Friday humour - March 31, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

      Hi,
  The first couple of contributions this week are from out West.  This first
  piece is hot off the press - floated past last Monday:
                             ----------------

The Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence project (SETI) just announced it
has decoded the first transmission to originate from another civilisation:

  "Simply send 6.023 times 10 to the 23 atoms of Hydrogen to the Star System at
  the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your Star System at
  the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other Star Systems.  Within
  one-tenth of a Galactic Rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power
  your civilisation until entropy reaches its maximum!

  IT REALLY WORKS!"
                      ------======######======------


     Yeh, yeh - I know, I'm a bit sceptical of chain postings too ...
     Anyway, here's the other (longer) contribution:


                        YOU SAY YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY?

Everyone has problems.  Hope this makes yours look not so bad.  FYI - The
"Brian" in the following letter is the son of a Boeing Computer Systems
employee.  The letter is going to his sister and he is a commercial diver for
Global Divers out of Louisiana.  I'm sorry but his experience should not be in
vain.  I must share this with the world.  Excuse the language and forward as
you feel appropriate.  Anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office,
just remember this letter ... a true story.


   Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother.  Last week I had a bad
day at the office.  Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must
bore you with a few technicalities of my job.  As you know my office lies at
the bottom of the sea.  I wear a suit to the office.  It's a wetsuit.  This
time of year the water is quite cool.  So what we do to keep warm is this:  We
have a diesel powered industrial water heater.  This $20,000 piece of shit
sucks the water out of the sea.  It heats it to a delightful temp.  It then
pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air
hose.  Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times
with no complaints.  What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is
I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck.  This floods my whole
suit with warm water.  It's like working in a jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my arse started to itch.  So,
of course, I scratched it.  This only made things worse.  Within a few seconds
my arse started to burn.  I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage
was done.

In agony I realised what had happened to me.  The hot water machine had sucked
up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.  This is even worse than the poison
ivy you once had under a cast.  Now I had that hose down my back.  I don't
have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back.  My
arse crack was not as fortunate.  When I scratched what I thought was an itch,
I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my arse.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the comms.  His instructions
were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing
hysterically.  Needless to say I aborted the dive.  I was instructed to make 3
agonising water stops totalling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface.
I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet.  My suit and gear
were tied to the bell.

When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face,
handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it up my arse when I get in the
chamber.  The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because
my arsehole was swollen shut.  I later found out that this could easily have
been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the
ship.

Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me.  Think
about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up
your arse.  I hope you have no bad days at the office.  But if you do, I hope
that thought will make it a little more tolerable.  Take care, and I hope to
hear from you soon.

    Love,

      Brian
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Over to the U.K. (near Chester) now, for a contribution from Brian D
    McNicol - Brian forwarded this one on quite a while back:
                           ------------------

                               LAST WORDS

Oscar Wilde's last words: "Either this wallpaper goes or I do!"

The last words of academic and grammarian Monsieur Dominique Bouhours were
very precise, as befits a great scholar: "I am about to - or I am going to -
die; either expression is used".  Words that live in history ...

English poet John Keats died of tuberculosis in Rome at the tragically young
age of 26.  He was buried in the Protestant Cemetery there and wrote his own
tombstone, which bitterly reads:

             This Grave contains all that was Mortal
           of a Young English Poet who on his Death Bed
              in the Bitterness of his Heart at the
           Malicious Power of his Enemies Desired these
              Words to be engraven on his Tomb Stone
           'Here lies One Whose Name was writ in Water'

In his bitterness, he even neglected to include his name ...

One of the more ironic instances of famous last words occurred during the Civil
War.  Cocky General John Sedgwick was strolling along, seemingly oblivious to
the enemy gunfire coming in his direction.  When a soldier suggested he take
cover, the general replied, "Nonsense!  They couldn't hit an elephant at this
dist ..." and collapsed to his death, fatally struck.

