Friday humour - February 18, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    The humour is a titch late this week because I was unable to log into
    work from home to send it (which is what I normally do after I've
    strung it all together on a Thursday night).  But we've sorted out the
    problem now and fetched it up the line (from my server), so let's go!

    A few cartoons are included again this week, but first up, some ASCII
    material, beginning with this David (Fifi) McCallum offering:

The National Taxi drivers' organisation has asked my friend Togetherness
Tshabalala, the demon taxi driver of Diepsloot, to road-test new, safer,
18 seater and 35 seater maxi-taxis.

The transport Minister wants these vehicles to replace the notoriously
dangerous minibus taxis.  Togetherness's report has caused a stir among
the manufacturers.

Maxi taxi road test by Togetherness Tshabalala:

"My test shows that the 35-seater holds 157 passengers, at a squeeze so to
speak.  The roof managed to support a good three tons of luggage, chickens
and building material.  This is a big advantage over the minibuses.

Despite a cargo of this magnitude, during my test run to Pietersburg, the
vehicle handled well and experienced very few serious accidents.  At one time
the back assembly became incandescent because the handbrake had been left
on.  This ignited the petrol tank but most of the passengers managed to alight.

We managed to repair the bus at the roadside with pieces of corrugated iron
and a hammer and resumed our journey.  The bus, now reduced to a 26 seater,
was in fact now much easier to handle, cornering at speed.

I liked the 18-seater.  It can accommodate 77 passengers - nine under the seats
and one in the spacious engine compartment (at reduced fare).  It put up
an impressive performance on the Soweto route but only after the electronic
speed governor had been neutralised by striking it with a pipe wrench.  This
speed control device will not be well accepted.  Crawling down the Soweto
Highway at a governed 60km/h would certainly be inviting parking tickets as
well as hubcap thieves.

Talking of which, the wheels in both versions do not take BMW hubcaps - the
drivers are not going to like this.

The automatic hydraulic door is a big advantage over the minibus's sliding
door.  If the passengers' appendages are left sticking out, the sliding doors
tend to guillotine them off, causing much smarting of the eyes.  I was pleased
to note that the maxi-taxi's automatic doors, as they swing shut, tend to
relatively painlessly compress the passenger-load as opposed to trimming
its edges.  Passengers are going to welcome this.  Seat belts on all seats -
this cuts by one third the number of passengers who are propelled to the
front of the vehicle every time the brakes are applied.

A warning: these buses may be safer than combi taxis but, when one is forced
to take to the pavements in rush hour, they are decidedly less safe and
badly frighten the pedestrians.  However, the power steering does allow one
to jink among the traffic lanes without rolling the vehicle, which is a big
time saver."

     Steve [redacted] tells me he's now back in Oz (having returned via
     Egypt, Malaysia, NZ, and down the East coast of Oz from Bundaberg),
     and he's just forwarded this one on:

Little Johnny was doing very badly in maths.  His parents tried everything -
tutors, flash cards, special learning centres, in short, everything that they
could think of.  Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Johnny down and
enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Johnny comes home with a very serious look on his
face.  He doesn't kiss his mother hello.  Instead, he goes straight to his room
and starts studying.  Books and papers are spread out all over the room and
Little Johnny is hard at work.

His mother is amazed.  She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the
minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he
is back hitting the books as hard as before.

This goes on for some time - day after day - while the Mother tries to
understand what made all the difference.

Finally, Little Johnny brings home his report card.  He quietly lays it on the
table and goes up to his room and hits the books.  With great trepidation,
his mum looks at it and, to her surprise, little Johnny got an A in Maths.

She can no longer hold her curiosity.  She goes to his room and says: "Son,
what was it?  Was it the Nuns?"

Little Johnny looks at her and shakes his head.

"Well then," she asks "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the
uniform ... what WAS it??"

Little Johnny looks at her and explains, "Well, on the first day of school,
when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they were f&*#ing serious!"

      Mat Greene (over at CUB) just forwarded this offering:

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting, on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through
the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet" replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it.  I'm going to call it
Earth, and it's going to be a place of great balance"

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, For example, Northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Southern Europe
is going to be poor.  And the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.

"And over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a
continent of black people"  God continued, pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and
covered in ice"

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass in the
top corner and asked, "But what's that one?"

"Ah - now", said God. "That's Australia - the most glorious place on Earth.
There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, stream and an exquisite
coast-line.  The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're
going to be found travelling the world.  They'll be extremely sociable, hard-
working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as
diplomats and carriers of peace.  I'm also going to give them super-human,
undefeatable football and cricket players who will be admired and feared by
all who meet them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then cried "But ... you said
there'd be BALANCE!"

God replied "That's right - and just wait until you see the ugly, whining,
sheep rooting Kiwi bastards that I've put next to them!"

      Now - remember the constitutional pre-amble debacle, hmmmm?  Well,
      here's a little something that recently popped up on westerly list:

                 THE POST-AMBLE

         I love a sunscreened country
         Its ranks of unemployed
         Its eyesores built by Seidler
         Its art by Arthur Boyd

         Our kids are all drug addicts
         Our businessmen are crooks
         Our pollies are a bunch of clowns
         Who couldn't raffle chooks.

         But that is our tradition
         We're rugged and we're tough
         And because we live in paradise
         We couldn't give a stuff.

