Friday humour - July 14, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

        Hi,
    I wonder how many others couldn't fathom the answer to the "4 hats"
    that Steve Harding forwarded last week?  Well, a few people DID work it
    out - here's two of the answers:

    From Mike Horne:

      Aha!  The hidden piece of information is that no-one calls out for a
      minute.  This means that C knows he cannot have a white hat otherwise
      D would be able to see two white hats and would call out "Black"
      immediately.  "Therefore", C reasons with great perspicacity, "I must
      have a black hat!"  (Unless D is being a b*****d, and has already
      double-guessed what is happening...)

    And from His Worship, Mad Mick, in the land of Blair:

      I believe a colleague of mine has cracked the puzzle.  He is Wayne, the
      brains behind Rick Wakeman.  His answer is.....
      C calls out 'Black'.
      Because D didn't call out anything.
      D *would* have called out 'Black' straight away if he was looking at two
      'Whites'.  D, however, was looking at one of each colour and consequently
      was just as confused as I was earlier.
      C surmised that D was confused because he was looking at a 'White'
      and a 'Black'.  As B was wearing a 'White'...  C called out 'BLACK'....
      and they all got shot and died happily ever after.
                                  ---------

    Mick also forwarded one for this week which goes like this:

   ===========================================================================
    MARY is 24.  MARY is twice as old as ANN was when MARY was as old as ANN
    is now.  How old is ANN now?
   ===========================================================================


    Okay - onto the humour contributions.  First up - this one from Jonian:
                             ----------------------

This farmer has about 200 hens but no rooster, and he wants chicks.  So he goes
down the road to his neighbour and asks if he has a rooster that he'd sell.

The neighbour sells him a great rooster named Kenny that was guaranteed to
service every chicken the farmer owned.  The farmer takes Kenny home and sets
him down in the barnyard, first giving the rooster a pep talk.

"I want you to pace yourself now.  You've got a lot of chickens to service here,
and you cost me a lot of money."  Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job.
So, take your time and have some fun." the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and
Kenny took off like a shot.  WHAM!  Kenny nails every hen in the hen
house-three or four times and the farmer is shocked.  After that the farmer
hears a commotion in the duck pen.  Sure enough, Kenny is in there.  Later,
the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake.  Once again
- WHAM!  He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasant.  The
farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive prize rooster won't even
last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Kenny on
his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard.  Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive bird, shakes
his head and cries, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself.  I _tried_ to get
you to slow down.  Now look what you've done to yourself."

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says,
"Shhh - they're getting closer ..."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Over to the westerly-type list now for this little collection:
                             ----------------------

     This appeared in the current issue of AUSTRALIAN AVIATION MAGAZINE ...

1.  Every takeoff is optional.  Every landing is mandatory.

2.  If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger.  If you pull the
    stick back, they get smaller.  That is, unless you keep pulling the stick
    all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3.  Flying isn't dangerous.  Crashing is what's dangerous.

4.  It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up
    there wishing you were down here.

5.  The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6.  The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the
    pilot cool.  When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7.  When in doubt, hold on to your altitude.  No-one has ever collided with
    the sky.

8.  A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away.  A 'great' landing
    is one after which they can use the plane again.

9.  Learn from the mistakes of others.  You won't live long enough to make all
    of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to
    the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of
    arrival.  Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and
    vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five
    minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds.  The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might
    be another aeroplane going in the opposite direction.  Reliable sources
    also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number
    of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.  Unfortunately
    no-one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience.  The
    trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round
    and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment,
    things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of
    miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has
    yet to lose.

20. Good judgement comes from experience.  Unfortunately, the experience
    usually comes from bad judgement.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as
    possible.

22. Keep looking around.  There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea.  It's the law.  And it's not
    subject to repeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you,
    the runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots.  There are, however,
    no old bold pilots.
                                 ---===###===---

    ... and the signature tag for the above wasn't bad either:

              Something to ponder ...

        People will forget what you said.
        People will forget what you did.
        But people will never forget how you made them feel.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      And just before the pics and things - a couple of short-ish ones
      recently forwarded on by Rosalie Louey:
                             ----------------------

                                  SKILLED LABOUR

Sven and Ole worked together, were both laid off, so off they went to the
unemployment office.  When asked his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the
eye and said "Panty stitcher.  I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher.  Finding it classed as unskilled labour,
she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Ole goes in and sits down with the lady.  She asked Ole his occupation.
"Diesel fitter" he replied.  Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk
gave the Ole $600 a week.

When Sven found out he was furious.  He stormed back in to find out why his
friend and co-worker, Ole, was collecting double his unemployment pay.  The
clerk explained: when I looked it up, panty stitchers were unskilled labourers
and diesel fitters were skilled labourers.

"What skill?" yelled Sven. "I sew the elastic on.  He pulls on it and says,
"Yep, diesel fitter".
                                  ==========


                        DEFINITIONS OF CAR BRAND NAMES

AUDI:      Another Ugly Deutsche Invention

BMW:       Brings Me Women but Broke My Wallet

FIAT:      Failure in Italian Automotive Technology

FORD:      Fast Only Rolling Downhill

HYUNDAI:   Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive...

