Friday humour - August 18, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

         Yo,
    All the puzzles I've flipped through just now are either too difficult
    or too dull, so how about some classic old riddles?  Here's five anyway:

   1. I am taken from a mine, and shut up in a wooden case, from which I
      am never released, and yet I am used by almost everybody.  What am I?

   2. What goes around the house and inside the house but never touches it?

   3. What is it that you can keep after giving it to someone else?

   4. What walks all day on its head?

   5. What gets wet when drying?
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     (Answers at the end if you need 'em :-)

    So, to humour.  This one that Nicki TBFXRD sent today had me laughing, so
    you'll probably get a chuckle as well:
                           --------------------


    From the Sydney Morning Herald, Monday June 15th, 1999:

An employee of Ansett Australia (who happened to have the last name of Gay)
got on a plane recently using one of his company's "Free Flight" programs.
However, when Mr. Gay tried to take his seat, he found it being occupied by
a paying passenger.  So not to make a fuss, he simply chose another seat.

Unknown to Mr. Gay, another Ansett Australia flight at the airport experienced
mechanical problems.  The passengers of this other flight were being re-routed
to various airplanes.  A few were put on Mr. Gay's flight and anyone who was
holding a "free" ticket was being "bumped".

Ansett officials, armed with a list of these "freebee" ticket holders boarded
the plane to remove the free ticket holders.  Of course, our Mr. Gay was not
sitting in his assigned seat as you may remember.

So when the Ticket Agent approached the seat where Mr. Gay was supposed to
be sitting, she asked a startled customer "Are you Gay?".

The man, shyly nodded that he was, at which point she demanded: "Well, I'm
afraid you'll have to leave the aircraft".

Mr. Gay, overhearing what the Ticket Agent had said, tried to clear up the
situation: "Excuse me, you've got the wrong man - I'm Gay!".

This caused an angry third passenger to yell "Hell, I'm gay too!  They can't
kick us all off!"

Confusion reigned as more and more passengers began complaining that Ansett
Australia had no right to remove gays from their flights.

(Ansett have refused to comment on the incident)
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     This next one from Russell Newnham is actually a repeat (we had it a
     couple of years ago) but it has such an "ocker" ring to it ... anyway,
     half the humourites probably missed it the first time through :-)
                           --------------------

                            YEAR 2000 MANHOOD TEST

1.  In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
     a) Lovemaking
     b) Screwing
     c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2.  You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
    you've both shared:
     a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
     b) Your blood-test results
     c) Five tequila slammers

3.  You time your orgasm so that:
     a) Your partner climaxes first
     b) You both climax simultaneously
     c) You don't miss The Panel

4.  Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
     a) Healthy, creative love-play
     b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
     c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5.  Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
     a) The best part of the experience
     b) The second best part of the experience
     c) $100 extra

6.  Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last
    month.  You tell her that it is:
     a) No concern of yours
     b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
     c) A conservative estimate

7.  You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
     a) A myth
     b) An oxymoron
     c) A moron

8.  Foreplay is to sex as:
     a) Appetiser is to entree
     b) Priming is to painting
     c) A queue is to a fun park ride

9.  Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at
    the end of a relationship?
     a) "I hope we can still be friends."
     b) "I'm not in right now.  Please leave a message after the tone...."
     c) "Welcome to Dumpsville.  Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
     a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that
        sort of intimacy
     b) Is uptight and a waste of time
     c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
                           --------------------

If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you
really are a man.

If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a
little confused.
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        And also on the subject of love and/or marriage, this piece was
        just posted across by Steve the Kerassitis:
                           --------------------

      Australians are well known to take the groom and go out for a really
      big night on the town before his wedding.  Below are some amusing quotes
      taken from actual bucks nights:

1.  We tied him up, put honey on his old boy and got the cow to lick it off.
    We didn't know cows have such raspy tongues.  It took the skin off.

2.  He was stripped, plastered with toothpaste and bootpolish and any other
    substance we could lay our hands on, and tied to the bus stop opposite
    his house.

3.  When the buck was totally sloshed, we stripped him and drove him out to
    the cow paddock.  There was this cow - it had been dead for 3 days.  We
    gutted it, it was all green and maggotty.  We shoved him in the belly,
    pushed his right hand and arm out the ass, then sewed up the belly.  We
    left him there to wake up!

4.  We covered his dick with superglue, but forgot it would also cover the
    hole.  He couldn't piss.  We had to rush him to hospital for an emergency
    operation.  He thought he was going to die.

5.  He was wandering disoriented and naked down the median strip, painted
    blue all over.

6.  The buck was stripped naked and tied to the end of a boom gate at a
    railway crossing.  A train was coming and the boom gate went up, with a
    naked buck tied to the end.  He bounced about a lot.

7.  It wasn't good that the guys got me drunk as a monkey, stuck me in a
    packing crate, and sent me on the Ghan train to Alice Springs.  Lucky
    there was a plane back on Saturday morning in time for the wedding.

8.  He was tied spread-eagled on the wire fence at the drive-in cinema,
    totally starkers.  The headlights of every car picked him out.

9.  We got him totally pissed, stripped him naked, and tied him up to the front
    bull bar of a semi-trailer truck.  The look of sheer terror on his face
    as we shot at high speed down the highway in the dark was bloody hilarious.

