Friday humour - June 23, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

        Yo,
    And again we'll start off this week's lot with the solution to last week's
    brain-teaser.  If you missed the question - well, as always, it's in the
    archives - just go to Click here
                             -------------------

    The answer (out of Gardiner) runs roughly as follows:

Since they arrived home 10 minutes earlier than usual, this means that his
wife must have chopped 10 minutes from her usual return-trip travel time,
or 5 minutes from her time to the station.  Thus she had met her husband 5
minutes earlier than usual - at 4:55.  He'd started walking at four, so he
must have walked for 55 minutes.

The man's walking speed, his wife's driving speed, and the distance between
the home and station are not needed for solving the problem, and if you tried
to solve it using these variables, you would probably have found the problem
exasperating.
                             -------------------

       For those of you who enjoy these, here's another for next week (from
       the same book :-)

A logician on holiday in the South Seas finds himself on an island inhabited
by two proverbial tribes of liars and truth-tellers.  Members of one tribe
always tell the truth, members of the other always lie.

He comes to a fork in the road and has to ask a native bystander which branch
he should take to reach a village.  He has no way of telling whether the
native is a liar or a truth-teller.

The logician thinks for a moment, then asks one question only.  From the reply,
he knows which road to take.  What question does he ask?
                             -------------------

   And first up in the humour department this week, it's TBFXRD - or (as she
   now prefers to be called since the complaints re her TBFXRD email signature)
   SALMFXRD ( = "sweet and lovable motherly figure from XRD") ... (?) with a
   cupla shortish ones:
                             -------------------

One reason the Military has trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak
the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn
off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive
fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an
option to buy.
                              ---===###===---

Two goats are eating used movie film on the back lot of a movie studio.

One says, "This stuff is pretty good."

The other answers, "Not as good as the book."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      And an equally short one from Steve (LMS and PC-MAUD) Harding:

A woman walks into a chemist shop to buy some tampons.  She notices a group
of tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a sign on them saying "Five
boxes for a dollar."

Well, the woman just could not believe this price so she asks the clerk if
it was correct.

He said "Yes - that's quite right - it's five for a dollar."

She said "Oh, really - that can't be right!"

The clerk says "Yes it is.  Five boxes for a dollar - no strings attached."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     This next one (as per most of the pictorial humour for this week) comes
     courtesy of Jonian in XRD:
                             -------------------

A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet which is getting ready to take off.
Suddenly, the man sneezes.  He unzips his pants and wipes the end of his penis
off with his handkerchief.  He zips up, and continues reading his magazine.

The woman cannot believe what she just saw.  Then he sneezes again, unzips,
pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief.

The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude, and if you
do it again, I am going to call the flight attendant and have you removed
from this plane."

He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you.  I have this very rare,
embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to have an orgasm every
time I sneeze."

The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her
own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh, you poor man, what are you taking
for it?"

"Pepper," he answers.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     And a bit of software-related humour from Jenny Chong over at NEC -
     for those of us who have at any time had to battle with releasing code:
                             -------------------

             TWELVE REASONS TO HIRE A KLINGON SOFTWARE ENGINEER

12) "Specifications are for the weak and timid!"

11) "This machine is a piece of GAGH!  I need dual 1000Mhz Pentium processors
     if I am to do battle with this code!"

10) "You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original
     Klingon."

9) "Indentation?! ... I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!"

8) "What is this talk of 'release'?  Klingons do not make software 'releases'.
    Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality
    assurance people in it's wake."

7) "Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' -
    and they ALWAYS WIN THEM."

6) "Debugging?  Klingons do not debug.  Our software does not coddle the weak."

5) "I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest.
    They will not concern us again."

4) "A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!"

3) "By filing this defect report, you have challenged the honour of my family.
    Prepare to die!"

2) "You question the worthiness of my code?  I should kill you where you stand."

1) "Our user's will know fear and cower before our software!  Ship it - ship it
    ... and let them flee like the dogs they are!"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Now for something from our list out west ... some (supposedly actual)
     headlines from around the US of A:
                             -------------------

Marijuana Issue Sent To A Joint Committee
   --  Toronto Star headline

Publicise your business absolutely free!  Just send $6.
   --  Entrepreneur Magazine ad

Messiah Climaxes In Chorus Of Hallelujahs
   --  The Anchorage, Alaska Times

Married Priests In Catholic Church A Long Time Coming
   --  The New Haven, Connecticut Register

Would She Climb To The Top Of Mr. Everest Again?  Absolutely!
   --  The Houston Chronicle

Governor's Penis Busy
   --  The New Haven, Connecticut Register ( ... should have be "Pen is")

Thanks To President Clinton, Staff Sgt.  Fruer Now Has A Son
   --  The Arkansas Plainsman

Clinton Places Dickey In Gore's Hands
   --  Bangor Maine News

Starr Aghast At First Lady Sex Position
   --  The Washington Times

Clinton Stiff On Withdrawal
   --  The Bosnia Bugle

Organ Festival Ends In Smashing Climax
   --  San Antonio Rose

Petroleum Jelly Keeps Idle Tools Rust-free
   --  Chicago Daily News

Textron Inc. Makes Offer To Screw Company Stockholders
   --  The Miami Herald

"Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25."
   -- Mary Ann Tebedo (Republican member of the Colorado State Senate), a
      remark on the Senate floor during the 1995 session, quoted in the Denver
      Post, May 14, 1995

"Christmas Sale of Methodist Women at West-Side Church"
  --  A headline in the Springfield (Massachusetts) Daily News

"Health department says death certificates are to be ordered one week in
 advance of death."
  --  from the Lancaster (Ohio) Eagle-Gazette
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Now to the pics for the week.   Most of these were passed on by Jonian:

   Illusion: Click here
   Lost puppy: Click here
   A Romantic Italian: Click here
   Cricket: Click here

      And one from Ian Madsen (*** warning *** XXX rated ... don't be caught
      with this stuck in your Netscape cache when the thought-police arrive:)

   Romantic Dinner: Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Okay - back to ASCII and another welcome contribution from Maria Harding:
                            -------------------

                               A DOG NAMED SEX

Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy.  I call mine SEX.  He's a
great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.  When I went
to the Town Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a
license for SEX.  He said, "I'd like one too."