Convicted murderer Edward Earl Johnson's last words as he awaited execution in
the gas chamber on May 20, 1987 were the resigned, "I guess nobody is going
to call".  And, indeed - no one did.

The last words of convicted murderer Johnny Frank Garrett, who was executed via
lethal injection on February 11, 1986, were especially touching, befitting a
man of his high sensitivity and social grace: "I'd like to thank my family for
loving me and taking care of me.  And the rest of the world can kiss my arse."

James Dean's last words before his fatal car crash were, "That guy's got to
stop.  He'll see us ..."

The last words of convicted murderer Jimmy Glass, as he sat on the Electric
Chair on June 12, 1987, were the highly appropriate, "I'd rather be fishing".

Ted Bundy's last words, as he headed towards his execution, were the typically
pragmatic, "Let's DO IT!"  And so they did ...

Analysis of the "Black Box" recordings from airline crashes shows that the
most common last words are the ever-poetic, "Oh, SHIT!!"  You'd say it too if
it happened to you!

As George Appel was being strapped into the electric chair for his 1952
execution, he remarked, 'We'll folks, you're about to see a baked Appel.'

- Guy Clark was being led to the gallows to be hanged in 1832 when the sheriff
told him to hurry up.  Clark calmly replied, 'Nothing will happen until I get
there.'

- James Donald French was electrocuted in 1966, but on his way to the chair he
had a helpful thought for a waiting newsman: 'I have a terrific headline for
you ... French Fries.'

- James Rodgers stood before a firing squad in 1960 and was asked if he had a
last request. 'Why yes,' he replied.  'A bulletproof vest.'
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Now for another episode from that Stephen Wright material that I
       collected off the 'net a few weeks back - enjoy:
                             ------------------

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital.  They lay there and
looked at each other.  Their families came and took them away.  Eighty years
later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their
deathbeds, next to each other.  One of them looked at the other and said,
"So.  What did you think?"

My grandfather gave me a watch.  It doesn't have any hands or numbers.  He
says it's very accurate.  I asked him what time it was.  You can guess what
he told me.

What are imitation rhinestones?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelt, how would we know?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay
right up there.  Hunters would be all confused.

I wrote a few children's books ... not on purpose.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is.  Every
once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might
have written that."

"So, do you live around here often?"

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself.  Two parts H, one part O.
I don't trust anybody!

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.  They said, "What
for?"  I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings ...  Boy With
Pail ...  Kitten On Fire.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time".  So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the
shape of an Ouija board.  You'd think about what kind of food you want, and
the table would move across the floor to it.

I worked in a health food store once.  A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt
dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.  When I got there, the guy was
locking the front door.  I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours."
He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.  Twenty people were
trapped on the escalators.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas.  I took it to the Gift Wrap
department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know
when to stop unwrapping.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press?  I don't get it ...

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day ...  He said, "Stephen, why haven't
you called me?"  I said, "I can't call everyone I want.  My new phone has no
five on it."  He said, "How long have you had it?"  I said, "I don't know ...
my calendar has no sevens on it."

Today I dialled a wrong number ...  The other person said, "Hello?" and I said,
"Hello, could I speak to Joey?" ...  They said, "Uh ...  I don't think so ...
he's only 2 months old."  I said, "I'll wait."

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish
tank.  I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like
this <<<>>><<>><<<<.  I go down to the pet store - "Gimme another ten guppies,
I got a lotta calls yesterday."

Doing a little work around the house.  I put fake brick wallpaper over a real
brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew.  People come over and I'm
gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it ...it feels real."

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above ... so I never
have to go upstairs.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my
camera to see my way around.  I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my
face.  The neighbours thought there was lightning in my house.

