Friday humour - May 19, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

        And gidday,
   Lots more stuff again for this week - there are contributions from David
   McCallum, Evie Popas, the westerly list, Bob Flann, Eric Frazer, Martha
   Hills, and (collectively) Kate DH and Russell MacKinnon.  Oh yes - and
   a cupla pictures (further on below).

   First up - here's one of the smaller David McCallum contributions:

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for some advice about breast

He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, just rub the top of
your nipples and say, "Scooby dooby doobies - I want bigger boobies!"

She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked!
She grew great boobs!  But then, one morning she was running late, and she
was on the bus when she realised she'd forgotten her morning ritual.

At this point, she really loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them,
so she got up right in the middle of the bus and said,
"Scooby dooby doobies - I want BIGGER boobies!"

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"

"Hickory dickory dock ..."

      This next one wasn't a "contribution" as such - it just floated past
      on one of our official CSIRO mailing lists.  So, theoretically, I
      shouldn't really be passing it on - but what the heck ...

          Lonely Bachelor Admits He Created 'I WUV YOU' virus.

THE COUNTRYSIDE - Cartoon bachelor and avid rabbit hunter Elmer Fudd is in
custody today following a late-night raid of his rural home by ACME-county
sheriff's deputies. Reacting to an anonymous tip, authorities served
a search warrant at Fudd's home just after 11:30pm, arresting Fudd and
seizing computers and software believed to have been used in the creation
of the widespread 'I WUV YOU' virus.

"I just wanted to finally catch that wascally wabbit," said Fudd as he was
escorted to a waiting patrol car. "Kill de wabbit!"

The virus - which arrives in users' mailboxes with the subject line 'I WUV
YOU' and includes a self-spawning attachment labelled 'VEWY, VEWY QUIET' -
was launched early last week and has so far attacked an estimated 30 million
computers worldwide, causing upwards of $15 billion in damages. When opened,
the attachment activates hidden code in the Windows operating system and
rapidly displays a series of deceptively pleasant wildlife images, lulling
unsuspecting users to believe it's actually 'wabbit season'.

Authorities initially suspected the notorious Wile E. Coyote of unleashing
the virus, but were forced to vindicate the hapless desert hunter when
his own computer - an ACME 9000 SuperThinker - was infected, resulting in
miscalculations that ultimately led to Wile E. being hit by a train.

At the request of ACME authorities, the FBI has joined the search for
collaborators in the scheme. While Fudd adamantly denies working with
anyone else, his long-running inability to capture Bugs Bunny and his
known association with Bugs' archrival, Daffy Duck, have created a cloud
of suspicion over the crazy black duck. Despite investigators' assurances
that Daffy is wanted only for questioning at this point, officials remain
unable to locate him and are asking for public assistance.

"We've been aware for quite some time now of the antagonistic relationship
between Bugs and Daffy," said FBI director Louis Freeh. "Given Mr. Fudd's
interest in capturing Bugs, and Daffy's over-zealous interest in bringing
harm to the bunny, we have sufficient circumstantial evidence to bring
Daffy in for questioning."

Antivirus giants McAfee and Symantec claim to have developed an update
that will successfully remove the 'I WUV YOU' virus from infected machines,
but warn users to expect significant download delays due to intense demand
for the software.

"I want to assure the public that we will get to the bottom of this," added
Freeh. "There's no room in the cartoon kingdom for this kind of malicious
technological mischief."

Preemptively squelching dangerous rumours, Freeh also confirmed that it is,
in fact, duck season.

Bugs Bunny, who is evidently burrowing his way to Cleveland, was unavailable
for comment.

        And on the same topic - hot off our way-out westerly-type list ...

     For those of you who weren't concerned about the I LOVE YOU virus (and
     let's see how many email filters that trips off), we can now offer:

                         THE HONOUR SYSTEM VIRUS

              === This virus works on the honour system ====

     If you are running a Macintosh, OS/2, or any Unix or Linux computer,
     please randomly delete several files from your hard disk drive and then
     forward this message to everyone you know.

      Next - a recent one passed on by Evie (SQL/ASP/HTML/XML & etc) Popas:

                             GOOD, BAD AND UGLY

      Good:     Your wife is pregnant.
      Bad:      It's triplets
      Ugly:     You had a vasectomy five years ago.

