Friday humour - December 03, 1999

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

   For those of you outside Oz - summer hit us with a vengeance this week.
   Topped out at 36C yesterday (97F), and power blackouts across Melbourne's
   south-eastern suburbs for much of the morning (probably because of all
   the air-conditioners running flat-chat).  And the 500 MW feed from
   Melbourne to Adelaide dropped out, so Adelaide ended up in deep sh_t as
   well :-) (No air-con here at the Sanderson Castle either ... still over
   30C in this room as I string this together - gasp).

   There's some more pictorial humour this week (a bit further down), but
   first up, a contribution from Dave Moors:

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment to get their parents to
tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.  The next day the kids came
back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.  One
time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat Of the
pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke
and made a mess"

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too.  But we raise chickens for the meat market.
We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live
chicks.  And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until
they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy.  Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob.  Uncle Bob was a
pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit.  He had to Bail out over enemy
territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a
machete.  He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then
he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.  He killed seventy of them
with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more
with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with
his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "And just what kind of moral do
we learn from that horrible story?"

"Don't f__ck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

    Now to Mad Mick in the U.K., and (as he put it): "... a few more Sporting
    commentator goofs supplied by a good friend of mine Rod Symondson."

"Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator"
(John Arlott - BBC Cricket commentator, sadly no longer with us)

"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership,
but there are none better".  (Ron Atkinson - Brit team Soccer boss).

"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all
over their faces." (Ron Atkinson)

"Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel - a Mecca for tourists."
(David Vine - BBC Sports commentator)

"Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever.  And all those times are
at 1500 metres."  (David Coleman)

"Julian Dicks is everywhere.  It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the
field." (Metro Radio)

" ....and later we will have action from the men's cockless pairs"
(Sue Barker - Retired Brit Tennis player and now BBC Sports commentator).

Dennis Pennis: "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?"
Chris Eubank: "On what ?"  (Chrith Eubank ith a Brit Boxther)

"To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch."
(Ruud Gullit - Born a Dutchman -Brit Premier League Soccer Boss)

'Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."  (Ron Atkinson)

"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow
strip"  (John Motson - BBC Font of all Knowledge Football commentator)

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for
even longer."  (David Acfield)

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack?  Will you stay in football?"
(Stuart Hall - BBC Radio 5 live )

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona"
(Mark Draper - Aston Villa)

" ... and Ray Illingworth is relieving himself in front of the pavilion"
(John Arlott)

"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before
each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... oh, my God,
what have I just said?" (USTV commentator)

     Now for one from John Klimek over at the frothy C.U.B. factory
     (Ahhh ... "Matter of fact, I've got it now ...")

                            ENGINEERING TALK

Engineering talk is often difficult to understand by people uninitiated in
the sciences.  Listed below are some terms that are used commonly by engineers
and technicians, together with a lay translation:

A description of an item of equipment indicating that it does not work quite
as well as when it was new.  This situation is not expected to improve in
the near future.

F__KED ...
Terminally stuffed.

F__K ME DEAD ...
A technical expression meaning that after you have totally stripped an
assembly you didn't really need to, you have read the manual to discover
a major warning in bold type saying never to touch that part under any
circumstances whatsoever, as it requires factory (overseas) realignment.

F__K IT ALL ...
An expression that follows the tinging sound of a miniature spring or circlip
bouncing off something on the other side of the room.  Unfortunately, you
didn't see where it came from, where it went to, and have no idea what it
looks like.

An expression used after 2 full days reassembling and mechanical aligning
to find that an extremely fundamental part is still sitting under the
workshop bench.

The expression used immediately after stripping the thread or hexagon off
a small bolt and remembering that it had a left hand thread.

The technical expression denoting full understanding that the thing you
have just dropped into the bowels of the machine is not only critically
important to the machines operation, but is completely beyond retrieval.

Something weighing 400kg is sitting on my finger.

SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, F_______CK ...
Something HOT weighing 400 kg is sitting on my finger.

HOW THE F__K? ...
Often used to indicate that in your opinion the designers of the machine
might have done something a bit differently.

Somebody will have to find a first aid kit.

This is a 440 Volt circuit ... and I think I've forgotten to isolate it.

You see a severed 200 cable wiring harness and reach an immediate
understanding of why the equipment rack required so much extra force to
close it.  NOTE: If the word HOLY is used in conjunction with this expression,
it means that all 200 wires in the harness are the same colour.

I have just picked up the wrong end of a soldering iron.

My tie is caught in something being driven by a 200 horsepower motor, and
I don't ... quite seem to ... be able reach ... the power swi ...

An indication of full acceptance that the final, binding quote given to
the customer omitted the $1800 parts content of the job.

