Friday humour - August 04, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

         Gidday again,
    And for those of you who can find the time, here comes yet another load of
    codswallop.  Last weeks teaser from Mad Mick (the minimum number of trips
    to match up the unmarked switches with their corresponding lights)
    elicited an answer from Nicki A-O (TBFXRD), and I think I'll just pass that
    onto you as the solution:

    "My 17 year old son, Noam, thought of the answer to the brain teaser
    about the three lamps in about a minute.  Both his wise and learned
    parents said that it would take a minimum of two trips up to the room
    to determine which switches operated which lamps.  Wise son said,
    "No, it would take only one trip.  First turn one of the three lamps
    on and leave it on for about five minutes.  Then turn it off and turn
    another lamp on.  Quickly run upstairs and see which lamp has a warm
    but not illuminated bulb, which lamp is on and which is off and there
    is the answer.  Only trip up and down for those who think laterally.

    By the way does anybody have a summer job for the above bright, young
    man who aspires to be an engineer?

    Nicki A-O

    P.S.  I suppose that no trips upstairs are necessary for those who find
    copies of the house wiring plans."

    Well, I reckon Noam must be good at thinking laterally ... I likewise
    said two trips (and so did most people).  And if anyone on the FH mail
    list can find or suggest any summer work for Noam, that'd be terrific too.
                            #    #    #    #    #

    Something a bit more mathematical for next week (I grabbed this from
    Martin Gardiner's "Mathematical Puzzles and Diversions" book, although
    it's old classic anyway):

    A straight, round hole is drilled through the centre of a solid metal
    sphere and out the other side.  If this hole is exactly six inches in
    length, what is the volume of the remaining material?
    (For reference - volume of a sphere is given by 4/3 x pi x r-cubed, as
    in "one third of 4*pi*r*r*r" ... that's as good as it gets in ASCII :-)

    And - no, I haven't left out any information this week.

    Onto the humour now - first up this week, it's Ian (XRD and TMT) Madsen:

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts
wherever she touches it.

"Impossible" says the doctor, "show me".

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.  She pushes
her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on.

"You're not really a brunette, are you?  You're really a blonde", asks the

"Why ... yes doctor", she says.

"I thought so." he says, "Your finger is broken".

     I came across this next one whilst browsing around the 'net at a site
     called The Funnies Page Click here (Terry Fletcher):



   These illustrate Mark Twain's contention that "... the most interesting
   information comes from children, because they tell everything they know
   and then stop ..."

Question: What is one horsepower?
Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500
feet in one second.

You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to
getting hit.  If you don't hear it, you got hit.

Talc is found on rocks and on babies.

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms.
But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy.
When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

Most books now say our sun is a star.  But it still knows how to change back
into a sun in the daytime.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees.  There are 180 degrees
between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north
and south.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
Finding them all means living forever.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the centre of the Earth because
of so much population stomping around up there these days.

Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be

Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

Vacuums are nothings.  We only mention them to let them know we know they're

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun.  But have never
been able to make out the numbers.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers.  But to chemists solutions
are things that are still all mixed up.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as
many H's as O's.

Clouds are high flying fogs.

I am not sure how clouds get formed.  But the clouds know how to do it, and
that is the important thing.

Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around.  And around.  There is
not much else to do.

Water vapour gets together in a cloud.  When it is big enough to be called a
drop, it does.

Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the
strongest man.

A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

The wind is like the air, only pushier.

    While we're on the subject of school children and their answers, let's
    have this little one which was just forwarded on by Sarah Buckler:

                            FIRST GRADE TRUE STORY

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little
Pigs to her class.  She came to the part of the story where the first pig
was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, "... and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full
of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to
build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I know, ma'am ... he would have
said - 'Holy Shit!  A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

       Okay - some visual stuff follows (some of which Steve Harding has
       again kindly hosted).  First, this little one from John Stevens:

     Kitty? Click here

       This next one from Lee McRae is an MPEG movie.  It's over 1Mb, so
       a few seconds to load down:

     Sumo: Click here

       I forget who sent this one in, but enjoy:

     Greeting cards: Click here

       Next is another interesting slide show from Steve [redacted].
       It's a Microsoft PowerPoint slide show file, incidentally):

     Welcome: Click here

       And even Mad Mick has joined the image fray now, with this one:

     Cactus Willy: Click here

       Jonian sent a collection of these in at the start of June - here's
       one more (but XXX WARNING XXX ... Danger Will Robinson if anyone's
       looking over your shoulder :-)

     XXX Egyptian: Click here

       And last of all for this week, one from David over at Telstra - just
       the sort of sign you really need out in the middle of nowhere ...

