Friday humour - June 09, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

      Gidday,
   With this week's lot, a few contributors probably aren't going to remember
   even sending their material in, because about 50% is from the latter part
   of 1998.  There's material from Dave Moors, Caroline (via Jean), Mike Horne,
   Eric Frazer, the Westerly list, Mad Mick, Tim (pics), Jonian (pics),
   Steve Kerrasitis, Dave McCallum, Steve Sanetsis, and Andrew J Urban.

   First off the rank, Dave (EPA) Moors forwarded on this short-ish one:
                               --------------------

In a restroom at IBM's Watson Centre, a supervisor had placed a sign directly
above the sink.  It had a single word on it:

   THINK!

The next day, when the supervisor went to the restroom, he looked at his sign
and, right below (immediately above the soap dispenser), someone had carefully
lettered another sign which read:

   THOAP!
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Now for another contribution from Jean (passed on by Caroline):
                               --------------------

                                    KIWIESE

                        An Introductory Language Lesson
                        -------------------------------

   Have you spent years trying and failing to understand what they're saying?

   Just by following these easy steps, you too can hold a conversation with a
   New Zealander.

   What you hear and What it really means:

A MEDGEN: Visualise, conjure up mentally, also John Lennon's first solo album.

BETTING:  "Betting Gloves" are worn by "Betsmen" in "Crucket"

BRIST:  Part of the human anatomy between the "Nick" and the "Billy"

BUGGER:  As in "Mine is bugger then yours"

CHULLY BUN:  "Chilly Bin" also known as an ESKY.

COME YOUSE: Controversial captain of the Australian Cricket team resigned
tearfully in favour of Allan Border.  "Come" insisted that all deliveries be
overarm.  Full Name: Kimberley John Hughes.

DIMMER KRETZ:  Those who believe in Democracy.

ERROR BUCK: Language spoken in countries like "Surria", "E-Jupp" & Libernon"

EKKA DYMOCKS:  University Staff

GUESS:  Flammable vapour used in stoves

CHICK OUT CHUCKS:  Supermarket point of sale operators.

SENDLES:  Sandals, thongs & open shoes.

COLOUR:  Terminator; violent forecloser of human life.

CUSS:  Kiss

DUCK HID:  Term of abuse directed mainly at Males.

PHAR LAP:  NZ's famous horse christened "Phillip" but was incorrectly
written down as "Phar Lap" by an Australian (Racing official who was
not well versed in KIWIESE)

DUNNESTY: US Television soap opera starred Joan Collins as "Elixirs Kerrungton"

ERROR ROUTE:  Arnott's famous oval shaped "mulk error route buskets"

FITTER CHENEY:  A type of long flat pasta, not to be confused with
"Rugger Tony" or "Tell ya, Tilly".
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Now, this next piece wasn't submitted as a contender for the humour
      list at all, but I found it quite fascinating - you probably will too.
      It arrived from Mike Horne, and as he put it:

      "I feel compelled to send on an email I received from my brother Peter,
       who has returned from 3 weeks in Bhutan.  I find it satisfying to know
       such a place exists ... who knows for how long."  I trust Mike doesn't
       mind me passing it on to you Friday humourites:
                               --------------------

            From Peter, brother of Mike:

            Shangri La is found.

The best way to describe Bhutan is that we're pulling strings to wangle a
job there for a few years.

Tolkien must have lived in Bhutan when he wrote The Hobbit.  Old, old forests
dripping with birds designed by Dali and weird animals that just walk up as if
they're as curious about you as you are about them, gi-normous jagged mountains
around every turn, remote monasteries impossibly perched on cliffsides,
Himalayan vultures and blue sheep, yaks with punk hairdos, Tibetan horns,
smugglers, rhododendrons, magnolias, incense ... a really magical place.

On top of all that - the young Bhutanese I was working with are well educated,
motivated, willing to work in villages at 4500m altitude and 6 days walk from
the road.

