Friday humour - May 26, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

      Yo,
   Now, do you really have time to read this?  No?  Well, at least you're
   honest.  That's okay - I haven't got time to write it either.  Well,
   see you next week, then?

   Argh - what the heck, let's keep going anyway - there's some good stuff
   this week from David McCallum, David Magnay, Julian Johnson, Matthew
   Greene, the Westerly mob, Mike Horne, and Steve Kerassitis.  And a couple
   of classic pictures too.  But first - this one from David McCallum:
                             -------------------

                             MIS-HEARD SONG LYRICS

Slow walking Walter, the fire engine guy?
("Smoke on the water, fire in the sky" - from Deep Purple's Smoke on the Water)

Well since she put me down, there've been owls puking in my bed?
("Well since she put me down I've been out doing in my head" - from Beach
  Boys song Help Me Rhonda)

There's a bathroom on the right, there's a baboon on the rise?
("There's a bad moon on the rise" - from CCR song Bad Moon Rising)

The ants are my friends, they're blowing in the wind?
("The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind" - from Dylan's Blowing In The
  Wind)

Cool cat looking for a titty?
("Cool cat looking for a kitty" - from Lovin' Spoonful song Summer in the City)

Only baloney?
("Only the lonely" - from Roy Orbison's Only the Lonely)

Virginia, don't levitate?
("Virginia don't let me wait" - from Billy Joel's Only the Good Die Young)

She's got the waist movement?
("She's got the ways to move me" - from Neil Diamond's Cherry, Cherry)

You've got to help me, Rhonda - help me get her out of my car?
("You've got to help me Rhonda, help me get her out of my heart" - from the
  Beach Boy's Help me Rhonda)

Baking carrot biscuits, tape it to a biscuit?
("Taking care of business" - from Bachman Turner Overdrive's Taking Care of
  Business)

Bald-headed woman
("More than a woman" - from the Bee Gee's More Than a Woman)
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


       This one was posted across for your ASCII-viewing pleasure by David
       at Telstra, who received it in turn from a character by the name of
       Tom Burns (whom we haven't heard from for 8 or 9 months now).  It
       goes something like this ...
                             -------------------

                    25 RULES THAT GUYS WISHED WOMEN KNEW

1.  If you think you're fat, you probably are.  Don't ask us.

2.  Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up put it down.

3.  Don't cut your hair.  Ever.

4.  Sometimes, we're not thinking about you.  Live with it.

5.  Get rid of your cat.

6.  Sunday = Sports.

7.  Anything you wear is fine.  Really.

8.  Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain
    about having their boobs stared at.

9.  You have too many shoes.

10. Crying is blackmail.

11. Ask for what you want.  Subtle hints don't work.

12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

13. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than pissing from point blank
    range.  We're bound to miss sometimes.

14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.  See a doctor.

16. Don't fake it.  We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
    act like soap opera guys.

19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
    makes you sad and angry - we meant the other one.

20. Let us ogle.  If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty
    you are?

21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not
    both.

23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

24. You have enough clothes.

25. Nothing says "I love you" like sex.
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Julian wants to compete with Kodak Kate for the all-time shortest:
                             -------------------

A women walks into a chemist and asks the guy behind the counter, "Do you have
cotton balls?"

He looks at her and replies "What do you think I am?  A fucking teddy-bear?"
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


      The original source of this next one is "The Cameron Column" - Click here

      =============================================
      The Cameron Column, A Free Internet Newsletter

      Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 1998

      To subscribe, send a message to
      majordomo@cwe.com with the words "subscribe
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      your message.
      =============================================


      Originally passed on from our Westerly list - the ten rules ...
                             -------------------

                TEN SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER.

RULE ONE: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering
a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

RULE TWO: You do not touch my daughter in front of me.  You may glance at her,
so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.  If you cannot keep
your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

RULE THREE: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age
to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.

Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are
complete idiots.  Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue,
so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear
showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.  However,
in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the
course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and
fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

RULE FOUR: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you.  Let me elaborate,
when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

RULE FIVE: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.
Please do not do this.  The only information I require from you is an
indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house,
and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

RULE SIX: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
date other girls.  This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to
date no one but her until she is finished with you.  If you make her cry,
I will make you cry.

RULE SEVEN: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.  If you want to be on
time for the movie, you should not be dating.  My daughter is putting on her
makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like
changing the oil in my car?

RULE EIGHT: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a
wooden stool.  Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within
eyesight.  Places where there is darkness.  Places where there is dancing,
holding hands, or happiness.  Places where the ambient temperature is warm
enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts,
or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped
up to her throat.  Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be
avoided.  Movies that feature chain saws are okay.  Hockey games are okay.
Old folk's homes are better.

RULE NINE: Do not lie to me.  I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dimwitted has-been.  But on issues relating to my daughter, I
am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe.  If I ask you where you
are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth.  I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres
behind the house.  Do not trifle with me.

RULE TEN: Be afraid.  Be very afraid.  It takes very little for me to mistake
the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice
paddy near Hanoi.  When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head
frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter
home.  As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with
both hands in plain sight.  Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear
voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return
to your car.  There is no need for you to come inside.  The camouflaged face
at the window is mine.
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Actually, this next one's from out West too - a short, cute one:
                             -------------------

A man lived on his own and he felt a bit lonely, so he went to the pet shop to
get something to keep him company.  The pet shop owner suggested an unusual
pet, a talking millipede.  OK, thought the man, I'll give it a go, so he bought
one and took it home.

That night he decided to test out his new pet, so he opened the box and said,
"I'm going to the pub for a drink, do you want to come too?"  But there was
no reply.

He tried again, "Oi - Milli, yer wanna come to the boozer with me?"

Again, no response.

So the man ranted and raved for a bit, but after a while decided to give it
one more try before he took the thing back to the shop.

So he took the lid off the box and repeated, "I said I'm going to the pub
for a drink.  Do you wanna come or not?"

"Arrgh, for heavens sake - I heard you the first time" snapped the millipede.
"I'm still putting my shoes on!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Now for one that was forwarded on by Matthew Greene over at CUB:
                             -------------------

                  STILL MORE WAYS TO CALL SOMEONE STUPID

A few clowns short of a circus

An experiment in artificial stupidity

Dumber than a box of hair

A few peas short of a casserole

A few feathers short of a whole duck

The cheese slid off his cracker

Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt

WARNING: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel

He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down

An intellect rivalled only by garden tools

Smart as bait

Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor

Forgot to pay his brain bill

Sewing machine's out of thread

Antenna doesn't pick up all the channels

His belt doesn't go through all the loops

If he had another brain it'd be lonely

Proof that evolution can go in reverse

Receiver's off the hook

Sky light leaks a little

Too much yardage between the goal posts
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Okay - here's some pictorial humour.  First up, one from Mike Horne:

    Road Signs:  Click here

       And another amusing shot just turned up by Emma Booth (fairly large -
       about 20 seconds to load):

    Pepsi:  Click here

       And a couple just forwarded on by Steve Kerassitis:

    Miss NZ:  Click here
    Honest:   Click here

       I've deliberately left the best for last this week.  We had some press
       people from "The Australian" out last week to see what we were up to
       with our "Telepresence" remote-microscopy system.  Colin dutifully
       sat in front of the instrument, the flashes went off, the interview was
       conducted, and they left.  The story was published this week (you can
       click below if you didn't see it - about 20 seconds to load):

    Telepresence:   Click here

       The following day, they ran a story on another IT topic, and the people
       over at The Australian figured "That shot from yesterday had some
       computers in it - just include that."  So this is what Australia saw:

    Other IT news:  Click here

       I'd really love to say more, but Colin's my boss ...   :-)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Okay - another one from the Westerly-type list (I was sure that we'd
       had this one before, but a search didn't bring it up, so here goes):
                             -------------------

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.  They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could
move apart and then slide back together again.  The boy asked, "What is this,
Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen
anything like this in my life.  I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady
in a wheel-chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.  The
walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.  The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above
the walls light up sequentially.  They continued to watch until it reached
the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde
woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,
"Go get your Mother."
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Here's one that was forwarded on by both Mike Horne and Russell
      (long-life gel-cell) Newnham:
                             -------------------

    In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
    Do something she likes, and you get points.  Do something she dislikes
    and points are subtracted.  You don't get any points for doing something
    she expects.  Sorry, but that's just the way the game is played.

