Friday humour - June 16, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

        Yo,
    We'd better start off this week with the solution to Mad Mick's fish
    puzzle!  A few people did attack it (Ron used Excel and solved it in
    20 minutes ... typical computer nerd :-)
                             -------------------

House Position by colour

Hint 4 -  Green house is on the left of the White house.  Therefore must be
          two together.
Hint 9  - States that the Norwegian lives in the first house, and
Hint 14 - The Norwegian lives next to the Blue house.

FACTS - House 2 is BLUE therefore house 1 cannot be Green or White. (Needs two
        houses together)

House 3 can be Green
House 4 can be Green
House 4 can be White
House 5 can be White.

House 1 can be Red or Yellow.
House 3 can be Red or Yellow.
House 5 can be Red or Yellow, but ...

Hint 5 - The Green house owner drinks coffee and
Hint 8 - The centre house owner drinks Milk means the centre house cannot be
         green.

FACT - House 4 is Green and House 5 is White. (Hints 4, 5, and 8.)
       House I can be Red or yellow
       House 3 can be Red or yellow, but ...

FACT - The Brit lives in the Red House Hint 1 therefore he cannot live in the
       first house.
FACT - The Middle house is Red.
FACT - The first house is Yellow

       Who lives in these Houses?

FACT - Hint 9 The NORWEGIAN  lives in House 1 (yellow)
FACT - Hint 1 The BRIT lives in House 3 (Red)
FACT - Hint 7 The yellow house Norwegian smokes Dunhill which is proved by ...
FACT - Hint 11 The Blue house keeps Horses
FACT - Hint 8 The BRIT drinks Milk in the centre house

       So far:

House 1          Yellow   Norwegian                              Dunhill
House 2          Blue     Dane           Horses
House 3          Red      Brit                     Milk
House 4          Green
House 5          White

       What do they drink?

FACT - Hint 3 The DANE  drinks tea
FACT - Hint 8 The BRIT drinks milk
FACT - Hint 5 The Green house owner drinks coffee
FACT - Hint 12 The Norwegian cannot smoke BlueMaster because he smokes Dunhill,
       therefore:
FACT - Hint 12 The White house owner drinks beer and smokes BlueMaster
FACT - by elimination the Norwegian drinks Water.

       So far:

House 1          Yellow   Norwegian                Water          Dunhill
House 2          Blue     Dane          Horses     Tea
House 3          Red      Brit                     Milk
House 4          Green                             Coffee
House 5          White                             Beer           BlueMaster

       What do they smoke?

FACT - Norwegian DUNHILL already proven
FACT - White house BLUEMASTER already proven
FACT - Hint 15 the man who smokes Blend is neighboured by the Norwegian who
       drinks water

Because the Brit lives in House 3 (no smoke as yet), and
Because House 5 smokes Bluemaster
Because Houses 1 & 2 are owned by the Norwegian and Dane

FACT - The German who smokes PRINCE must live in house 4
FACT - The SWEDE must therefore live in the White House and keeps DOGS (hint 2)

       So far:

House 1        Yellow   Norwegian                 Water          Dunhill
House 2        Blue     Dane        Horses        Tea            Blend
House 3        Red      Brit                      Milk
House 4        Green    German                    Coffee         Prince
House 5        White    Swede       Dogs          Beer           BlueMaster

FACT - by elimination the Brit smokes Pall Mall
FACT - Hint 6 The Brit keeps Birds
FACT - Hint 10 The Norwegian must keep Cats because the Brit keeps Birds and
       the Dane smokes Blend

ANSWER:  The GERMAN keeps the fish.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Here's another puzzle for next week.  This comes from the paperback
    "Mathematical Puzzles and Diversions" by Martin Gardiner:
                             ----------------------

A commuter is in the habit of arriving at his suburban station each evening at
exactly five o'clock.  His wife always meets the train and drives him home.

One day he takes an earlier train, arriving at the station at four.  The
weather is pleasant, so instead of telephoning home, he starts walking along
the route always taken by his wife.  They meet somewhere on the way.  He gets
into the car and they drive home, arriving at their house ten minutes earlier
than usual.

Assuming that his wife always drives at constant speed, and that on this
occasion she left just in time to meet the five o'clock train, work out how
long the husband walked before he was picked up.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Onto the humour now - all from the recent arrivals bin.  This first
      contribution was just forwarded on by Jonian:
                             ----------------------

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided
they needed to visit a whorehouse.  When they arrived at the house, the Madame
took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls
on these two old men.  So she used "blow-up" dolls instead.  She put the dolls
in each man's room and left them to their business.

After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.
The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead.  She never moved, talked,
or groaned.  How was it for your?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."

The first man asked, "How's that?"

"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast, she just farted and
 flew out the window!"
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      Here's some POLITICAL humour (so ... shhhh ... although if the CSIRO
      IT outsourcing proposal goes ahead as planned, there won't be any
      Friday humour after this year anyway, so why should I worry?).

