Friday humour - August 25, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

         Yo,
    Let's start with a puzzle again this week (an easy one) - it's described
    as "a puzzle that Charles Dickens might have written ..."
                                     --------

    Bob and Benjamin were excitedly describing the result of the First Annual
    Pickwickian Commemorative Wheelbarrow Race at Dingley Dell.

    Snodgrass, Tupman and Winkle had been the three contestants.

    "Tupman won the race; Winkle was in second place," reported Bob.

    Benjamin disagreed. "It was Snodgrass who won.  Tupman came second."

    In fact, neither Bob nor Benjamin had given a correct version of the
    result, as each had made one true and one false statement.

    What was the actual placing of the three contestants?
                              ----====######====----


    Onto the humour now, beginning with this short piece passed on back in
    June of the last century by Dunny-can Constable:
                                ---------------------


An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas
when her car broke down.  An Indian on horseback came along and offered her
a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.  The ride was
uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop
so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.  When they arrived
in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final,
"Yahoo!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station
attendant.

"Nothing," shrugged the woman, "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my
arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback ..."
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      Or these two which drifted past on our old Westerly list at about the
      same time (maybe don't read this first one just after a full meal):
                                ---------------------

A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog on a leash.  She sits down
at the bar next to a drunk.

The drunk rolls around, leans over, and "blaarp!" - he pukes all over the dog.

The drunk looks down, sees the little dog struggling in the pool of vomit,
and slurs, "Sheesh (urp) ... gee ... (ulp) ... I don't remember eating that."
                               #   #   #   #   #

     ... and ...

A depressed young blonde was so desperate that she decided to end her life by
throwing herself into Sydney Harbour.  When she went down to the docks, a
handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said:

"Look - you've got a lot to live for.  I'm off to Europe in the morning,
and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.  I'll take good care of you
and bring you food every day."  Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her
shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy too."

The blonde nodded 'Yes.' After all, what did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat.  From then
on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they
made passionate love, usually until dawn.

But three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the
captain.

"Hey - what are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I - I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she stuttered.

"He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Manly ferry."
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     I was just strolling around Terry Lane's site a few minutes ago and
     noticed this classic recent addition which I suspect many of you will
     thoroughly enjoy ...
                                ---------------------


                            DR LAURA AND THE PENTATEUCH

For those of you that are not following the recent controversy that has to do
with Laura Schlessinger: she is a radio personality who dispenses advice to
people who call in to her radio show.  Paramount Television Group is currently
producing a "Dr. Laura" television show.  Recently she has become a convert to
Judaism, and now she is Ba'al T'shuvah.  Recently, she has made some statements
about homosexuals that has caused the Canadian anti-hate laws to censure
her ...  The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura which was posted on
the internet ...


    Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law.  I have
learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as
many people as I can.  When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle,
for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to
be an abomination.  End of debate.

I do need some further advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific
laws in the books of Moses and how to best follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing
odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9).  The problem is my neighbours.  They claim the
odour is not pleasing to them.  Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus
21:7.  In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period
of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24).  The problem is, how do I tell?  I
have tried asking, but most women take offence.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female,
provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations.  A friend of mine
claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians.  Can you clarify?
Why can't I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly
states he should be put to death.  Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination
(Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser Abomination than homosexuality.  I don't agree.
Can you settle this?

g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
defect in my sight.  I have to admit that I wear reading glasses.  Does my
vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around
their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27.  How
should they die?

i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm.  He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different
crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two
different kinds of thread. (cotton/polyester blend) He also tends to curse
and blaspheme a lot.  Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble
of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev. 24:10-16) Couldn't
we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people
who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you
can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

        Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

 [ BTW, Terry's web site is now at: Click here ]

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       And just before we launch into the visual humour contributions for
       the week - another one from Dr Frazer:
                                ---------------------


                           TWENTY WORDS THAT SHOULD EXIST

1.  ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold
    a road map at the same time.

2.  AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj.  Possessing the ability to turn the
    bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

3.  CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of
    running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching
    over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give
    the vacuum one more chance.

4.  DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by
    asking, "Do you work here?"

5.  ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in
    the rearview mirror.

6.  EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at
    the cinema who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

7.  ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people manoeuvering for one
    armrest in a cinema.