Corruption is non existent, and the King is famous for responding to a question
about the economy by saying "I am not so interested in Gross National Product
as Gross National Happiness".

A great place ...

   [Closing comment by Mike: James Hilton (author of "Lost Horizons") would be
    jealous.  Although the paradox of "no corruption" and "smugglers" is
    difficult to reconcile ...]
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


           This next one was just forwarded on by Doc E J F ...
                               --------------------

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"

She said, "Ohh, ... I'd love to be ten again."

So on the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they
went to a theme park.  He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide,
The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear.  Everything there was, she had a go.  She
staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head spinning and her
stomach upside down.

Then into McDonald's they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with
extra fries and a strawberry shake.  Then off to a theatre to see Star Wars,
and more hot dogs, popcorn, drinks and sweets.

At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.  Her
husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

One eye opened and she groaned, "Well, actually ... I meant dress size."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


             And a curious little something from the Westerly list:
                               --------------------

                               TRUTH IS STRANGER ...

In Berlin, just after the 2nd World War, a young woman made the following
report to the police:

She had met a blind man at a rally.  She recorded that they had hit it off
pretty well, and later (as she was leaving) he asked her for a favour:
Could she possibly drop off a letter to the address on the envelope?

As it was on her way home, she agreed.  She started out to deliver the letter,
then turned around to ask the man a question.  To her great surprise, she
spotted him hurrying through the crowd in the opposite direction - without his
dark glasses or white cane.

Sensing something seriously dodgy, she went straight to the police.  They
promptly raided the address on the envelope, where they found heaps of human
flesh for sale.

And what was in the envelope?

A note that read: "This is the last one I'm sending you today."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Now for something puzzling from Mad Mick Esq, Markwick, UK.  His
      covering intro reads: "Just had this corker sent to me.  It's far too
      difficult for the OZes and the Yanks.  I will give you the answer next
      week, but if anybody really wants to cheat, they can Email me direct at
      MichaelRand@markwick17.fsbusiness.co.uk"
                               --------------------

1. There are 5 houses in five different colours.

2. In each house lives a person with a different nationality.

3. These five owners drink a certain type of beverage, smoke a certain brand
   of cigar, and keep a certain pet.

4. No owners have the same pet, smoke the same brand of cigar or drink the
   same beverage.

   The question is: Who owns the fish?

   Hints:

   * the Brit lives in the red house
   * the Swede keeps dogs as pets
   * the Dane drinks tea
   * the green house is on the left of the white house
   * the green house's owner drinks coffee
   * the person who smokes Pall Mall rears birds
   * the owner of the yellow house smokes Dunhill
   * the man living in the centre house drinks milk
   * the Norwegian lives in the first house
   * the man who smokes blends lives next to the one who keeps cats
   * the man who keeps horses lives next to the man who smokes Dunhill
   * the owner who smokes BlueMaster drinks beer
   * the German smokes Prince
   * the Norwegian lives next to the blue house
   * the man who smokes blend has a neighbour who drinks water

Einstein wrote this riddle this century.  He said that 98% of the World could
not solve it.

(Mad Mick took a couple of hours to sort this one.  Therefore the 2% live in
 the UK.    Q.E.D.)
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Some more pictorial humour now.  First, this classic that Tim just
       forwarded - with the accompanying comment:

      "This happened recently in a hangar at Falcon Jet (France).  They
       have a large soap producing machine for washing aircraft.  Someone
       left it on overnight ..."

     Bubble Jet:  Click here

       And here's a couple I just noticed in the Westerly-type vault:

     No breaks:  Click here
     Dogma:      Click here
     Fish:       Click here

       And finally - two more from Jonian over in XRD:

     The perfect man: Click here
     Fortune cookie: Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        The next one floated past on the ol' Westerly list just this week.
        And (as with the piece from Mike's brother), this one is really more
        an interesting anecdote than humour.  So - animal lovers, enjoy:
                               --------------------

                      HAPPY ENDING AFTER A FREEZING FLIGHT

                                                 By Don Phillips
                                                 Washington Post Staff Writer
                                                 Tuesday , June 6, 2000 ; A01

Airliners make unscheduled landings almost every day for sick passengers.  But
a United Airlines cross-country flight was diverted to Denver on Saturday for
a freezing dog.

