Friday humour - June 02, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

       Yo,
    Material this week is mostly recent (as in the last week or two), as posted
    over by Alf (Type-6) Katz, Nestor (Illinois), Jenny (NEC), David (Telstra),
    Maria Harding, Eric, Jonian, Lee, Kate DH, and Jean.

    So, mostly short pieces as you may gather from that list!  First up - ARJK:
                            ----------------------

Three beggars are begging in New York City.  The first one wrote "beggar" on
his broken steel cup and he received ten dollars after one day.

The second one wrote "beggar.com" on his cup and after one day, he received
hundreds of thousands of dollars.  Someone even wanted to take him to NASDAQ.

The third one wrote "e-beg" on his cup.  Lucent, IBM and HP sent corporate
vice-presidents to talk to him about a strategic alliance and offered him free
hardware and professional consulting.  In addition, Larry Ellison claimed on
CNBC that e-beg uses 95% Oracle technology and i2 announced begTradeMatrix, a
b2b industry portal offering supply chain integration in the beggar community.
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         Next - this one from Nestor on the various stages of ...
                            ----------------------

                            LOVE, LUST AND MARRIAGE

LOVE:     When you take a bubble bath together.
LUST:     When you take a bath in Jell-O together.
MARRIAGE: When you give the kids a bath.

LOVE:     A romantic candlelight dinner for two.
LUST:     "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
MARRIAGE: Four Happy Meals ... to go.

LOVE:     Giving your love some candy.
LUST:     Thinking you are the candy.
MARRIAGE: Scraping toffee off the carpet.

LOVE:     A night out at the symphony.
LUST:     A night out at the drive in.
MARRIAGE: A night out at Sesame Street on Ice.

LOVE:     Aroma - French Perfume.
LUST:     Aroma - Brut after-shave.
MARRIAGE: Aroma - "The baby needs changing...."

LOVE:     Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold.
LUST:     "I can think of a way to stay warm...."
MARRIAGE: Your teenager just took your jacket.

LOVE:     Talking and cuddling.
LUST:     Basically no talking or cuddling.
MARRIAGE: Getting up to take care of your sick kid puking.

LOVE:     Long drives through the countryside.
LUST:     Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout.
MARRIAGE: Long drives with the kids screaming in the back-seat.

LOVE:     Sex every night.
LUST:     Sex 5 times a night.
MARRIAGE: Sex ???
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       Okay - over to NEC now and this contribution from Jenny:
                            ----------------------

In a landmark decision, the Australian Commercial Practices Court today ruled
that Toyota is no longer allowed to run its advertising campaign based on
the word "Bugger".  Explained Court spokesman Loof Lirpa,

"Some time ago Microsoft took out an injunction against the use of the word
'Bugger' in Toyota's ad.  It was argued that 'Bugger' had been associated with
Windows far longer and far more deeply than with Toyota's utes."  Lirpa went
on to suggest that every Windows user in the world uses the word at least
once a day as a direct result of using Windows. "No other product has ever
achieved that degree of market recognition and for Toyota to muscle in on
it was clearly a breach of commercial etiquette and, ipso facto, copyright."

Microsoft is now planning a media-wide campaign using their catch-word.  A copy
that has been leaked to us shows several familiar faces:-

Steven King is shown saving the last page of his new 800 page blockbuster in
Word and then re-opening it to find that it has been reduced to three smiley
faces and half a dozen Japanese characters.  He smiles wanly at the camera
and says "......"

Kerry Packer is shown shaking his head knowingly and muttering "....." when
he discovers that the spreadsheet on which he based his latest $4 billion
takeover has suffered from the notorious Excel "four sevens are thirty six"
feature and that the Ayer's Rock Hot Pie Company is somewhat overvalued.

The head of the CIA (with his faced pixillated) is shown shouting "....." on
finding that Outlook has just e-mailed the entire contents of his hard drive
to the head of the KGB.  She, in turn, says "byugyah" when the file is found
to be in last year's Access format.

A spokesthing for Microsoft commented, "This is a logical move for the
company that used "You make a grown man cry" and "The damned and accursed are
convicted to the flames of Hell" as advertising slogans for its software.  We
anticipate establishing the slogan in the marketplace by including a
t-shirt printed with "Bugger Microsoft" in every box of our software."
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        Now to something a little more serious for most of us - this one from
        David over at Telstra is all about money:
                            ----------------------

    AAP Reuters SYDNEY, Friday:

The Australian dollar has continued its slide against the US Dollar and the
Pound Sterling.  The dollar reached historic lows mid-week, dropping below 60
Australian cents to the greenback.  An Australian dollar now buys one green
frog and half a Redskin in the United Kingdom.