         When first we came from England
         We stole it from the blacks
         And now we won't apologise
         In case they want it back.

         But we have a great vision
         A great Australian dream
         For every bloke a barbie,
         Two cars, a football team.

         A fenced-off yard with dogs in
         Or else a harbour view;
         A school to put the sprogs in
         And after, a dole queue.

         And how I love the mateship
         What Australia's all about
         And no, it's not corruption,
         We just help each other out.

         For we're battlers and we're bludgers
         We'll fight for a fair go
         We're drinkers and we're drivers
         And we always will be so.

         And pity help the bastard
         Who runs this country down
         For like the tallest poppy
         They'll soon be brought to ground.

         So forget your Constitution,
         Forget your plebiscite;
         Don't fret about the future,
         We are Aussies - she'll be right.

       This next contribution is from Kate D Hawkins (now settled in nicely
       at the everglades at Latrobe Uni).

       It's an IQ test - and takes about 5 minutes to complete.  You might
       even like to let your family have a go at it when you get home.  See
       if you can do better than Bill:

    IQ test: Click here

       In fact - while we're in a non-ASCII mood, you can check these out too
       if you like:

    Heaven:   Click here

    Toilet:   Click here

    I can see your bald spot: Click here

     Back to ASCII format now with a recent one from Mick Rand.  And by the
     way - Mad Mick just told me he's been passing the "sports goofs" on to
     Rick Wakeman (from "Yes").  Many of you will doubtless remember Rick via
     those rather unique albums he made in the 70's, such as "King Arthur and
     the Knights ..", "A journey to the centre .." and so on.

     Anyway, here's Mick's short offering (and as he put it - "Best recited
     aloud in an Indian accent ..." :-):

Three doctors from Bombay were standing around a pregnant lady patient who was
lying in bed at the General Hospital.

Doctor one said, "Eet is spelt w-h-o-o-o-m."

"Oooh, no no no," said Doctor two, "eet is spelt w-r-o-o-o-m-b."

The third Doctor said that they both had it wrong: "Eet is spelt W-h-o-m-b-e."

The lady in the bed sat up and said, "Excuse me doctors, but I think the word
you are trying to spell is w-o-m-b."

The first doctor retorted, "Oh - shuddup you seely wooman.  You have probably
never zeen a water buffallo - let alone know the noise it makes as it farts
in ze water!"

       Okay - now for a sexist joke.  This week it's against the men.
       This lot also drifted in via the westerly list:

                             BECAUSE I'M A MAN

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire
clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until
long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood
and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at.  If another man shows
up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things,
but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to
start."  We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and
take care of me while I lie in bed and moan.  You never get as sick as I do,
so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the
store, like milk or bread.  I cannot be expected to find exotic items like
"Cumin" or "Tofu" or "Cardamom" (for all I know these are all the same thing).

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist
on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as
much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV.  If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show
looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think
we should stop and ask someone.  Why would you listen to a complete stranger?
I mean, how could he know where we're going?

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother
come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more
than I have to.  Whatever you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need
to see it.  And don't forget to pick up something for my Mother too!

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.  Chances are,
if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man - yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or
The Doors comes on, and then - yes, I have to tell you every single time about
how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day,
or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave.  Please
do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine.  I thought what
you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too.  Either pair of shoes is
fine.  With the belt or without it looks fine.  Your hair is fine.  You look
fine.  Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in
the housework.  You can just do the laundry, cooking, gardening, cleaning, and
the dishes.  (I will, of course, take care of the rest.)

       Now for another blonde joke - from John Klimek at CUB (via Dave Moors):

A blonde girl decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets
out to rent her first X-rated adult video.  She goes to the video store, and
after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

Then she drives home, lights some candles, slips off her clothes, puts the
tape into the VCR, then settles back to watch it.

To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen.  So she calls
the video store to complain.

Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you but there's nothing on the tape
but static."

Store Clerk: "Sorry about that.  We have had problems with some of those tapes.
Tell me - which title did you rent?"

Blonde: "It's called 'Head Cleaner'

     And finally for the week, some botched Newspaper headlines which have
     been printed over the years.  Again, this lot fell off a truck via our
     Westerly-type list.  So enjoy:

     * Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
     * Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
     * House passes gas tax onto senate
     * Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
     * Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
     * William Kelly was fed secretary
     * Milk drinkers are turning to powder
     * Quarter of a million Chinese live on water

            Some become unintentionally suggestive:

     * Queen Mary having bottom scraped
     * Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
     * Prostitutes appeal to Pope
     * Child's stool great for use in garden
     * Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
     * Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
     * Organ festival ends in smashing climax

           Abbreviated grammar often botches other headlines:

     * Eye drops off shelf
     * Squad helps dog bite victim
     * Dealers will hear car talk at noon
     * Enraged cow injures farmer with axe
     * Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
     * Miners refuse to work after death
     * Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
     * Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

           Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite
           from the one intended:

     * Never withhold herpes from loved one
     * Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
     * Cars killing 110 a day - let's resolve to do better

           And sometimes, newspaper editors really state the obvious:

     * If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
     * War dims hope for peace
     * Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
     * Cold wave linked to temperatures
     * Child's death ruins couple's holiday
     * Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
     * Man is fatally slain
     * Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
[ End Fri humour ]

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