I said, "But this is a dog".  He said he didn't care what she looked like.

Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had SEX since I was 9 years old".  He
winked and said, "You must be quite a kid."

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me.  I told
the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and special room for
SEX.  He said, "You don't need a special room.  As long as you pay your bill,
we don't care what you do."

I said, "Look you don't seem to understand.  SEX keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "Funny - I have the same problem."

One day, I entered SEX in a contest, but before the competition began, the
dog ran away.  Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there,
looking disappointed.  I told him I planned to have SEX in the contest.  He
told me I should have sold my own tickets.  "But you don't understand", I said
"I hoped to have SEX on TV."  He said, "Now that cable is all over the place,
that's no big deal any more."

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.
I said, "Your honour, I had SEX before my marriage."  The judge said, "The
courtroom isn't a confessional.  Stick to the case, please."

Then, I told him that after I was married, SEX left me.  He said, "Me, too."

Last night, SEX ran off. again.  I spent hours looking all over town for him.
A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley a 4 o'clock
in the morning?."  I told him that I was looking for SEX.

My case comes up on Friday.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     This next piece was recently forwarded on by Ian Madsen, although the
     SALMFXRD also passed it on some time back ... an oldy but a goody:
                             -------------------

FEUDALISM: You have two cows.  Your landlord takes some of the milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows.  The government takes both, hires you to take care
of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows.  Your neighbours help you take care of them,
and you all share the milk.

APPLIED COMMUNISM: You have two cows.  You have to take care of them, but the
government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows.  The government takes both and shoots you.

NIGERIAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows.  The government takes both, shoots you
and sends the cows to Zurich.

MILITARISM: You have two cows.  The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows.  Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows.  The government fines you for keeping
two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows.  Your neighbours pick someone to
tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: Politicians promise to give you two cows if you elect
them.  After you do, they redefine who qualifies for the cows so that only a
select group of campaign contributors qualify.  The cows file a class action
suit against you for breach of contract, while the milk price support floor
is raised so astronomically that you switch to Coke.

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows.  You feed them sheep's brains and they
go mad.  The government does nothing.

EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows.  At first, the government regulates
what you can feed them and when you can milk them.  Then it pays you not to
milk them.

After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk
down the drain.  Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the
missing cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows.  You sell one and buy a bull.

GLOBAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows.  A multi-national company invests in
them, buys the milk cheaply, and exports it to another country for processing.
You have to buy imported yoghurt at an inflated price.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows.  You sell three of them to your
publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law
at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer
so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows.

The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a
Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells
the right to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company.  The annual
report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad feng shui.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows.  The government takes them and denies they
ever existed.  Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of 'ownership' is
a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently
aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

COUNTERCULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like ... these two cows, man.  You have
*got* to have some of this milk.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes.  The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Finally, onto our last three contributions for this week - these were
      in fact ALL forwarded by Ian Madsen:
                             -------------------

    The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the
    University of Copenhagen:

"DESCRIBE HOW TO DETERMINE THE HEIGHT OF A SKYSCRAPER WITH A BAROMETER."

    One student replied:

"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the
barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground.  The length of the
string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was
failed immediately.  The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was
indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to
decide the case.  The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but
did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics.  To resolve the problem
it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to
provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the
basic principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought.  The
arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied
that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind
which to use.  On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper,
drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground.
The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g
x t squared.  But bad luck on the barometer."

"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer,
then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow.  Then you measure
the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter
of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."

"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short
piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground
level and then on the roof of the skyscraper.  The height is worked out by
the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqrroot (l / g)."

"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier
to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths,
then add them up."

"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could
use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper
and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give
the height of the building."

"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind
and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on
the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer,
I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."

The student was Niels Bohr - the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for Physics.
                              ---===###===---

A mother, frustrated at her attempts to get any house work done with her 8
year old son constantly underfoot, handed him a bag of M&M's and told him to
go outside and play.

An hour or so later, having finished the housework, she went to the window to
check on her son, to find him sitting on the front steps, the bag of M&M's
in one hand and the cat in the other.  Curious as to what he was doing, she
decided to watch for a minute, only to see her sweet little 8 year old pop
a couple of M&M's in his mouth, bite the cat and and move down a step.

Heading for the door to yell at him and ask him just what the hell he was
doing, she saw him repeat the process: Pop a couple of M&M's in his mouth,
bite the cat and move down another step.

She finally made it out the door and, yelling at her son, asked him what
he was doing, to which he replied in his sweet little 8 year old voice,
"I'm playin' trucker, mommy!  Poppin' pills, eatin' pussy and movin' on!!".
                              ---===###===---

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One.

ONE!!   And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?

Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb.  They don't
even know the bulb is BURNED OUT.  They would sit in this house in the dark
for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT.

And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the lightbulbs
despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN
YEARS.

But if they did, by some miracle, find the lightbulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the
chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID
lightbulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!

AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID #)#(*(*^*&% LIGHT
BULBS CAME IN.

WHY???

BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!

IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE
12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE.

THE HOUSE!!  THE HOUSE!!!  IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS..

That's how many.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]





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