Since the beginning of last week, many currency transaction bureaux in France
and Germany have been turning away Australian backpackers who have wheelbarrows
full of their useless home currency, desperate to change it before its value
declines even further.

The drop in the dollar has also had a dramatic impact on Australian tourism,
making the cost of travel prohibitively expensive and making many people cancel
their travel plans.  In an early response to the situation, American Express
has modified its advertising campaign, shortening its slogan specifically
for the Australian market.  It now simply reads "Don't leave home".

But the new rates have made Australia an increasingly attractive destination
for tourists from the UK and US.  Speaking from her palatial suite at a
harbour-side hotel in Sydney, Shayla Mohr, a single mother from Idaho on
welfare, agreed that the beneficial exchange rates played a major part in
her decision to travel to Australia. "My food stamps don't go very far at
all back home" said Ms Mohr, "So I decided to cash them in a have a trip
to Australia.  My last dole cheque has funded three weeks here and I've
been having a ball.  You guys have such cute little money".

Despite the decline against the major currencies, the Aussie dollar did rally
against some minor currencies in late trading on Friday.  The dollar posted
gains against the Phillipine peso, the Malaysian ringgit and the Pakistani
rupee before markets closed.

The dollar also made some late gains against Monopoly Money.  One Australian
dollar now buys 36 Monopoly cents, a rate which has caused difficulties
because there are no cents in Monopoly.  But major owners of Monopoly Money,
such as Microsoft's Bill Gates, have refused to trade their cash for Australian
currency, dismissing the dollar as "pretend money".

In other developments, the United Nations Human Rights Committee has issued a
critical report against Monopoly, damning its "harsh mandatory sentencing laws"
under which people can be forced to go directly to gaol without passing go and
without collecting $200.
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         This brief piece was passed on by the indomitable Maria Harding:
                            ----------------------

A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem you see,
only you've got to promise not to laugh."

The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly
unprofessional.  In over twenty years of being a doctor I've never laughed at
a patient."

"OK then," says the man, and he drops his trousers.  The doctor is greeted
by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life.

Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor.  Ten minutes
later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes.

"I'm so sorry," he says to the patient, "I don't know what came over me,
I won't let it happen again.  Now - what seems to be the problem?"

The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says, "It's swollen."
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          Now for another contribution from Doc Eric J Frazer:
                            ----------------------

                  STANDARD PIPE AND FITTING SPECIFICATION

    (If in doubt, interpret to your own advantage.)

1.  All piping to consist of a long hole surrounded by a minimum of 6mm of
    metal, which is to be concentric with the hole.

2.  Pipes must be hollow throughout total length.

3.  Each pipe must be of very best quality, extremely black tubing, and
    perfectly tubular or pipular.  Acid-proof piping to be made of acid-
    proof metal, e.g.  platinum, etc.

4.  Pipes must be supplied minus water, steam, or pulp, these being fitted
    inside pipes at a later date by our man-on-the-job.  Similarly, all
    pipes must be supplied without rust, as this is more cheaply supplied
    after handing over.

5.  All castings to be of very best quality battleship grey iron, close-
    grained closer than a brother, or someone else's sister, and at
    least as malleable.

6.  Casting must be free from blow-holes, air pockets, cavities, lumps,
    bumps, carbuncles, pock-marks, pin-pricks, honey-combing, hives, and
    bee's manure.

7.  If you can think of any other defects - we don't want them either.

8.  Flanges must have holes for bolts, the holes being quite separate
    from the big hole in the middle.  If the flange is a blank one, the
    big hole in the middle must be filled up with metal.

9.  All bolts must be screwed to a certain extent.

10. No bolts to be rivets.

11. Gaskets are to be supplied to fill up the space between flanges.

12. The outside of all piping to be cleaned free of all protective
    coverings , such as barnacles, greenfly, spanishfly, and pigeon
    droppings.  This is necessary because we think it is necessary.

13. If diminutive fittings be packed in sacks, these self-same sacks
    must be whole and sound and vice versa (viz. sound and whole).
    Paper bags, wind bags, handbags, and Oxford bags will not be
    tolerated.  No sacks to be cossacks or footsacks.

14. Pipes over 200 metres long to have the words "Long Pipe" clearly
    printed on each end for the benefit of the Railway Authorities.

15. For pipes over 3 kilometres long, these words should also be printed at
    the middle of the pipes.  This is so that the aforesaid Railway
    Authorities need not have to walk the full length of the pipe to
    ascertain whether it is a long pipe or not.

16. All "Closers" to be open at each end.
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        And a great swag of images this week - courtesy of Jonian in XRD.
        I can let you see a couple, perhaps (:-) ...