All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night.  I was teasing
them by watering them with ice cubes.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity ... If you wanted
to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head.  If you wanted to
cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road.  I don't know how I got there.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighbourhood
kids, I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll
throw it at them.
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Time for a couple of quick pictorial contributions.  First one is
       again from Jonian Nikolov over in the department of diffraction:

    Email: Click here

       and the other is from Steve Harding:

    Microsoft: Click here
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Back to the old West again now (they seem to be featuring quite
       strongly this week - for no particular reason) and this piece:
                             ------------------

   DEAR DIARY

Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada.  I am so excited.  It's so
beautiful here.  The mountains are so majestic.  Can hardly wait to see them
with snow covering them.

Oct. 14 - Canada.  It is the most beautiful place on earth.  The leaves have
turned all colours and shades of red and orange.  Went for a ride through the
beautiful countryside and saw some deer.  They are so graceful.  Certainly
they are the most wonderful animals on earth.  This must be paradise.  I love
it here.

Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day.  Deer season starts soon.  I can't imagine anyone
wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature.  Hope it snows soon.  I love it
here.

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night.  Woke up to find everything blanketed with
white.  It looks like a postcard.  We went outside and cleaned the snow off
the steps and shovelled the driveway.  We had a snowball fight (I won).  When
the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again.  What a beautiful
place.  I love Canada.

Dec. 12 - More snow last night.  The snow plough did his trick again to the
driveway.  I love it here.

Dec. 19 - More snow last night.  Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to
work.  It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shovelling.  Fucking snow
plough.

Dec. 22 - More of that white shit fell last night.  I've got blisters on my
hands and a sore back from shovelling.  I think the snow plough hides around
the corner until I'm done shovelling the driveway.  Arsehole.

Dec. 25 - Merry Fucking Christmas!  More frigging snow.  If I ever get my
hands on the son-of-a-bitch who drives the snow plough, I swear I'll kill the
bastard.  Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the
fucking ice.

Dec. 27 - More white shit last night.  Been inside for three days now except
for shovelling out the driveway after that snow plough goes through every
time.  Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white shit and it's
so frigging cold.  The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the shit
again tonight.  Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?

Dec. 28 - That fucking weatherman was wrong.  We got 34 inches of the shit
this time.  At this rate it won't melt before summer.  The snow plough got
stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my
shovel.  After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shovelling out
all the shit he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one
over his fucking head.

Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today.  Went to the store to get food
and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car.  Did about $3,000
damage to the car.  Those fucking beasts should be killed.  The bastards are
everywhere.  Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November.

May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town.  Would you believe the thing is
rusted out from all that fucking salt they put all over the roads.

May 10 - Moved to Florida.  I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind
would ever want to live in such a Godforsaken place as Canada.
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


         And another (short) contribution now from Steve Kerassitis
                             ------------------

The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him,
yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.

"No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the
urinals were made of gold."

She said she didn't believe him so she called the bar.  "Hello," she said, "I
just want to ask one question.  My husband claims to have spent the night at
your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold?"

To which she heard the bartender say, "Hey, Clarence, I think we found the guy
who pissed in your saxophone."
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


       This one's almost as short (and equally recent) as Steve's, and was
       just sent by TBXRDC.  Coincidentally, Steve K also forwarded this -
       some time back (in October 1999):
                             ------------------

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys".  I told my wife
that I would be home by midnight ... promise!  Well, the hours passed and the
beer was going down way too easy.  At around 2:30 am, drunk as a skunk, I
headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times.  Quickly, I realised she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed
another 9 times.  I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution,
even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve
o'clock.  She didn't seem disturbed at all.  Whew!  Got away with that one!

Then she told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.  When I asked her why, she
said: "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "Oh f@#k!"
cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled,
cuckooed twice more, and then farted."
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Okay - back over to the U.K. again - this time, for a couple of short
       offerings from Mad Mick (cousin of you-know-who) Rand:
                             ------------------

(Myra Hindley is the 'lifer' whose latest appeal was turned down by Home
Secretary Jack Straw)

   Dear Ms Hindley,

In view of your recent health problems and the costly efforts involved in
transporting, protecting and treating you, I have pleasure in advising you
that you have been allocated your own dedicated physician for your exclusive
use.

