Friday humour - March 17, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

       Yo,
   Maria Harding, Steve Kerassitis, and Maura McDermott have passed on quite
   a collection of visual humour for you this week (further on) - but first
   up, here are a couple of items that floated past on our old Westerly
   list about a year and a half back:
                            ------------------


                  MEMO TO ALL STAFF FROM THE SAFETY OFFICER

   Dear Staff,

It has been brought to the attention of the management of this organisation
that many staff members have been dying while on duty for no apparent reason.

Furthermore, it also appears that some staff members are refusing to fall over
after they have died.  This, in some cases, has resulted in unearned overtime
payments which are not provided for under our employee benefit program.

Effective immediately, this practice must be DISCONTINUED.

On and after today, any staff member found sitting upright after he/she has
died will be dropped from the payroll at once, without further investigation.
This action is covered by Company Regulation #20 (non-productive labour).

When it can be proven that the employee is being held up by a desk, computer,
drawing board, telephone, or any other means of support which is the property
of the organisation, a one (1) day period of grace will however be granted.

In the event of apparent death, the following procedures will be strictly
adhered to:

1. If, after several hours, it is noted that any staff member has not moved or
opened at least one eye, the department head will investigate.  Because of the
highly sensitive nature and/or origin of some staff members and because of the
close resemblance between death and their normal working attitude, the
investigation will be made quietly so as to avoid waking the staff member if
he/she is in fact merely asleep (which is, of course, permitted under present
union arrangements).

2. If some doubt still exists as to the true condition of the staff member, a
pay slip will be used as the final test.  If the staff member fails to lunge
for the slip, it is reasonable to assume that death has occurred.  However,
note that in some cases the instinct is so strongly developed that a spastic
clutching may occur even after death - do not be misled by this manifestation.

3. In the event that a staff member fails to abandon whatever he/she is doing
at the Tea Break, no investigation is necessary - this is conclusive proof
that rigour mortis has already set in.

     Regards,

       The Management

           ----------==========##########==========----------

   ... and the other ...

                              REMEMBER WHEN?

        A computer was something on TV
        From a science fiction show of note.
        A window was something you hated to clean
        And ram was only a goat
        Meg was the name of my girlfriend and
        A gig was a job for the nights.
        Now they all mean something different
        And that really mega bytes.

        An application was for employment.
        A program was a TV show.
        A cursor used profanity.
        A keyboard was a piano.
        Memory was something
        That you lost with age.
        A CD was a bank account.
        And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy,
        You hoped nobody found out.

        Compress was something you did to the garbage,
        Not something you did to a file.
        And if you unzipped anything in public
        You'd be in jail for a while!
        Log on was adding wood to the fire.
        Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
        A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
        And a backup happened to your commode.

        Cut ... you did with a pocket knife,
        And paste you did with glue.
        A web was only a spider's home,
        And a virus was the flu.
        So I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
        And the memory in my head,
        'Cause though no one's been killed in a computer crash
        When it happens you wish you were dead.
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Now over to Brian D McNicol (UK) for this story (also from Oct '98):
                         ------------------

                    THE OLD MAN AND THE UMBRELLA
                    -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how
he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted.  "I've got an eighteen year old bride
who's pregnant and having my child!  What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story.
I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.  He never missed a season.  But one day
went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead
of his gun."  The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a
grizzly bear appeared in front of him!  He raised up his umbrella, pointed it
at the bear and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "If that really did happen, then
someone else must have shot that bear."

"Yes, that's sort of what I was getting at ..." smiled the doctor.
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


    I've always been a bit of a Steven Wright fan, and I culled these off the
    'net about a week ago (and promptly lost them ... and found them again ...)
                              ------------------

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.  So I
said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.  On the back it said,
"Wish you were here."

My dental hygienist is cute.  Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of
Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby.  Sometimes she has to cancel the
rest of the afternoon's appointments.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 miles an hour, but I wasn't going
to be on the road an hour.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park anywhere near
the place.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.  It was in the
shape of a house.  I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
with me.  I said, "Well, what do you need?"