      This was forwarded on by John Sharples over the Museum of Vic, and
      (quite coincidentally) by David Magnay over at Telstra:
                             ----------------------

By now, of course, you've read all those GST information leaflets which the
Australian Commonwealth(?) Government has been sending out, and you have a
complete understanding of how it's all going to work.

Oh, you don't?  Well, never mind......

The new system is NUTS - the New Universal Taxation System - and although it
may appear to be complicated, it is easy to understand.

Basically, it is STUFFT -- the Simplified Tax Unit For Financial Transactions.

Major elements of NUTS include a number for each business entity an Australian
Business Utilisation Number (ABUN) which will be used during dealings with
governments at all levels.

Every business in Australia will get ABUN with NUTS.  The new system will
simplify the way businesses report to the Australian Taxation Collection
Head Office Organisation (ATCHOO) Businesses will be required to complete a
Business Activity Statement Table And Report Directive every month.

Businesses should set aside at least three days every working week to fill
the BASTARD out.

Under the new system, every adult Australian taxpayer is classified as a
SUCKER (Simple Underpaid Consumer Keeping Everything Running), unless they
are unemployed and receiving Commonwealth benefits, in which case they are
classified as a RATBAG (Registered Australian Taxation Beneficiary Allowance
Grantee).

All SUCKERs and RATBAGs will be required to complete a DAFT (Direct Application
For Taxation) form.  The completed DAFT form will be assessed by a local MORON
(Metropolitan Or Regional Outcome Negotiator) who determines the amount of CRAP
(Credited Refund Allowance Payment) the taxpayer will receive.

Any SUCKER who wishes to appeal against the amount of CRAP received from
the Government should contact their local MORON, who will assess the appeal
and classify it as either STUPID (Secondary Temporarily Unpaid Portion of
Individual Donation) or IDIOTIC (Income-Derived Individual Obligatory Taxation
Instalment Credit).

If you are a RATBAG, you will not be entitled to ABUN with NUTS.

You will need to apply for the new allowance provided jointly by both State
and Federal Governments, JOB (Joint Organisation Benefit).  Any RATBAG who
does not apply for a JOB can get STUFFT.

From July 1, when all of Australia goes NUTS, small businesses need to submit
a fortnightly General Allocation Rebate For Business And Goods Estimate
(GARBAGE) report to the Department for Untaxed Merchandise and Produce
(DUMP).  Your GARBAGE must be sent to the DUMP before the 30th of each month.

All small businesses must be registered as Business Utilising Sales Tax (BUST)
by June 30th, and small businesses employing more than 2.7 persons on a regular
full-time basis must give each employee the Statutory Assessment Contribution
Kit (SACK) on or before July 1.  Only when all employees have been given the
SACK will the business be officially acknowledged as BUST.

In order to alleviate any hardship during the changeover period, the Government
will establish a Department of Grants and Subsidies (DOGS).  It is anticipated
that, by the end of the next financial year, all business will be registered
as BUST and the country will have gone to the DOGS.
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    Here's a few PIC's now!  First one's from Matt Green over at CUB:

  A Woman's Mouse: Click here

    This one is from Steve [redacted] (large-ish):

  Bus 55 accident: Click here

    And finally - this beautifully sexist piece from Maura McDermot:

  Wishing Well: Click here


    Oh - I nearly forgot again: In response to my question re the content and
    meaning of the last pic in the FH of May 19th 2000, I received the
    following "Letters to the Editor" on the same day and forgot to acknowledge
    them, so here they are now:
                             ----------------------

    From Steve Harding:

   Looks to me as though it is a surveillance video frame of a man standing
   between a table and an open door in a hotel room.  He is highlighted with an
   oval surround and there appears to be a person leaving by the door.  I can
   just make out a leg and shoe exiting.  The shape on the right is part of
   a bed and a bedside table (have seen enough rooms just like it).  I would
   guess by the arched and lifted body attitude of the man standing that he
   may have just been shot or stabbed in the back.  Just a surmise ....
                                ---===###===---

    From Trina:

   Its two cops with guns drawn in a room (bedroom!) that is obviously under
   camera surveillance.  There is the cop standing with gun drawn, and the
   other is kneeling with gun drawn.  It looks like they are about to go into
   a hallway (first cop), and the other is following.