Doctor Harold Shipman has had extensive experience in the treatment of older
women, some of who have never had to see another doctor ever again.  Your
appointment with Doctor Shipman is next Monday during which he will decide if
any further consultations will be necessary.  I am sure you will agree that
this cost-saving approach will benefit both you and the rest of the UK
population.

In view of this decision, no further pleas for clemency will be necessary.

     Yours faithfully,

          Jack Straw.
                      ------======######======------

     ... and ...

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman go to a strip club.  They belly up to the
front row and the lady does her stuff.  For the finale, as she waggles her
naked bum in the Englishman's face, he reaches for his wallet, takes out a
tenner, licks it and slaps it on her left buttock.

The stripper moves along and repeats the manoeuvre in front of the Irishman.
He too takes a tenner from his wallet, licks it and slaps it on her right
cheek.

She now confronts the Scot with her backside and wiggles it as before.  He also
removes his wallet, takes out his credit card, swipes it between her cheeks and
takes twenty pounds cashback.
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


  Back to our Westerly list for this final one - it's another one of those
     contributions that's been hiding away in the drawer for a year or more.
     It'll push this weeks humour collection past the 500 line mark, but
     what the heck ... gotta get that cyber-drawer cleaned out a bit:
                             ------------------

                                ADS IN BILLS

Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now?
Like - bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there
with them?

I get back at them.  I put garbage in with my cheque when I mail it in.
Coffee grinds, banana peels ... and then I write, "Could you throw this away
for me?  Thank you!"

                               FABRIC SOFTENER

My wife uses fabric softener.  I never knew what that stuff was for.  Then I
noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off).  That's how
they mark their territory.  You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get
that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

                              MORNING DIFFERENCES

Men and women are different in the morning.  The men wake up aroused in the
morning.  We can't help it.  We just wake up and we want you.  And the women
are thinking, '(How can he want me the way I look in the morning?)'  It's
because we can't see you.  We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

                                 PREGNANCY

It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking.  They say, 'Oh my God.
He's kicking.  Do you wanna feel it?'  I always feel awkward reaching over
there.  Come on!  It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach.  I don't do
that when I have gas. "Oh my god ... Give me your hand ... It won't be long
now ..."

                                  GRANDMA

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior
Citizen'.  You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?  Out
entering wet shawl contests.  Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she
gave you for your birthday.

                             REVERSE LIFE CYCLE

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.  I mean, life is tough.
It takes up a lot of your time.  What do you get at the end of it?  A death.
What's that, a bonus?

I think the life cycle is all backwards.  You should die first, get it out of
the way.  Then you live in an old age home.  You get kicked out when you're too
young, you get a gold watch, you go to work.  You work forty years until you're
young enough to enjoy your retirement.  You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you
get ready for high school.  You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play,
you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the
womb, you spend your last nine months floating ... you finish off as a gleam.

                                  PRISONS

Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner?  Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners
into my house!

I live in Los Angeles.  I already have bars on the windows.  I don't think we
should give free room and board to criminals.  I think they should have to run
twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity.  And if they don't
want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

                                AWARD SHOWS

Can you believe how many award shows they have now?  They have awards for
commercials.  The Cleo Awards.  A whole show full of commercials.  I taped it
and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

                               PHONE-IN POLLS

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?  Did
you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know".

It costs 90 cents to call up and vote.  They're voting "I don't know."

"Honey, I feel very strongly about this - give me the phone ... (into phone)
I DON'T KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud) There!  Sometimes you have to stand up
for what you believe you're not sure about."

This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95. (Into phone): "I'm not
in the mood."

                             ANSWERING MACHINES

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering
machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now.  I hope you
are, too.  The thought for the day is 'Share the love.'  Beep."

"Uh, yeah ...  well, this is the VD clinic calling ... oh, and speaking of
being positive - your test is back.  Stop sharing the love."
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[ End Fri humour ]




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