Friday humour - February 25, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Yo,
After that contribution from Kate D H last week (the "IQ" test), it occurred
to me to try and include more puzzles where possible.  My own resources of
these are pretty limited, but here's one from a favourite old book of mine
entitled "Mathematical Puzzles and Diversions" by Martin Gardiner:
                            ----------------------

                                 PUZZLE

A young man lives in Manhattan near a subway express station.  He has two
girlfriends, one in Brooklyn, one in the Bronx.  To visit the girl in
Brooklyn, he takes the train on the downtown side of the platform; to visit
the girl in the Bronyx, he takes a train on the uptown side of the same
platform.

Since he likes both girls equally well, he simply takes the first train that
comes along.  In this way he lets chance determine whether he rides to the
Bronx or Brooklyn.

He reaches the subway platform at a random moment each Saturday afternoon.
Trains to Brooklyn and the Bronx arrive equally often - every 10 minutes.
Yet for some obscure reason he finds himself spending most of his time with
the girl in Brooklyn - in fact, on average he ends up there nine times out of
ten.  Why?
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Onto some humour now.  This lot are mainly contributions that have been
     "waiting in the wings" for a year or so - from Jan/Feb of 1999.  (And
     yes - there are some more images to click on further in :-)

     First up - another contribution from the prolific David McCallum:
                            ----------------------

It seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra
things left in his bag of creations.  So, he decided to split them between
Adam and Eve.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability
to stand up while urinating.  "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple,
who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted
the ability".

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me!  I'd love to!  Please, oh
please, oh please, let me have that ability.  It'd be so great!  When I'm out
working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let
it fly!  It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand.  Oh, please God,
let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!!"
On and on he went, like an excited little boy who ... well ... had to pee.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he
should have it.  It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy,
and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.  And so,
Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his micturition while
in a vertical position.  He was so happy, he celebrated by wetting down the
bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.

And it was good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "Now - what's
left in here ...?"

"Ah yes," he finally said, "Multiple orgasms..."
   --------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Martha Ruth Hills also contributed a few around this time - here's
     one short sample:
                            ----------------------

It was a hot day in Minnesota.  Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in
the oven, then went downstairs to pick up some dry cleaning.  "Gootness, it's
hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main street.

She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a
seat at the bar.  The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to
drink.

"Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer."

The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"

Helga blushed and replied "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Okay - now for a somewhat longer contribution - from Peter Guy:
                            ----------------------

                          MEN AND WOMEN COMPARED

      NICKNAMES:

If Emma, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each
other Emma, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle.

But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a pint, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
                                -=##=-

      EATING OUT:

When the bill arrives, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20, even
though it's only for $22.50.  None of them will have anything smaller, and none
will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
                                -=##=-

      MONEY:

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
                                -=##=-

      BATHROOMS:

A man has five items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar
of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.  A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.
                                -=##=-

      ARGUMENTS:

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
                                -=##=-

      CATS:

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
(Except for me, of course!)
                                -=##=-

      FUTURE:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
                                -=##=-

      SUCCESS:

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
                                -=##=-

      MARRIAGE:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
                                -=##=-

      DRESSING UP:

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
                                -=##=-

      NATURAL:

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
                                -=##=-

      OFFSPRING:

Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist
appointments and romances, best friends and favourite foods and secret fears
and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


       And a nice short one off our old westerly list ...
                            ----------------------

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man
standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink
envelopes with hearts all over them.  He then takes out a perfume bottle and
starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, the guy goes up to the balding man
and asks him what he's doing.

The man explains "I'm sending out 1000 Valentine cards, all signed as
'Guess Who?!'".

"But why would you do that?" asks the guy.

"Just drumming up some business," the man replies. "I'm a divorce lawyer."
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Back to our "shortest ever contribution" competition now, with this
      contender that was forwarded on by Jean:
                            ----------------------

A woman went into a bar and asked the barman for a Double Entendre.

He gave her one.
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


     I honestly don't remember who sent this next piece.  Quite short:
                            ----------------------

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your fucking act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show
it to you."
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Time for a few more bits of "graphic" material.  As with most of
       last weeks lot, these have been taken from the humour archive of
       our westerly list.  Sitting on my server at home, so 5-10 seconds
       for each to load:

    Allow me:  Click here

    KFC:  Click here

    Not my day:  Click here

    His and Hers:  Click here
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


     This next piece, forwarded on by Eric Frazer, is mainly aimed at
     computer programmers.  So it's a little bit "in" (although there'd be
     very few scientists who've never done any programming nowadays):
                            ----------------------

                 HIPPOCRATIC OATH FOR SOFTWARE ENGINEERS

Never write a line of code that someone else can understand.

Make the simplest line of code appear complex.  Use long counter intuitive
names.  Don't ever code "a=b", rather do something like:

   AlphaNodeSemaphore=*(int)(&(unsigned long)(BetaFrameNodeFarm));

Type fast; think slow.

Never use direct references to anything ever.  Bury everything in macros.
Bury the macros in include files.  Reference those include files indirectly
from other include files.  Use macros to reference those include files.

Never include a comment that will help someone else understand your code.
If they understand it, they don't need you.

Never generate new sources.  Always ifdef the old ones.  Every binary in the
world should be generated from the same sources.

