Friday humour - April 07, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

       And gidday,
   Well, it's that time of year again - the Darwin awards for 1999 are in
   (courtesy of Steve (LMS) Harding :)  Onto these shortly.

   There's some visual (and some audio) humour later too, but before we get
   onto any of these - here's some good advice sent in by Martha Ruth H:
                        -----------------------

                     GREAT REASONS NOT TO EXERCISE

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.  She's 97 now
and we have no idea where she is.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing
again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.  Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I don't exercise at all.  If God meant for us to touch our toes, he would have
put them further up our body.

I love long walks (especially when they are taken by people who annoy me).

I have flabby thighs.  Fortunately, my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

I can't jog.  It makes the ice jump out of my glass.
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      Evie sent this one in a few weeks ago and it almost got buried, but
      I remembered it this week, so here it is.  (Evie's working in the City
      now, BTW - sounds like she's enjoying her contracting immensely):
                        -----------------------

                        WHAT'S YOUR BUSINESS SIGN?

                                  MARKETING

You are ambitious yet stupid.  You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to
study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socialising which is
pretty much what your job responsibilities are now.  Least compatible with
Accountants.

                                    SALES

Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree."
Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid
contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture."  You seek
admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

                                  TECHNOLOGY

Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to
completely control everything that happens at your workplace.  Often even YOU
don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can.  It is written that
Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

                                  ENGINEERING

One of only two signs that actually studied in school.  It is said that ninety
percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers.  You can be happy with
yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets.
However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."

                                   ACCOUNTING

The only other sign that studied in school.  You are mostly immune from office
politics.  You are the most feared person in the organisation; combined with
your extreme organisational traits, the majority of rumours concerning you say
that you are completely insane.

                                HUMAN RESOURCES

Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the
biggest gossip within the organisation.  Possibly the only other person that
does less work than marketing.  You are unable to return any calls today
because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

                          MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT

Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at
your current job for the rest of your life.  Unable to make a single decision
you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for
yourself.  Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your
social circle is a "Middle Manager."

                               SENIOR MANAGEMENT

(See above - Same sign, different title)

                                CUSTOMER SERVICE

Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own
life.  As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for
your room and a headset so you could pretend to say "Customer Service."
Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your
manager.

                                  CONSULTANT

Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter
lack of experience.  You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in
demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organisation
in a heartbeat.  You will spend an eternity contemplating these career
opportunities without ever taking direct action.

                             RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER"

As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by
most people who actually work for a living.  Paid on commission and
susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond
directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

                             PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO

You are brilliant or lucky.  Your inability to figure out complex systems such
as the fax machine suggests the latter.
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        Now it's time for some "Fifi" McCallum material (two, this week):
                        -----------------------

One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a lawyer all arrived at their hotel to find that
there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room
left for them to share.  The manager explained that this room only had two
beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm which the farmer, an old
friend of his, would let one of them sleep in free of charge.  They complained
a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he'd
sleep in the barn.

The Hindu and the lawyer were just settling down to sleep in their room, when
there was a knock on the door.  It was the Jew. "I'm sorry," he said, "but
there's a pig in that barn and because I'm Jewish I feel uncomfortable about
sharing the barn with it."

"No problem," said the Hindu. "I'll sleep out there instead."  So off he went
to the barn, leaving the lawyer and the Jew to share the room.  They were just
settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door.  It was the Hindu.
"I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a cow in that barn and because I'm a Hindu
and I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."

The lawyer grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn,
leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room.  The Jew and the Hindu were
just settling down to sleep, when here was a knock on the door.

It was the cow and the pig.
                             ----====####====----

     ... and ...

Two farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbours, but didn't like each other much.
In 1989 in Finland there was a period of -30 degree Centigrade cold and Bob
and Joe had nothing to do because of it.  So they bet a bottle of vodka
(Finnish) who can sit out on the window ledge the longest with a bare arse.

After two hours Bob's wife came home and asked Bob, "What are you doing?"

Bob explained and she said, "Come on, you will only freeze your arse off."

Bob refused as he wanted to win the bet.  Then his wife got an idea. "Lets
change places when Joe is looking the other way."  Bob's Wife put on the same
kind of pullover and cap and traded places with Bob.

Half an hour later Joe's wife came home and asked him, "What are you doing?"

Joe told her and said, "I'm determined to win the bottle!"

"You're crazy, come inside."

"Certainly not - I'm already winning.  Bob lost his balls half an hour ago!"
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      And NOW - the 1999 DARWIN AWARDS (as just forwarded by Steve Harding)
                           -----------------------

One of the long awaited moments of each new year is the announcement of the
Annual Darwin Awards.  The Darwin Awards are the prestigious recognition of
those people who, by their own incredible, conscious actions remove their
apparently faulty DNA/chromosomes from the gene pool - making a safer place
for all of mankind to someday swim.  This is a global phenomenon and the 1999
nominations reflect the universal appeal and acclaim that this most
prestigious award has grown to enjoy.

