Friday humour - November 26, 1999

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

  And here's the last collection of life's little wisdoms for November 1999.
  Getting closer and closer to "that" date - which reminds me of one that
  Jean forwarded on from someone over at CMIS (Maths and Info Science):

Someone wrote on our notice board: "Due to the Y2K problem, Microsoft will
not be releasing Windows 2000 until 1901".

    On a vaguely similar topic, this recently arrived from Nestor at ANL,
    and then quite separately from Colin MacRae:

Friday, 19/11/1999 was the last day that had all odd digits in its date until
1/1/3111.  You have witnessed the last "odd digit day" in your lifetime, and
for approximately 37 generations to come.  (1 month, 11 days, and 1111 years
to go)

2/2/2000 will be the first time since 28/8/888 that all the digits in the
date are even.  A span of 1111 years + 127 days.

    Now later on, there's a couple more bits of visual humour, but while I
    think of it - for those of you who know Lachlan and haven't yet
    explored his home page at over at Daresbury, click on this link and
    at least bookmark it for later:

    Lachlan's home page in Daresbury: Click here

    He's been very busy with his digital camera.  For example, if you
    enjoy looking at the English countryside, check out things like "An
    Early Autumn (1999) walk around the Daresbury Firs/Daresury woodland
    and Daresbury Village" - the direct link which is currently:

    Early Autumn: Click here

    Anyway - getting back to the joke collection - Jean also forwarded
    on this (slightly longer) piece from Liz Davy:

                          TRUTH IN ADVERTISING

Two little boys go into the grocery store.  One is nine, one is four.  The
nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the
girl at the cash register.

The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mum, huh?"  The nine year old
replies "Nope, not for my mum."

Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister

The nine year old grinned, "Nope - not for my sister either."

The cashier had now become curious "Oh.  Not for your mum and not for your
sister, who are they for?"

The nine year old says "They're for my four year old little brother."

The cashier is surprised "Your four year old little brother??"

The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of
these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of

         Okay - now it's time for a short one from David McCallum:

                              THINK QUICK

One day an old guy gets on a bus.  Several minutes later a punk kid with the
red, green, and orange hair gets on.

The kid notices that the old man keeps staring at him.  He glares at the old
guy and says, "Whaddya starin' at, OLD MAN?  Ain't y'ever done anythin' wild
in your life?"

The old guy scratches his head, then says, "Yeah ... I fucked a parrot once.
I was just wondering if you were my kid?"

     Some more bumper stickers now - these floated through on our old
     Westerly list back in March:

                         MORE U.S. BUMPER STICKERS

Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.

Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window

Seen on the back of a biker's vest: If you can read this, my woman fell off.

If you can beat me, you can eat me! (seen on a Corvette driven by a"drop-dead
gorgeous blonde")

Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

If you can read this, please flip me back over ... (seen upside down, on a

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.

Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.

Feel safe tonight ... Sleep with a cop.

Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.

GUYS: No shirt, no service.  GALS: No shirt, no charge.

If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

Boldly going nowhere

Cat: The other white meat

CAUTION - Driver legally blonde

Don't be sexist - broads hate that!

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway

He's not dead, He's electro-encephalographically challenged

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets

If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now

WARNING!  Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

     Now for a little something from Lee McRae over at Melbourne Uni, who
     says: "Hope all is well.  Here are a few politically-incorrect jokes
     for Friday humour":

   This is going to offend damn near everybody ...

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.

What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.

Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future, either.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying, "Yo"

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

Why do driver education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Education class uses it.

What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal and a recipe on the front of
the cage.

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins: "Once upon a time ..."
A Southern fairytale begins: "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit ..."

What's the new Australian national anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

     That earlier Fifi contribution was a bit on the short side, so here's
     something a little longer - from back in July:

  From a recent Defence Science Lectures Series, as related by the head of
  the Australian DSTO's Land Operations/Simulation division.

They've been working on some really nifty virtual reality simulators, the
case in point being to incorporate Armed Reconnaissance Helicopters into
exercises (from the data fusion point of view).  Most of the people they
employ on this sort of thing are ex- (or future) computer game programmers.

Anyway, as part of the reality parameters, they include things like trees and
animals.  And for the Australian simulation, they included some kangaroos.
In particular, they had to model kangaroo movements and reactions to
helicopters (since hordes of disturbed kangaroos might well give away a
helicopter's position).

Being good programmers, they just stole some code (which was originally used
to model infantry detachments reactions under the same stimuli), and changed
the mapped icon, the speed parameters, etc.  The first time they've gone to
demonstrate this to some visiting Americans, the hotshot pilots have decided
to get "down and dirty" with the virtual kangaroos.  So, they buzz them, and
watch them scatter.