      Good:     Your wife's not talking to you
      Bad:      She wants a divorce
      Ugly:     She's a lawyer

      Good:     Your son is finally maturing
      Bad:      He's involved with the woman next door
      Ugly:     So are you

      Good:     Your son studies a lot in his room
      Bad:      You find several porn movies hidden there
      Ugly:     You're in them

      Good:     Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
      Bad:      You can't find your birth control pills
      Ugly:     Your daughter borrowed them

      Good:     Your husband understands fashion
      Bad:      He's a cross-dresser
      Ugly:     He looks better than you

      Good:     You give the "birds and bees:" talk to your daughter
      Bad:      She keeps interrupting
      Ugly:     With corrections

      Good:     The postman's early
      Bad:      He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
      Ugly:     You gave him nothing for Christmas

      Good:     You son is dating someone new
      Bad:      It's another man
      Ugly:     He's your best friend

      Good:     Your daughter got a new job
      Bad:      As a hooker
      Ugly:     Your coworkers are her best clients
      Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

     Okay - to a cupla pictures now.  First one was passed on by Emma Booth:

   Hands Free: Click here

     This one from Paul Fazey (about 15 seconds to load):

   The Latest: Click here

     And finally - this one from Steve [redacted].  We have actually had
     these quotes in an earlier Friday humour in textual form, but having
     a pictorial version is interesting.  Fairly large file:

   Famous quotes: Click here

     Although if anyone can tell me what the 2nd-last picture is supposed to
     be about, I'd be most interested.  If you're really patient, the original
     large-format version of this can be viewed via:

   FQ (large format): Click here


     Okay - now to this one from the [bearded] Robert (more often Bob) Flann:

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the
river.  He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready
to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back
up.  "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and
says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I did not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time,
brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man - have you
found Jesus YET?"

The old drunk gasps and splutters, wipes his eyes and says to the preacher,
"Are you SURE this is where he fell in?"

     Dr Frazer (also known as Eric of the coffee pen) sent these in some
     time back, and as a small collection, I am somewhat loathe to split
     them - so here we go:

My son Mitchell, now at kindergarten, practices spelling with magnetic letters
on the refrigerator: "cat, dog, dad, and mum" have been proudly displayed for
all to see.

One morning, while getting ready for the day, Mitchell bounded into the room
with his arms outstretched.  In his hands were three magnetic letters:

"Look what I spelled, Mum!" Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his face.

"That's wonderful!" I praised him.  "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad
can see when he gets home tonight." ("That religious education is certainly
having an impact", I thought happily).

Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mum?  How do you spell

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.  They discussed
the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now
she can't see very well.  So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites
the entire Bible.  It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him.
Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks. "Milton,"
she said, "the house you built is so huge.  I live only in one room, but
I have to clean the whole house.

"Gerald," she said, "I am too old to travel.  I stay most of the time at
home so I rarely use the Mercedes.  And that driver is so rude!  He's a pain!"

"But Donald," she said, "the little chicken you sent was delicious!"

A sad Bassett Hound was telling his troubles to his friend. "I'm depressed.
I think negative thoughts.  I'm always bored and always tired."

"Why not go see a psychiatrist?" suggested the friend.

"Well, I would," said the Bassett Hound, "except that I'm not allowed on
the couch."

   Next one was passed on by both Kodak-Kate and Russell (PC-Walla) MacKinnon:

Most Middle Eastern countries recognise the following Islamic law: "After
having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh."
(Umm ... okay, I'm sure the lamb appreciates that one)

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals
must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable
by death. (Okay, well THAT makes sense ... )

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is
forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only
see their reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies
to undertakers; the sex organs of the decease must be covered with a brick
or piece of wood at all times.  (a brick - WTF ??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.  (Wonder how they
enforce THAT one??)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and
deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the
first time.
    Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Now let's just think for a minute ... is there any job anywhere else in the
world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.  (The husband's lover,
on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical
fish stores.  (Oh - of course (!??))

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first
time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(I shudder at the thought)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
and her daughter at the same time.  (Could one reasonably presume that this
was a sufficiently big problem that they had to pass this as a LAW??)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one
exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in
places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

      Now for some clean humour from David McCallum - the original subject
      for this one was "Completely Useless Info":

Pearls melt in vinegar.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already

The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser -
in that order.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs ... but not downstairs.

Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their

Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.

The aircraft which crashed and killed Buddy Holly was called "American
Pie."  (Hence the name of the Don McLean song.)

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David;
Clubs - Alexander the Great;
Hearts - Charlemagne;
Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.  (Oh NO!)

If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the
top and sinking to the bottom.

Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating.

The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of
humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.

Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."

The Eisenhower interstate highway system in the USA requires that one mile in
every five must be straight. These straight sections are designed to be
useable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20

         Now to a contribution from our ol' westerly list:

This is a real letter that somebody posted to the Taxation office in IRELAND
explaining why he (or she) had not paid Tax for several years.

