Friday humour - April 21, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

      Gidday,
   And to put your mind at rest - there was no Friday humour last week (I took
   a quick trip up to the Grampians for a bit of walking and climbing ... and
   drinking).  I notice a few of you still managed to get your fix via the
   archive ( Click here ), so it obviously wasn't all that bad.


   This week, it's all pretty recent material - stuff which arrived this month
   (April 2000).  First up - a short one from the indomitable Maria Harding:
                              -----------------

"Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked Jill.

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well,
ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns.  Sometimes we keep'em
trimmed down with a hacksaw.  Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by
puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops
'em cold.  Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns.  But
the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
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    The second contribution is from Nestor over at ANL in Illinois (the snow
    should've cleared there by now, being spring) - some more Scots humour:
                              -----------------

                       AYE TO THE SCOTS OF THE WORLD

Old MacPherson died and his wife felt that she ought to put an obituary in the
local newspaper.  She went into the newspaper office and asked about the cost
of the obit.  The clerk said, "The first three words re free and after that
it's $5.00 a word."

"Aye", said Mrs. MacPherson, "I'll think on it a wee while."

Now Mrs. MacPherson was a true Scot.  She went over to the counter and took
out a paper and pencil and began scribbling, scratching out, and re-writing.
Finally, she came back to the counter and presented it to the clerk.  On
the paper, she had written, "MacPherson is dead".

"Oh", said the clerk, "You've only written three words.  I think old MacPherson
deserves a lot more than that.  After all he was quite well known here in town."

"No, that's all", she said, "that's my three free words, you know.  So just
print it."

When the clerk showed it to the editor, he was astounded.

"She can't do that", he said, "Poor Old MacPherson deserved a lot more respect
than that.  People will want to have a nice little write-up about him.  Tell
the woman we'll give her three more free words."

So the clerk phoned Mrs. MacPherson and told her what the editor had said.

"Good", she replied, "I'll be right over".

When she got back to the newspaper office, she handed the clerk the revised
obituary.  On the paper she had written:

"MacPherson is dead.  Volvo for Sale."
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     Now one from Steve (whose site often supplies the feed for those
     larger-than-normal non-ASCII contributions we occasionally get):
                              -----------------

Our good buddy Bill Clinton was assigned a new intern named Sally.  Being the
polite gentleman he is, Bill went to visit Sally and ask her if she needed any
questions answered.

She said no, so Bill asked, "Have you seen the Presidential clock yet?"

Sally replied, "I haven't even heard of the presidential clock."

Bill then replied, "Well let's go to my office, so I can show it to you."

Sally was a little taken aback, and she stated, "With all the problems you've
had lately, I don't think we should."

Then Bill said, "Ahh, it's just a clock, and I promise I won't try anything."

Sally then agrees to go with him.  Bill leads her to the Oval Office, shuts
and locks the door behind them, and then drops his pants to the floor.

Sally is flabbergasted, and says, "Mr. President, that is the presidential
Cock, not the Presidential clock."

Bill looks at her and says, "Sally, by my definition, if you put two hands and
a face on it, it's a clock.
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         Now for a long-ish tale off our old Westerly list:
                              -----------------

This was on the Jay Leno show on 9-7-99.  Jay went into the audience to find
the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.  The winner described
her worst first date experience.

She described the situation as mid-winter ... snowing and quite cold ... and
the guy had taken her skiing.  It was a day trip (no overnight).  They were
strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.  The outing was fun but
relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realise
that she should not have had that extra latte apres-ski.  They were about an
hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere.  Her
companion suggested she should try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point
where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or
it would be the front seat of his car.  They stopped and she quickly crawled
out beside the car, yanked her ski pants down and started.  Unfortunately, in
the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against
the rear fender to steady herself.  Her companion stood on the other side of
the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained
from peeking.

All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather
embarrassing nature of the situation.  Upon finishing however, she soon became
aware of another sensation.  As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady
discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against car's fender.  Thoughts of
tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to
disengage her flesh from the icy metal.  It was quickly apparent that she had
a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humour, she answered her date's
concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that, indeed - she was
"freezing her butt off and needed some assistance!"

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and
then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.  She
too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they
assessed her dilemma.  Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they
also were faced with a real problem.  Both agreed it would take something hot
to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal.

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place,
both quickly realised that there was only one way to get her free, so, as she
looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee
her butt off the fender.

Rescue accomplished, they returned to the car - although for the remainder of
the trip home there wasn't much conversation and, apparently, despite their
"intimate encounter", the two did not see one another again.

As for the "Tonight" show - she took the prize hands down (or perhaps that
should be "pants down").
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     Next, over to the UK and Mad Mick (who's just recovering from a visit
     by DAJR) - on this subject, Mick writes:

   ===========================================================
      Tony,
   Is there anybody left alive in OZ?  Haven't heard from you.  Cousin David
   has been visiting me twice and ... no mail ... no jokes.  We over here in
   UK are getting worried - do you think I should send David back to search
   for you?  Or is it while the cat's away, etc. etc.  Please advise - do we
   keep David locked up over here, or send him back.  We will keep Gwen of
   course - we're not totally stupid.
      Mad Mick
   ===========================================================

     (Mick - keep DAJR locked up for another 2-3 months by all means.  Thanks
     in advance on behalf of CSIRO)
                              -----------------

                             ONE FOR THE LAWYERS

Court case - in Chancery. Judgement to be delivered after twelve days hearing
of case involving misrepresented bond issue. Silks both side. Swarms of
expensive suits. Press gallery crammed with financial press. Case probably set
precedent for three others all involving multi-nationals.

