Friday humour - January 28, 2000

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

       <<< Tony is due back next Tuesday ... Praise the Lord! >>>

... from assorted nuts

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A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the
bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Bourbon," responded the young man.

"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blow job."

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing

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Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number
of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a
terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle
slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk
about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to
overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came
home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was
seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I
told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

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           Why Americans should never be allowed to travel

I'm a travel agent and a man called, furious about a Florida package we
did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was
expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible,
since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me.
I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

What about the guy who rang British Airways and asked "How long does
Concorde take to get to New York?".  "Just one moment, sir" came the reply
as the rep reached for the schedule.   "To be sure, that's quick. Thank
you very much". "Click".

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her
flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried
to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not
understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went
very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those
computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter
plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in
order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports,I
reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many
times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure
enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look,
I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my
American Express."

A comment I heard frequently when flying overseas tourists around Kakadu
National Park (You know, it is advertised for its untouched natural
beauty, etc & is a tourist mecca for the wildlife): "But where are all the
roads & houses?"

Many, many years ago I went on the the big OE. On a cruise boat on the
Thames River ( UK ) we passed Windsor Castle - Overheard one of our
American colonist's ask his wife "why was it built so close to the
Airport's flightpath?"  Say no more!!

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                           The Love Dress

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's
house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her
daughter-in law standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work." the daughter-in-law

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes
me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home
from work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and
left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she
got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by
the front door. Finally her husband came home. He walked in
and saw her standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she replied.

"Needs ironing!

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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background
checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two
men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you
will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out
with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on
the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from
her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with
blanks.  I had to beat him to death with the chair."

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[ End Fri humour ]

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