Friday humour - May 05, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

   This week (with the exception of some material from Lachlan's site), pretty
   much everything is from around July of last year (1999).  Why?  Well, as
   usual, it's just where I happened to start in the In-Tray :-)

   And yes - there are some more cartoons too (although this week I've pretty
   well cleared out the pics bin, hint hint ...)

   First up for this week - the Bitch (NAO) felt that you may enjoy this :-)

A man was in court for a double murder and the judge said: "You are charged
with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out: "You bastard!"

The judge continued: "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death
with a hammer."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out: "You God-damned

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said:
"Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will
not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with
contempt.  Now, is that a problem?"

The man at the back of the court stood up and explained: "For fifteen years I
lived next door to that bastard.  And EVERY time I asked to borrow a hammer,
he said he didn't have one!"

     The next couple were purloined off Lachlan's site.  The first piece is
     one of those interesting "derivations of old sayings" things - enjoy:

                            LIFE IN THE 1500's

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and
were still smelling pretty good by June.  However, they were starting to smell,
so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the B.O.

Baths equalled a big tub filled with hot water.  The man of the house had the
privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the
women and finally the children.  Last of all the babies.  By then the water
was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.  Hence the saying, "Don't
throw the baby out with the bath water".

Houses had thatched roofs.  Thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the pets ... dogs, cats,
and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs lived in the roof.  When it rained
it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.  This posed a real
problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your
nice clean bed.  So, they found if they made beds with big posts and hung a
sheet over the top, it addressed that problem.  Hence those beautiful big 4
poster beds with canopies.

The floor was dirt.  Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the
saying "dirt poor."  The wealthy had slate floors which would get slippery in
the winter when wet.  So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their
footing.  As the winter wore on they kept adding more thresh until when you
opened the door it would all start slipping outside.  A piece of wood was
placed at the entry way, hence a "thresh hold".

Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special when that
happened.  When company came over, they would bring out some bacon and hang it
to show it off.  It was a sign of wealth and that a man "could really bring
home the bacon."  They would cut off a little to share with guests and would
all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter.  Food with a high acid content
caused some of the lead to leach onto the food.  This happened most often with
tomatoes, so they stopped eating tomatoes ... for 400 years.

Most people didn't have pewter plates, but had trenchers - a piece of wood
with the middle scooped out like a bowl.  Trenchers were never washed and
a lot of times worms got into the wood.  After eating off wormy trenchers,
they would get "trench mouth."

Bread was divided according to status.  Workers got the burnt bottom of the
loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "uppercrust".

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.  The combination would sometimes
knock them out for a couple of days.  Someone walking along the road would take
them for dead and prepare them for burial.  They were laid out on The kitchen
table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink
and wait and see if they would wake up.  Hence the custom of holding a "wake".

England is old and small, and they started running out of places to bury
people.  So, they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to a house
and re-use the grave.  In reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins
were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realised they had
been burying people alive.  So they thought they would tie a string on their
wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a
bell.  Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to Listen for
the bell.  Hence on the "graveyard shift" they would know that someone was
"saved by the bell" or he was a "dead ringer".

   ... and ...

                       THE PHYSICISTS BILL OF RIGHTS

We hold these postulates to be intuitively obvious, that all physicists are born
equal, to a first approximation, and are endowed by their creator with certain
discrete privileges, among them are mean rest life, n degrees of freedom, and
the following rights, which are invariant under all linear transformations:

1.  To approximate all problems to ideal cases.

2.  To use order of magnitude calculations whenever deemed necessary (i.e.
    whenever one can get away with it).

3.  To use the rigorous method of "squinting" for solving problems more complex
    than the addition of positive real integers.

4.  To dismiss all functions which diverge as "nasty" and "unphysical".

5.  To invoke the uncertainty principle whenever confronted by confused
    mathematicians, chemists, engineers, psychologists, dramatists and other

6.  To extensively use "bastard notations" where conventional mathematics will
    not work.

7.  To justify shaky reasoning on the basis that it gives the right answer.

8.  To cleverly choose convenient initial conditions, using the principle of
    general triviality.

9.  To use plausible arguments in place of proofs, and thenceforth refer to
    these arguments as proofs.

10. To take on faith any principle which seems right but cannot be proved.

     BTW, most of Lachlan's personal home pages are now at -
     Click here - in case you've been looking for them ...


       Time for the non-ASCII stuff now.  First up - another contribution
       from Maura McDermott over in the United Kingdom:

     Patchy suntan: Click here

       The next three are ones I've just picked up by surfing around in the
       "files vault" of our old Westerly list:

     Look, Mum ...  Click here
     Cupid          Click here
     Picnic for the boys:  Click here

       And last in the cartoon department, a large one (and once more, I've
       lost the sender's name, damn it and damn it).  It's 345K in size, so
       once more, Steve has kindly put it up for us over at his Digitronics:

     An Egg's Life: Click here

     Okay - back to the printed material now.  Here's a philosophical piece
     from Kate D H (she was still "Kodak Kate" when she sent this):

There was a Fly buzzing around a Barn on a Farm.  Happily buzzing around, on
it's journey of discovery it notices a huge fresh pile of Cow dung.  Not having
eaten for a while and feeling quite hungry, the fly decides to fly down and
feast on the dung heap.

