Friday humour - June 30, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

   And before I forget - the answer to last weeks classic conundrum re the
   Liars and the Truth Tellers ... well, I'll give you Steve Harding and Mike
   Horne's answers (slightly different angles):

   SH: If I were to ask you what road to take, what would you tell me?

     ... and ...

   MH: Ahhhh ... a golden oldie (so my response owes more to my memory than to
       my abilities in logic.)  He asks the native "What would someone from
       the other tribe would tell me?"  And then he takes the opposite road.

      Another puzzle came in with a collection of humour from Maria Harding,
      and it'll serve admirably as _this_ weeks conundrum:

Three guys in a hotel call room service and order two large pizza.
The delivery boy brings them up with a bill for exactly $30.00.  Each guy
give him a $10.00 bill, and he leaves.

When he hands the $30.00 to the cashier, he is told the bill was only $25.00,
not $30.00.  The cashier gives the delivery boy five $1.00 bills and tells
him to take it back to the 3 guys who ordered the pizza.

On the way back to their room, the delivery boy thinks "These guys didn't give
me a tip!"  He figures that since there is no way to split $5.00 evenly three
ways, he'll keep two dollars for himself and give them back the three dollars.

He knocks on the door and one fellow answers.  He explains about a mix up
in the bill, and hands the guy the three dollars, then departs with his two
dollar tip in his packet.

Now, $30-$25=$5, right?   And $5-$3=$2, right?

So what's the problem?

Well, each of the three guys originally gave $10.00.  They each got back $1.00
in change.  That means they paid $9.00 each, which times three is $27.00.
The delivery boy kept $2.00 for a tip.

$27.00 plus $2.00 equals $29.00

Where is the other dollar?

          Now for some POMME SOCCER humour from the ol' list out west ...

Rumours that David Beckham was seen successfully seducing a young woman in
a Brussels nightclub have been completely refuted by the English FA.

Adam Crozier, chief publicity officer stated: "It's totally preposterous to
suggest that one of our players could make a successful pass to or at anyone."

Why are the England team banned from owning dogs?
Because they can't keep hold of a lead.

What's the difference between Phil Neville and the new style Airfix models?
One's a Glueless Kit and ...

What's the difference between England and a tea bag?
The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

Did you know that OXO will be bringing out a new cube based on the England team?
It'll be called 'Laughing Stock' and it will crumble in the box

      Now for something politically incorrect from John ("whad'ya mean you
      don't know where it is - it's here on my bl___y list") Stevens:

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a
sign that reads: "For Women Only".  Since they are without their boyfriends
and husbands, they decide to go in.

The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.  "We have
5 floors.  Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for,
you can stay there.  It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling
you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men
here have it short and thin."  The friends laugh and without hesitation move
on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin."
Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it
short and thick."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left,
they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and
thick."  The women get all excited and are going in when they realise that
there is still one floor left.

Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here.  This floor was
built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

       Time for one from the SALMFXRD (pronounced "selma frixrod") (?)

                         HOW TO COPE WITH TELEMARKETERS

1.  If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy
    and you could sure use some money.

2.  If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked,
    because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems.
    My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died .."

3.  If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their
    name.  Then ask them to spell the company name.  Then ask them where it is
    located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how
    they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they
    have, etc.  Continue asking them personal questions or questions about
    their company for as long as necessary.

4.  This works great if you are male.  Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and
    I'm with XYZ Company ..."

    You: Wait for a second and interrupt with a real husky voice, asking,
    (heavy gasp) "What are you wearing?"

5.  Cry out in surprise, "Judy?  Is that you?  Oh my God!  Judy, how have you
    been?"  Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she
    tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6.  Say "No" over and over.  Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep
    a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak.  This is most fun if
    you can do it until they hang up.

7.  If AMP calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan,
    reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would
    you be my friend?"

8.  If the company cleans rugs, answer: "Can you get out blood?  Can you get
    out goat blood?  How about human blood?"

9.  After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry
    you.  When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your
    credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't
    sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone.  As soon as you realise it is a Telemarketer, set the
    receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she
    will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.  When
    the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home
    numbers, say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?"
    The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me neither!" and hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold.  Put them
    on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure.  Smack
    your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they
    could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you.  But I should probably
    tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.
    "Come on, Leon, cut it out!  Seriously, Leon - how's your boyfriend?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up ...
    louder ... LOUDER . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word

 NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on telemarketers.
         No animals were harmed in the testing.

      And another one from Maria (who sent in quite a bundle this week):

  The Reverend Jerry Falwell recently claimed that Tinky Winky, from the
  Teletubbies children's television show, was "clearly a fount of gayness."
  His reasoning is because the character is purple (a "gay" colour), has an
  antenna in a triangle shape (a "gay" symbol), and he carries a purse.

  However, as I see it, Falwell's work is far from over ...


Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock Bowling Team is "Twinkle-Toes," the show's
theme song ends with the phrase, "We'll have a gay old time," he wears a little
orange dress with triangles on it, and he hangs out with Barney more than Wilma.


Evidence: He often stands with his hand on his hip, he played a hairdresser
in one episode, he frequently dresses in drag, and he loves to throw on a
top hat and tails while belting out Broadway show tunes with his buddy Daffy,
who, it's worth noting, speaks with an obvious lisp.