   I think!
                                ---===###===---

    And from David McCallum:

   The quote is Marion Barry who was later caught on camera buying heroin in
   a sting operation by the police.  I would say that's what the picture is.
   I seem to recall seeing this in Time magazine.
                                ---===###===---

   [If you're wondering what this is all about, it's in the bluehaze archive -
   just go to Click here - Ed]

  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Okay - back to the good ol' type-written stuff now.  This one's from
     Kodak Kate D H (and as Kate put it "... clever, even if it is rude ..."):
                             ----------------------

  I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

* I do physical labour
* I work at great depths
* I work head first
* I do not get RDO's, weekends off or public holidays
* I work in a damp environment
* I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases

   Response from the administration:

  After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,
  the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

* You do not work 8 hours straight
* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team
* You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
* You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
* You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order
  to start working
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
* You don't always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct
  protective outfits
* You don't wait till pension age before retiring
* You don't like working double shifts
* You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the
  day's work
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
  leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     And a typically dry piece from an occasional but regular contributor -
     one Ian Madsen:
                             ----------------------

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while
St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy.

St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says to
the guy, 'You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your
life, but you never did anything really good either.  If you can point to even
one REALLY GOOD DEED-- you're in.'

The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Yeah, there was this one time when I
was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of thugs assaulting this
poor girl.  I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough,
there they were, about 50 of 'em harassing this terrified young woman.

Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and
walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket
and a chain running from his nose to his ear.  As I walked up to the leader,
the thugs formed a circle around me.  So, I ripped the leader's chain off his
face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.  Layed him out.  Then
I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl
alone!  You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals!  Go home before I teach
you all a lesson in pain!''

St. Peter, impressed, says, 'Really?  When did this happen?'

'Oh, about two minutes ago.'
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             And a couple more from Steve [redacted]:
                             ----------------------

Three male mice are sitting at a bar with three shots of tequila arguing about
how tough they are.

The first mouse says, "I'm so tough I break into the cupboard just to eat the
rat poison."  He slams down his tequila and looks at the second mouse.  The
second mouse replies, "That's nothing.  I'm so tough I run through a mouse trap,
grab the cheese, flip onto my back & benchpress the killer springed trapwire."
He slams down his tequila and looks at the third mouse.

The third mouse slams down his tequila, slides off his stool and begins walking
away from the bar.

The other mice yell, "Hey, Softy, where do you think you're going?"

The third mouse replies, "Home to shag the cat."
                                ---===###===---

   ... AND ...

                  TWENTY THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR MEN SAY

1.      I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfu--er.

2.      No, I don't want another beer.  I have to work tomorrow.

3.      Her tits are just too big.

4.      Sometimes I just want to be held.

5.      That chick on "Murder, She Wrote" gives me a woody.

6.      Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.

7.      We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can
        hold your purse.

8.      Fu*k Monday Night Football, let's watch Melrose Place.

9.      It's late.  Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.

10.     Honey, I'm going to the store, do you need more tampons?

11.     I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.

12.     I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.

13.     Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.

14.     I wonder if my gorgeous neighbour knows that her drapes are open
        when she's getting ready for bed?  Maybe I should tell her.

15.     No way, you weeded the garden last week.  It's my turn.

16.     Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines.  I don't look at
        them any more.

17.     This movie has too much nudity.

18.     Damn it - we're late for church!

19.     No, I don't want to see your sister's tits.

20.     Put some panties on, for goodness sake!
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       And another one from Maura McDermott over in the good ol' UK:
                             ----------------------

   ------------------------------------------------------------------------
  |  For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. |
  |                                                                        |
  |    For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning!    |
  |                                                                        |
  |    For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.     |
   ------------------------------------------------------------------------

            From an anonymous mother in Austin, TX (poor woman)

         THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN (HONEST AND NO KIDDING)

1.  A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house
    4 inches deep.

2.  If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
    blades, they can ignite.

3.  A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.  If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
    enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman
    cape.  It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of
    a 20X20 foot room.

5.  You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.  When using
    the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before
    you get a hit.  A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.  The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a
    ceiling fan.

7.  When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.

8.  Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.  A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old
    man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

11. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.

12. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

13. Super glue is forever.

14. No matter how many packets of Jelly Crystals you put in a swimming pool,
    you still can't walk on water.

15. Pool filters do not react well to Jelly Crystals.

16. VCR's do not eject Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches, even though TV
    commercials show they do.

17. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

18. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving.

19. You probably do not want to know what that odour is.

20. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.  Plastic toys do not like
    ovens.

21. The fire department in Austin has a 5 minute response time.

22. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
    It will however make cats dizzy, and cats throw up twice their body weight
    when dizzy.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     And finally for this week - another contribution from Maria Harding:
                             ----------------------

80,000 blondes meet in the Astrodome for a "BLONDES ARE NOT STUPID" convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes
are not stupid.  Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde steps up.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen."

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.  But then the 80,000 blondes
start cheering "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

The leader says, "Well, since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of
you and the worldwide press here, I guess we can give her another chance."

So she asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds, our volunteer says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed and sighs - everyone is disheartened, the blonde
starts crying, and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting,
"Give her another chance, give her another chance."

The leader, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than damage,
eventually says, "Okay, one more chance.  What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four."

Throughout the stadium 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms,
stomp their feet and scream:

"Give her another chance, give her another chance!"
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[ End Fri humour ]




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