Friday humour - May 12, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

   And it's back to recent stuff again this week.  Actually, after all the
   fun with the ILY virus last week, this one-liner from out west may be
   appropriate to pass on before we really start:

  "Did you read about Bill Gates arguing that they shouldn't break up
   Microsoft because then they would be unable to protect people from viruses
   such as the 'love bug'?"

   Okay.  Did we get that?  Anyway, first up in the real humour dept, here's
   a couple that were just passed on by Ian Madsen:

                               THE SUPPOSITORY

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can
do.  The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by
inserting a suppository up his anal passage.  The man agrees, and so the
doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way
up his behind.  The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do
the same thing in six hours.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second
suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to
obtain the required depth.  He calls his wife over and tells her what to do.
The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other
shoves the medicine home.

Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!"

"What's the matter?" asks the wife. "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realised that when the doctor did that, he
had BOTH hands on my shoulders!"

    -- and --

                        TALE OF THE RICH PROSTITUTE

A guy is hanging out in his favourite bar when he spots the beautiful woman
walking in on the arm of some nasty schlep.  He asks the bartender about it
and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute.  He watches her the rest
of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.

The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she's there again,
only this time alone.  The guy works up his nerve and approached her.

"Is it true you're a prostitute?" (always a good opening line, BTW).

"Why sure, big boy.  What can I do for you?" she replies.

The guy responds, "well, I don't know.  What do you charge?"

"I get $100 just for a handjob.  We can negotiate from there."

"$100!?!  For a handjob?  Are you nuts?"

"You see that Ferarri out there?"

The guy looks out the front window, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferarri
parked outside.

"I paid cash for that Ferarri with the money I made on handjobs.  Trust me,
it's worth it."

The guy mulls over it for a while and decides what the hell.  He leaves with
her, and gets the most unbelievable evening.  This handjob was better than any
complete sexual experience in his miserable life.

The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up.
When she does, he immediately approaches her.

"Last night was incredible!"

"Of course it was.  Just wait til you try one of my blow jobs."

"How much is that?"


"$500!?!  C'mon, that's ridiculous!"

"You see that apartment building across the street?"

The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building.

"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow jobs.  Trust me,
it's worth it."

Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it.  He leaves with her,
and once again is not disappointed.  He nearly faints twice.

The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up.

"I'm hooked, you're the best!  Tell me, what'll it cost me to go all the way?"

She motions for him to follow her outside.  She points down the street,
between buildings so he can see Manhattan.

"You see that island?"

"Oh, c'mon.  You can't mean that!"

She nods her head.  "You bet.  Had I been a woman, I'd own that island!"

     Remember the one about cats, buttered toast, and perpetual motion from
     Sept 4th, 1998?  Well, I didn't realise it but there was a follow-up
     analysis of this, and David (over at Telstra) just forwarded it on:

I've been thinking about this cat/toast business for a while.  In the buttered
toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side down - it
doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with Jacob's crackers.
So to save money you just miss out the toast - and butter the cats.  Also,
should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter, there are
other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet.

Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple relation:

     p = s * t(t)/tc

where p is the probability of carpet impact s is the "stain" value of the
toast-covering substance - an indicator of the effectiveness of the toast
topping in permanently staining the carpet.  Chicken Tikka Masala, for example,
has a very high s value, while the s value of water is zero.  tc and t(t)
indicate the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of p being strongly
related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and topping,
as even chicken tikka masala won't cause a permanent and obvious stain if the
carpet is the same colour.

So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use
chicken tikka masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives a p
value of one, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its
feet.  Therefore a cat with chicken tikka masala on its back will be certain
to hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the
toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash resulting in
nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident victims in
hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if their party was
in power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue research.
Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety but also public
sanity if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a
monorail powered by cats smeared with chicken tikka masala floating above a
rail made from white shag pile carpet.

             Next, a quickie from John over at the Museum of Vic:

                                  NO RESPECT

My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting
any respect.  Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read,
"I'm the Boss".  He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a
note to the sign that said. "Your wife called.  She wants her sign back!"

          This one's from Maria Harding (a joke you can tell the kids):

A seventh grade Biology teacher arranged a demonstration for his class.  He
took two earth worms and in front of the class he did the following:  He
dropped the first worm into a beaker of water where it dropped to the bottom
and wriggled about.

He dropped the second worm into a beaker of Ethyl alcohol and it immediately
shriveled up and died.  He then asked the class if anyone knew what this
demonstration was intended to show them.

A boy in the second row immediately shot his arm up, and - when called on -
said: "You're showing us that if you drink alcohol, you won't have worms."

      Okay - time for some visual humour.  First one is some more Microsoft
      bashing, as passed on by Lisa Thomas:

    MS error messages: Click here

      And a couple more from Steve [redacted], offspring of TK:

    Queen Elizebeth II: Click here

      (Next one's a bit rough ... not recommended following a large meal ;-)
    Going for the record: Click here

      One from Steve Harding, Esq:

    Job opportunity: Click here

       And finally, an oldy but a good one - from Mad Mick (UK).  This is a
       Microsoft EXE file, so you'll need to be running a PC with Microsoft
       Windows to look at it.  Save the file when prompted, then run it from
       Windows Explorer or My Computer:

    Mona: Click here

       Nestor (Illinois) just passed a few more on - and here's two of them:

A new monk arrives at the monastery.  He is assigned to help the other monks
in copying the old texts by hand.  He notices, however, that they are copying
copies, not the original books.  So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask
him about this.  He points out that if there were an error in the first copy,
that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but
you make a good point, my son."  So, he goes down into the cellar with one of
the copies to check it against the original.  Hours later, nobody has seen
him.  So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him.  He hears a sobbing
coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one
of the original books crying.

