Friday humour - February 11, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

      Yo,
    First up this week, it's is the "oldest" contribution in the jokes file;
    one that was sent in by Tom Burns back in July 1998:
                              --------------------

               What the "buzz" words in the Personals really mean

                                 THE WOMEN
                                 =-=-=-=-=

40-ish............... 48
Adventurer........... Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic............. Flat-chested
Average looking...... Ugly
Beautiful............ Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..... Bring your penicillin
Educated............. University dropout
Emotionally Secure... Medicated
Feminist............. Fat; ball buster
Free spirit.......... Substance user
Friendship first..... Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun.................. Annoying
Gentle............... Comatose
Good Listener........ Borderline Autistic
New-Age.............. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned........ Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded.......... Desperate
Outgoing............. Loud
Passionate........... Loud
Poet................. Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional......... Real Witch
Redhead.............. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque.......... Grossly Fat
Romantic............. Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous........... Very Fat
Weight proportional
to height ........... Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate...... One step away from stalking
Widow................ Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart....... Toothless crone

                          THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST
                          -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=

40-ish............... 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic............. Sits on the couch and watches Wonderful World of Sports
Average looking...... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated............. Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit.......... Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first..... As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun.................. Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking......... Arrogant
Honest............... Pathological Liar
Huggable............. Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle....... Insecure, overly dependent
Mature............... Until you get to know him
Open-minded.......... Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit....... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
Poet................. Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual............ Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable............... Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful........... Says "Please" when demanding a beer
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      Here's a contribution from a female staff member in this building who
      probably wants to remain anonymous, so I won't give her name:-)
                              --------------------

                    SIX REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN

1       You can share a beer with your friends

2       A frigid beer is a good beer

3       When you go into a bar you know you can always pick up a beer

4       A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer

5       You always know you're the first one to pop a beer

6       You can enjoy a beer all month long
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        Over to the U.K. now for another Steve [redacted] offering:
                              --------------------

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to
the doctor.  He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.  The
doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try
startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol.
All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.  At home, he
found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.  As the two began, they found
themselves in the 69 position.  The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge
to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor.  The doctor asked, "How did it
go?"

The man answered,  "Not that well ... when I fired the pistol, my wife shit
on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet
with his hands in the air."
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      And now another (short) David McCallum contribution:
                   --------------------

Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended
from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest.  Ten were blonde, one was a
brunette.

As a group they decided that one of the party should let go.  If that didn't
happen the rope would break and everyone would perish.  For an agonising few
moments no one volunteered.  Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech
saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.

The blondes applauded.
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     Once again, Lee McRae has just posted another offering - with an intro
     which said:
       "Happy New Year to you and the other humourites.  This would have to be
        one of the cleanest jokes I've seen in a long while ... it's very
        appropriate as I am photographing John Howard this Friday (opening a
        new lab at the Bionic Ear Institute)..."
                              --------------------

This is an imaginary situation, but it may be interesting deciding what you
would do.

The situation:

You are in the Northwest of WA, and there is a huge flood in progress.  Many
homes lost, water supplies compromised, and infrastructure destroyed.

Let's say you're a photographer out getting still photos for a news service,
travelling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes.

If you were to stumble across John Howard struggling to keep from being swept
away in a raging river, and you had a choice of rescuing him or getting a
Walkley prize-winning photograph of the death of a Prime Minister, what
shutter speed would you use?
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       Here's an interesting little morsel from the Westerly-type list.  It's
       another one that's been "waiting in the wings" for 18 months:
                              --------------------

                             WONDERFUL NEW LABOR LAWS

Do you ever feel overworked, over-regulated, under-leisured and under-
benefited?   Take heart, this notice was found in the ruins of a London
office building.  It was dated 1852:

1.   This firm has reduced the hours of work, and the clerical staff will now
only have to be present between the hours of 6 a.m. and 7 p.m. weekdays.

2.   Clothing must be of sober nature.  The clerical staff will not disport
themselves in raiment of bright colours, nor will they wear hose unless in good
repair.

3.   Overshoes and topcoats may not be worn in the office, but neck scarves
and headwear may be worn in inclement weather.

