Friday humour - December 17, 1999

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

   This might be the last Friday humour for the millenium (if you believe
   that 1999 is the end of the millenium ;-)  'cos I'm not really sure
   what'll be happening next week around this time.  Anyway - it's pretty
   large today - we've got contributions from Steve Harding, Russell
   MacKinnon, David MacCallum, Jenny Chong, Martha Hills, Nikki Scarlett,
   Brian D McNicol, and of course, the ol' westerly list.

   First up today - one from Monsieur Harding (of the Steving variety)
   with this short one:

                                 MY GOLDFISH

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered
over the fence.  Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to,
he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've
just buried him."

The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish,
isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's
inside your f%@#ing cat."

     Now one from Russell MacKinnon, Esquire, Incorporated - from the
     room of many servers:

An Australian, Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar.  There was
only one other person in the bar.  A man.  The three men kept looking at this
other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.

They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly
the Irishman cried out: "My God!  I know who that man is - it's Jesus!"

The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone
at a table.

The Irishman calls out across the lounge : "Hey!  Hey you!  Are you Jesus?"

Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head.

"Yes, I am Jesus," he says.

Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him: "I'd like you
to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."

The bartender pours  Jesus a Guinness.  Jesus looks over, raises his
glass, thanks and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out :
"Er, excuse me, Sir, but - would you be Jesus?"

Jesus smiles and says "Yes, I am Jesus".

The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of
Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does.

As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.

Then the Australian calls out:
"Hey you!  D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?"

Jesus nods and says "Yes - I am Jesus".

The Australian is mighty impressed, and has the bartender send over a pot of
VB for Jesus, which Jesus accepts with pleasure.

Some time late, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and
approaches our three friends.  He reaches for the hand of the rishman and
shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:

"Oh God!  The arthritis is gone!  The arthritis I've had for years is gone!
It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Englishman's hand, thanking him for the Newcastle.
Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock:

"By jove - my migraine!  The migraine I've for 40 years ... it's completely
gone!  It's a miracle!!"

Jesus then goes to approach the Australian who says:

"Hey, back off, mate - I'm on compo."

       Next - another contribution from Nikki, the Scarlett one:

Authentic complaints received by Local Councils from their Tenants around

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
   knob off.

2. Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my
   fence.  Not only is this making a hell of a noise, but the fence is now
   sagging in the middle.

3. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside
   toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

6. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

7. Would you please send a man to repair my spout, I am an old age pensioner
   and need it straight away.

8. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at
   5.30 his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much.  Its all right when
   my husband is on day-shift, but when he's on back-shifts or nights I
   get it several times a week from Mr. Docherty next door and at my age
   it's too much.

9. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
   unsightly and dangerous.

10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a
    third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

11. The toilet seat is cracked - where do I stand?

12. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased
    if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on
    top of me every night.

13. Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife.

14. Can you send a carpenter to the house.  When the woman next door closed
    the door the other night, she pulled my knob too hard and now it's
    ready to fall off.

    Now for another one from Jenny Chong (another ex-Elevators bod):

Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on its
hot new portable PC called the Vaio.  Instead of producing the cryptic error
messages characteristic of Microsoft's Windows 95, 3.1, and DOS operating
systems, Sony's chairman Asai Tawara said, "We intend to capture the high
ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been - until now -
an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony.  For example,
we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages
with our own Japanese haiku poetry.  The chairman went on to give examples
of Sony's new error messages:

      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
          A file that big?
          It might be very useful.
          But now it is gone.
      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
          The Web site you seek
          cannot be located but
          endless others exist
      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
          Chaos reigns within.
          Reflect, repent, and reboot.
          Order shall return.
      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
          ABORTED effort:
          Close all that you have.
          You ask way too much.
      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
          Yesterday it worked.
          Today it is not working.
          Windows is like that.
      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
          First snow, then silence.
          This thousand dollar screen dies
          so beautifully.
     - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
          With searching comes loss
          and the presence of absence:
          - "My Novel" not found.
     - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
          The Tao that is seen
          Is not the true Tao, until
          You bring fresh toner.
     - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
          Windows NT crashed.
          I am the Blue Screen of Death.
          No one hears your screams.
      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
          Stay the patient course.
          Of little worth is your ire
          - the network is down
      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
          A crash reduces
          your expensive computer
          to a simple stone.
      - - - - - - - - - - - - -  - - - - - - -
          Three things are certain:
          Death, taxes, and lost data
          - guess which has occurred.
      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
          You step in the stream,
          but the water has moved on.
          This page is not here.
      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
          Having been erased,
          The document you're seeking
          Must now be re-typed.
      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
          Serious error.
          All shortcuts have disappeared.
          Screen, mind - both are blank.

      Here's another gem from over in Chester (UK) in the form of a
      contribution from one Brian D. McNicol, Pty Ltd:

Joe took his blind date to the carnival.

"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

"I want to get weighed," she said.

So they ambled over to the weight guesser.  He guessed 120 pounds.  She got
on the scale; it read 117, and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel.  When the ride was over, Joe again
asked Kim what she would like to do.  "I want to get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went.  Since they had been there before,
he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I
want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early,
dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura - it was wousy."

     Next, a long overdue Chemistry Science update (this from way out west):

Activation Energy: The useful quantity of energy available in one cup of

Biological Science: A contradiction in terms.

Bunsen Burner: A device invented by Robert Bunsen (1811-1899) for brewing
coffee in the laboratory, thereby enabling the chemist to be poisoned
without having to go all the way to the company cafeteria.

Compound: To make worse, as in: 1) A fracture; 2) the mutual adulteration
of two or more elements.

Eigen Function: The use to which an eigen is put.

En: The universal bidentate ligand used by coordination chemists.  For years,
efforts were made to use ethylene-diamine for this purpose, but chemists
were unable to squeeze all the letters between the corners of the octahedron
diagram.  The timely invention of en in 1947 revolutionised the science.

Evaporation Allowance: The volume of alcohol that the graduate students can
drink in a year's time.

Exhaustive Methylation: A marathon event in which the participants methylate
until they drop from exhaustion.

First Order Reaction: The reaction that occurs first, not always the one
desired.  For example, the formation of brown gunk in an organic prep.

Genetic Engineering: A recent attempt to formalise what engineers have been
doing informally all along.

Grignard: A fictitious class of compounds often found on organic exams and
never in real life.

Inorganic Chemistry: That which is left over after the organic, analytical,
and physical chemists get through picking over the periodic table.

Mercury: (From L. Mercurius, the swift messenger of the gods) Element No. 80,
so named because of the speed of which one of its compounds (calomel, Hg2Cl2)
goes through the human digestive tract.  The element is perhaps misnamed,
because the gods probably would not be pleased by the physiological message
so delivered.

Monomer: One mer. (See also: POLYMER).

Natural Product: A substance that earns organic chemists fame and glory when
they manage to synthesise it with great difficulty, while Nature gets no credit
for making it with great ease.

Organic Chemistry: The practice of transmuting vile substances into

Partition Function: The function of a partition is to protect the lab
supervisor from shrapnel produced in laboratory explosions.

Pass/Fail: An attempt by professional educators to replace the traditional
academic grading system with a binary one that can be handled by a large
digital computer.

Physical Chemistry: The pitiful attempt to apply y=mx+b to everything in
the universe.

Pilot Plant: A modest facility used for confirming design errors before
they are built into a costly, full-scale production facility.

Polymer: Many mers.  (See also: MONOMERS).

Purple Passion: A deadly libation prepared by mixing equal volumes of grape
juice and lab alcohol.

Quantum Mechanics: A crew kept on the payroll to repair quantums, which
decay frequently to the ground state.

Rate Equations: (Verb phrase) To give a grade or a ranking to a formula based
on its utility and applicability.  H=E, for example, applies to everything
everywhere, and therefore rates an A.  pV=nRT, on the other hand, is good
only for nonexistent gases and thus receives only a D+, but this grade can
be changed to a B- if enough empirical virial coefficients are added.

