Friday humour - February 04, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

        Gidday,
   And a big thank-you to Davo for filling in with plenty of humour since the
   start of the millenium.

   Something that could be mentioned before we start - this little jokes list
   now includes a guy by the name of John down at Antarctica.  (Ian -
   eat your heart out).  I guess they'd be connecting in via satellite?

   I will try and reduce the size of the humour collection starting from next
   week, by the way.  It's usually 400 to 450 lines which is (a) a bit of a
   groan to wade through, and (b) an even bigger groan to assemble.  Today's
   lot is again pretty large though!

   Anyway, enough rave - onto this weeks selection of nonsense (including one
   bit of visual stuff a little further down).  First up - it's one from way
   over in the ol' west:
                      --------------------------------

A millionaire threw a party and during it he announces to his guests that
down in the pool are two great white sharks. "I will give anything of mine to
the person who dares to swim across that pool."

Amidst a few mutterings, the party continues until there is a splash from the
pool and all the guests dash over to see what has happened.  In the pool is a
man, built like a gladiator, and he is swimming as hard as he can.

Sure enough, the predators fins rise out of the water and their jaws begin
snapping, but this guy just keeps on going. As he nears the end, the sharks
are on top of him baiting for blood, but he keeps just ahead of them.

With the roar of the watching crowd urging him on, and a final Herculean
effort, the man reaches the end and hoists himself out of the pool.  Gasping
for air, he turns to take the adulation from those spectating, of his
magnificent feat.

The millionaire grabs the microphone " Sir you are indeed brave, a man with
the heart of a lion, and I, I am a man of my word. As promised you may have
anything you desire; my Porsche?, my house?,my wife?.  Absolutely anything,
for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So what will it be?'

To which the guy replies, "Well, why don't we start with the name of the cunt
who pushed me in!"
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   Over to the U.K. now, and a short one that recently lobbed in from
   mad cousin Mick Rand:
                     --------------------------------

God and the Devil were talking one day. The Devil said to God, "Come on,
let's have some fun, let's go to Mars."

God replied that he had visited Mars 5,000 years ago and found it much
too hot.

"Well, what about Jupiter then?" asked the Devil.
"No - went there 10,000 years ago; atmosphere too thick; could hardly breath."

"Well ... let's go to Earth then," the Devil said.

"Can't," said God, "went there 2,000 years ago; got a nice Jewish girl
pregnant, and they're still talking about it."
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   This next one came from John Klimek at CUB (via Dave (Elevator) Moors):
                     --------------------------------

A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat tire.  He
gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap.  After he struggles a few
minutes, she looks out at him and says, "You wanna screwdriver?"
He says, "Hell, we might as well.  I can't get this freaking hubcap off."
                         #    #    #    #    #

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-rate fare for wives
accompanying their husbands on business trips.  Anticipating some valuable
testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all
the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking them how they
enjoyed their trip.

Responses are still pouring in, asking "What trip?"
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   Nicki A-O just forwarded this next one on, and Monsieur McCallum also
   forwarded it on a short while ago ...
                     --------------------------------

                       COPING WITH JOB STRESS

At a seminar called "Stress and Disease" by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in
psychobiology, gave an example of a coping skill for job stress which I would
like to share with you.

When you have had one of those 'Take This Job And Shove It' days, try this:

On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section
where they have thermometers.  You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer
made by "Q-tip".  Be sure that you get this brand.  When you get home, lock
your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be
disturbed during your therapy.

Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on
your bed.  Open the package containing the thermometer, remove the
thermometer, and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not
become chipped or broken.

Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it
you will notice in small print the statement that says "every rectal
thermometer made by Q-tip is PERSONALLY tested.

Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not
work in quality control at the Q-tip company."
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        And along similar lines - this one from Russell MacKinnon:
                     --------------------------------

       SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY

(From the CALIFORNIA EXAMINER, March 20, 1998):

Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of
forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire.  The deceased male
was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with a dive tank, flippers, and face
mask.  A post-mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns
but from massive internal injuries.  Dental records provided a positive
identification.