4.   A stove is provided for the benefit of the clerical staff.  Coal and wood
must be kept in the locker.  It is recommended that each member of the
clerical staff bring four pounds of coal each day during the cold weather.

5.   No member of the clerical staff may leave the room without permission
from the supervisor.

6.   No talking is allowed during business hours.

7.   The craving for tobacco, wine, or spirits is a human weakness, and as
such is forbidden to all members of the clerical staff.

8.   Now that the hours of business have been drastically reduced, the
partaking of food is allowed between 11:30 and noon,  but work will not on any
account cease!!!.

9.   Members of the clerical staff will provide their own pens.  A new
sharpener is available on application to the supervisor.

10.  The supervisor will nominate a senior clerk to be responsible for the
cleanliness of the main office and the supervisor's private office.  All boys
and juniors will report to him 40 minutes before prayers and will remain after
closing hours for similar work.  Brushes, brooms, scrubbers, and soap are
provided by the owners.

11.  The owners recognise the generosity of the new labor laws, but will
expect a great rise in output of work to compensate for these near Utopian
conditions.
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      Here's the weeks visual contributions.  The first group of 4 were
      (as I remember) forwarded by Nicki A-O:

         Click here
         Click here
         Click here
         Click here

      This last one's fairly large and will take a cupla minutes to load
      because I omitted to get it onto Steve's server in time!  You'll
      need MS Powerpoint to see it.  Forwarded on by Dave Moors:

         Click here
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       Okay - back to the old-fashioned ASCII stuff now.  Here's a more
       recent piece from the List out West:
                              --------------------

                               MORE PICKUP LINES

Call me Fred Flintstone, because I'll make your Bedrock.

Lets play Titanic, when I say 'ICEBERG', you go down.

You must be a high jumper, because you make my bar rise.

If we were both squirrels, would you play with my nuts?

Would you wear shoes if you didn't have any feet?  Then why are you wearing a
bra?

Do you believe in love at first sight?  Or do I have to walk by again?

You must have a mirror in your pocket because I can easily see myself in your
pants

What time do you have to be in heaven.

If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

How about you sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that pops up

I lost my teddy bear.  Will you sleep with me?

Sex is a killer.  Wanna die happy?

Do you sleep on your stomach? "NO" - Can I?

Playing Doctors is for kids.  How about me and you play gynaecologist?

If you were a tear in my eye, I would not cry for fear of losing you.

The word for the day is 'Legs'.  Lets go back to my place and spread the word.

The last time I saw you, I was dreaming.

I love every bone in your body.  Especially mine.

All those curves, and me with no brakes.
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          Here's another recent contribution from Nicki A-O over in XRD:
                              --------------------

The LAPD, FBI and the CIA were all to prove that they were the best at
apprehending criminals.  The President decided to give them a test.  He
released a white rabbit into a forest and each of them had to catch it.

The CIA goes in.  They place animal informants throughout the forest.  They
question all the plant and mineral witnesses.  After three months of extensive
investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The LAPD go in.  They come out after just two hours, with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit".

The FBI goes in.  After two weeks with no leads they bomb the forest, killing
everything in it, including the rabbit.  They make no apologies; the rabbit
had it coming.

The Australian PM hears about this and decides to test Australian Law
Enforcement Agencies.  He releases a white rabbit into the forest just outside
Canberra.

The Victorian Police go in.  They return 15 minutes later with a koala, a
kangaroo and a tree fern all shot to pieces. "They looked like dangerous
rabbits we had to act in self defence" is their explanation.

The NSW Police goes in.  Surveillance tapes later reveal top ranking officers
and rabbits dancing naked around a gum tree stoned out of their brains.
F***ing, s**t, F**k up the stupid f**ker is the only intelligible phrases
picked up by the microphone.

The QLD Police goes in.  Shortly afterwards, they come out driving a brand new
Mercedes, scantily clad rabbits draped all over them.  The QLD Premier
congratulates them on maintaining traditional family values.

The NCA couldn't catch the rabbit, but promise if they are given a budget
increase they can recover 90 million from the rabbit in unpaid taxes and
proceeds of crime.