     Sign: Click here

       Back to some more narrative-style material now - beginning again with
       this short contribution from Maria the Harding:

                                BIBLICAL RULE

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.  He asked his father, who
was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you.  You bring your grades up,
study the bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we'll talk about it."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if he could use
the car.

His father said, "Son, I'm really proud of you.  You brought your grades up,
studied the bible well, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know dad, I've been
thinking about that.  Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long
hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went."

        And something even shorter off the ol' listerly west ...


A young ventriloquist is touring the South and stops to entertain at a bar in

He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in
the audience stands up and says "I've heard just about enough of your smart
ass hillbilly jokes; we ain't all stupid here in the South."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologise, when the big guy pipes up,

"You jerst stay out of this, mister - I'm a-talkin' to the smart ass little
feller on yer knee."

      Now to a contribution from Nestor J. Zaluzec over at ANL (Illinois) ...
      this particular one got a bit lost (it arrived about a year ago):

                               A SHOT IN THE DARK

A young farmer was newly married, and the couple couldn't get enough sex.  Just
before leaving the house for the fields at dawn, they made love, and when he
returned home in the evening they had another go - before and after supper,
and maybe a couple more times during the night.

The problem was, during the day, the fields were a long way from the house,
and the young man lost too much time travelling home and back again at noon,
so he decided to consult a friend (the town's doctor) about what to do.

"Easiest thing in the world, Homer," said the doctor.  "You take your rifle
out with you every day don't you?  Well, when you feel like you're in the
mood for some lovin', just fire a shot into the air as a signal to your wife,
for her to come out to you.  That way you won't lose any workin' time."

Homer tried this, and it seemed to work pretty good for a while.  One day,
though, the doctor stopped by the house to pay a visit and he noticed Homer
sitting alone inside looking very remorseful.

"What's wrong?" he asked. "Didn't my idea work?  And where's your wife?"

"Oh, it worked," said Homer. "Whenever I got in the mood, I fired off a shot
like you said, and Becky'd come runnin'.  Then we'd find a secluded place and
make love like there was no tomorrow.  Then Becky'd go back home."

"So what's the problem?"

"Well, I think I overdid it, Doc.  I ain't seen hide nor hair of Becky since
huntin' season started..."

       This little collection of bumper-stickers was also thieved from
       Terry Fletcher's excellent little jokes page:

                              MORE BUMPER STICKERS

     Grow your own dope!  Plant a man.

     I left my other vehicle in the broom closet.

     Jesus is coming ... and boy, is he pissed!

     Neuter Newt.

     Beer ... it's not just for breakfast any more!

     Nuke the gay whales for Jesus!

     A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

     This vehicle does not turn left on red

     Ask me about microwaving cats for Fun & Profit

     Rugby players eat their young

     JESUS is coming ... look busy!

     I'm up and dressed.  What more do you want?

     Money is the route to all evil - send $9.95 for more info.

     I have PMS and I have a gun!

     Give blood ... play Hockey.

        Time for some more McCallum humour now - this just turned up:

                          IF IT WAS ... A MAN'S WORLD

1.  Breaking up would be a lot easier.  A smack on the arse and a "Cheers,
    thanks for the screw - now get lost" would pretty much do it.

2.  Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3.  Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29, so it would only occur in
    leap years.

4.  On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.

5.  Instead of "Beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

6.  Tanks would be far easier to rent.

7.  Every woman that worked would have to do so topless!

8.  Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

9.  Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

10. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable
    response to "I love you."

11. "Sorry, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse
    for absence and/or poor time keeping.

12. Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for violating the "public
    ugliness" ordinance.

13. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

14. Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.

15. "Fancy a shag" would be the only chat up line in existence and it would
    work every time.

16. Everyone would drive at least 70mph and anyone driving under that would
    be fined.

17. Dinner break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in
    strippers and $2000 a night hookers for the duration of those breaks.

18. Saying "Lets have a threesome - you, me and your sister" to your wife or
    girlfriend would get the response, "Wow - what a great idea!!"

19. Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.

20. Everyone would have a real Lightsabre and any disagreements would be
    settled by a fight to the death.

21. Vomiting after 20 pints would actually make you more attractive to the
    opposite sex.

22. When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd get to
    slide down the back of a Brontosaurus like Fred Flintstone.

    [ I think there'd be plenty of girls who'd go for those too.  Ed :-) ]

      And to roll it all up for this week - this one from an occasional
      contributor, one Cameron Davidson:

The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which they
were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.  The following were
some of the winning entries:

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Carcinoma (n.), a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Negligent (adj.), a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in
your nightie.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

Bustard (n.), a very rude Metrobus driver.

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood,
including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together
just before vespers.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist
immediately before he examines you.

Marionettes (n.), residents of Washington, D.C. who have been jerked around
by the mayor.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on
the roof and gets stuck there.
[ End Friday humour ]

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