A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday.  She says if I'm good,
she'll give me the other one next year.

I had amnesia once or twice.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be.  I called someone.  They
went "Aaaaahhhh ..."

The sun never sets on the British Empire.  But it rises every morning.  The
sky must get awfully crowded.

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the cheque is in the mail,
and then you remember it really is?  I'm like that all the time.

I was in the grocery store.  I saw a sign that said "pet supplies".  So
I did.  Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".  --

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think
you're Shakespeare?

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're
reading, reading ... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed?  I'm
like that all the time.

My roommate got a pet elephant.  Then it got lost.  It's in the apartment
somewhere.

Smoking cures weight problems ... eventually ...

I xeroxed my watch.  Now I have time to spare.

I got a garage door opener.  It can't close.  Just open.

There aren't enough days in the weekend.
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Now for the visual humour.  First one was forwarded on by Maria Harding:

   First Time: Click here

    And this collection was forwarded on by Steve Kerassitis:

   A Happy McDonald customer (and Warning Will Robinson - the lewd meter went
   into the red on this first one :) Click here

   Nice Paint Job:  Click here

   Nice Teeshirt:   Click here

   Eye Test:        Click here

    The last two were forwarded to us by Maura McDermott (UK).  It's a PC
    .exe file, so you'll have to save it when prompted, then find it and
    double-click it (you'll need your sound on too):

   Combo 5:    Click here
   Now ... Charlie:    Click here
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Okay - now back to the ASCII stuff.  Here's something that just came
     in from Doc E J Frazer (originally from his mate over at Telstra):
                              ------------------

Hot on the heels of the success of the show, "Who Wants to Marry a
Multi-Millionaire?", welcome to "Who Wants to Marry a Software Engineer?",
Silicon Valley's newest game show.

Here's your contestant questionnaire ...

1) What quality do you value most in your partner?

a) A sense of humour
b) Emotional maturity
c) High bandwidth

2) When you get home at the end of the day, you like to:

a) Turn on the Silicon Valley Business report, and eat dinner
b) Hook up to your ISP, and check out the hit count on your web page
c) Recharge your bat phone, laptop, and wireless modem, change batteries
   on your pager, and resynchronise your Palm Pilot and home computer

3) Your ideal partner is:

a) Interesting and attractive.
b) Emotionally mature and understanding.
c) Extensible and polymorphic.

4) In spiritually difficult times, you often turn to:

a) Dilbert.
b) Kernighan and Ritchie.
c) comp.lang.c++

5) If go over to your partner's place and think its a mess, you would:

a) Complain to him/her, and tell them to tidy up.
b) Call a maid service.
c) make clean

6) What kind of car would you like to buy next, and why?

a) A BMW, because people will see that I am rich and successful.
b) A Jeep, because it's youthful, rugged, and won't break down.
c) A Honda, because the engine control computer can be hacked for more
   horsepower.

7) If your partner comes home from work complaining bitterly about his/her
   boss, you will:

a) Give him/her a hug, pour a drink, and tell him/her you love him/her.
b) Commiserate about how unfair managers can be.
c) Forge the boss's e-mail address, and subscribe him/her to 17 pornography
   mailing lists.

8) Name the 4 essential food groups:

a) Fruit, vegetables, meat, dairy.
b) Coffee, chocolate, takeout, ice cream.
c) rec.food.cooking, rec.food.veg, ba.food, alt.food.chocolate

9) You like to travel with your partner because:

a) You share new experiences together.
b) You learn about each other in different situations.
c) You get more use out of your wireless modem.

10) How would you describe your attitude towards religion?

a) "I'm not particularly religious."
b) "I believe in emacs, but can use vi."
c) "I think emacs can be configured as a full IDE."

11) You think a relationship is ready for permanent commitment because:

a) You've successfully struggled through several years of good and bad times.
b) You're already living together, so you might as well tie the knot.
c) You finally got your local network configured just right.

12) If you and your partner got married, you would want to:

a) Keep your last name.
b) Change your last name.
c) Combine your names with a hyphen.
d) Combine your names with an underscore.

