Friday humour - July 07, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

        Hi,
    And the answer to last weeks conundrum re the missing dollar?  Well, as
    Jean put it: "... the trick is that it's 27 - 2, not 27 + 2, ie: the
    delivery boy removed $2 from the transaction, he didn't add it.  And $25
    (ie: 27-2) is what the pizza cost."  Yep - just a trick question.  (Could
    be a good one for a year 9 or 10 school Maths test :-)

    This weeks puzzle was sent in by Steve Harding over at AMCOR.  It's in
    image form, so if any of you are limited to email, you may miss out.
    It's the "hats" puzzle: Click here

    BTW - if you have any puzzles you can forward on, please do.  I've had a
    quick flick through the rest of Gardiner's recreational maths paperback
    and the rest are mostly ones that need an image (which I could scan in
    but it's a bit hard to find the time).

    Onto humour now ... and first up, it's something from Maria Harding:
                              ------------------

                                    SENILE

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided
to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the
problems they were having with their memory.  After checking the couple out,
the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start
writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left.  Later that night while watching
TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replied, "Sure."

She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can
remember it?"

He said, "No - I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top.  You had
better write that down because I know you'll forget that."

He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top.  I know you will
forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down!  I
can remember that."

He then fumes into the kitchen.  After about 20 minutes, he returned from the
kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write
it down!  You forgot my toast!"
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       Now it's over to Telstra again for this piece from David Magnay -
       designed to assist our International travellers:
                              ------------------

                                HOSTAGE PHRASES

If you ever travelling in the Middle East, you may find it useful to know
these simple phrases.  With deep respect to the Islam nation, be it known
that less than 2% of the population belong to radical extremist factions.
Most Muslims are of course, very nice people ...


AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN.
Thank you for showing me your marvellous gun.

FEKR GABUL CRADAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR.
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor with my
arms above my head and my legs apart.

SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH OEH GOFTEH BANDE.
I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.

AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST.
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the boot of your car.

FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA EHKESH VAREHMAN.
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genitals, I will gladly
reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEH AMERIKAHEY.
I will tell you the names and addresses of many Australian spies travelling
as aid workers.

BALLI, BALLI, BALLI !
Whatever you say!

MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLEIEH, GHORBAN.
The red blindfold will be lovely, excellency.

TIEKH NUNEH OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM.
The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you.  I must get the recipe.

EY ASHTEC JEZERINEH GAHUL SALMAN RUSHDIE
I completely agree.  Salman Rushdie is an arsehole.
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       Next, one from our westerly humour list (although in fact this was
       posted to it by someone in the Finance Dept here at Clayton :-)
                              ------------------

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.  She
gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.  When he arrives,
she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.  When he
does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually ... no," he replies.

"Can you get him for me?  I need to speak to him," she says, running her
hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I ... can't" breathes the barman - clearly in trouble. "Is there
anything ... I can do?"

"Yes there is - I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily,
popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them
gently.  "Tell him that there's no toilet paper in the ladies room."
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            Next one's from Dave Moors EPA over at Ericssons:
                              ------------------

A fire fighter is working on the Engine outside the station when he notices
a little boy next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off
the side.  The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied
to a dog and a cat.

The fire fighter says, "Hey, little partner - what are you doing?"

The little boy says, "I'm pretending to be a fireman, and this is my fire
truck."

The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.  "That's sure is a nice
fire truck," he says with admiration.

"Thanks, mister," the boy says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the boy has tied the wagon
to the dog's collar, and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run
your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar,
I think you could go faster."

The boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
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      Now for some pics.  First up, a few from Evie the Popas re email and
      its effect on our lives:

        Email #1: Click here
        Email #2: Click here
        Email #3: Click here
        Email #4: Click here

      Next, another one from Jonian XRD Nikolov.  Came with this heading:

        FOR SALE: 1985 VW Golf, 5 gears, mileage only 5 km
        Excellent condition, as new, only driven in first gear and reverse.
        Tyres, brakes, and engine - all original.  Buyer to pick up vehicle.
        Picture: Click here

      The next three from Steve [redacted] are more in the realm of "amazing
      sporting accidents" - probably not for viewing by the weak of knee :-)

        Hi Spike: Click here
        Tackle: Click here
        Knee: Click here

      And finally in the image department for this week - here's just a
      couple from Maria the Harding:

        The Kilt: Click here
        Emergency 'phone: Click here
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      Okay - next one is again from our ol' westerly list.  It bears some
      minor resemblance to the piece "TEN SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER"
      (FH of 26/5/2000), but even if you *did* read that, I'm sure you'll get
      a smile out of this (*esp* if you have kids ;-)
                              ------------------

                 APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be deemed incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, and current
medical report.

NAME:_______________________________

DATE OF BIRTH_______________________

HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT____________ IQ________________

TAX FILE NUMBER #___________________ DRIVER'S LICENSE #___________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES___________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS___________________ CITY/STATE______________ POSTCODE______

Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent? if NO, please
explain
_________________________________________________________________________

Number of years parents married___________ If less then your age, explain.
________________________________________________________________________

Do you own a van?_____  A truck with oversized tyres? _______

A waterbed?______  A pickup with a mattress in the back?_____

Do you have earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or tattoo?_____

(IF YES TO ANY OF THE ABOVE QUESTIONS, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE
THE PREMISES)

In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?_________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?______
_________________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?___________________
_________________________________________________________________________

Church you attend_____________________

How often do you attend_______________

When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and pastor?_____

Answer by filling in the blank.  Please answer freely, all answers are
confidential (that means I won't tell anyone, EVER)

A. If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be in the _________

B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ___________

C. A woman's place is in the ___________________________________________

D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask about is _________

E. When I meet a girl, the thing I notice first is _____________________

(IF ANSWER "E" BEGINS WITH A "T" OR "A", DISCONTINUE, LEAVE PREMISES, KEEPING
YOUR HEAD LOW AND RUNNING IN A SERPIRINE FASHION IS ADVISED.)