When the fly is satisfied, it's has eaten so much that it's new body mass is
too great to become airborne.  Looking around, the Fly sees a pitch fork
stuck in the ground, and decides to climb the pitch fork.  So up it climbs,
right up to the top and up onto the handle, calculating that if it jumps off
it will gain enough speed to fly.

So it jumps off, hits the ground at great speed and SPLAT - it dies instantly.

The moral of this story:
"Never fly off the handle when you know you are full of shit"

     Now it's time for one from Caroline over at Monash (via Jean):


Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if
the tenants are unemployed.

One of a pair of identical twins is evil.

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut.  You
will always choose the right one.

It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial
arts.  Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one ... dancing
around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will
still be clearly visible but slightly blue.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on
nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.

Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using
complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry
sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at
least once.

All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman
but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of
carrots with leafy tops.

It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower
to talk you down.

If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or
fighting aliens.  However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your
lipstick will smear.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.  No one
will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other
part of the building without difficulty.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake
of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary
to speak the language.  A German accent will do.

A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince
when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in
their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing
when the car broke down.

If someone says "I'll be right back", they won't. (Not to be confused with
"I'll be back!")

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the
steering wheel from time to time.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so
you know exactly when they're going to go off.

A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able
to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is
assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

     Back over to Illinois now - another Nestor Zaluzec contribution:

                                THE TWO NUNS

Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies.  One of them is known as
Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?

SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical.  He wants to have his way with us.

SM: Oh, no!  At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.  What
    can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking

SM: It is not working.

SL: Of course it is not working.  The man did the only obvious thing to do.
    He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do?  At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split.  You go that way and I'll go
    this way.  He cannot follow both of us.

So the man decided to go after Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister
Logical has not yet arrived.  Finally, Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical!  Thank God you are here!  Tell us what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.  The man could not follow both of us,
    so he followed me.

SM: So, what happened?  Please tell us.

SL: The only logical thing to happen.  I started to run as fast as I could.

SM: So what happened?

SL: The only logical thing to happen.  The man also started to run as fast
    as he could.

SM: And what else?

SL: The only logical thing to happen.  He reached me.

SM: Oh, no!  What did you do then?

SL: The only logical thing to do.  I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister.  What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.  He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no!  What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?  A nun with her dress up can run faster than
    a man with his pants down.

      Next one is of those super-short contributions - from David at Telstra:

A son calls his mother: "Hi, Mum - how are you?"

Mum replies: "Not too good.  I haven't eaten in 38 days."

Replying with concern, the son asks "What's the matter, Mum?  Are
you not feeling well?  Have you been to the doctor?"

Mum replies: "It's not that - I just didn't want to have my mouth full of food
when you called."

        Now for a small bit of prose from X-Ray Ted (Ian Madsen):

           (With apologies to Shakespeare and Dr. Seuss ...)

               GREEN EGGS AND HAMLET

           I ask to be, or not to be.
           That is the question, I ask of me.

           This sullied life, it makes me shudder.
           My uncle's boffing dear, sweet mother.
           Would I, could I take my life?
           Could I, should I, end this strife?

           Should I jump out of a plane?
           Or throw myself before a train?
           Should I from a cliff just leap?
           Could I put myself to sleep?

           Shoot myself, or take some poison?
           Maybe try self immoloition?
           To shudder off this mortal coil,
           I could stab myself with a fencing foil.

           Slash my wrists while in the bath?
           Would it end my angst and wrath?
           To sleep, to dream, now there's the rub.
           I could drop a toaster in my tub.

           Would all be glad, if I were dead?
           Could I perhaps kill them instead?
           This line of thought takes consideration -
           For I'm the king of procrastination.

       And a second one from Kate D H, who commented "The two minutes it
       will take you to read this can not be refunded, they're lost forever.
       Having said that ..."

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming
around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that
patrolled the area.

Finally, one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian "I'm bored
and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark - then I wouldn't
have any worries about being eaten".  Just as Justin had his mind firmly on
becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hit the water and, lo and behold,
Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored
and lonely as a shark.  All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came
close to them.  Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the
cause of his sad plight.

During the next tropical storm, Justin figured that the same lightning force
could change him back into a prawn.  Lightning never strikes twice except in
stories like these, but while he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash
of lightning struck the water next to Justin and, lo and behold, he turned back
into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and
bought them all a cocktail.  (The punchline does not involve a prawn cocktail -
it's much worse).  Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for
his old pal.  "Where's Christian?",  he asked.

"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and
became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set
off to Christian's house.  As he opened the coral gate, the memories came
flooding back.  He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old
friend.  Come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way, man. You'll eat me.  You're a shark, the enemy. I
won't be tricked!"

Justin cried back, "No I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed ..."

(wait for it - wait for it ...)

" - now I'm ..."

" ... a prawn again Christian ..."

      And to finish off for the week - here's one more from Fifi McC:

The travelling salesman checked into a futuristic motel.  Realising he needed
a trim before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to
ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall
is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted
fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine
started to buzz and whirl.

Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his
reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25

"Argh, why not?" thought the salesman.  He paid the money, inserted his hands
into the slot, and pulled them out and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men
Need Most When Away from Their Wives - 50 cents."

The salesman looked both ways, put in fifty cents, unzipped his fly and stuck
his dick into the opening.

As the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony.  Fifteen
seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was finally
able to withdraw his penis ... with a button sewed to the tip.
[ End Friday humour ]

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