8.  ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more
    you press the lift button, the faster it will arrive.

9.  FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto
    the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally
    decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

10. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here"
    spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal'
    side.

11. NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come
    to life.

12. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in
    front of a household pet.

13. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialling a phone number and
    forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

14. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog
    presses its nose to it.

15. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting
    the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only
    six inches away.
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       Okay - to a bit of visual stuff.  The first one is actually a Windows
       PC screen saver that Colin MacRae passed on.  It's over a meg in size,
       so as usual, Steve has kindly put it up for us over at Digitronics
       (one megabyte would take over 5 minutes to load from bluehaze).
       This is perfect for that difficult report you just didn't want to write:

    Stress Relief: Click here

        Nicki TBFXRD (sometimes SALMFFXRD) passed this on a cupla days ago:

    Men At Work: Click here

        And Steve [redacted] discovered the following couple:

    BP price-rise apology: Click here
    Good noodle bar: Click here

        The last one is a link (ie: it's not on my server or Steve's) - the
        mad sons passed it on this week (that's right - Olivine mailed it, but
        it was Ian's suggestion ... team effort :-)  Your kids will love it:

    Farting dogs: Click here
   --------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Back to ASCII, and this is another one which has been waiting in the
       wings for a year or so.  It's also from the old west - one of the
       girls on the list, in fact:
                              ---------------------


                                WHAT I'VE LEARNED

That you cannot make someone love you.  All you can do is stalk them and hope
they panic and give in.

That no matter how much you care ... some people are just arseholes.

That it takes years to build up trust - and merely suspicion (not proof) to
destroy it.

That it's not what you have in your life that counts, but how much you have
in your bank account.

That you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.  After that, you'd
better have a big dick or HUGE tits.

That you shouldn't compare yourself to others (they're more fucked up than
you think).

That you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

That we are responsible for what we do - unless we're celebrities.

That regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion
eventually fades ... and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

That money is a GREAT substitute for character.

That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the
ones who do.

That modern maturity is a magazine for old fucks.

That your family won't always be there for you.  (Of course, if you win the
lottery, then the hag, the philanderer, the fuck-up, and the missing one will
very QUICKLY "be there for you".)

That we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us
feel better about ourselves.

That no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually
get arrested and end up in the local paper.

That overzealous customs agents can change your entire life in a matter of
hours.

That the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. (And
all the less important ones just never go away.)

To say "Well, fuck you if you can't take a joke" ... in 6 languages.
   --------------------------------------------------------------------------


      This next one isn't a joke - it's deadly serious.  It was posted onto
      our westerly jokes list by one of the girls over at Alcoa - and it's
      definitely worth reading and digesting (no pun intended):
                               ---------------------

                               GAS GRILL SAFETY ALERT

      This information provides good awareness to all of us who use grills.
      Please use it to educate your family and/or friends.

An individual cleaned the cooking surface of a gas grill with a wire brush
a couple of weeks before this incident occurred.  The person did not wipe
off after cleaning, and did not immediately use the grill.

His wife cooked several hamburgers on the grill a couple of weeks later,
and all were eaten except for two.  These two hamburgers were heated up the
next day to be eaten.  His daughter took one bite of her hamburger and
immediately after swallowing complained that a chunk of hamburger caught
in her throat.  However, it was realised that this was not the problem,
and she was transported to the hospital by her mother in the family vehicle.

Once they ruled out a piece of hamburger caught in her throat, the hospital
staff took an x-ray of her neck.  The x-ray showed a piece of fine wire lying
across her oesophagus below the epiglottis.  Based on the results the hospital
staff had her transferred to Children's Hospital of Galveston.

After further tests, it was decided that they would have to operate.

Initially, the procedure was to take only 20 minutes, but due to their not being
able to find the wire, the procedure required calling in various specialists
and ended up taking 6 hours.  What happened was the wire had pushed through
the oesophagus in several locations and caused bleeding around the oesophagus.

Due to the trauma of surgery, her lips, nose, neck, eyes, and face were
extremely swollen and she experienced bleeding from her lips and nose.

Fortunately, all turned out well and she was able to leave the hospital three
days later.

