Friday humour - December 10, 1999

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

         And - gidday,
    It's probably about time we passed on some of the Christmas and Y2K
    spirit, so there's plenty of that this week.  Lots of material from the
    Westerly List, as well as contributions from Nicki A-O, Dave Moors, Ron
    Kerpen, Jean, Nestor, David McCallum, Steve Harding, and Ian
    Madsen.  And - yep - some visual (and music) humour a bit later ...

    This first one's off that old Westerly List:
                      --------------------

             THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS - A MOTHER'S GIFT

       'Twas the night before Christmas, when all thru the abode,
        Only one creature was stirring and she cleaned the commode.
        The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds,
        While visions of Nintendo and Barbie spun through their heads.

        The dad - he was snoring in front of TV,
        With a half-assembled bicycle up on his knee.
        So only the mum heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
        Which just made her sigh, "NOW what's the matter?"

        With a toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
        She descended the stairs, and then saw the old man.
        He was covered with soot, which fell with a shrug.
        "Oh, great" muttered mum, "Now I have to clean the rug."

       "Ho-ho-ho!" cried Santa, "I'm glad you're awake."
        "Your gift was especially difficult to make."

       "Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone."

        "Exactly!" he chuckled, "I've made you a clone."

        "A clone?" she asked, "What good is that?
        Run along, Santa, I've no time for chit-chat."

       "She's your twin - same hair, same eyes, and same double chin.
        She'll cook and she'll dust, she'll mop every mess.
        You'll relax, take it easy, watch The Young & the Restless."

       "Fantastic!" the mum cheered.  "My dream has come true!
        I'll shop and I'll read - I'll sleep a whole night through!"

        From the room above, the youngest began to fret.
       "Mummy?!  I'm scared and I'm wet."
       The clone replied, "I'm coming, sweetheart."
       "Hey," the mum smiled.  "She knows her part!"

       The clone changed the small one, and hummed a small tune,
       As she bundled the child in a blanket cocoon.
       "You're the best mummy ever!  I really love you ..."
       The clone smiled and sighed, "Darling, I love you too."

       The mum frowned and said, "Sorry Santa - no deal."
       "That's my child's love that she's trying to steal."

       Smiling wisely, Santa said, "Hmmmm - to me, it is clear,
       Only one loving mother is needed here."

       So the mum kissed her child, and tucked her in bed.
       "Oh thank you, dear Santa, for clearing my head.
       I sometimes forget - it won't be so long,
       When they'll be too old for my cradle-song."

       The clock on the mantle began to chime.
       Santa whispered to clone, "It works every time!"
       With the clone by his side, Santa said,
       "Good night - Merry Christmas, Mum - you'll be just fine."
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     Just before we go on to a contribution from Nicki A-O, here's one more
     from out West (from Dilbert) - fairly short and sweet:
                             --------------------

                          SHORT TALE FROM AN OZ SCHOOL

At the start of English class one morning a girl complained she did not have
a chair to sit on.  Our teacher told her to wait a moment while she went to
the room next door to check if they had any spares.  She left by the door at
the front of our classroom and entered a moment later through the door at the
rear of our class.  Unaware that she had re-entered the same room, she said,
"Do you have any extra chairs?"

"No," someone replied.

"Okay," she said, and left.

She re-entered the door in the front of the room and said, "I'm sorry, they
don't have any chairs.  You will just have to kneel."

To this day she is unaware what the laughter was for.
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     Okay - here's Nicki Agron-Olshina carefully picking her way through
     all those pot plants in XRD to forward these on to you:
                             --------------------

                             SOME QUOTABLE QUOTES

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I
can't help but cry.  I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all
those flies and death and stuff.
   --Mariah Carey

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: I would not live forever because we should not live forever, because
if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot
live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
   --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions
in the brain as marijuana.  The researchers also discovered other similarities
between the two, but they can't remember what they are ...
   --Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

Smoking kills.  If you're killed, you've lost an important part of your life.
   --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for the
     Federal Anti-Smoking Campaign

The streets are safe in Philadelphia.
It's only the people who make them unsafe.
   --Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school
board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the
post.
   --Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island
 (Charming!)
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                            SOME MULTIMEDIA