What do you want to be IF you grow up? ________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND
CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PEANLTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION,ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER
TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_____________________SIGNATURE (That means write your name, dickhead)

Thank you for your interest.  Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.

Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't and it would
cause you injury).  If your application is rejected, you will be notified by
two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (you might watch
your back).
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      Now, Lee - here's a couple from David (Fifi) McCallum ...
                              ------------------

It's common practice in England to ring a telephone by sending extra voltage
across one side of the two-wire circuit and ground (earth in England).  When
the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two-wire circuit for the
conversation.  This method allows two parties on the same line to be signalled
without disturbing each other.

Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone
failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when
it did ring her dog always barked first.  The telephone repairman proceeded
to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
subscriber's house.  The phone didn't ring.  He tried again.

a.  The dog barked loudly followed by a ringing telephone.

b. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

c. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron
    chain and collar ...

d. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current.

e. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinating
    on the ground ...

f. The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would ring...

Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them.
But only temporarily.
                           ---===####===---

     ... and ...


While waiting at a bus stop for a bus, a woman stepped onto a weight machine
that told your fortune and weight for a quarter.  She put a quarter in, and
out came a card that read, "Your age is 32, You weigh 135 lbs., and you play
the fiddle."

She found the fortune amusing, since she didn't play the fiddle, but it did
have her age correct.  About that time, an old gentleman walked up carrying a
fiddle.  She asked him if she could see his fiddle.  He agreed, and to their
amazement, she started playing the fiddle with great natural skill.  She
wondered if the fortune machine had actually known something about her that
she didn't.  She thought about it, and decided to try the weight machine
again.  She put another quarter in the machine, and out comes the card that
reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you have gastritis."

She found this one to be absurd, as she was in perfect health, so she goes
back to the bus-stop to wait for her bus.  While sitting there, she develops
abdominal pains that continue to get worse until all of a sudden she farts.
She wondered about the fortune, and again was curious if the machine was
capable of knowing stuff about her that she didn't know.  She puts another
quarter in the machine, and out comes a card that reads: "Your age is 32,
you weigh 135 lbs., and you are about to have sex."

She laughed out loud, as she had been trying to find a decent guy to screw
for weeks, with no luck.  She is sitting there waiting for the bus, when this
attractive young man sits down and immediately their eyes locked, and they
both knew that they were right for each other.  They quickly ducked down an
alley and began to screw like two teenagers.  The woman was so simply amazed
at the ability of the machine, that she had to try it one more time.  She stood
on the machine, put her last quarter in, and out came a card that read:

"Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., you've fiddled, farted and screwed around,
and now you've missed your bus."
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        Almost finished for this week.  This penultimate piece is another
        one from Maria Harding:
                              ------------------

A man walked into a quiet bar.  He carried three ducks, one in each hand and
one under his left arm.  He placed them one beside the other upon the bar.

He had a few drinks and chatted with the bartender.  The bartender was
experienced and had learned not to ask people about the animals that they
bring into the bar, so he didn't mention the ducks.

They chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man with the ducks had
to go to the restroom.  He left the ducks there on the bar.  The bartender
was alone with the ducks.  There was an awkward silence as they all looked at
one another.  The bartender decided to break the ice and try to make a little
conversation.

"Say, what's your name?" he asked the first duck.

"Huey," replied the first duck.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great.  Lovely day.  Had a ball.  Been in and out of puddles all day!  What
else could a duck want?" answered the duck.

"Oh.  That's nice," said the bartender.  Then he said to the second duck,
"Hi.  And what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Great.  Lovely day.  I had a ball too!  Been in and out of puddles all
day myself.  If I had the chance another day, I'd do the same again!"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So you must be Louie!?"

"No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles.  And don't even ask what
kind of day I've had."
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       And the closing contribution for this week is from Steve [redacted]
       (as passed on by Tony K):
                              ------------------

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
For his first chapter he decided to write about famous New Zealand and
Australian cathedrals.  So he bought a plane ticket and made the trip to
Auckland, New Zealand, thinking that he would work his way on from New Zealand.

On his first day, he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed
a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000/call".

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the
telephone was used for.  The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven
and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.  The American thanked the priest
and went along his way.

Next stop was in Christchurch.  There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the
same golden telephone with the same sign under it.  He wondered if this was
the same kind of telephone he saw in Auckland and he asked a nearby nun what
it's purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he
could talk to God. "Okay, thank you", said the American.

He then travelled to Dunedin, Wellington, and Rotorua and in every church he
saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
With his first chapter going well, he left New Zealand and travelled to
Australia , and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time
the sign under it read "20 cents per call."

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.  "Father,
I've travelled all over New Zealand, and I've seen this same golden telephone
in many churches.  I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in all
the cities in New Zealand the price per call was $10,000 per call.  So how
come it's so cheap here?"

The priest just smiled and explained, "Well, you're in Australia now, son.
So it's a local call".
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[ End Friday humour ]




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