The Runners-up Awards:

(15 July 1999, Alabama)   A 25-year-old man died of injuries sustained from a
3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy.  His
plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while expectorating, in
order to add momentum to his saliva.

In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the railing,
which he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip slipped, sending him
plummeting 24 feet to the cement below.  The Military specialist had a blood
alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing his judgement and paving the way for his
opportunity to win a Darwin Award.

(11 August 1999 Germany)   A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the
eclipse while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany.  A witness driving behind
him stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the
partially occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge pier.
He had apparently just donned his solar viewers, which are dark enough to
totally obscure everything except the sun.

(25 May 1999, Ukraine)   A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while
fishing in the river Tereblya.  The 43-year-old man connected cables to the
main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river.  The
electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the
water.  The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live
wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish.  In an ironic twist,
the man was fishing for a morning meal to commemorate the first anniversary
of his mother-in-law's death.

(16 August 1999, Germany)   A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own
dog on Monday.  The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the
Black Forest.  A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog
was howling inside the car.  The animal is presumed to have pressed the trigger
with its paw.  Police have ruled out foul play.

(1999, Nicosia, Cypress)  Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter was
shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he
pinned the reptile to the ground.  Another hunter reported that the victim,
named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his shotgun
behind its head.  The snake coiled around the butt and pulled the trigger,
shooting Ali in the head.

(August 1999, Australia)  Drinking oneself to death need not be a long,
lingering process.  Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his
competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits.

A Sydney (Australia) hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral
Friday, with a 100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1
point for beer to 8 points for hard liquor.  Allan stood and cheered his
winning total of 236; (winners never quit!) which had also netted him the
literally staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353, 7 times greater than
Australia's legal driving limit of 0.05%.

After several trips to the temple of over-indulgence (the bathroom), Allan
was helped back to his workplace to sleep it off - a condition that became
permanent.

A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4 bourbons,
and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40 minutes, his blood alcohol level
would have been 0.41 to 0.43, although Allan had vomited several times after
the drinking stopped.

The cost paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined
the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening. (It is not known
whether Allan required any further embalming.)

(28 January 1999, London)   A flock of sheep charged a well-meaning British
farmer's wife and pushed her over a cliff to her death.  Betty Stobbs, 67, was
charged by dozens of sheep as she brought them a bale of hay on the back of a
power bike.  The sheep rushed forward and rammed the vehicle, knocking Betty
and her bike over the edge of a vacant 100' quarry near Durham, in
North-Eastern England.

"I saw the sheep surround the bike.  The next thing she was tumbling down the
incline,"  neighbour Alan Renfry told reporters.

First Runner up Award:

(22 March 1999, Phnom Penh)   Decades of armed strife have littered Cambodia
with unexploded munitions and ordinance.  Authorities warn citizens not to
tamper with the devices.

Three friends recently spent an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults
at a local cafe in the South-Eastern province of Svay Rieng.  Their friendly
arguing continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded
anti-tank mine found in his backyard.

He tossed it under the table, and the three men began playing Russian roulette,
each tossing down a drink and then stamping on the mine.  The other villagers
fled in terror.

Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the
three men in the bar.   "Their wives could not even find their flesh because
the blast destroyed everything," the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper reported.


               *** AND THE 1999 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS ***

(5 September 1999, Jerusalem) The switch away from daylight savings time
caused consternation among terrorist groups his year.

At precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in
different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs.
It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by
klutzy amateurs.  But a closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely
explosions.

Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from Daylight Savings
time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving
pre-sunrise prayers.  Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist time."
Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued.  The bombs had been prepared in a
Palestine- controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings time.  The Confused
drivers had already switched to standard time.  As a result, the cars were
still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering to the terrorists
their well-deserved demise.


                      "Not Quite" Darwin Winners

National Level Honourable Mention

Ann Arbor - The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 8:50 AM, flashed a gun and demanded
cash.  The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
register without a food order.  When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk
said they weren't available for breakfast.  The man, frustrated, walked away.

Kentucky

Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the
machine to the bumper of their pickup truck.  Instead of pulling the front
panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck.
Scared, they left the scene and drove home.  With the chain still attached to
the machine.  With their bumper still attached to the chain.  With their
vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

Louisiana

A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for
change.  When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked
for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided.  The man
took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter.
The total amount of cash he got from the drawer?  Fifteen dollars.  [If someone
points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

Arkansas

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.  He decided that he'd just throw
a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.  So he
lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.  The cinder
block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him
unconscious.  Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas.  The whole
event was caught on videotape.