Investigators then set about determining how a fully clad diver ended up in
the middle of a forest fire.  It was revealed that, on the day of the fire,
the person went for a diving trip off the coast - some 20 miles away from the
forest.  The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as
possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets.  The
buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the
forest fire and emptied.

You guessed it.  One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific -
the next he was doing breast-stroke in a fire bucket 300 feet in the air.
[But not for long.]

Apparently, he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire.

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
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       Now for the week's visual contribution, from Steve (LMS) Harding:

       Click here
                     --------------------------------


      Okay - back over to the U.K. (at least - I think he's still over there)
      for this piece from Steve [redacted]:
                     --------------------------------

                   New VCE (GCSE) Examination Paper.

                          SEXISM STUDIES

                        Time allowed 3 hrs.

                       Attempt all questions.

Section A (50%)

1. Explain why the best women's cricket team in the world wouldn't stand a
   chance against you and ten of your mates.

     Include in your answer:

a) Why they throw the ball like spastics and catch crocodile style

b) What you wouldn't mind doing with them in the showers after the match.

2. Pamela Anderson's tits are plastic but look good in photographs.
   Compare and contrast the relative merits of plastic and real tits for
   recreational purposes.

3. It is a long established fact that fat lasses are more grateful for
   it.  Outline some of the reasons why this is so, and explain why all
   feminists are fat, ugly lesbians.

or

   Compare and contrast video lesbians with those you have encountered in
   real life.

4. Write a critique of any ONE of the following films you have watched
   at your mates house while his parents were away for the weekend.

a) White Water Shafting

b) Three Into One Will Go

c) King Dong

d) Speared by Zulu Lovers

   Include in your discussion a justification for such films to be considered
   "art-house" rather than pornographic.

5. Women drivers, eh?
   Discuss.

Section B (50%)

1. Describe an experiment to impress a girl by lighting a fart.  What
   apparatus would you require?  What risks would you run in lighting a fart
   and what are the benefits?  Write a balanced chemical equation to describe
   the reaction that takes place when an eggy fart is lit in a pub with a
   match.

2. Name something a woman has invented.

3. On average, women live 7 years longer than men yet get their pension
   5 years earlier.  Explain why this isn't fair, making reference to your
   lazy old granny who lived to be 100 and your poor grand-dad who worked 52
   years down the pit and died the day before he retired.

4. Argue heatedly over the respective merits of the Lamborghini Diablo and
   the Ferrari Testarossa without ever having seen, let alone driven either.

5. Discuss the philosophical implications of this statement: "If a man
   speaks in a forest, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?"
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         Here's another one which was forwarded on by TBIXRD (NAO):
                     --------------------------------

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down
Main Street.  "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels
in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say ..."

"And I said to keep quiet!  You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for
you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding.  He'll be in a good mood when
he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
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     Now, this next one was separately forwarded on by no less than three
     CSIRO Minerals bods - David McCallum, Jean, and Nicki A-O:
                     --------------------------------

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male:   The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male:   Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male:   Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with
        the boys.

BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look
        bigger."
Male:   What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal.

Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male:   Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girl-friend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male:   Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens)  n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male:   An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male
        bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male:   Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male:   A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.
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      Here's another (quite recent) one from David McCallum:
                     --------------------------------

Nick as a young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive.

One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the
reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day.  So Nick walked up to
the old man and told him his dream.

The old man looked him up and down and said "I have a suggestion that is sure
to help."

"Tell me, tell me," said the young man.

"Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "Definitely," said the old man.

Young Nick did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the
piano player.

"Wow, that really helped.  Do you have any more suggestions?"

"Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits,
the gun will come out smoother."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"It sure will," said the old man.

The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cufflink off
the piano player.

"This is really helping me.  Is there anything else you can share with me?"

"One more thing," said the old man.  "Get that can of axle grease over there
in the corner and rub it all over your gun."

