Friday humour - March 10, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

        Yo,
   Most of this weeks lot were selected from around April of last year (1999),
   except for the pudding story.  Quite a few blonde jokes from this period,
   and some dog ones as well ... musta been that sort of month for people :-)

   But a bit of house-keeping just before we start - last weekend, I set up a
   "archive" for Friday humour on the home server.  To get at this, just go to
   Click here and get what you need :)  BTW - note that

   until the end of 1997, these humour mailouts were quite short!

   To humour now - and a few people have contributed some visual stuff again
   this week - but firstly (in the ASCII department) this advice from out west:
                             -----------------


                              RULES OF THE LAB

1.  When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.

2.  Experiments must be reproducible - they should fail the same way each time.

3.  First draw your curves, then plot your data.

4.  Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.

5.  A record of data is essential, it shows you were working.

6.  To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.

7.  To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.

8.  If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and
    derive the question.

9.  If that doesn't work, start at both ends and try to find a common middle.

10. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

11. Do not believe in miracles --- rely on them.

12. Team work is essential.  It allows you to blame someone else.

13. All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.

14. Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use
    can be made of it.(Law of Spontaneous Fission)
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        Over to Nestor at ANL in Illinois now and a few great one-liners:
                             -----------------

                      YOU KNOW IT'S A BAD DAY WHEN...

You jump out of bed and miss the floor.

You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

The blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

Your income tax refund cheque bounces.

You put your bra on backwards, and it fits better.

Suicide Prevention puts you on hold.

Your twin forgets your birthday

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren't
any.

You turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your
city.

The woman/man you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your
wife/husband.

You wake up to discover that your water bed broke, and then you realise that
you don't have a water bed.

Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of
Hell's Angels on the freeway.

Your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and good news..."

Your ex-lover calls and tells you he/she has 6 days to live, and that you'd
better get the Test!

You wake up at work naked in front of your co-workers.

Your lover tells you, "I'm sub-letting another apartment and the movers are
here to move me."

You have an appointment in 10 minutes, and you just woke up.

You need your chocoholic fix and the government just banned chocolate!

You get a rejection notice from the HUMOUR List saying that you're no longer
funny ...
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     Now to one from Dave Moors, entitled MORE TRUE STORIES.  Very topical,
     with all the current furore in Oz over poor conditions in Nursing Homes
     for our Elderly:
                             -----------------

    This is a copy of an actual letter Sony received soon after running a
    competition:

  Dear Sir,

God bless you for the beautiful radio your Company donated as a prize at our
recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I was the lucky one to win it.

I am 86 years old and live at the Country home for the aged.  All my people
have gone and it was nice to have someone think of me.

God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.  My room mate is 95
and has always had her own radio but would never let me listen to it.

The other day her radio fell and broke into lots of pieces.  It was just awful.
She asked me if she could listen to my new radio and I told her to get fucked.

        Sincerely,

               Elsa McEvoy
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       Briefly back to the westerly mob now for this 'blonde' piece:
                             -----------------

                               THE EXECUTION

Three women were about to be executed.  One was a brunette, one a redhead, and
the other a blonde.  The guard brought the first woman, the brunette, forward
and the executioner asked if she had any last requests.  She said no and the
executioner shouted: "... Ready ... Aim ... !! and suddenly the brunette
yelled, "EARTHQUAKE!"  Everyone was startled and looked around.  She escaped.

So they brought up the redhead and asked if she had any last requests.  She
said no, and the executioner shouted: "... Ready ...  Aim...!! and suddenly
the redhead yelled "TORNADO!"  Everyone was startled and looked around.  She
escaped.

Well, by now, the blonde had it all figured out.  They brought her forward and
the executioner asked if she had any last requests.  She said no and the
executioner shouted: "... Ready ... Aim ... !! and the blonde yelled, "FIRE!"
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     Okay - some pics now.  The first one was contributed by two of us quite
     independently - Lan Vu last week, and then Christian Doblin this week.
     Being a Powerpoint "show", you may need to click on "Slide Show" ->
     "View Show" to get it rolling:

   Stress Relief: Click here

   These 4 were posted by Dave Moors (and also by someone around here who's
   name I've mislaid, damn it):

   Bank Logo 1:   Click here

   Bank Logo 2:   Click here

   Bank Logo 3:   Click here

   Bank Logo 4:   Click here

   And finally, this one from Paul Fazey:

   N Z farmer:    Click here
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    This next piece is a recent contribution that must be "doing the rounds",
    because it's now been forwarded on by FOUR of you.  Paul Fazey was first,
    closely followed by Dave Moors, then David at Telstra, and now finally
    by David (Fifi) McCallum.  (So it obviously has good ratings :)  This is
    actually Fifi's copy - his was the most nicely formatted:
                             -----------------

                               THE PUDDING

At this point, two things seem clear: It will be a very long time before David
Phillips will have to pay for another airline ticket.  And it will be even
longer before the poor and homeless people in the Sacramento area will want to
see another cup of chocolate pudding.