      VELMA (of Scooby Doo)

Evidence: She always tries to sit next to Daphne in the van, she sports an
obvious butch haircut, she has broad shoulders, she is always wearing a thick
turtleneck sweater and knee socks, and she never once attempted to shag Shaggy.


Evidence: He eats lots of salads, wears a sailor suit even though he hasn't been
on a ship in years, frequently does little sailor dances, dates a flat-chested
transvestite named Olive Oyl, and his best friend is named Wimpy.


Evidence: Robin's nickname is "Boy Wonder,"  Batman's real name is "Bruce,"
they both wear tights, and are both in great shape.


Evidence: She has a deep, gravelly voice, she always wears pants (rather than
dresses like all the rest of the Peanuts girls), she plays a mean game of
football, she is always hanging out with the very androgynous Marcie, she
always wears comfortable shoes, and her nickname is "Sir."


Enough said.

      Okay - picture time!  SALMFXRD passed on a little collection during
      the week (which was just as well - I had none left) - these are from
      a collection entitled DEMOTIVATIONAL POSTERS.  Here's the first four:

    Ineptitude: Click here
    Mediocrity: Click here
    Mistakes:  Click here
    Procrastination: Click here

      And this little one was passed on by Maria the Harding:

    Surprise: Click here

      Now for a couple from David McCallum (first one may actually be a
      repeat but I can't find it in the archive so let's run it anyway):

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was
severely burned.  The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any
skin from her body because she was too skinny.  So the husband offered to
donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would
have to come from his buttocks.  The husband and wife agreed that they would
tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor
also honour their secret.  After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new
beauty.  She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!  All her friends
and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion
at his sacrifice.  She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything
you did for me.  There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your
mother kiss you on the cheek."

     ... and ...

A guy returns home from work one day and finds his "significant other" with
her bags packed and walking out the door.  He asks her what she is doing.

She responds "John, I'm leaving you, for I have heard that you are a

To which he ponders and then responds "PAEDOPHILE?!!   Now, Mary - that is an
awfully big word for a 10 year old."

     This next one from David at Telstra is also a possible repeat (I've seen
     it before) - but again, a search through the archive doesn't reveal
     any trace of it - anyway, it's a classic:


     The customer is usually right ... from their point of view!

   A complaint received by the Pontiac Division of General Motors:

"This is the second time I have written you, and I don't blame you for not
answering me, because what I have to say sounds kind of crazy.  But it is a
fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert after
dinner each night.  But the kind of ice cream varies.  So, every night, after
we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have
and I drive down to the store to get it.

It's also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since them my
trips to the store have created a problem.  You see, every time I buy vanilla
ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won't start.  If I get any
other kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine.

I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly it
sounds: 'What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get
vanilla ice-cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?'"

The Pontiac president was understandably sceptical about the letter, but sent
an engineer to check it out anyway.  The latter was surprised to be greeted
by a successful, obviously well-educated man in a fine neighbourhood.

He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time, so the two hopped
into the car and drove to the ice cream store.  It was vanilla ice cream that
night and, sure enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn't start.

The engineer returned for three more nights.  The first night, the man got
chocolate.  The car started.  The second night, he got strawberry.  The car
started.  The third night he ordered vanilla.  The car failed to start.

Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man's
car was allergic to vanilla ice cream.  He arranged, therefore, to continue
his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem.  And toward this end
he began to take notes: he jotted down all sorts of data, time of day, type
of gas used, time to drive back and forth, etc.

In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla than
any other flavour.  Why?

The answer was in the layout of the store.  Vanilla, being the most popular
flavour, was in a separate case at the front of the store for quick pickup.
All the other flavours were kept in the back of the store at a different
counter, where it took considerably longer to find the flavour and get
checked out.

Now the question for the engineer had been reduced to "Why won't the car
start when it takes less time?"

Once *time* became the problem - and not the vanilla ice cream - the engineer
quickly came up with the answer ... vapour lock.  It was happening every night,
but the extra time taken to get the other flavours allowed the engine to cool
down sufficiently to start.  When the man got vanilla, the engine was still
too hot for the vapour lock to dissipate.

(Often, we must look deeper than the obvious to find the real problem.)

       And to finish off for this cold and miserable Melbourne (pre-GST)
       middle-of-winter week, a couple from Jonian (XRD) Nikolov (and -
       ***warning*** - first one's a trifle lewd ... good pub humour :-)

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini
skirt.  Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of the
females' thighs.  To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The Blonde realises he is staring and enquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry" replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.  "It's quite
alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it
blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough, the pussy blows him a kiss.

The man, who is getting really interested, enquires as to what else the Wonder
pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman.

The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.  The man
moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, the man replies, "Oh - wow ... you mean it can whistle as well?!"

    ... and finally:

At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Scouse bloke - 6ft 5in and 350lbs.
He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks
in and sits beside him.  After three or four beers, the queer fella finally
plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.  Leaning over
towards the scouser, he whispers, "Do you want a blow-job?"

At this the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the
man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool.  He proceeds to beat the
hell out of him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and
battered in the car park and finally returning to his seat.

Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you
react like *that*," he says. "Just _what_ did he say to you?"

I'm not sure", the big Scouser replies, "... something about a job."

    And remember (next weeks motto from the SS20):

  "Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe."

[ End Friday humour ]

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