    Just before we go on to some Y2K humour, here's the multimedia
    offerings for the week.  First one's from Dave Moors:

       What the' ...  Click here

    And then, what Christmas would be complete without that brief little
    ho-ho-ho clip (which sounds like it was backed by Kevin Bloody Wilson):

       Ho Ho: Click here

    By the way, Kevin has a web page, so if you enjoy that sort of material,
    check out Click here and (for some actual material)

    Click here

    This next one was just forwarded on by Chris Phyland over at Novel Battery
    Technologies (it's just sitting on my home server, so ...):

       Rudolph: Click here

    Finally, Nikki the Scarlett recently pointed out this hilarious one:

       Not My Job: Click here
   --------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Now for another bit of Y2K humour.  This one was forwarded on
       by Ron Kerpen:
                             --------------------

                               The C Days of Y2K

Performed at LISA 1999 / Seattle, Washington by sing; sing; halt:
Michael J. Bauer,Adam Hirsch, Kit, Phil Kizer, Jon Kuroda, Kendall Libby,
Lamont Lucas, Matt Pounsett, and Chad Robinson.

On the first day of Y2K, my server said to me:
It's January, 1970.

On the second day of Y2K, my server said to me:
/var is full, and it's January, 1970.

On the third day of Y2K, my server said to me:
stale file handle, /var is full, and it's January, 1970.

On the fourth day of Y2K, my server said to me:
hme is down, stale file handle, /var is full, and it's January, 1970.

On the fifth day of Y2K, my server said to me:
no route to host... hme is down, stale file handle, /var is full, and it's
January, 1970.

On the sixth day of Y2K, my server said to me:
bad magic number, no route to host... hme is down, stale file handle, /var
is full, and it's January, 1970.

On the seventh day of Y2K, my server said to me:
can't open socket, bad magic number, no route to host... hme is down, stale
file handle, /var is full, and it's January, 1970.

On the eighth day of Y2K, my server said to me:
panic! double panic!, can't open socket, bad magic number, no route to
host... hme is down, stale file handle,
/var is full, and it's January, 1970.

On the ninth day of Y2K, my server said to me:
can't fork process, panic! double panic!, can't open socket, bad magic
number, no route to host... hme is down, stale file handle, /var is full,
and it's January, 1970.

On the A day of Y2K, my server said to me:
out of ttys, can't fork process, panic! double panic!, can't open socket,
bad magic number, no route to host... hme is down, stale file handle, /var
is full, and it's January, 1970.

On the B day of Y2K, my server said to me:
enter system password, out of ttys, can't fork process, panic! double
panic!, can't open socket, bad magic
number, no route to host... hme is down, stale file handle, /var is full,
and it's January, 1970.

On the C day of Y2K, my server said to me:
ok
enter system password, out of ttys, can't fork process, panic! double
panic!, can't open socket, bad magic number, no route to host... hme is
down, stale file handle, /var is full, and it's January,1970.
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         Now - time for some more feline humour from Jean:
                             --------------------

                               FELINE PHYSICS

    Law of Cat Inertia:
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside
force, such as the opening of cat food or a nearby scurrying mouse.

    Law of Cat Motion:
A cat will move in a straight line (unless there is a really good reason to
change direction).

    Law of Cat Magnetism:
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to
the darkness of the fabric.

    Law of Cat Thermodynamics:
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body - except in the case of a cat, in
which case all heat flows to the cat.

    Law of Cat Stretching:
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just
taken.

    Law of Cat Sleeping:
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as
uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for
the cat.

    Law of Cat Elongation:
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that
has anything remotely interesting on it.

    Law of Cat Obstruction:
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position as to maximise, at all times,
the amount of human foot traffic.

    Law of Cat Acceleration:
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets ready to stop.

    Law of Dinner Table Attendance:
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

    Law of Rug Configuration:
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

    First Law of Energy Conservation:
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore,
use as little energy as possible.

    Law of Refrigerator Observation:
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and
take out something good to eat.

    Law of Electric Blanket Attraction:
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will enter the bed at the speed of light.

