Friday humour - July 28, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

        And - Yo,
     Let's have last weeks puzzle answer first.  In case you didn't see it -
     imagine wrapping a band tightly around the equator of a sphere the size
     of the Sun.  Circumference will be about 4.4 million kilometres.  Now cut
     it, weld in one extra metre, and replace it.  Q: Would this now allow
     a 1mm thick playing card to be slipped in between the band and the sphere?

     Did you grab a calculator to solve this?  (Using a calculator will hide
     the whole point)   The quick 'algebraic' solution:

     Initial:              (1)  2 x Pi x r = C      (where r = initial radius)
     With an extra metre:  (2)  2 x Pi x R = C+1    (where R = expanded radius)
     Subtracting eqn. (1) from (2) gives:
                           (3)  2 x Pi x (R-r) = C+1 - C ie: 2 x Pi x (R-r) = 1
                       --> (4) R-r = 1/2Pi
     ie: R-r, the *change* in radius is approx 0.16 metres.  So yes - you could
     fit quite a few 1mm playing cards under it (about 3 packs, in fact).

     But the fascinating thing about this hypothetical question is that the
     answer consists only of constants (ie: the circumference C has vanished).

     Taking it to a tiny extreme, one could wrap a band around a molecule.
     In that case, C and r tend to zero.  Add the one metre, and C will now
     be near enough to 1 metre in length, and the radius approx 0.16m, ie:
     it is the same increase.

     Or going to astronomical dimensions - if we wrap a band around our entire
     *galaxy* and then add a metre to it, the increase in radius would *still*
     be 0.16m.  ???  Seems surprising, hmmm?  (Well - it does to me :-)

     Anyway - a couple of school age people who started working this out in
     front of me began by whipping out their calculators, and *this* made me
     feel that the trend to calculators in Maths at the beginning of high
     school is actually a _counterproductive_ move.  Apart from the obvious
     problem of "one punch of the wrong button and you've blown it", the kids
     will miss seeing the structure, ie: the Maths.  (Getting the right value
     for the answer is often less than half the story.)
                                   #    #    #

        This weeks brain-teaser is another one from Cr Mad Mick (thanks, Mick):

     Your brand new home has a problem.  On the top floor are three standing
     lights.  On the ground floor are three switches which control the lights,
     presently all in the "Off" position.  You don't know which switch controls
     which light, except that there is a one-to-one correspondence.  You are
     down on the ground floor and you want to label the switches with as few
     trips up stairs as possible.

     The room the lights are in can only be seen from the top floor and you
     must do it alone.  What is the least number of trips you can make to
     determine which switch turns on which light?  (You may assume that the
     bulbs have just been replaced, all the wiring is good, etc.)

     Oh - nearly forgot - Mick has also supplied a picture if you need it:
     Three lights puzzle: Click here

     (And try solving *that* with a calculator :-)
     ------------------------------------------------------------------------


     To ASCII humour now, and first up - a couple from Steve Kerassitis:
                               --------------------

An Aussie is having his breakfast (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam)
when an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.  The Aussie ignores
the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

American:   "You Aussie folk eat the whole bread?"

Aussie (in a bad mood): "Of course."

American: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't.  In the States, we only eat
what's inside.  The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform
them into croissants and sell them to Australia."

The American has a smirk on his face.  The Aussie listens in silence.

The American persists: "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"

Aussie: "Of course."

American (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling): "We don't.
In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels,
seeds, and left-overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam
and sell the jam to Australia."

The Aussie now asks: "Do you have sex in America?"

American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big smirk.

Aussie: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

American:   "We throw them away, of course."

Aussie:  "We don't.  In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them,
melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to America."
                              ---===###===---


A woman was standing before the bedroom mirror, admiring herself in her
expensive new outfit.  She posed this way and that, before her husband, looking
on with disinterest, remarked "Your bum is the size of a 3-burner barbecue!"

Later that evening, tucked up and cosy in bed, he leant over, tapped her on
the shoulder, and asked hopefully "How about it?".

She replied "It's hardly worth lighting the barby for half a sausage."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Here's a short one from Nicki A-O.  It was passed across to her by
       Mr A-O, who commented "I just confirmed this with the young lady -
       one of our cartographers."  In other words - true story:
                               -----------------

Robyn read her astrological column in the paper and it said something like
"You will get a message of love from an unexpected quarter".

That day, she went to her local hardware store, and as she was walking down
the aisle she heard a wolf whistle behind her.  She turned around to see that
it had come from a remote-sensor garden gnome.  I don't think that I will
ever doubt the power of astrology again!
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Maria Harding's been an absolutely prolific contributor over the past
       few months - so much so that I think half my in-box is now her stuff.
       So I'll include a few more of hers this week.  Here's the first one
       (just before the pics):
                               -----------------

                              A LITTLE IRISH JOKE

Now here's why the Irish get on so well all over the world.  One boring
afternoon, Saddam Hussain was sitting in his office wondering who to invade
when his telephone rang.

"Hello, Mr Hussein," a heavily accented voice says "This is Paddy down in
County Cavan, Ireland.  I am ringing to inform you that I am officially
declaring war on you!!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replies "This indeed is important news!  Tell me, how
big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," says Paddy after a moments calculation "there is
myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry and the entire dominoes
team from the pub - that makes eight!"

Saddam sighs and says "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my
army waiting to move on my word."

"Oh, shit ..." says Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rings back.  "Right, Mr Hussein - the war is
still on!  We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"What equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asks.

