Friday humour - January 21, 2000

     From Davo at Bluehaze:


Assorted midday jokes ... apologies for any bad wraps ... at least the
>>> characters have been zapped ...



Y2K Backup System ... a little late
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While we believe we will be fully Y2K compliant by January 1, 2000 and
most
of our subsidiary units and contractors claim they will also be fully
compliant, we obviously need to make some preparations in case unexpected
challenges impair our ability to meet the needs of our customers.
Enclosed with this memo is a "Y2K Backup System" device designed to meet
short time emergency needs in case of a computer operations failure, or
operational delay. This device is the company's Primary Emergency Network
Computer Interface Liaison device (P.E.N.C.I.L.).
This device has been field tested extensively, including certification
testing, as well as volume and stress testing. Properly maintained, the
device meets all the requirements for coding and data input. Prior to use,
the P.E.N.C.I.L. will require preparation and testing.
Tools and supplies required will be: A sharpened knife or grinding device;
and a supply of computer paper (with or without holes).
Gripping the device firmly in your hand, proceed to scrape or grind the
wooded end until it has a cone-like appearance. The dark core area must be
exposed to properly function. (Left-handed employees should read this
sentence backwards, and then go to your supervisor for assistance.)
Place a single sheet of computer paper on a smooth, hard surface. Take the
backup device, place the sharpened point against the paper, and pull it
across the paper. If properly done, this will input a single line.
CAUTION: Excessive force may damage components of the device or damage the
data reception device. If either the P.E.N.C.I.L. or the paper are
damaged,
go back to the preparation instructions above.
Proper use of the device will require data simulation input by the
operator.
Placing the device against the computer page forming symbols as closely
resembling the computer lettering system you normally use. At the
completion
of each of the simulated letters, lift the device off the page, move it
slightly to the right, replace it against the page, and form the next
symbol. This may appear tedious, and somewhat redundant, but, with
practice,
you should be able to increase your speed and accuracy.
The P.E.N.C.I.L. is equipped with a manual deletion device. The device is
located on the reverse end of the P.E.N.C.I.L. Error deletions operate
similarly to the "backspace" key on your computer.  Simply place the
device
against the erroneous data, and pull it backward over the letters. This
should remove the error, and enable you to resume data entries.
CAUTION: Excessive force may damage the data reception device.
Insufficient
force, however, may result in less than acceptable deletion, and may
require
re-initialisation of action as above.
This device is designed with user maintenance in mind. However, if
technical
support is required, you can still call your local computer desk
supervisor
at (800)-YOU-DUMMY.





Things That Schools Don't Teach (but used to, and probably should again).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Charles Sykes is the author of DUMBING DOWN OUR KIDS. He recently gave
high
school and college graduates a list of eleven things they did not learn in
school.  In his book, he talks about how feel good, politically correct
teaching has created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and
set them up for failure in the real world.

You may want to share this list with kids, other teachers and parents you
know...it's pretty close to the reality most of us so- called grown-ups
have come to know.

Rule 1:
Life is not fair; get used to it.

Rule 2:
The world won't care about your self-esteem.  The world will expect you to
accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3:
You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school.
You won't be a vice president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4:
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.  He doesn't
have tenure.

Rule 5:
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.  Your grandparents had a
different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity.

Rule 6:
If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your
mistakes.  Learn from them.

Rule 7:
Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now.
They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes, and
listening to you talk about how cool you are.  So before you save the rain
forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the
closet in your own room.

Rule 8:
Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not.
In some schools they have abolished failing grades; they'll give you as
many times as you want to get the right answer.  This, of course, doesn't
bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life..

Rule 9:
Life is not divided into semesters.  You don't get summers off, and very
few employers are interested in helping you find yourself.  Do that on
your
own time.

Rule 10:
Television is NOT real life.  In real life, people actually have to leave
the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11:
Be nice to nerds.  Chances are you'll end up working for one.





WOMAN'S PRAYER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Lord...

So far today, I am doing all right.
I have not gossiped, lost my temper,
been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self indulgent.
I have not whined, bitched, cursed, or eaten any chocolate.
I have not charged on my credit card.
However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will
need a lot more help after that.

Amen.




Alf and Ada
~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon,
when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her,  So the captain
sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would
notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the
boat.  It read: Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife
dead at the bottom of the ocean.  We hauled her up to the deck
and attached to her very most private part was an oyster and
inside there was a pearl worth $ 50,000...please advise.

The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl and rebait the trap.





Bruce and Johnno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two Ozzies, Bruce and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat following a
dramatic escape from a burning freighter.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Bruce stumbled
across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would
appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of Bruce, a genie came forth. This
particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver
one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Bruce blurted out,"Make
the entire ocean into VB!" The genie clapped his hands with a
deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest
brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of VB on the hull broke the stillness as the
two men considered their circumstances.

Johnno looked disgustedly at Bruce whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going
Bruce! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."





US Inc.
~~~~~~~
Can you imagine working at the following Company?  It has a little over
500 employees with the following statistics:

*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*7 have been arrested for fraud
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
*3 have been arrested for assault
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*21 are current defendants in lawsuits
*In 1999 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.  The same group that
perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep
ordinary Americans in line.





Viagra Chips ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his
help to revive her man's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the
doctor.

Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a
headache."

"No problem" replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even
taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on."

A week later Mrs. Murphy attends Surgery and the doctor enquires as to how
things went. "Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor."

"What happened?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was
immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the
same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate
love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."

"What's terrible?" asked the doctor. "Was the sex not good?"

"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never
be able to show my face in McDonald's again!"





from ... Click here
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Name: The Chief.

Birthdate: October 1st, 1958.

Birthplace: New York.

Favorite Book: How to Make Money Without Really Trying.

Favorite TV Show: Get Smart.

Favorite Film: Wall Street.

Favorite Food: Caviar.

Marital Status: Happily married 4 times - now single.

Collingwood Highlight: The "New Magpies" because it showed that what money
can do.

Collingwood Lowlight: The "New Magpies" because it didn't work.

AFL Highlight: The first AFL premiership.

AFL Lowlight: Every other Premiership.

Collingwood Conspiracy Theory: Collingwood has too much money and was
dominating the
VFL/AFL.  They caused the 'New Magpies' to fail with a combined
orchestrated attempt to
disrupt the administration of the club and are enforcing their current
situation to weaken the
club so they languish back with the rest of the teams (Interstaters
included).  AFL Commies!!

Background: Born just after the 1958 Grand Final after parents went to the
U.S. for work.
Lived in the US for the first 16 years of my life but my Uncle in
Australia (a mad Collindwood
supporter) kept sending newpaper clippings of his team.  After my parents
got divorced,
decided I didn't want to live with either because they had no interest in
Australian football, so
stowed away on a merchant ship and travelled back to Australia via South
America, Africa, and
Asia (it was a long trip). Arrived in Australia 2 years later and lived
with my Uncle a drop punt
away from Vitoria Park.  After the shattering blows of the '77, '79, '80,
'81 Grand Finals
disappeared for 1 year and came back a rich man when the 'New Magpies'
swept into power.
Revelled in the wealth that was flowing through the club but went bust
after the 'New Magpies'
demise.  Went overseas again and returned in '88 an even wealthier man.
Currently, main
interest in seeing Colingwood win another flag and trying to find a way to
make a paper plane
with a $100 note.






[ End Fri humour ]


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