Judge opens:  'I feel I must begin proceedings today by way of uttering an
apology.  You see, Gentlemen - I have inadvertently left my judgement on the
hall bureau back in East Grinstead.  I regret therefore that I am unable to
 ... er ...'

Leading counsel leaps to his feet and respectfully interrupts 'Er ... fax it
up, my Lord?'

'Does rather, doesn't it' comes the immediate reply.
                              -----------------


     Let's stay in the land of the Union Jack for a moment longer, with some
     one-liners from Brian D. McNicol (who coincidentally was also visited
     by DAJR last week ... so watch out, Lachlan - you may be next):
                              -----------------

                             THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may
not follow. Do not walk beside me either okay, just go away and leave me the
hell alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt, a cracked rad
hose and no bat phone.

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the
neighbour's Daily News, that's the time to do it.

Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to
others.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth
it.

There are two theories to arguing with women.  Neither of them works.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad
judgement.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in
your pocket.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain-dance.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Duct tape is like the Force - it has a light side and a dark side and it holds
the universe together.

Why be normal?
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   Let's have some pictures now (for those of you who have web-capable
   mailers or browsers) - first one is another Jonian Nikolov contribution:

    Easter Bunnies: Click here

   And another collection from Maura McDermot (friend of DAJR) over in the UK:

    Moo:  Click here
    Noah:  Click here
    Child:  Click here
    Hunting Duck:  Click here
    Driving School:  Click here

   Arr - what the heck - this other one from Jonian will really have you
   going over the Easter break (for those of you who read your mail before
   next week :-)  Try and find the 9 people (about 20 seconds to load this
   one - needs to be fairly high res):

    Nine People: Click here
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      Okay - back to ASCII - this is another quickie from Maria the Harding:
                              -----------------

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he
says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor?  What's
wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a
little bit different.  Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite ... what's that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the ... er ... features ... of
a male and a female."

The woman turns pale.  She says, "Oh, my God!  You mean - it has a penis ...
AND a brain?"
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         And another short one - this time from David McCallum:
                              -----------------

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynaecologist. The doctor took one
look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.  Doing so, he
asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological
abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her
breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with
her.  He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first
place."
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    And an even shorter one from Jean (thanks to Liz over at DAR):
                              -----------------

                         HOW TO BECOME A GREAT WRITER

There once was a young man who professed a desire to become a "great" writer.
When asked to define "great", he said "I want to write stuff that the whole
world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level,
stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation and
anger!"

So he now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
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    Now another one from David McCallum (this week, I'm just passing 'em on
    in the order they arrived :-)
                              -----------------

Tony Blair is being shown around a hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he
is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of injury.
He goes to greet the first and the chap replies:

"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin'.race!  Aboon
them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm:  Weel are ye wordy o' a
grace As lang 's my arm."

Tony, being somewhat confused goes to the next patient and greets him. He
replies:

"Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat
and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit."

The third starts rattling off as follows:

"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi bickering brattle!  I wad be laith to rin
an chase thee, Wi murdering pattle!"

Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward this is.
A mental ward?

"No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."
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      April must definitely be the month for Scots humour - here's yet
      another wee bit (again courtesy of Maria the Harding):
                              -----------------

                             PROVISION OF NATURE
                           -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large
amount of scotch whisky at a local pub. As he wandered down the road, he felt
quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, so sat down with his back against a
tree.

As he slept, two young female French tourists walked down the road and heard
the Scotsman snoring loudly. When they came to the source of the snores, one
lass said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

So she boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw what nature
had provided him with.

Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us! Let's thank him
for the education!"

Whereupon, she took a pretty blue ribbon from her hair and gently tied it
around what nature had provided to the Scotsman.

Sometime later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He walked
around to the other side of the tree, raised his kilt and bewilderment filled
his mind at the sight of the bright blue ribbon tied neatly in a bow.

After several moments passed, he said, "I donna know where y'been, laddy ...
but it's nice t'see ye won furst prize!"
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      Here's another classic contribution from the bitch now (Nicki A-O):
                              -----------------

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and
started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger
window and tapped lightly.

The passenger screamed, "Look at the window.  There's an old ghost's face
there!"

The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger
rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do
you want?"

The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"

The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the
driver, rolling up the window in terror.

A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver
said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're
doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the
old man reappeared.

"There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and
shakily said, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked.

The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"

They were doing about 100 miles an hour now, trying to forget what they had
just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.

"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in
stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"

The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
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       And finally for the week - yet one more from Fifi McCallum:
                              -----------------

           TOP TEN THINGS A CONSULTANT SHOULD NEVER TELL A CLIENT

10. That was my first guess as well ... but then I really thought about it.

09. You should see the hotel I'm staying at!

08. Hey - I just realised that I was just starting high school when you
    started working here.

07. I like this office space. I'll have them put me in here when you're gone.

06. My rental car looks nicer than that old rust-bucket you're driving.

05. Sure it'll work - I learned it in business school.

04. So what do you need me to tell you?

03. Of course it's right; the spreadsheet says so!

02. I could just tell you the answer now - except we're committed to a three
    month project.

01. What *are* you, then?  Stupid?
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[ End Fri humour ]




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