10. I got to the shed and the buck's there - up to his chin in a 44 gallon
    drum of pig shit.

11. They held me down and creamed my old boy with industrial grease.  Didn't
    know there were fine steel shavings in it.  I discovered agony.

12. They threw him in the fountain ... One, two, three, heave!!!!  He landed
    smack on his back.  A huge sheet of water went up.  Then he got a strange
    look on his face, and they saw the blood spreading everywhere.  He'd
    landed on a spiky water jet.  It had impaled him.  He was D.O.A."

13. They tied him to the top of the car and went through the carwash.
    Nobody thought that he'd die.
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        Now for a few pics.  First one's from Cr Madus Mickus:

     Charlie: Click here

        And then there was this one from Steve Kerassitis:

     Hot Chicken: Click here

        Now for the rest of those signs which David Magnay sent over:

     Sign #3: Click here
     Sign #4: Click here
     Sign #5: Click here

        And this is another where I've mislaid the contributor's name:

     Squeeze it: Click here

        Next one's another one of those somewhat XXX-rated cartoons from the
        Jonian collection (so watch who's in the room before you click :-)

     The Cuban: Click here

        And finally for the pics dept - a couple more from Nicki TBFXRD:

     The Olympic Spirit: Click here
     Now who do we know ... Click here
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       Back to the good ol' textual humour - this one from David McCallum:
                           --------------------


                           THE SULTAN OF BRUNEI

The Sultan of Brunei was extraordinarily proud of his son and heir and would
spare no expense to make the boy happy.  Just before his son's sixth birthday,
the Sultan took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you.
Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane."

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him American Airlines.
Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.
"Son, you are my pride and joy.  Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat."

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him The Princess Cruise
Lines.  Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.
"Son, you bring so much happiness into my life.  Anything you want, I shall get
 for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons."

Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him Disney Studios and
their theatres, where he watched all his favourite cartoons.  Just before his
son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are an
inspiration to us all.  Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son, who had really gotten into the Disney cartoons, replied, "Daddy, I
would like a Mickey Mouse outfit."

Still not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him Microsoft.
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           And a very short piece now from the westerly list:
                           --------------------

A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer and
she asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.

Wanting to embarrass the girl, he told her to enter "PENIS".  Without blinking
or saying a word, she entered the password.

She almost died laughing at the computer's response :

  PASSWORD REJECTED.  NOT LONG ENOUGH.
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


       This next one was just passed on by Cameron Davidson:
                           --------------------

                        YOU MAY BE A GEEK IF ...

     You've ever used a computer on Friday, Saturday and Sunday of the same
     weekend.

     You find yourself interrupting computer store salesman to correct
     something he said.

     The first thing you notice when walking in a business is their computer
     system ... and you offer them advice on how you would change it.

     You own any shareware.

     You know more IP addresses than phone numbers.

     You've ever accidentally dialled an IP address.

     Your friends use you as tech support.

     You've ever named a computer.

     You have your local computer store on speed dial.

     You can't carry on a conversation without talking about computers.

     Co-workers have to E-mail you about the fire alarm to get you out of the
     building.

     You've ever found "stray" diskettes when doing laundry.

     Your computer has it's own phone line - but your teenager doesn't.

     You check the national weather service web page for current weather
     conditions (rather than look out the window).

     You know more URLs than street addresses.

     Your pet has a web page.

     You get really excited when Yahoo adds your link.
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             And another recent one, from David over at Telstra:
                           --------------------

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy,
"You're in charge of sweeping,"

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."  And to the Chinese
guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while.  I expect you guys to
make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of
sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom.  You saida to the Chinese a fella
that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he has a disappeared and I no
coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told
you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel!
Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin'
him either."

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to
look for the Chinese guy.

Just then the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells ..
"SUPPLIES"!!
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            And here's another contribution from David (Fifi) McCallum:
                           --------------------

                                 TWO NUNS

Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes when one said "It's
bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem
getting rid of the cigarette butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them."

The second nun said, "I've found a marvellous invention called the condom -
it works really well for this problem.  All you do is just open the packet,
take out the condom, drop the cigarette butt in, then roll it up and dispose
of it all later!"

The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.

"You get them at the pharmacy, sister - just go and ask the pharmacist for
them."

The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the
counter.  "Good morning sister," said the pharmacist.  "What can I do for
you today?"

"I'd like some condoms please," said the nun.

The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked,
"How many boxes would you like?  There are twelve to a box."

"I'll take six boxes that should last about a week," said the nun.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost afraid to
ask any more questions, but his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a
clear voice, "Sister, what size condoms would you like?  We have large, extra
large, and the big liar size."

The sister thought for a minute, and finally said, "I'm not certain.  Perhaps
you could recommend a good size for a Camel?"
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        Lastly and not leastly for this week ... this one from Steve Harding:
                           --------------------


                          THE MOST POWERFUL WORD

Well, shit ...

"Shit" may just be the most powerful word in the English language.

You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your
shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit and die.

Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between
shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.

There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days
are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times
when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit
or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek
without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a
lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of
creation.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!

You could pass this along ... if you give a shit.
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    But just before we really do finish - here's the riddle answers:

1. A pencil lead
2. The sun
3. Your word
4. A nail in a horseshoe
5. A towel.
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[ End Friday humour ]



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