Friday humour - September 01, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

         Hi,
     I was about to say "no humour this week" (in deference to our "old
     faithful" PC out the back which died in a major way a couple of hours
     ago and thus has me somewhat distracted at the moment) but I reckon I may
     as well post something while I'm still logged in (via this newer one).

     But first up - a small puzzle from Colin MacRae:
                              --------------------

A fish has a head 9" long. The tail is equal to the size of the head plus
one-half the size of the body. The body is the size of the head plus the
tail.  How long is the fish?

[ Answer at the end ]
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    And the first bit of humour comes courtesy of Steve Harding:
                     -------------------------------

A bloke is strolling down the street in London where he comes across an old
lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie.  The genie
offers to grant him one wish, to which the bloke replies "I've always wanted
to be lucky".

The genie grants his wish.  So off the bloke strolls, wondering how this will
change his life, when he spies 10 quid on the footpath. Not a bad start he
thinks.  As he picks it up, he notices a betting shop across the road. He
strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad
at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot. He puts the 10 quid on the nose, and what do you
know, the horse bolts in.  Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local
illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table and puts the whole 1010 quid
on "lucky seven".  Round and round the wheel spins, and bang Lucky Seven.

Now he's really flying - so what better way to celebrate than to head to the
local brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing. He knocks and enters, when
all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of
champagne.  The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says
"Welcome sir.  We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky
1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer
from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge."

The bloke says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl ... he's
ushered into one of the rooms when in strolls the most gorgeous subcontinent
he has ever seen. Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the
room and the Karma Sutra (pgs 101 to 532) are being well and truly tested.

At one point the bloke pauses and says to the girl "you are one of the most
beautiful women I've ever seen in my life, I can't believe how lucky I am. But
there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that
red spot that you all have on your forehead.  The Indian girl looks him in the
eye and says "sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire.
If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my red spot".  So the
bloke goes at it with his fingernail.

All of a sudden he leans back and starts killing himself laughing.  "What's
wrong, what's wrong ?" asks the Indian girl. To which the bloke replies,
"You're never going to believe this, but I've just won a car"
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   And one more - this time from out in the "way out Westerly" humour list:


A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came upon a
cave.  Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of
appearance.

  1. A dog
  2. A donkey
  3. A shovel
  4. A fish
  5. A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more
than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it
brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to
study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they
could agree was the meaning of the markings.

The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and
said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent
race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this
statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were
even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had
tools to help them.  Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish
which means that that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food
didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food.

The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were
evidently Hebrews." The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President
smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our
interpretations."

Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I
object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite
simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to
right, but from right to left.......

Now, look again..... It now says :

"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"
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And the puzzle answer?  72 inches

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[ End Friday humour ]




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