   Christmas Flight: Click here
   Bears: Click here
   Ears: Click here
   Ladies golf: Click here
   Manogram: Click here

     ************************************************************************
     *  Now - DANGER WILL ROBINSON ... (much waving of ringed metal arms) - *
     *  this next one's a trifle lewd and also a bit lascivious, so ...     *
     *  please DON'T click on it if your grandmother's in the room.         *
     ************************************************************************

   Indian flute: Click here

        And last but not least, this one from our Westerly list (same
        comment applies - somewhat R-rated):

   Interesting Patent: Click here
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       Here's a couple of ASCII ones from Jonian now - first one's short:
                            ----------------------

A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church and sat down in a confession
box, saying nothing.

The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man
said nothing.

The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get
the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replied, "No use knockin', mate - there's no paper in this
one either."
                            ----====####====----


       And for those of you who just love psychological tests ...
                            ----------------------

                            PSYCHOANALYSE YOURSELF

    NO CHEATING - that will take all the fun out of it ... !

This is a very interesting test.  Try it.  Have a pen and paper handy before
you read any further.  As soon as you read a question, write the answer right
away.  Make sure to answer questions 1-10 before moving on ... NO CHEATING!!

Read the following questions, imagining the scenes in your mind, and write
down the FIRST thing that you visualise.  Do not think about the questions
excessively.

1.  You are not alone.  You are walking in the woods.  Who are you walking with?

2.  You are walking in the woods.  You see an animal.  What kind of animal
    is it?

3.  What interaction takes place between you and the animal?

4.  You walk deeper in the woods.  You enter a clearing and before you is your
    dream house.  Describe its size?

5.  Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?

6.  You enter the house.  You walk to the dining area and see the dining room
    table.  Describe what you see on AND around the table.

7.  You exit the house through the back door.  Lying in the grass is a cup.
    What material is the cup made of?

8.  What do you do with the cup?

9.  You walk to the edge of the property, where you find yourself standing at
    the edge of a body of water.  What type of body of water is it?

10. How will you cross the water?

                         ================================

This has been a relational psychology test.  The answers given to the questions
have been shown to have a relevance to values and ideals that we hold in our
personal lives.  The analysis:


1.  The person who you are walking with is the most important person in
    your life.

2.  The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size
    of your problems.

3.  The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative
    of how you deal with your problems (passive/aggressive).

4.  The size of your dream house is representative of the size of your ambition
    to resolve your problems.

5.  No fence is indicative of an open personality.  People are welcome at all
    times.  The presence of a fence indicates a closed personality.  You'd
    prefer people not to drop by unannounced.

6.  If your answer did not include food, people, or flowers, then you are
    generally unhappy.

7.  The durability of the material with which the cup is made of is
    representative of the perceived durability of your relationship with the
    person named in number 1.  For example, styrofoam, plastic, and paper are
    all disposable, styrofoam, paper and glass are not durable, and metal
    and plastic are durable.

8.  Your disposition of the cup is representative of your attitude towards
    the person in number 1.

9.  The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your
    sexual desire.

10. How wet you get in crossing the water is indicative of the relative
    importance of your sex life.
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       Now for something from another ex-CSIRO (now Melb Uni) person in the
       form of one Lee McRae:
                            ----------------------

                                    WOMEN

Women have strengths that amaze men.  They carry children, they carry hardships,
they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.  They sing when they want to cry.  They
cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.

Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend after a snowy
drive home.  They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home
mums, biker babes, and your neighbours.  They wear suits, jeans, and they wear
uniforms.  They fight for what they believe in.  They stand up for injustice.

They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right schools
and for getting their family the right health care.  They go to the doctor
with a frightened friend.

Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving.  They are smart, knowing that knowledge
is power.  But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.

Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.  They have sorrow at the loss of a
family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.  Women come in all sizes,
in all colours and shapes.  They live in homes, flats, and cabins.  They
drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!  Women do more than just
give birth.  They bring joy and hope.  They give compassion and ideals.  They
give moral support to their family and friends.  And all they want back is
a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

MEN:

Men are good at lifting heavy stuff.
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              And for the penultimate piece this week - something short and
              to the point from Kodak Kate D H ...
                            ----------------------

                       Ten Things Men Know About Women


1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10. They have tits.
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       Now, last but certainly not least for the week, it's over now to Jean
       and this advice (forwarded on by daughter Caroline):
                            ----------------------

                        TEN REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED

10. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your arse in here by 8:00!"

9.  Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to improve your tan.

8.  Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.

7.  "I'd love to chip in, but I've left my wallet in my pants."

6.  To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5.  You want to see if it's like the dream.

4.  So that -- with a little help from Muzak -- you can add "Exotic Dancer"
    to your exaggerated resume.

3.  Splattering grease from deep fryer is really hard to get out of your
    uniform.

2.  People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

1.  Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.
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[ End Friday humour ]




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