New York

As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and
ran.  The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a
detailed description of the snatcher.  Within minutes, the police had
apprehended the snatcher.  They put him in the car and drove back to the
store.  The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a
positive ID.  To which he replied "Yes, Officer ..... that's her.  That's the
lady I stole the purse from."
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                                 IMAGE AND SOUND

    And now (better late than never) - time for some non-ASCII stuff.
    The first one's a song which was forwarded on by Jean.  This was a WAV
    file, but to make it easier for those of us on MODEMs, I've processed it
    into a minimal 16 Kbit/s RealAudio version.  So - if you have audio -
    give it a go (the lyrics are quite clean, BTW :)

      Gilligan:  Click here

    Now to the cartoon contributions.  This one from both Ian Madsen and
    Maura McDermott (UK):

      Easter bunny:  Click here

    And a couple from Rosalie Louey:

      Comic: Click here
      Email: Click here

    A couple more from the UK (Maura McDermott):

      Painting: Click here
      Bad dog: Click here

    And finally for this week - an interesting one from David over at Telstra
    (the original subject line was "Never use MS Windoze for advertising").

      Where do YOU want to go TODAY? Click here
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      Back to the old ASCII now.  This is another recent one, forwarded on by
      John Sharples over at the Museum of Vic:
                        -----------------------

                              I BELIEVE

There was this atheist swimming in the ocean.  All of sudden he sees this shark
in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.  As he looks back he
sees the shark turn and head towards him.  His boat is a way off and he starts
swimming like crazy.  He's scared to death, and he turns to see the jaws of
the great white beast open revealing its teeth in horrific splendour.

The atheist then screams, "Oh God!  Save me!"

In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above.  The
man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an
atheist.  Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"

The atheist, with confusion and knowing he can't lie, replies, "Well, that's
true - I don't believe in you, but how about the shark?  Can you make the
shark believe in you?"

The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens
and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down
on him, when all of a sudden the shark stops and pulls back.  Shocked, the man
looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and
growls "Thank you, Lord for this food which I am about to receive ..."
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      Over to the UK now.  Brian McNicol just sent these three across
      (inspired by last week's Scottish joke):
                        -----------------------

A Scotsman, an Englishman and Irishman were standing at the graveside of a
close friend when the Englishman suggested that they should each put some
money on the coffin in the grave so that their friend would not go short in
heaven.

The Englishman opens his wallet and throws 10 quid on to the coffin.  The
Irishman does likewise.  The Scot thinks for a minute, then writes a cheque for
30 quid, throws it on the coffin and takes the two tenners.
                             ----====####====----

A guy is in a pub complaining to another guy about how awful his wife is.  The
other guy suggests he get a hitman to bump her off, but the chap says he can't
afford it.

His companion suggest he hire Archie, the Scottish hitman who will bump people
off for a quid.  The guy leaves the pub and calls up Archie, who confirms he
will bump anybody off for a quid - but it has to be cash.

The guy hires Archie and tells him he can find his wife in Tesco's supermarket
shopping on Saturday and that she will be wearing a leopardskin coat, dark
glasses and walking with a limp.  Archie goes to Tesco's on the Saturday ,
spots the guy's wife and seeing she is alone in one of the aisles walks up to
her and strangles her.  Just as her lifeless body is falling to the floor a
little old lady comes into the aisle, so Archie throttles her as well and
races out of the store.

The headline in the newspaper the next day is "Archie chokes two for a quid
at Tesco's"!
                             ----====####====----

Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom and sees his Mum and Dad stark
naked, having sex on the bed with his Mum on top, bouncing up and down on
his dad.  He asks what they are up to and his Mum explains that since his
Dad is a bit fat she is bumping up and down on him to get the excess air
out of his body so that he will get thinner.

Johnny says "You're wasting your time Mum, Auntie Maud comes round every other
day and blows him back up again!"
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       And to finish off for this week, some philosophical thoughts as
       passed on by one Maria the Harding:
                        -----------------------

To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.

Going to church does not make you a Christian any more than going to McDonalds
makes you a hamburger.

Real friends are those who - when you feel you've made a fool of yourself -
don't feel you've done a permanent job.

A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous.

Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.

Lead your life so you won't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town
gossip.

Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it.

Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.

Learn from the mistakes of others.  You can't live long enough to make them all
yourself.

Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked.

When it comes time to die, just make sure that all you have to do is die.

Never be afraid to learn.  Knowledge is weightless, a treasure you can always
carry easily.
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[ End Fri humour ]



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