He asks the old monk what's wrong, and in a choked voice came the reply...
"The word is 'celebrate.'"

   --- and ---

"Excuse me, sir."

"Is that you again, Moses?"

"I'm afraid it is, sir."

"What is it this time, Moses.  More computer problems?"

"How did you guess?"

"I don't have to guess, Moses.  Remember?"

"Oh, yeah.  I forgot."

"Tell me what you want, Moses."

"But you already know.  Remember?"


"Sorry, sir."

"Well, go ahead, Moses.  Spit it out!"

"Well, I have a question, sir.  You know those ten things you sent me."

"You mean the commandments, Moses?"

"That's it.  I was wondering if they were important."

"What do you mean 'were important,' Moses?  Of course, they are important.
Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."

"Well, sorry, but I lost them.  I could say the dog ate them, but of course you
would see right through that."

"What do you mean 'you lost them'!  Are you trying to tell me you didn't save
them, Moses?"

"No, sir.  I forgot."

"Well, My Son always saves, Moses."

"Yeah, I know.  You told me that before.  I was going to, but I forgot.  I did
send them to some people before I lost them though."

"And did you hear back from any of them?"

"You already know I did."

"What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not?' Can he change the
words a little bit?"

"Yes, Moses.  As long as he doesn't change the meaning."

"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh and
recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions or letting people pick one or
two to try for a while?"

"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."

"I think that means, 'no.'  Errr - well, what about the guy who said I was
scamming him?"

"I think that is spamming, Moses."

"Oh, yeah.  I E-Mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff and
I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."

"And what he did say?"

"You know what he said.  He used your name in vain.  You don't think he
might have sent me one of those plagues and that's the reason I lost those
ten things, do you?"

"They're called viruses, Moses."

"Whatever!  This computer stuff is just too much for me.  Can we just go back
to those stone tablets?  It was hard on my back taking them out and reading
them each day, but I never lost them."

"We'll do it the new way, Moses."

"I was afraid you would say that, sir."

"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"

"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer."

"It's a mouse, Moses.  Mouse!  Mouse!  And did you do that?"

"No, I decided to try the technical support first.  After all, who knows more
about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours.  By the way, sir,
did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"

"No, Moses."

"One other thing.  Why didn't you name them frogs instead of mice, because
didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"

"I didn't name them, Moses.  Man did, and you can call yours a beatnik if you
want to."

"Oh, that explains it.  Kind of like Adam, huh, sir?  I bet some woman told
him to call it a mouse.  After all, wasn't it a woman who named one of the
computers Apple?"

"Say goodnight, Moses."

"Wait a minute, sir.  I am stretching out the mouse and it seems to be working.
Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back."

"Which ones are they, Moses?"

"Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt not
uncover thy neighbour's wife.'"

"Turn the computer off, Moses.  I'm sending you another set of stone tablets.
How does 'Same Day Air' sound?"

       Here's the last few one-liners from my Steven Wright collection
       (I suspect a couple are repeats, but anyway - enjoy):

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out.  When she's asleep, I go over
there and write misspelled words on them.

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information.  She
said, "Hello ... Information."  I said, "I can't find my socks."
She said, "They're behind the couch."  And they were!

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl.  She looked at me
and said, "Hey, you have two different coloured socks on." I said, "Yeah,
I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish.  I turned it on and went
to sleep; the record got stuck.  The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires
backwards.  I erased all of the records.  When I returned them to my friend,
he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali.  He was using a dotted line.  He
caught every other fish.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like
an idiot.

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay.  It's fun to call him... "Come
here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane.  Now he just ignores me and
keeps typing.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures of cats on
them.  Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building ... on the ledge.  Some
people are afraid of heights.  Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I spilled spot remover on my dog.  He's gone now.

I was born by Caesarian section ... but not so you'd notice.  It's just that
when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids.  I got a toy subway instead.
You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling
noise go by.

       And finally for the week - one that's been passed on by David McCallum
       and also by LaTrobe Kate (I reckon Kodak Kate sounded better) - it's
       another one of those delightful IQ Tests:

  The following small quiz consists of 4 questions.  It analyses your capacity
  to act as a professional in the workplace.

  Scroll down for the answer.  The questions are not that difficult.  You just
  need to be a bit ...

Q1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Correct answer:

   Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.

Simple enough?  This question tests whether you are doing simple things in
a complicated way.

Q2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Wrong Answer:

  Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator

Correct Answer:

  Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and
close the door.  (This tests your prudence.)

Q3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend
    except one.  Which animal does not attend ?

Correct Answer : The Elephant ! (Why ? ... scroll Down)

The Elephant is in the refrigerator!

(This tests whether you use comprehensive thinking.)

OK - if you did not answer correctly the last three questions, this one may
be your last chance to test your qualification to be a professional.

Q4. There is a river which is filled with crocodiles.  How do you manage to
    pass it ?

Correct Answer:

Simply swim through it.  All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
I hope you at least got this one right.  But in any event, don't be frustrated.
According to the statistics of Andersen Worldwide, around 90% of professionals
surveyed failed this exam.

However, many pre-schoolers got several correct answers.  Andersen Consulting
says this conclusively proves the theory that most professionals have the
brains of a four year old.
[ End Friday humour ]

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