Friday humour - December 24, 1999

From Tony at Bluehaze: Yo, Last one for the year - from me, at least:-) Tons of stuff this week (and yes - a few little pictures further on if you can be bothered waiting for them to load). We've got contributions from Martha, the Westerly mob, Rex (brother of John) Stevens, John over the Museum of Vic, Dave McCallum, Mike Horne, and Chris Phyland. So, to start the (elf?) ball rolling - this one from Martha Ruth H: ----------------------- PSYCHO CHRISTMAS SONGS SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are. DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas. NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me) MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ... or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense! PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me. PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell.... BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire. PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away). -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The second item this week is from the old List Out West ... ----------------------- THINGS ONE WOULD PREFER NOT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY Better save that - we'll need it for the autopsy. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop. Wait a minute ... if this is his spleen, then what's THAT?? Hand me that ... uh ... that uh ..... sharp, pointy thingie. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? Damn - there go the lights again ... Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off! What's this doing here? That's cool! Can you make his leg twitch too?! I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses. Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's supposed to be clean, isn't it? Anyone see where I left that scalpel? OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? Argh, don't worry about that - I think it's sharp enough. She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!! Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing! FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- This one's from Rex Stevens - it's another of those that have been waiting in the wings for a while (since October last year): ----------------------- There were two Irish fellows, Paddy and Murphy, in a bar in the wild west who are totally skint. All of a sudden a man walks into the bar with a red Indian's head under his arm, the bar man shakes his hand and says "I fucking hate Indians, last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, raped my wife a killed my children", he then says "If any man brings me the head of a red Indian I'll give him $1,000 dollars." The two Irish fellows look at each other and walk out of the bar to go looking for an Indian. They've been walking around for a while when suddenly they see one so Paddy throws a stone which hits the Indian right on the head. The Indian falls off his horse but lands 70 ft down a ravine, so the two Irish men make there way down the ravine where Paddy starts sawing the Indian's head off. Whilst in the middle of doing this Murphy says, "Paddy, look at this", to which Paddy replies, "Not now I'm busy." Murphy tugs him on the shoulder and says "I really think you should look at this." Paddy keeps on sawing and says "Look - stop interrupting, you can see I'm busy - there's a thousand dollars in my hand." But Murphy's adamant, "Please Paddy, look at this". So Paddy drops the head and finally looks up, and there - standing at the top of the ravine - are 5,000 Red Indians. Paddy shakes his head in disbelief. "Oooh Murphy - now look at that. We're gonna to be millionaires!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Now it's over the Museum of Victoria for another contribution from John - this is also from October last year as it turns out: ----------------------- The Lone Ranger and Tonto stop at a bar for a beer and while they're drinking a cowboy walks in and says, "Who the fxxk's white horse is that parked outside?" The Lone Ranger raises his hand and says, "That's mine. Am I blocking you?" The cowboy says, "No but you might want to check it, looks like it's running hot." Sure enough they go look out the door and the horse has broken out into one of those typical soap shavings sweats that horses are known for. Tonto says, "I'll take care of it boss." He rushes out and starts wiping the horse down and doing a rain dance around it while the Lone Ranger goes back inside. Another minute passes and another cowboy walks in and says, "Who the fxxk's white horse is that parked outside?" The Lone Ranger once again raises his hand and says, "That's mine." The cowboy says, "You may want to check it, looks like you left your injun running." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Okay - now it's time for a bit of visual stuff. They're all just sitting on my server at home this week, so some will take up to 20 seconds to load down. First one was passed on by Steve Harding: Snowmen: Click here The rest of these were just loaded them off our Westerly List's image archive - more or less at random. Enjoy: Fast Lift: Click here Diving: Click here New 'phones: Click here -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Now back to the ASCII humour, and another piece that I purloined from the Westerly list ... ----------------------- ACTUAL COUNTRY MUSIC TITLES 25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Good-bye. 24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her heart Was Pure. 23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? 22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling. 21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We're Even. 20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You. 19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well. 18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better. 17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win. 16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight. 15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here 14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You. 13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You. 12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now. 11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head). 10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You. 9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him. 8. Please Bypass This Heart. 7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger. 6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat. 5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly. 4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me. 3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles. 2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer. And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is: 1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Now, a little something from David McCallum. Not quite sure where these came from - comedian Steven Wright, perhaps? ----------------------- One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh no,' I said, 'Disneyland burned down. 'He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk. I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, 'Probably because of something you did.' If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic. I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words 'mank' and 'ind.' "What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind. If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching. Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books. Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window. During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armour because you were 'just going down to the corner. If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now. When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns. Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door. If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine. If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture. Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did those fools believe me? One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake. If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not. Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff. For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness? I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary. If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. 'Wait a minute! I thought we won!' I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.' I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then - yahoo - I'd have all my money back. I think a good product would be 'Baby Duck Hat.' It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties. The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. ' Uh-oh,' he thought. 'This watering hole is reserved for skeletons.' Can you get anything specific at a general store? Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. What's another word for Thesaurus? Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- And now, after a longish absence - three contributions from Mike Horne: ----------------------- HOLIDAY WISHES TO SUIT THE NEW MILLENIUM Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2000, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Australia great, (not to imply that Australia is necessarily greater than any other country (world cups withstanding) in the southern hemisphere ...), and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee. (By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.) # # # # # ... and ... A father asked his son, Little Johnny aged 9, if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!!" Little Johnny said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh dad", Johnny sobbed, "at age 6, I got the 'there's no Santa' speech". "At 7, I got the 'there's no Easter Bunny speech". "Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech!'" "If you're going to tell me now the 'grown-ups don't really screw' speech, I've got nothing left to live for!" # # # # # ... and ... HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN Wine her, Dine her, Call her, Hug her, Hold her, Surprise her, Compliment her, Smile at her, Laugh with her, Cry with her, Cuddle with her, Shop with her, Give her jewellery, Buy her flowers, Hold her hand, Write love letters to her ******************************** HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN Show up naked. Bring beer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- This next one's another contribution from Chris Phyland over at the Bushell's factory (Novel Battery Technology): ----------------------- An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life ... until the boat sank. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies ... nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But ... but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware. The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place, " she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck. As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts shaking with each step, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?" "No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end, inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shellnecklace - strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know ..." She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound. He's truly in luck. "Do you really mean ...", he gasps, "I can ... actually check my e-mail from here??" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- And last of all for 1999 - a slightly lewd piece from the good ol' list out west: ----------------------- An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Just put your hands between your legs, darling. Your body heat will warm them up quickly enough." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The following day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend, and he said "Ooohh - my hands are freezing cold." The daughter suggested "Put them between my legs - they'll warm up." The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "Arrh heck - my nose is freezing cold." The daughter replied, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." So he did, and his nose warmed up. The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the daughter and he said, "Gosh - my penis is frozen *solid*." The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother and she says "Mummy - have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned mother says "Sure, honey - why do you ask?" The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they defrost!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Oh, and a little postscript - I'll be away from the humour desk until February. But you *may* find that Davo will do the honours during January. I haven't even asked him yet, but we'll see (Ian? :-) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [ End Friday humour ]
 Previous (December 17, 1999)  Index Next (January 21, 2000)