    Law of Random Comfort Seeking:
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in
any given room.

    Law of Bag/Box Occupancy:
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest
possible nanosecond.

    Law of Milk Consumption:
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

    Law of Furniture Replacement:
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of
the furniture.

    Law of Cat Disinterest:
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of
effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

    Law of Pill Rejection:
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
   --------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Okay - over to Nestor, now (doubtless buried in snow again) for these:
                             --------------------

                               CHRISTMAS PAGEANT

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church.
At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most
important role.

Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, "Well, you
just ask Mum.  She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is
to be an angel."

    ... and

                               THE NATIVITY SCENE

A 7-year old child was drawing a picture of the Nativity.  The picture was
very good, including Mary, Joseph and, of course, baby Jesus.

However, there was a fat man standing in the corner of the stable, that
just did not seem to fit in.  When the child was asked about it, she replied,
"Oh, That's Round John Virgin."
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                And a couple more from the List Out West ...
                             --------------------

                            A PRETTY CARD TO SEND ...


                                                    __.  .--,
      .-/___,-/___,-/___,-/___,-/__           _.-.=,{\/ _/  /`)
   *-/___,-/___,-/___,-/___,-/___, )     _..-'`-(`._(_.;`   /
    `\ _ )`\ _ )`\ _ )`\ _ )`\ _ )<`--''`     (__\_________/___,
     << /< /< <\ </ /< /< /< </ /<           (_____Y_____Y___,

                            Season's Greetings!
                               Money's Short
                              And Times are Hard
                             Here's your Fucking
                               Christmas Card
                             --------------------

     ... and ...


           Twas the night before Christmas
              and all through the house
                everyone felt shitty
                  even the mouse.

                Mum at the whorehouse,
                and dad smoking grass.
                I'd just settled down
               for a nice piece of arse.

                When out on the lawn
                I heard such a clatter
                I sprung from my piece
               to see what's the matter.

                Then out on the lawn
                I saw a big dick
                I knew in a moment
               it must be Saint Nick.

               He came down the chimney
                like a bat out of hell
                I knew in a moment
                the old fucker fell.

              He filled all our stockings
                with pretzels and beer,
                and a big rubber dick
               for my brother the queer.

                He rose up the chimney
                with a thunderous fart
                  the son of a bitch
                blew the chimney apart.

                He swore and he cursed
                as he rode out of sight
                  so piss on you all
                and have a good night.
   --------------------------------------------------------------------------


          Now for a short contribution from David McCallum:
                             --------------------

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for
possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.  At closing
time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his
keys on five different cars before he found his.  Then the man sat in the
front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.  By this time
everyone had left the bar and drove off.

Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.  However, the police
officer was waiting for him.  He stopped the driver, read him his rights and
administered the Breathalyser test.  The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.  With a smile on his
face, the driver replied, "Well, tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
   --------------------------------------------------------------------------


       And for the penultimate contribution for this week - this one which
       was forwarded on by Steve Harding:
                             --------------------

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get
a Philip's Screwdriver?

Why do we say something is out of whack?  What is a whack?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who
drives a race car not called a racist?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does
he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland
called "Holes?"
   --------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Finally for this week - another contribution from Ian Madsen.
                             --------------------

One Christmas long long ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip,
but there were problems everywhere.

Most of his elves were sick and couldn't come to work.  The rest couldn't
make the toys fast enough and they were falling way behind schedule.

Then, Mrs Claus told him that her mother was coming to visit.  His mother-in-
law was the last thing he needed now.

Then, when he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
pregnant.  Another two had jumped the fence and taken off - heaven knows where.

More Stress.

Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked, and the
toy bag fell to the ground and scattered broken toys everywhere.

About to lose his cool completely, Santa went back into the house for a
cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey to try and regain his composure.  When
he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had hidden his grog and
there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of
little pieces.  He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the
straw it was made from.

Santa fought to contain his growing anger when - just then - the doorbell rang.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a GREAT big Christmas
Tree and an equally big smile.

The little angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa!  Isn't it
just such a lovely day.  I have this GREAT big Christmas Tree for you -
where would you like me to stick it?"

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
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[ End Friday humour ]




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