Research: (Irregular noun) That which I do for the benefit of humanity, you
do for the money, he does to hog all the glory.

Sagan: The international unit of humility.

Scientific Method: The widely held philosophy that a theory can never be
proved, only disproved, and that all attempts to explain anything are
therefore futile.

SI: Acronym for "Systeme Infernelle".

Spectroscope: A disgusting-looking instrument used by medical specialists
to probe and examine the spectrum.

Ytterbium: A rare and inconsequential element, named after the village of
Ytterby, Sweden (not to be confused with Iturbi, the late pianist and film
personality, who was actually Spanish, not Swedish).  Ytterbium is used
mainly to fill block 70 in the periodic table.  Iturbi was used mainly to
play Jane Powell's father.

       Now - time for another one (or two) from David Fi McCallum:

A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"

"Oh ... after a considerable period of grieving ... I guess I would.
We all need companionship."

"Well, if I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in
this house?"

"Hmmm ... well, we've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way
we want it.  I wouldn't get rid of my house.  So I guess she would."

"Okay then - if I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,"
the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"

"Well ... the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2000.  It's going to last a
long time ... so I guess she would."

"Then if I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept
in our bed - would she use my golf clubs?"

"Oh, no way," the husband replied, "She's left-hande...eeee%#@..."

    ... and ...

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's
Chinatown.  Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed
bronze sculpture of a rat.  The sculpture is so interesting and unique that
he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an extra
thousand for the story behind it."

"At that price, you can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll
take the bronze rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat
under his arm.  As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats
emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.  Nervously looking
over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes
another sewer, more rats come out and follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels,
and people begin to point and shout.  He walks even faster, and soon breaks
into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots,
and abandoned cars ... following him.  Rats by the thousands are at his heels,
and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill he panics and starts
to run full tilt.

But no matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now
not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to
the water's edge a trail of rats twelve blocks long is behind him.  Making a
mighty leap, he jumps up onto a lamp post, grasping it with one arm, while
he hurls the bronze rat into the San Francisco Bay as far as he can throw

Pulling his legs up and clinging to the post, he watches in amazement as
the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where
they drown.  Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah sir, you've come back for the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I want a statue of a lawyer."

         And to finish up - this contribution from Martha Hills:


The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.

The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.

A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896.  Zanzibar
surrendered after 38 minutes.

A polar bear's skin is black.  Its fur is not white, but actually clear.

Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why Elvis'
middle name was spelled Aron; in honour of his brother.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."

Marilyn Monroe had six toes. (Is that in total, or on one foot?)

If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than Left-handed
people do.

The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember
the word you want.

TYPEWRITER, is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only
one row of the keyboard.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would
never end because of their rate of reproduction.

The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right
or right to left.

A snail can sleep for 3 years.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each
salad served in first-class.  (Yeh - right - no doubt someone got a promotion
out of that one, too)

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

Vatican City is the smallest country in the world, with a population of 1000
and a size 108.7 acres.

The longest town name in the world has 167 letters.

Did you know you share your birthday with around 16 million other people in
the world.
  (Ed: Just in case you're curious - as I was: the world population of human
   beans as of today, Friday 17th December 1999 will be 6,031,635,867.
   That's according to Click here anyway)

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long - it refers
to a component of DNA.

No president of the United States has ever been an only child.
[ End Friday humour ]

   +++ And to all you Friday humourites - have a really terrific Christmas,
   and a fun New Year's Eve, and if you can't be good - be careful ... +++

      .-/___,-/___,-/___,-/___,-/__           _.-.=,{\/ _/  /`)
   *-/___,-/___,-/___,-/___,-/___, )     _..-'`-(`._(_.;`   /
    `\ _ )`\ _ )`\ _ )`\ _ )`\ _ )<`--''`     (__\_________/___,  _   _   _
     << /< /< <\ </ /< /< /< </ /<           (_____Y_____Y___, _  _  _  _

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