The flight, United 231 out of Dulles, was about halfway into its four-hour,
45-minute trip to San Jose when an alert United employee discovered that a
baggage handler had goofed.  A dog had been mistakenly loaded into the chilly
forward cargo hold of the Airbus A320 rather than the rear hold, which is
properly heated.  If the dog wasn't dead yet, it could well be soon.

The pilot and his dispatcher made a quick decision.  The plane should land as
soon as possible, and Denver was the best alternative.  But first they had to
tell the owner.

Flight attendants were dispatched to get the unwitting owner, Mike Bell, a
quality-assurance manager for Network Associates Inc. in Santa Clara, Calif.,
who had been visiting his parents, Don and Anna Bell, in Bethesda.  But they
hesitated when they got to his seat: Bell's laptop was open on the tray table,
and the screen saver was a large photo of Dakota, the dog in question, a
10-year-old Basenji.  Bell had raised him from a pup.

The attendants told Bell, 38, that the pilot wanted to see him, and they
escorted him to the front of the plane.  The captain stepped out of the cockpit.
"He indicated he was not sure if my dog had survived to this point," Bell said
in a phone interview yesterday. "However, he was hopeful.  If he was alive,
the dog would not make it to San Jose under these conditions.  So in the best
interest of the dog, he was going to divert the plane and land in Denver."

The captain flipped on the PA system, and the 90 passengers learned of Dakota's
plight. "For the sake of the animal," the captain told them, "we're diverting
to Denver to check on his condition."

According to Bell, no one complained. "Everyone seemed to understand the reason
for the stop,"  Bell said. "For the next 45 to 60 minutes, I sat agonising over
the fate of my dog."

Bell said the flight attendants made every effort to reassure him.  After the
plane landed, it taxied to a gate where a ground crew was standing by to grab
the dog's crate from the cargo hold.

The captain quickly came out of the cockpit to say the ground crew gave a
thumbs-up.  The 40-pound dog was alive.  Bell and the captain then went down to
see Dakota. "He was indeed alive, but very cold from the unheated cargo hold,"
Bell said.

Bell said he took Dakota from the crate and held him while the ground crew
took turns petting him.  He asked if he could carry the dog aboard.  The Denver
supervisor said it was against the rules, but the captain prevailed on the
supervisor to make an exception under the circumstances.

As passengers cheered, Bell triumphantly carried the dog the length of the
airplane to his seat in the rear.  During the flight to San Jose, parents
brought children back to pet him.  It took Dakota about 20 minutes to calm down,
but then, "he slept on the seat next to me for the rest of the way home with
a couple of blankets to get him warned up," Bell said.

Bell said Dakota is an African "barkless" hunting dog.  The Basenji, which means
"bush dog" in Swahili, was bred to flush lions from the bush.  The American
Kennel Club describes the Basenji as "elegant and graceful" with a demeanour of
"poise and inquiring alertness."  The AKC said the dog "should not bark but
is not mute."

Bell, in a phone interview from California, said Dakota seems to have survived
nicely and "is in good spirits."

Travelling pets have been a controversial issue lately.  Reacting to pets left
freezing or sweltering on luggage carts or otherwise mistreated by airlines,
Congress in April passed legislation requiring better training of airline
personnel who handle pets.  Congress also decided that statistics on pet
deaths and incidents will be made public airline by airline.  Partly as a
result, many airlines have decided not to handle pets as baggage over the
summer when most incidents occur.  Some airlines, including American, had
already restricted pets during the summer, and Delta banned pets when the
temperature was above 85 degrees.  Most airlines will handle pets as cargo,
where there are generally better quality controls.