13) You and your partner think it's time to have children when:

a) Your stock options are vested.
b) You've agreed on the requirements and design.
c) You've come up with a good naming convention.
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Now for another David McCallum contribution (and yep - it's clean):
                              ------------------

Mary Poppins was travelling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to
stop at a hotel for the night.  She approached the receptionist and asked for a
room for the night.

"Certainly ma'am," he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Ah, I'm sorry - no," came the reply, "but room service is available all
night.  Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it.  "Hmmm ... I would like
cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly, madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled.

"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the
night.  The night passed uneventfully, and the next morning Mary came down
early to check out.  The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning m'am ... did you sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional - I don't think
I've had better.  Shame about the eggs, though ... they really weren't that
nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh ... well, perhaps you could contribute those thoughts to our Guest -
Comments Book.  We are always looking to improve our service and we'd value
your opinion," said the receptionist.

"Thankyou, I will" replied Mary, who finished checking out, and then scribbled
her comment into the book.  Then, waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had
written.

It read: "Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious"
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Now - after all those sexist blonde jokes from last week, this
    contribution from Maura McDermott (UK) may redress the balance slightly:
                              ------------------

                         A TWO YEAR DEGREE (For Men)

A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many men should
be interested in - Becoming a Real Man.

That's right, in just six trimesters, they can be real men-as well as earn an
MA degree (Male of Arts).  Please take a moment to look over the program
outline.

    FIRST YEAR
  Autumn Schedule:

MEN 101     Combating Stupidity
MEN 102     You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103     PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104     We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas

   Winter Schedule:

MEN 110     Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111     Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am.
MEN 112     Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100     Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101     Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A   What's Hers is Hers

   Spring Schedule:

MEN 120     How NOT to Act Like a Idiot When You're Wrong
MEN 121     Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122     YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123     Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001B   What Was Yours is Hers

                           SECOND YEAR
  Autumn Schedule:

SEX 101     You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102     Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103     How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201     How to Put the Toilet Seat Down

Elective        (See Electives Below)

   Winter Schedule:

MEN 210     The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211     How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212     You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213     Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A    Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1

   Spring Schedule:

MEN 220     Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221     Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222     Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223     Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B    Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2

   Course Electives:

EAT 101     Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102     Utilisation of Eating Utensils
EAT 103     Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231     mothers-in-law
MEN 232     Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233     Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C   Cheaper to Keep Her
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Now for some one-liners - these forwarded on by Maria Harding:
                              ------------------

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down
the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dish-washing liquid made
with real lemons?

Are part-time band leaders semiconductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


    And finally for the week - another recent contribution from Martha Ruth H:
                              ------------------

After forty days and forty nights of rain, the Ark settled on Mount Ararat
and Noah, his wife and all the birds and animals saved from the great
flood, set about restoring life to normal.

As the waters receded, God noticed that his favourite fish were struggling to
survive.  God came forth to Noah and said: "Noah.  I need you to fulfill another
mission for me."

"Yes, my Lord.  Tell me of your request and I shall obey."

"Noah.  My favourite fish, the carp, is in danger.  You must build for me
another Ark.  One that can hold all the different varieties of this mighty
fish.  The Queen Carp is my favourite and must be separated from the River
Carp.  The Deep Sea Carp must be separated from the Fresh Water Carp.  All the
carp must be separated to save their species."

Obeying God's wish, Noah went about building the Ark.  His plan was to
separate the carp by building different levels, and filling those levels with
similar water from the carps natural environment.  Noah's wife (Joan) came to
Noah to ask what he was doing.  Noah explained God's mission for him - to save
the carp.

Joan asked:  "So what are you building?"

Noah replied:


(WAIT FOR IT)






















(IT'S WORTH WAITING FOR)






















(OR IS IT?)






















(I WON'T HOLD THE SUSPENSE ANYMORE)






















(OR WILL I ...?)





















(OH, OKAY THEN)


Noah said: "I'm building the very first MULTI-STOREY CARP ARK"
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[ End Fri humour ]



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