David Phillips, a civil engineer at UC-Davis, has become a cult hero in the
obsessive subculture of people who collect frequent-flier miles by parlaying
$3,150 worth of pudding into 1.2 million miles.  Oh, yeah - he's also going to
claim an $815 tax write-off.  Last May, Phillips was pushing his shopping cart
down the frozen-food aisle of his local supermarket when a promotion on a
Healthy Choice frozen entree caught his eye: He could earn 500 miles for every
10 Universal Product Codes (bar codes) from Healthy Choice products he sent to
the company by Dec.31.

Even better: Any bar codes mailed by the end of the month would rack up double
the mileage, or 1,000 miles for every 10 labels. "I started doing the math,
and I realised that this was a great deal," he said.

"I wanted to take my family to Europe this summer, and this could be the way."

Frozen entrees were about $2 apiece, but a few aisles away Phillips found cans
of Healthy Choice soups at 90 cents each.  He filled his cart with them, and
then headed to his local Grocery Outlet, a warehouse-style discount store.  And
there he hit the mother lode. "They had individual servings of chocolate
pudding for 25 cents apiece," he said. "And each serving had its own bar code
on it.  I did some more math and decided to escalate my plans."  Phillips
cleaned the store out - bought every last cup of pudding in the warehouse.

He then asked the manager for the addresses of all the other Grocery Outlets
in the Central Valley and, with his mother-in-law riding shotgun in his van,
spent a weekend scouring the shelves of every store from Davis to Fresno.
"There were 10 stores in all," he said. "Luckily, most of them were right off
the freeway."  He filled his garage to the rafters with chocolate pudding and
stacked additional cases in his living room.

But Phillips wasn't finished yet - he had the manager of his local Grocery
Outlet order him 60 more cases. "A few days later I went out behind the
store," he said, "and there were two whole pallets of chocolate pudding with
my name on them."  All in all, he'd purchased 12,150 individual servings of
pudding.  Around this time, Phillips began to reveal his scheme to fellow
readers of the Webflyer Web site (www.flyertalk.com), where he posted an
account under the name "Pudding Guy."  Phillips' tale was met with skepticism,
if not outright disbelief, until he uploaded photos of his haul. (They're
still there, at Click here

But then Pudding Guy discovered he had a problem on his hands: The deadline
for earning double miles was quickly approaching, and there was simply no way
Phillips and his wife could tear off all those bar codes in time. "I had to
come up with something to do with all that pudding, fast" he said.  Phillips
trucked the pudding to two local food banks and the Salvation Army, which
agreed to tear off the bar codes in exchange for the food donation.

"We'd never seen anything like it," said Larry Hostetler, community relations
director for the Sacramento Salvation Army. "We've gotten some big donations,
but always from companies and institutions, not individual people."

Phillips got his bar codes in the mail in time to beat the deadline, and then
held his breath.  The promotion specifically said I could get the miles for any
Healthy Choice product," he said. "But still, it seemed like there was a good
chance they'd get me on some technicality."  But then packages - large packages -
started arriving in the mail from Healthy Choice.  In all, they contained
2,506 certificates, each good for 500 miles.  That's 1,253,000 miles.

Under the terms of the promotion, Phillips could have the mileage posted in
any airline account.  He split 216,000 between his United, Delta and Northwest
accounts and posted the rest - 1,037,000 miles *to his American Airlines
account.  By surpassing the million-mile mark, Pudding Guy now has AAdvantage
Gold status for life, entitling him to a special reservations number, priority
boarding, upgrades and bonus miles.

While we talked on the phone, Pudding Guy did a little math - as you might
have noticed by now, he's very, very good at math - and figured out that
scheme netted him enough miles for 31 round-trip coach tickets to Europe, or
42 tickets to Hawaii, or 21 tickets to Australia, or 50 tickets anywhere in
the U.S.

"Wow - 31 trips to Europe for a little over $3,000," I said. "That's less than
$100 a ticket."

"Oh, it's better than that," Phillips said. "Since I gave the pudding to
charity I can take a tax write-off of $815.  So that brings the cost of a
ticket to Europe down to $75."

As it turns out, Pudding Guy didn't donate all his stash to the food banks.  He
kept about 100 servings for himself, and he's just about finished them.

"Actually," he said, "I really like the stuff." -San Francisco Examiner
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      Time for another one from Kodak Kate ... well, that's where she was
      when she forwarded this on back in April:
                             -----------------

We at VW feel that members of our UK operation could benefit from knowing a
bit of German.  This should avoid embarrassment at our inter-departmental
meetings.  Therefore, before the next technical meeting please make the effort
to read and inwardly digest the following:

INDICATORS - Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken

SPEEDOMETER - Der Egobooster

PUNCTURE - Die Phlatte mit Bludyfucken

WINDSCREEN WIPER - Die Fippenflappenschittenspredden

FOOTBRAKE - Der Edbangenonvindskreen stoppenquik

BREATHALYSER - Die Puffintem fur Pistenarsen

SEATBELT - Der Klunkenklicken Frauleintrapper

HEADLIGHTS - Das Dippendontdazzle ubastud

FOG WARNING - Die Puttenfutdownen Fukit

TRAFFIC JAM - Der Bluddifukkin damnunblasten

BACKFIRE - Der Lowdenbangen mekkenme Fuckenjumpen

SEMI TRAILER - Der Fukkengret trucken

ACCIDENT - Der Bleedinmess

NEAR ACCIDENT - Der Fucken neer schittenselfen

CYCLIST - Pedalpushen pilloken

REAR VIEW MIRROR - Der Yokhunter TooKlosen
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     Another brief visit to the old west again - this time for some UK
     newspaper "odd spots":
                             -----------------

From The Gloucester Citizen: 'A sex line caller complained to Trading
Standards.  After dialling an  0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear
Me Moan", the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for
failing to do jobs around the house.  Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to
look into the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved."'