In general, airlines allow seeing-eye dogs and small pets in containers to
be carried aboard planes.  Airlines have differing policies for carrying dogs
as baggage.  Southwest, for example, won't transport pets.  America West allows
only small pets in the passenger cabin in containers.

In Dakota's case, said Joe Hopkins, a spokesman for United, it's likely that
someone in the baggage section at Dulles was reviewing paperwork and saw that
a baggage handler had made a mistake.  Someone at Dulles called the United
Operations Center in suburban Chicago, which then contacted the pilot.

Informed that the dog was allowed in the passenger cabin, Hopkins responded,
"I suppose you're going to ask me if he gets frequent-flier miles, right?"

Bell expressed gratitude to the captain and the rest of the crew, and to
fellow passengers for not complaining about the delay.  But they were rewarded
for their patience.

The flight attendants offered free drinks to everyone and then showed a second
movie: "My Dog Skip."
                           ________________________

   For a picture of the dog, see:
       Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Now, time for another contribution from Steve, son of Tony K:
                             --------------------

                      GOD AND EVE IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.

"Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord - I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of
these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake ... but I'm just not
happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution.  I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits.  He'll lie, cheat,
and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time.  But he'll be bigger,
faster, and will like to hunt and kill things.  He will look silly when he's
aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way
that he will satisfy your physical needs.  He will be witless and will revel in
childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about.  He won't be too smart,
so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.  What's the catch,
Lord?"

"Well ... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring ... So you'll have
to let him believe that I made him first.  Just remember, it's our little
secret - you know ... woman to woman."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       And to keep Lee (and others) grinning, this one from Fifi McCallum:
                               --------------------

A married couple are driving down the interstate doing 85 klicks.  The husband
is behind the wheel.  His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've
been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."  The husband says nothing
but slowly increases speed to 100 kmh.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been
having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet, and he speeds up to 130 kmh as his anger steadily
increases.

She says, "I want the house."  Again the husband speeds up, and now he's doing
140 kmh.

She says, "I want the kids too."  The husband just keeps driving faster and
faster - now he's up to 150 kmh.

She says, "I want the car, the cheque account, and all the credit cards too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says,
"Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies (just before they hit the wall at 170 kmh):

"The airbag."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Getting close to the end now.  And it's back to 1998 again for these -
       firstly, a couple from Steve Sanetsis:

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double
vodkas."

The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back:
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double
vodkas.

The bartender said "Jesus!  Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah.  My wife ..."
                                ---===###===---


     ... and ...

              GREETING CARDS UNSUCCESSFULLY MARKETTED BY HALLMARK

I heard you had herpes ... and I feel terrible ... I'd say "Get well soon" ...
but I know it's incurable.

My tyre was thumping, and I thought it was flat.  When I looked at the tyre,
I found your cat ... Sorry!

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.  But look at the bright
side - she's a really good lay.

Heard your wife left you ... how upset you must be.  But don't fret about her
though ... she's moving in with me.

Your computer is dead ... and it was so alive.  You shouldn't have installed ..
Win'95.

You totalled your car ... and can't remember why.  Maybe it was ... that case
of Bud Dry.

So you lost your job ... it's one of those hardships in life.  Next time,
work harder ... and stay away from the boss's wife.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


          And the final contribution for the week from Andrew J Urban:
                               --------------------

Two nude statues, male and female, had been in this park for years and years.
One day an angel comes down and says to them, "you have been such good statues
through the years, I'm going to bring you both to life for 30 minutes and
you can do anything you want."

The angel does just that ... the statues look at one another and smile shyly
and whisper a few minutes and then head off to the bushes.  There's lots of
giggling, laughing, and bushes rattling ... and they finally come out.

The angel looks at them and winks and says "you still have 15 minutes left."
The statues look at one another and the male says "Let's do it again!"

The female says, "Okay, but this time - YOU hold the pigeon and I'LL shit on
it's head!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Fri humour ]




 Previous (June 02, 2000)  Index Next (June 16, 2000)