    So here's your guide to the point system.

    BTW - if the score values below are all over the screen, that's because
    you're using a "proportional font" instead of a fixed font such as Courier.
    (It also means that many other emails you receive must look pretty weird)

      Simple Duties
      -------------

You make the bed                                                     +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows            0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets                          -1
You leave the toilet seat up                                         -5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty                    0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex          -1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom                  -2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings            +5
In the snow!                                                         +8
But return with beer                                                 -5
Return with beer, AND no liners                                     -25
You check out a suspicious noise at night                             0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing                    0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something                 +5
You pummel it with a six iron                                       +10
It was her cat                                                      -40

      Social Engagements
      ------------------

Party:

You stay by her side the entire party                                 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with
a Uni drinking mate                                                  -2
Named Tiffany                                                        -4
Tiffany is a dancer                                                  -6
With breast implants                                                -18

Her Birthday:

You take her out to dinner                                            0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar                 +1
Okay, it IS a sports bar                                             -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night                                       -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colours of your favourite team                          -10

A Night Out With the Boys:

Go with a pal                                                        -5
The pal is happily married                                           -4
Or frighteningly single                                              -7
And he drives a Mustang                                             -10
With a personalised license plate (GR8 N BED)                       -15

A Night Out:

You take her to a movie                                              +2
You take her to a movie she likes                                    +4
You take her to a movie you hate                                     +6
You take her to a movie you like                                     -2
It's called DeathCop 3                                               -3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans                               -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans               -15

Your Physique:

You develop a noticeable potbelly                                   -15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it     +10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts                                               -30
You say, "It doesn't matter - you have one too"                    -800

The Big Question - she asks, "Do I look fat?"

You hesitate in responding                                          -10
You reply, "Where?"                                                 -35
Any other response                                                  -20

Communication - when she wants to talk about a problem:

You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression         0
You listen, for over 30 minutes                                      +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV      +100
She realises this is because you have fallen asleep                -200
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


        And another contribution from David (Fifi) McCallum:
                             -------------------

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.

Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad!  How's the golf?"

Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I
think I've got that right now."

Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to
stop playing for a while and not think about it.  Then, the next time I play,
it seems to be all right.

Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?"

Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

And Woods says: "But, you're blind.  How can you play golf if you're blind?"

Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call
to me.  I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him.
Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or
farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call
to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Woods asks: "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for
money, and never play for less than $100,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that.  When would you like
to play?"

Stevie says, "Any night that suits you."
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


        And the lucky last for this week of quite randomly selected
        nonsense comes from Steve Kerassitis:

             A LETTER FROM TASMANIAN MUM TO HER TASMANIAN SON

   Dear Son,

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.  We don't
live where we did when you left home.  Your dad read in the newspaper that
most accidents happen within 20 K's from your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last Tasmanian family that
lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to
change their address This place is really nice.  It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure it works so well though, last week I put a load in and pulled
the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here.  It only rained twice last week; the first time
for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would
be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and
put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car the other day and we were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.  Your sister had
a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know
if your an aunt or an uncle.  The baby looks just like your brother...

Uncle Ted fell in a whisky vat last week.  Some men tried to pull him out, but
he fought them off playfully and drowned.  We had him cremated and he burned
for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a ute.  Ralph driving.  He rolled
down the window and swam to safety.  Your other two friends were in the back.
They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

    Love,

       Mum
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]





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