SAAB:      Shape Appears Ass-Backwards

SUBARU:    Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually

VOLVO:     Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

PORSCHE:   Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        And so to the visuals for the week.  Steve Harding's kindly put up
        a few of these this week (the large ones, which would take about 2
        minutes to load from bluehaze).  First up - some strange inventions.
        You must have MS Powerpoint or a compatible program to see this (and
        if you have problems, try the .ppt version instead - ie: change the
        .pps to .ppt and hit Enter):

     Strange inventions: Click here

        Next one's also a PowerPoint slide show (.pps), forwarded on by
        Jonian from XRD (and the same comment as above if the browser
        doesn't understand what to do with a .pps file).

     Illusions: Click here

        The next couple were featured a year or two ago, but they've just
        turned up again in a collection from Maria Harding and they're good
        enough to re-run:

     Baa-a-a-a-a:      Click here
     I just do my job: Click here

        Some of you may remember the demotivational posters that Nicki A-O
        passed on back on June 30?  Well, here's four more:

     Defeat:    Click here
     Stupidity: Click here
     Failure:   Click here
     Agony:     Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Now back to some more textual stuff, beginning with this collection
      from Maria the Harding:
                             ----------------------

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped and returned to the gate.
After waiting about an hour, it finally took off.  A concerned passenger
asked the flight attendant what had happened.  "The pilot was bothered by a
noise he heard in the engine," said the attendant.  "It took us an hour to
find another pilot!"
                                  ==========

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Glad
Wrap.  The psychiatrist says, "Well ... I can clearly see your nuts."
                                  ==========

Our old friend Gladys attended church services one particular Sunday.  The
sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.

After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking
gentleman, in an attempt to revive him from his stupor, extended her hand in
greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."

To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"
                                  ==========

The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner.  While they were
in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were
having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old
goat for dinner today as any other day.'"
                                  ==========

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious
service when she was startled by an intruder.

As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she
yelled, "Stop - Acts 2:38!" (..turn from your sin...).

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks.  The woman calmly called the police and
explained what she had done.  As the officer cuffed the man to take him in,
he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there?  All she did was yell
a Scripture to you."

"Scripture?" cried the man, "I thought she said she had an AXE and two 38's."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Next - a Biblical tale recently forwarded on by David McCallum ...
                             ----------------------

In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth.  And the Earth was
without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.  And God said,
"Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree
yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And the Devil said, "There goes the neighbourhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them
have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over
the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that
creepeth upon the Earth."  And so God created Man in his own image; male and
female created he them.  And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they
were lean and fit.

And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green
and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and
healthy lives.

And the Devil created McDonald's.  And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent
double cheeseburger.  And the Devil said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Supersize them."  And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that
man found so fair.

And the Devil brought forth chocolate.  And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And the Devil brought forth Smorgy's.  And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with
which to cook them."

And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own
platter.  And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through
the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra
pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have
to toil to change channels between Sport1 and Sport2.  And Man gained another
20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."  And God brought forth
the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into
chips and deep-fat fried them.  And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in
cholesterol.  And the Devil saw and said, "It is good."  And Man went into
cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil cancelled Man's health insurance.

Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing
whole grain brown rice.

And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol
while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid
brew to get the same buzz.  And Man gained another ten pounds.

And God created the life-giving tofu.

And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning
asked Man, "Do I look fat?"

And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth."  And Man did.  And Woman went
out from the presence of Man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer,
east of the marriage counsellor.  And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth
and took unto herself comfort food.

And God brought forth Weight Watchers.  It didn't help.  And God created
exercise machines with easy payments.  And man brought forth his Visa at
21 percent.  And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod,
east of the polyester leisure suit.

In the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man in the
property settlement.  And it didn't help her, either.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


            And another one from the Westerly list (quite short):
                             ----------------------

                             EMANCIPATION IN KUWAIT

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before
the Gulf War.  She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet
behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several
yards behind their wives.  Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said,
"This is marvellous.  Can you tell the Western world just what enabled women
here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Here's a contribution from Tom Burns - some more one-liners ...
                             ----------------------

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I
married you."
The wife replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A woman placed a classified ad saying "Husband Wanted".  Next day she received
a hundred letters.  They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her
keep him.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.  Second marriage is
the triumph of hope over experience.

Losing a husband can be hard.  In my case, it was almost impossible.

My boyfriend told me I should be more affectionate.  So I got two boyfriends.

A wife said to her husband, "No, I don't hate your relatives.  In fact, I like
your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

A woman meets a genie.  The genie tells her she can have whatever she wants,
provided that her mother-in-law gets double.  She thinks for a moment and then
says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes, I am ... I married the wrong man."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      And finally for this week - some golfing humour from Brian D McNicol:
                             ----------------------

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the Tor Hill golf course and I was beginning
my pre-shot routine, visualising my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the
clubhouse loudspeaker: "Would the gentleman on the women's tee back-up to the
MEN'S tee, please."

I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption, again
the announcement, "Would the man on the woman's tee KINDLY back up to the MEN'S
tee?"

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled:
"Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the MEN'S tee ... PLEASE!"

I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the
person with the microphone and shouted back: "Would the person in the clubhouse
kindly shut the hell up and LET ME PLAY MY SECOND SHOT."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]




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