      Okay - time for something from Dave McCallum _and_ Jean.
      (David just forwarded it; Jean sent it on several months back):

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word
from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter,
and supply a new definition.  Here are some recent winners:

Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't
get it.

To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Terminal coolness.

A degenerate disease.

It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?
And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your
money to start with.

A person who's both stupid _and_ an arsehole.

     Ah - almost forgot about the pictorial contributions!  These are sitting
     up on Steve Harding's site again this week (thanks Steve), which can feed
     around 50 KBytes/sec, so those of you with a high bandwidth connection
     should be able to get them pretty quickly.  (If you're on a modem, you'll
     need to click on them and wait for 6 or 7 minutes while they load -
     they're all up around 1 MByte each).

     BTW - two of these are MPEG files (.mpg) so you'll need a suitable
     MPEG player.  If you need one for a PC with MS Windoze, try:
     Click here

     Anyway - first one's from our brand new mummy (well, almost brand new) -
     one of our XRD researchers here, Nikki Scarlett:
     Parachuting: Click here

     Coincidentally, the next one's from Nikki's boss - Ian Madsen:
     Elf Bowl: Click here

     Last one's somewhat disgusting (so most of you will love it) but I'd
     better not dob on the contributor.  Don't try this at home:
     What was for lunch: Click here

     Now for another contribution from Mad Mick Rand (yep - cousin of
     David :-) ... some slightly modified proverbs:


1.   Home is where you hang your @.
2.   The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3.   A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4.   C:\ is the root of all directories.
5.   Oh, what a tangled web site we weave.
6.   Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
7.   The modem is the message.
8.   Too many clicks spoil the browse.
9.   There's no place like Click here
10.  Don't byte off more than you can view.
11.  What boots up must come down.
12.  Virtual reality is its own reward.
13.  Modulation in all things.
14.  Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use
     the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

     Lachlan's gone a bit quiet lately in the emailed-jokes department,
     but he did send a few onto our Westerly list this week - here's two:

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Drink until she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

Don't hit a man with glasses.  Use your fist.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Excuses and opinions are like butts - everyone's got 'em and they all stink.
                           #     #     #     #

   and ...

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of
a flagpole.

So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're
falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is
just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over,
pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end
to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.

After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs.

"Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he
gives us the length."

     Emma in Marketing sent this in a couple of days ago.  We actually
     did run it back in February (via Nicki A-O), but it's still worth a
     re-run in case you missed it:

As you are receiving this by e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily
this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with
serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of
Chicago for a vacation in Florida.  His wife was on a business trip and
was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail
address, he did his best to type it in from memory.  Unfortunately, he
missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly
preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the
monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the

  Dearest Wife,

    Just got checked in.

    Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

      PS: Sure is HOT down here.

   Here's one more from David McCallum - something in the Christmas spirit:

A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on
a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve.  Santa arrives, climbs down the
chimney, and begins filling the socks.  He is about to leave when the girl,
who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa,
please stay.  Keep the chill away."

Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to
the children, you know."

The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an
even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stay for a while..."

Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go.  Gotta
get the presents to the children, you know."

The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay."
Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta get
the presents to the children, you know."

She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay...."

Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay,
Gotta stay, Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!"

      This final contribution will be the third one this week from an
      ex-elevator person.  It's from John Hasapis (via Jenny Chong):


Programmer to Team Leader:

"We can't do this proposed project. **CAN NOT**.  It will involve a major
design change and no one in our team knows the design of this legacy system.
And above that, nobody in our company knows the language in which this
application has been written.  So even if somebody wants to work on it,
they can't.  If you ask my personal opinion, the company should never take
these type of projects."

Team Leader to Project Manager:

"This project will involve a design change.  Currently, we don't have any staff
who has experience in this type of work.  Also, the language is unfamiliar to
us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we take this project.  In
my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a project of this nature."

Project Manager to 1st Level Manager:

"This project involves a design change in the system and we don't have
much experience in that area.  Also, not many people in our company are
appropriately trained for it.  In my personal opinion, we might be able to
do the project but we would need more time than usual to complete it."

1st Level Manager to Senior Level Manager:

"This project involves design re-engineering.  We have some people who have
worked in this area and others who know the implementation language.  So they
can train other people.  In my personal opinion we should take this project,
but with caution."

Senior Level Manager to CEO:

"This project will demonstrate to the industry our capabilities in remodeling
the design of a complete legacy system.  We have all the necessary skills
and people to execute this project successfully.  Some people have already
given in-house training in this area to other staff members.  In my personal
opinion, we should not let this project slip by us under any circumstances."

CEO to Client:

"This is the type of project in which our company specialises.  We have
executed many projects of the same nature for many large clients.  Trust me
when I say that we are the most competent firm in the industry for doing
this kind of work.  It is my personal opinion that we can execute this
project successfully and well within the given time frame."
[ End Friday Humour ]

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