The WA police went into the forest and caught the white rabbit, but the
rabbit inexplicably hung itself in the cell when the attending officer
"slipped out momentarily" for a cup of coffee.

The NT and SA police join forces to belt the crap out of every rabbit in the
forest except the white one.  They know it is the black ones who cause all the
trouble.

The AFP refuses to go.  They examine the issues, particularly cost and decide
that because of the low priority and cost to the organisation as a whole, the
matter should be rejected and returned to the referring department for
investigation.

ASIO go to the wrong forest.
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       And the last contribution for this week is another (recent) one from
       David McCallum:
                              --------------------

                   SOME MORE SPORTS COMMENTARY EXCERPTS

"If you'd offered me a 69 at the start this morning I'd have been all over
you."
  Sam Torrance, [Golfer],  BBC2

"The band never actually split up - we just stopped speaking to each other
and went our own separate ways."
  Boy George, Radio 2

"Damien Hirst tends to use everyday objects such as a shark in formaldehyde."
  Fashion Commentator, Radio 4

"Street hockey is great for kids.  It's energetic, competitive, and skilful.
And best of all it keeps them off the street."
  Radio 1 Newsbeat

"Do you believe David Trimble will stick to his guns on decommissioning?"
  Interviewer, UTV

"It was the fastest-ever swim over that distance on American soil."
  Greg Phillips, Portsmouth News

"... fears that the balloon may be forced to ditch in the Pacific.  Mr
Branson, however, remains buoyant and hopes to reach America..."
  Radio 4 News

"Well, you could count them on the fingers of less than one hand..."
  Jack Elder, New Zealand Police Minister

"And Nakano tries to avoid being passed by his teammate Trulli, which should
in fact be quite easy, because Trulli is going more slowly than his teammate
Nakano"
  Murray Walker, ITV

"A fascinating duel between 3 men..."
  David Coleman, Hammer Throw, World Athletics, BBC

"I'm glad two sides of the cherry have been put forward"
  Geoff Boycott, Radio 5 Live

"It has been the German Army's largest peacetime operation since World War 2"
  ITN

"There are the boys, their balls between their legs"
  Amanda Redington, GMTV

"Israeli troops have this morning entered the Arab township of Hebron, in
search of the perpetrators of the recent suicide bomb attacks"
  CNN News

"Ian Mackie is here to prove his back injury is behind him"
  Commentator at Spar Athletics

"Azinger is wearing an all black outfit:  black jumper, blue trousers, white
shoes and a pink 'tea-cosy' hat"
  Renton Laidlaw

"The advantage of the rain is, that if you have a quick bike, there's no
advantage"
  Barry Sheene

"Her legs are kept tightly together:  she's giving nothing away"
  Gymnastics commentator, BBC1

"Moreano thought that the full back was gonna come up behind and give him one
really hard"
  Ron Atkinson

"Adams is stretching himself, looking for Seaman"
  Brian Moore

"I wouldn't be surprised if this game went all the way to the finish"
  Ian St John

"Apart from their goals, Norway haven't scored"
  Terry Venables

"The Croatians don't play well without the ball"
  Barry Venison

"They've picked their heads up off the ground and they now have a lot to
carry on their shoulders"
  Ron Atkinson

"The swimmers are swimming out of their socks."
  Sharron Davies, BBC

"In cycling, you can put all your money on one horse."
  Stephen Roche, Eurosport

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right
sock."
  Barry Venison, ITV

"In life he was a living legend; in death, nothing has changed."
  Live TV

"Without being too harsh on David, he cost us the match."
  Ian Wright, ITV

"It's amazing how, in this part of the world, history has been part of its
past."
  David Duffy, Eurosport

"And that was played by the Lindsay String Quartet... or at least two thirds
of them."
  Sean Rafferty, Radio 3

"Batistuta gets most of his goals with the ball"
  Ian St John

"They (Leeds) used to be a bit like Arsenal, winning by one goal to nil - or
even less."
  Nasser Hussain, Channel 5

"So, this movie you star in, The Life Story of George Best, tell us what it's
about."
  George Gavin, Sky Sport
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[ End Friday humour ]



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