"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from
the farm"

Once more Saddam sighs and says "I must tell you Paddy that I have 16 thousand
tanks, 2 thousand mine layers, 14 thousand armoured cars, and my army has
increased to one and a half million since we last spoke"

"Well I'll be damned!" says Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Right Mr Hussein, the war is
still on!  We have managed to get ourselves airborne!  We've kitted out old
Ted's crop-sprayer with a couple of rifles in the cockpit, and the bridge
team has joined us as well!"

Once more Saddam sighs and says "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand
bombers and 20 thousand Mig 109 high manoeuvrability attack planes and my
military complex is surrounded by laser Guided surface to air missile sites and
since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."

"Oh bollocks" says Paddy "I'll have to ring you back"

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.  "Right Mr Hussein, I am sorry to
tell you that we have had to call off the war"

"I'm very sorry to hear that" says Saddam "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy "We've all had a chat and there's no way we can cope with
two million prisoners"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Onto some pictures now.  First up, this one from Emma Booth:

   The new tax: Click here

      And another one from Nicki A-O (the SALMFXRD):

   Ouwwwwwch ... : Click here

      And a couple from Steve Kerassitis (first one's a bit spoiled by the
      spelling error, but anyway ... :-)

   Gillette: Click here
   Intel: Click here

      Next one is mainly *audio* humour.  Originally in the form of a 550K
      MS-Word file, I've changed it to plain text and RealAudio (since many
      of us are on modems) - and some probably don't have MS Word either.
      Sent in by Jenny Klimek (late of Elevators) and husband John (CUB):

    Listen to the recordings below.  The announcers were tricked into saying
    them under the pretence that they were foreign names.

    We'd go and sit on the balcony at Terminal 3 at Heathrow, directly under
    one of the speakers as the roof is low.  We put the tape machine in our bag
    with the microphone poking out of the top.  We'd look for a flight that had
    arrived in the last 40 minutes from somewhere where you'd expect mental
    names, then write a letter saying "Could you go and pick up so-and-so from
    flight ---", etc.  That way, it looked like it'd been arranged in advance
    as the flight arrival details were written on the note.  We also wore an
    ID-style badge and carried a mobile so that we looked like taxi drivers.
    One of us would get the first one announced, and then the other did the
    second.  (We'd pretend to be unable to pronounce it, and hand them the
    bit of paper with the name written on it.)  Long winded, but worth it!

    Looks Like                Sounds Like
    ------------              ----------
    Arheddis Varkenjaab and   I hate this fucking job,
    Aywellbe Fayed            and I will be fired
    Sound (fuzzy) - RealAudio: Click here

    Arhevbin Fayed and        I've just been fired,
    Bybeiev Rhibodie          and bye-bye everybody
    Sound (fuzzy) - RealAudio: Click here

    Aynayda Pizaqvick and     I need a piss quick,
    Malexa Kriest             and my legs are crossed
    Sound - RealAudio: Click here

    Awul Dasfilshabeda and    Oo-ah, that's better,
    Nowaynayda Zheet          and now I need a shit
    Sound - RealAudio: Click here

    Makollig Jezvahted and    My colleague just farted and
    Levdaroum DeBahzted       left the room, the bastard
    Sound - RealAudio: Click here

    Steelaygot Maowenbach     Still, I got my own back and
    and Tuka Piziniztee       took a piss (in his tea)
    Sound (fuzzy) - RealAudio: Click here

     We got rumbled doing the "My colleague just ..." etc.  They actually
     threatened to arrest us as apparently they'd had complaints over the
     previous weeks.  We were toying with doing it again just to see what they'd
     arrest us for, but we rang Chris and all he said was, "Go to Gatwick!"

     This is the reason the last one sounds so crap, 'cos Gatwick is a much
     noisier place and the ceilings are high, and it was difficult to get
     near a speaker.  The lengths we had to go to ...


  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Back to the ASCII now - this one's also from Maria Harding (and
        some time back from David MacCallum as well):
                               -----------------

A big-city, California, lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.  He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing.  The litigator responded, "I shot
a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and,
if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in
Texas.  We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me
three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he
could easily take the old codger.  He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city
feller.  His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's
groin and dropped him to his knees.  His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose
off his face.  The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick
to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and
said, "Okay, you old coot!  Now it's my turn!"

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nup - I give up.  You can have the duck!"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


    And over to Maria's other half, Steve LMS Harding, for this final one:
                               -----------------


                       MORE SIGNS FROM AROUND THE WORLD!

    In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

    On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

    In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

    One of the Mathare buildings:
MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.

    A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

    In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

    In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

    On the grounds of a private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

    Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

    Hotel notice, Tokyo:
IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE.  IF YOU ARE NOT A PERSON TO DO SUCH
A THING IS PLEASE NOT TO READ NOTIS.

    On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

    In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

    In a Bankok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

    Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM

    Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE.  IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL
OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

    Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY.  DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT
YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

    Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

    Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

    Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

    Supermarket, Hong Kong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

    Dry cleaner's, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

    In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN
IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.

    Hotel, Vienna:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.

    A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF
DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS
THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

    Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE
BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

    An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

    From a Russian book on Chess:
A LOT OF WATER HAS BEEN PASSED UNDER THE BRIDGE SINCE THIS VARIATION HAS
BEEN PLAYED.

    A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

    Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS.  WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

    Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

    Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

    On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.

    Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

    At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS.  IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO
THE GUARD ON DUTY.

    Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

    Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

    Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE
CONTROL YOURSELF.

    Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN.  TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY
AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOR.
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[ End Friday humour ]




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