Never archive all the sources necessary to build a binary.  Always hide on
your own disk.  If they can build your binary, they don't need you.

Never code a function to return a value.  All functions must return a pointer
to a structure which contains a pointer to a value.

Never discuss things in concrete terms.  Always speak in abstract.  If they
can understand you, they don't need you.

Never complete a project on time.  If you do, they will think it was easy and
anyone can do it and they don't need you.

When someone stops by your office to ask a question, talk forever but don't
answer the question.  If they get their questions answered they don't need you.

Load all sentences either written or spoken with alphabet soup.  When someone
asks you out to lunch, reply:

"I can't because I've almost got my RISC-based OSI/TCP/IP client connected by
BIBUS VMS VAX using SMTP over TCP sending SNMP inquiry results to be
encapsulated in UDP packets for transmission to a SUN 4/280 NFS 4.3 BSD with
release 3.6 of RPC/XDR supporting our ONC effort working."

Never clean your office.  Absolutely never throw away an old listing.

Never say hello to someone in hallway.  Absolutely never address someone by
name.  If you must address someone by name, mumble or use the wrong name.
Always maintain the mystique of being spaced out from concentrating on complex
logic.

Never wear a shirt that matches your pants.  Wear a wrinkled shirt whenever
possible.  Your shirt must never be tucked in completely.  Button the top
button without wearing a tie.  This will maximise your mystique.
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


      And to finish off with for the week, this (long-ish) contribution from
      Steve Harding.  It's mainly concerned with one person's reaction to
      "Email Chain Letters":
                            ----------------------

   Hello,

My name is Basmati Kasaar.  I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor
scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed
by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding fifty billion f**king
chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them
on, then that poor f**king six-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her
forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her
redneck parents sell her off to the travelling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you
send his email to $1000?  How stupid are you?

Ooooh, looky here!  If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid
by every Playboy Bunny in the magazine!  What a bunch of f**king bullsh*t.

So basically, this message is a big "F**K YOU!" to all the people out there
who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards.
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and
sodomise me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started in 5
A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and
if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World
Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.  F**k them.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly
f**king amusing.  I've seen all the 'send this to fifty of your closest
friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive
a nickel from some omniscient being' forwards about ninety times.

I don't f**king care.  Show a little intelligence and think about what you're
actually contributing to by sending out forwards.  Chances are it's your own
unpopularity.

THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:

      Chain Letter Type 1: ( scroll down) Make a wish!!!














Keep Scrolling
















No, really, go on and make one!!!















Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!
















Wish something else!!!


















Not that, you pervert!!
















STOP!!!!

Wasn't that fun? :) Hope you made a great wish :) Now, to make you feel guilty,
here's what I'll do.  First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in
the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high
building into a pile of manure.

It's true!  Because, THIS letter isn't like those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!
Really!!

Here's how it goes:

*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them
a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending
them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending
them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.

*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending
them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house.

Thanks!!!!  Good Luck!!!
                                -=##=-


      Chain Letter Type 2:

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter.  You see, there is a starving
little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents,
and no goats.  This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time
you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving, Legless,
Armless, Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.

Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the e-mails sent and
this is all a complete load of bullsh*t.  So go on, reach out.  Send this to 5
people in the next 47 seconds.  Oh, and a reminder - if you don't send this to
4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.

Thanks again!!
Good Luck!
                                -=##=-


      Chain Letter Type 3:

Hi there!!  This chain letter has been in existence since 1897.  This is
absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many
sad pricks with nothing better to do.  So this is how it works ... pass this on
to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to
you like:

*Bizarre Horror Story #1:
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday.  She had recently
received this letter and ignored it.  She then tripped in a crack in the
sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of
poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall.  Not only did she smell nasty,
she died.  This Could Happen To You!!!

*Bizarre Horror Story #2:
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it.
Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his girlfriend.  They both died
and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for
eternity.

This Could Happen To You Too!!!

Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip.  Just send this letter to
all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.
                                -=##=-


      Chain Letter Type 4:

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote.  Send it to all your friends.

FRIENDS:
A friend is someone who is always at your side.  A friend is someone who likes
you even though you stink of sh*t, and your breath smells like you've been
eating catfood.  A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as ugly
as a hat full of a**holes.  A friend is someone who cleans up for you after
you've soiled yourself.  A friend is someone who stays with you all night while
you cry about your sad, sad life.  A friend is someone who pretends they like
you when they really think you should be raped by mad gorillas, then thrown
to vicious dogs.  A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because
he wants his wish of being rich to come true.  Now pass this on!  If you don't,
you'll never have sex ever again!
                                -=##=-


   The point being?

If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or
luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.  If it's funny, send it on.
Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana
with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only
savior is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail,
otherwise you'll end up like Miranda.  Right?  Now forward this to everyone
that you know, otherwise you'll find all your undies missing tomorrow morning.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Ah - almost forgot - the answer to that train/girlfriend puzzle ...

Although both train lines are on a strict 10 minute running schedule, the Bronx
train always arrives one minute after the Brooklyn train.  Since his arrival
at the station is random, that puts the odds 9 to 1 in favour of Brooklyn.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Fri humour ]




 Previous (February 18, 2000)  Index Next (March 03, 2000)