It's alleged to be the actual text of the letter received by the Revenue
Commissioners from a Co. Longford, Eire farmer in reply to an income
tax demand.

   Dear Sirs,

Your letter arrived this morning in an open envelope and it would have given
the son and myself pleasure had it not revived in us a melancholy reflection
of what has gone before. You say you thought the account could have been
settled long ago, and you could not understand why it hadn't.

Well, here are the reasons:

In 1987 I purchased a hay shed on credit.

In 1988 I bought a combine harvester, a manure spreader, two horses, a double
barrel shifter, two cows and ten razorback pigs, also on credit.

In 1989 the bloody hay shed burnt to the ground leaving not a damn thing. I got
no insurance either as the bloody premium had lapsed. One of the horses went
lame and I loaned the other one to my brother who starved the poor bugger to

In 1990 my father died and my brother was put away when he tried to marry
one of his sheep named Hilda. A knacker got my daughter pregnant and I had
to pay him a grand to stop him becoming one of my relatives.

In 1991 my son got the mumps which spread to his balls and he had to be
castrated to save his life. Later in the year I went fishing on the Shannon
and the bloody boat overturned, drowning two of my sons, neither being the
bloody eunuch who was by now wearing his sisters make-up and dresses. Not
long after he emigrated to America with the new parish priest. They are now
married and trying for children.

In 1992 my wife ran away with a pig jobber from Drumlish and left me with
newborn twins as a souvenir and I had to get a housekeeper, so I married
her to keep down expenses. I had a hell of a job getting her pregnant
(to qualify for more children's allowance). I went to see the doctor. He
advised me to create some excitement at the crucial moment, so that night I
brought my shotgun to bed and when I thought the moment was right I leaned
out of bed and shot both barrels through the window. The wife shit the bed,
I ruptured myself, and the next morning I found I had blown both doors off
the barn, shot my best dairy cow and killed the bloody knacker who was in
the hay loft with my daughter trying to get more money out of me, which he
did because I had to pay for the bastard's funeral expenses.

The next year, 1993, someone cut the balls off my prize bull, poisoned the
water, and set fire to the house. I was bollixed and took to the drink and
did not stop until all I had left was a pocket watch and a weak bladder.
Winding the watch and running for a piss kept me busy for a time.

This year I took heart again and bought (on the hire purchase) a bulldozer,
tractor and trailer and a new bull. Then the Shannon flooded and washed the
bloody lot away, my second wife got V.D. from a land inspector and my last
surviving son died from wiping his arse on a poisoned rabbit. I had put
down four dogs who were worrying the sheep.

It surprises me very much that you say you will cause trouble if I don't
pay up. If you can think of anything I've missed I should like to know
about it. Trying to get money out of me will be like trying to poke butter
up a hedgehog's hole with a red hot needle. I'm praying for a cloud of
cat's shit to pass your way and I hope it will fall on you and the bastards
in your office who sent me this final demand.

    Yours for more credit,

            John Murphy

      And just before we come to our final contribution for the week, one more
      short piece from David (Fifi) McCallum:

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during
her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.

"What's that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, that ... I just use a hole
in the trunk of a tree".

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you
how to do it properly".

So she took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide.
"Here," she said, pointing "You must put it in here".

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick
in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,
"Tarzan ... what the HELL did you do that for??"

"Just checking for bees".

     And for those of you who've stayed with us so far - let's finish off
     the week with a couple of contributions from Martha Ruth Hills:

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ...
and I also know that I'm not blonde.
  -Dolly Parton-

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a
smart woman with a dumb guy.
  -Erica Jong-

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
  -Erma Bombeck-

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
  -Sue Grafton-

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.  Men invade
another country.
  -Elayne Boosler-

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
  -Maryon Pearson-

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
  -Gilda Radner-

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done,
ask a woman.
  -Margaret Thatcher-

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
  -Gloria Steinhem-

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
  -Gloria Steinhem-

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which
answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning,
a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
  -Marie Corelli-

Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
  -Baroness Edith Summerskill-

I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
  -Zsa Zsa Gabor-

                              FANCY DRESS

There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a fancy
dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg
so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.  A few days later
he receives a parcel with a note.

"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief
will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden
leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.  A week passes and he
receives another parcel and a note which says, " Dear Sir, sorry about before,
please find enclosed a monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg
and with your bald head you will really look the part. "

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his wooden
leg to emphasising his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter
of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which read:

  "Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of treacle.  Pour the tin of treacle over your bald
head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple ... wanker."
[ End Friday humour ]

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