What had caused this incident was that a strand of wire from the wire brush had
been left on the cooking surface of the grill, and when hamburgers were grilled,
this strand had fallen and stuck to one of the hamburgers.  After the girl
had taken a bite and swallowed it, she also ended up swallowing the piece of
wire which was stuck to the hamburger.
                                    - - - - - - -


                              KEY POINTS TO BE LEARNED

If you use a wire brush to clean your grill, ensure that you clean the grill
with a cloth or paper towel before using it.  Inspect the underside of the
lid to make sure that no strands of wire are stuck to the underside of the lid.
A better idea is simply to avoid using a wire brush for cleaning.  Some people
use a paint scraper to clean the grill.  One could cover the surface of the
grill before grilling with extra heavy duty aluminium foil, and this would
prevent contact with the grilling surface.

Don't transport anyone who is in need of or who you suspect is in need of
serious medical care yourself.  In this case the couple was scolded numerous
times by doctors and nurses for transporting their daughter to the hospital
by car.  Had the wire been lodged above her epiglottis and dislodged, she could
have inhaled the wire which could have gone to her lung and caused a potential
life threatening situation.  Also, if the wire, while in her neck, would have
pierced her carotid artery this would have produced an immediate life
threatening situation without the opportunity for immediate medical
attention.
   --------------------------------------------------------------------------


      This next one's a recent offering from Kerryn McIver.  We had the
      British version a year or so back, but the Oz variation is still
      worth reading:
                               ---------------------


           The country was in such a terrible state,
           When Parliament sat for a budget debate.
           It was quite a few moments before Howard spoke,
           And then he said, "Sex will cost ten bucks a poke."

           "Whether you're short or long, skinny or thick,
           The tax will be paid on the use of your prick."
           Costello said "Now Howard, please, look here,
           Will the tax still be paid by the boys who are queer?"

           Minister Downer arose looking quite glum,
           "Will I be exempt?  I only like bum!"
           Howard replied in a tone that was airy,
           "You'll fucking pay double, you dirty old fairy".

           Up rose Kim Beazley to tremendous applause,
           He grabbed Stott-Despoja, and pulled down her drawers,
           He straddled her roughly and fucked her at will,
           Then shouted at Howard "Put that on your bill!"

           Then Evans cried out "I think I'll resign,
           I haven't had pussy for a very long time.
           I dream every night of a big juicy crutch,
           But ten bucks a jump is a bit fucking much".

           Off came the skirt of one Cheryl Kernot,
           Who sat on the face of some poor old journo.
           "This can't be taxed - it isn't quite sex".
           'Good point', Howard thought, 'I'll charge it through HECS'.

           Not to be left out, in came Meg Lees,
           And said with a smile, "I like it in threes!
           Does this mean that I will have to pay more?"
           Howard replied "That's right, you foul little whore".

           The debate carried on - oh, what a night!
           Colston was bonking every woman in sight.
           The whole house was screwing, the speaker was too,
           And in the excitement, the new bill got through.

           So now in the bedrooms of Australia each night.
           There's many a fanny closed up good and tight.
           They're taxing our booze and they're taxing our smokes,
           And now the mean bastards are taxing our pokes.

           If ten bucks a time is the price we must pay,
           It is now with ourselves we all have to play.
           To quench our frustrations, we must have a wank.
           And for the state of our country, we've Howard to thank.
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       And to finish off for the week - a brief contribution from David (Fifi)
       (FlameMag) McCallum ...
                               ---------------------


                                 ARMAGEDDON COMES

God looks over the millions of people and says "Welcome to Heaven!  I want
the women to go with Saint Peter, and the men to form two lines.  Make one
line of the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other of men
who were dominated by their women."

There's much movement, but eventually the women are gone, and there are two
lines.  The line of the men that were dominated is 100 miles long.  The line
of men that dominated women has only one man.

Seeing this, God becomes very angry, and He booms: "You men should be ASHAMED
of yourselves!  I created you in MY image - and yet you were all dominated by
your MATES.  LOOK upon the ONLY ONE of my sons that stood up and made me proud.
LEARN from HIM!"

Then he turns to the man and says quietly, "Tell me, my son.  How DID you
manage to be the only one on that line?"

The man says, "I don't know, Lord ... my wife told me to stand here."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]




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