From The Telegraph in a piece headed "Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save
Prostitutes": "... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes'
pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life.  We will be
training them for new positions in hotels."

From The Derby Abbey Community News: "We apologise for the error in the last
edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police
Force'.  This was a typographical error.  We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is
a Detective in the Police Farce."

From The Guardian: "After being charged 20 pounds for a 10-pound overdraft,
30-year-old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to
"Yorkshire Bank PLC are Fascist Bastards".  The Bank has now asked him to close
his account, and Mr Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by
cheque, made out in his new name."

From The Manchester Evening News: "Police, called to arrest a naked man on the
platform at Piccadilly  Station, released their suspect after he produced a
valid rail ticket."

Phreakers, or 'phone hackers, managed to break into the telephone system of
'Weight Watchers' in Glasgow, and changed the outgoing message to 'Hello, you
fat bastard.'

From the Churchdown Parish Magazine: "Would the Congregation please note that
the bowl at the back of the  Church, labelled "For The Sick", is for monetary
donations only.'
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     Now to another contribution Martha R Hills, and this little doggy
     piece to hang up on your 'fridge
                             -----------------

                             DOG PROPERTY LAWS

1.  If I like it, it's mine.
2.  If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3.  If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4.  If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5.  If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6.  If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7.  If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8.  If I saw it first, it's mine.
9.  If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically
    becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

                       HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME

1.  Both take up too much space on the bed.
2.  Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3.  Both mark their territory.
4.  Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5.  The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6.  Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7.  Neither does any dishes.
8.  Both fart shamelessly.
9.  Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

                       HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

1.  Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2.  Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3.  Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4.  Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5.  Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6.  Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch (and they never laugh how
    you throw.)
7.  You can train a dog.
8.  Dogs are easy to buy for.
9.  The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.  (OK, the really
    worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for
    it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

              TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN

10. A dog's parents will never visit you.
9.  A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8.  A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7.  A dog never expects you to telephone.
6.  A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5.  A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4.  A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
3.  A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2.  The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
1.  A dog does not shop.

                     LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG

1.  If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2.  Don't go out without ID.
3.  Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on
    their shoes.
4.  Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5.  Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6.  Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is
    effective.
7.  When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're
    dragged out from under the bed).
8.  If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

     And finally:

  You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look
  that says, "My God, you're right!  I never would've thought of that!"
      * Dave Barry
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       This next one's another of those where I've somehow lost the name of
       the contributor, so (if it's you) - my apologies:
                             -----------------

                                THREE WISHES

Three women were out golfing one day, and one of them hit her ball into the
woods.  She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you
three wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to
mention - there's a condition to your wishes.  Whatever you wish for, your
husband will get it too - 10 times over or even better!"

The woman thought about this, then decided "Why not - that's okay".  So for
her first wish, she asked to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her "You do realise this wish will also make your husband the
most handsome man in the world - an Adonis - that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That's okay - if I'm the most beautiful woman, he will
only have eyes for me anyway!"

So - poof - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she decided that she wanted to be the richest woman in
the world.  The frog warned again, "That will make you husband the richest man
in the world, and don't forget - he'll be ten times richer than you."

Again the woman was calm. "Arr, why not - what is mine is his and what is his
is mine ...!"

So - poof - she's the richest woman in the world.

The frog then asked for her third and final wish.

"Hmmmm ... okay, now I think I'd like a mild heart attack..."
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     And to finish off for this week - a couple of blonde jokes I picked
     up off our westerly list:
                             -----------------

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a Happy Mother's Day
message to her mum overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed, "I don't have any
money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother!

The man arched an eyebrow, "Anything?"

"Yes, anything," the blonde promised.

With that, the man said, "Follow me." He walked into the next room and said,
"Come on, get in here and close the door."

She did. He then said, "Get on your knees."

She did. He then said, "Take down my zipper." She did. He then said, "Go ahead
take it out." She took it out, grabbed hold with both hands then paused.

The man closed his eyes, and whispered, "Well...go ahead!"

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close
to her lips, tentatively said, "Hello, Mum?!"
                             -----------------

    ... and ...


A Blonde was down on her luck.  In order to raise some money, she decided to
kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told
him, "I've kidnapped you!"

She then wrote a note which said:

"I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put
it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground.
     A Blonde".

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show
it to his parents.

The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting
beneath the pecan tree.  The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000
with a note that said, "How COULD you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
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[ End Fri humour ]



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