Young Nick didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun.

"No, no - the whole gun, handle and everything." said the old man.

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"No," said the old man, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano
he's going to shove that gun up your arse, so it won't hurt as much."
   _____________________________________________________________________


     Okay, now to our last item.  You should, however, take due heed that
     this is more than capable of ruining your lunch.  Or - as the original
     contributor put it:

       'Even I found this offensive.  You may wish to delete this *before*
        reading it if you are at all easily offended.  You have been warned.'
                     --------------------------------

One morning around 5AM, 22 year old Susan DeLucci of Kittery, Maine, woke up
with a painful need to urinate.  At first she thought she had diarrhoea, but
when she stood up out of bed, she realised that it was urinary pain.

It was very similar to the feeling of having diarrhoea, just out the wrong
hole.  She wobbled to the toilet and upon sitting on it, her vagina erupted
into the most horrific messy farting noise anyone has ever heard.  In
paralysing pain, Ms. DeLucci for the next few minutes continued to push and
squirt out of her vagina a burning tide of wretch and filth whilst white
knuckled, she gripped the sides of the toilet.

She was screaming now, and the neighbours called the police.  When medics
arrived, they found Ms. DeNucci unconscious lying on the floor of her
bathroom wearing nothing but her bath robe.

Running down her leg, was a stream of thick brown and green liquid.  The medic
had to transfer her to a stretcher, so he grabbed her left leg which was bent
crossing her other leg to straighten her out.  (She was lying there all
twisted up.)  When he lifted her left leg to straighten her body out, he
exposed her vagina, at which point a creature (no larger than the tip of a
finger) wormed its way out of her genitals and landed on the floor with a wet
popping sound.

Shocked, the medic stared at the creature that was lying on the tile bathroom
floor in a casing of mucous.  It was a tiny mud shrimp, and it sat there on
the cold floor gasping for water while flipping itself back and forth.

The horrified medic turned to the toilet as he felt the nausea setting in.
When he put his face down into the toilet to puke what he saw was so horrific
that to this day he cannot look into a toilet without it sending a small
shiver down his spine.

The entire toilet bowl was boiling with baby brown mud shrimp flipping and
splashing at a furious pace.

If you think that is bad - wait until you hear how it happened: Ms.
DeLucci's (eventual) death was the result of a combination of shock and
severe head trauma.  She stood up over the toilet in pain, but when she saw
what she'd done, she went into shock and passed out, falling and smashing her
head on the toilet and then on the floor.

It is believed by police that two nights before the accident she had
purchased a live lobster at a fish market.  While lying in a tub, she gently
inserted the creature's tail into her vagina to derive physical pleasure.

At that point, she held a lighter under the creature's face causing it to
flip its tail in a violent snapping motion.  The medics found a lesbian XXX
video in the VCR and the TV was positioned on a table in front of the tub.

The lobster was found in the kitchen garbage can wrapped in a paper bag.

Traces of Ms. DeLucci's DNA were found on the lobster along with pubic hairs
that had wedged themselves between the lobsters' tail joints.  The lobster's
face was lightly burned with the same fuel used in lighters.

The lobster's digestive track and colon were found to be full of mud shrimp
egg casings.  Doctors believe that the lobster had eaten them (they are common
in the water at fish markets and are usually harmlessly boiled to death) and
the lobster had excreted them into Ms. DeLucci's vagina when she was
torturing it.  Maine mud shrimp only take two days to gestate, and Ms.DeLucci
was only four days away from getting her period.  Doctors believe that at that
point of her menstrual cycle, her womb was the perfect PH balance to grow
these mud shrimp (which are a much larger version of the popular "Sea Monkey"
pets sold throughout the US).

Overnight the eggs had hatched and the mud shrimp began doubling in size
every ten minutes.  You can imagine the pain she was in when she woke up that
morning and "gave birth" to several thousand mud shrimp in her toilet.
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[ End Fri humour ]




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