The visiting Americans nod appreciatively ... then gape as the kangaroos duck
around a hill and launch about two dozen Stinger missiles at the hapless

The programmers look rather embarrassed - they forgot to remove *that* part
of infantry coding, didn't they?  Nevertheless, the Americans leave muttering
comments about "... don't mess with the Aussie wildlife ..."

      Here's a nice short one from pommy-land (Brian McNicol):

A guy is having a beer with one of his mates and announces to him that he has
five penises.  His pal says "Wow!  How do your underpants fit?"

"Like a glove" the chap replies.

     Next contribution's from Craig Proctor at Marine Research in Hobart.
     It's quite a while since we had a Microsoft bash, so ... here goes:

                            MICROSOFT LIGHTBULBS

Q: How many Microsoft tech support people does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Four.  One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?"
One to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?"
Another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?"
And the last one to say "It must be your hardware - the light bulbs in our
labs here all work fine."
                       #    #    #    #    #    #

Q: How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Eight.  One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that Microsoft gets $2
for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
                       #    #    #    #    #    #

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None.  We just declare darkness to be the standard.  It's a "feature."
                       #    #    #    #    #    #

Q: How many Microsoft testers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We just determine that the room is dark; we don't actually change the
bulb.  Since we have a dead-bulb result on file from a previous test, rest
assured that Development is working on a bug fix.
                       #    #    #    #    #    #

Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision
for light bulbs to be removed.
                       #    #    #    #    #    #

Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?

A: He doesn't - "Our bulbs never burn out.  The only reason we keep releasing
   new ones is because users keep demanding new features"

      Now for another contribution from Martha Ruth Hills:

  This came from the University of Alabama, who are currently in a clinch with
  Auburn over (American) College football ...

                             University of Auburn
                             Entrance exam
                             Football player version
                             Time limit:   3 weeks


1.  What language is spoken in France?

2.  Give a dissertation on the Ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions
      - or -
    Give the first name of Pierre Tudeau.

3.  Would you ask William Shakespeare to:

     a. build a bridge
     b. sail the ocean
     c. lead an army
     d. write a play

4.  What religion is the Pope?

     a. Jewish
     b. Catholic
     c. Hindu
     d. Polish
     e. Agnostic
     (check only one)

5.  (Metric conversion) -  How many feet are in 0.0 meters?

6.  What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on
    the 5?

7.  How many commandments was Moses given?  (Approx.)

8.  What are the people in America's far north called?

    a. westerners
    b. southerners
    c. easterners
    d. northerners

9.  Spell the following:  Bush, Carter, and Clinton.

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being called
    George the Sixth.  Name the previous five.

11. Where does the rain come from?

    a. Macy's
    b. 7-11
    c. Canada
    d. The Sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?

    a. yes
    b. no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the national anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers principle of Dynamic equilibrium
        - or -
    Spell your name in block letters.

16. Where is the basement in a 3 story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?

    a. New York
    b. Florida
    c. Canada
    d. Wisconsin

18. Maths 101:  If you have 3 apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (national broadcasting co.) stand for?

20. The  University of Alabama tradition for efficiency began when?

    a. B.C.
    b. A.D.
    c. Still waiting

     Here's another cupla pics - the only problem is that I've lost
     track of both sender's names (drat).  I seem to remember that this
     first one was from a CSIRO colleague in Tasmania.  Anyway - enjoy:

   View (rating: slightly lewd): Click here

      and the other (very topical and bad taste for 5 or 6 months back :-)

   Moon River: Click here

     Time for another contribution from Nicki A-O over (who hangs out in that
     dreadfully messy XRD lab over there ... okay, okay - just kidding):

   From The Times:
'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster.  A coast-guard spokesman
commented:  "This sort of thing is all too common these days."'

   From The Derby Abbey Community News:
"We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr
Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'.  This was a typographical
error.  We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police

Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes.  That way,
when you criticise him, you are a mile away from him and you have his shoes.

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of
emergency.  I think one ought to write "A very good doctor."

      And to finish up for the week (and November) - one more from Jean
      (passed over by daughter Caroline).  Jean notes:  "This only works
      if 'Gogh' is pronounced 'Go', you'll notice."

          Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.  Among them were:

  His obnoxious brother.............................        Please
  His dizzy aunt ...................................        Verti
  The brother who ate prunes........................        Gotta
  The constipated uncle ............................        Can't
  The brother who worked at a convenience store.....        Stop'n
  His magician uncle................................        Wherediddy
  His Italian uncle.................................        Day
  His Mexican cousin................................        Amie
  The Mexican cousin's American half brother........        Grin
  The nephew who drove a stage coach ...............        Wellsfar
  The ballroom dancing aunt.........................        Tan
  A sister who loved disco..........................        Go
  The bird lover uncle..............................        Flamin
  His nephew psychoanalyst..........................        E
  The fruit loving cousin...........................        Man
  An aunt who taught positive thinking..............        Wayto
  And ... his niece who travels the country in a van....    Winnie Bay
[ End Friday humour ]

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