Friday humour - November 19, 1999

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

   Bit of variety this week - still mostly ASCII humour, but there's a few
   pics as well (further on down).

   First up in the ASCII department, though - some wry humour as forwarded
   on by Doug Knight back in May this year:


    Comprehending Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did
you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my
own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.  She threw the bike
to the ground, tore off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want!"

The second engineer nodded approvingly.  "Good choice - the clothes probably
wouldn't have fitted anyway."
                             #   #   #   #   #

    Comprehending Engineers - Take Two

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better
to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation
for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and
mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."


"Yeah.  If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are
spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some
work done."
                             #   #   #   #   #

    Comprehending Engineers - Take Three

What's the difference between Engineers and Architects?

Engineers build weapons.  Architects build targets.
                             #   #   #   #   #

    Comprehending Engineers - Take Four

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
                             #   #   #   #   #

    Comprehending Engineers - Take Five

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.  The frog spoke up
again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I
will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to
the pocket.  The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket.  Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter?  I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you
want.  Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer, okay?  I don't have time for a
girlfriend - but a talking frog, now that is COOL."

       Okay - now, about 12 months ago, John Sharples (Museum of Vic) sent
     me a little beer picture with the comment "Is Friday Humour ready for
     pictures yet?"  Well, it wasn't at the time, but now that we have an
     external site available, I can put them up.

       This one's just sitting on my own home server and it'll take about 40
     seconds to load (only a modem connection, I'm afraid) so you'll need to
     be patient if you want to see it:

     Beer: Click here

       Actually, there's a couple more bits of graphic humour, and I may as
     well group them together.  This next one's over a Meg in size, and
     Steve Harding (one of my ex "Elevator" colleagues) has kindly offered
     to put it on his system so you can download it reasonably quickly.

       NOTE - unfortunately, this is an EXE file, so (a) you can only see it
     if you have a PC, and (b) you will have to SAVE it in a directory
     (folder) when prompted, then go there and double-click on it.  (Mac and
     Unix users - forward it to a friend who has a PC and go look there :-)

       Originally forwarded on by Colin MacRae:

     Cyber Sex: Click here

       And finally, an interesting still image recently forwarded on by
     David Magnay at Telstra - some Mandarin Airlines activity (again, it's
     on my little '486 server at home, so at least 30 seconds to download):

     Mandarin Airlines: Click here

      Enough silly pictures (for those of you who could get them :-)  Now
      for some more ASCII material - this one passed on by Paul Jeffery:

Q1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who
were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis;
would you recommend that she have an abortion?  Read the next question before
scrolling down to the consequences of your choice.

Q2: It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts.  Here are the
facts about the three leading candidates:

Candidate A - associates with crooked politicians, and consults with
astrologists.  He's had two mistresses.  He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to
10 martinis a day.

Candidate B - was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium
in college, and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.

Candidate C - is a decorated war hero.  He is a vegetarian, he doesn't smoke,
drinks an occasional beer, and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.

Which of these candidates would be your choice?  Decide first - no peeking,
then scroll down for the answer:

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Candidate B is Winston Churchill.

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

Oh - and by the way - the answer to the abortion question:

If you said yes ... you just killed Beethoven.

    This next one was forwarded on by Lachlan (still over in Darsbury) a
    few months ago - he actually posted it to our Westerly jokes list:

University(tm): The Game!

Hey kids, check out the cool new game that's sweeping the nation!  Be the
first on your block to own a copy of "University(tm): The Game" from
TenureCo, the makers of such classics as "Rush Hour Madness,"  "My First Blue
Book Exam," "Little Lawyer," and "Johnny Tax Auditor."

With "University(tm): The Game" you can have all the fun and realism of the
undergraduate experience in the comfort of your own home.

  The game takes you through the whole process:

  - Application
  - Acceptance
  - Classwork
  - Research
  - Data analysis
  - Psychoanalysis
  - Authorship battles
  - Boring prac sessions
  - Incomprehensible lectures
  - Confusing lectures
  - Long lectures
  - Doped out
  - Depression
  - Overcooked tasteless canteen food
  - Social Isolation
  - Diarrhoea
  - Constipation
  - All night panic pre-finals cram sessions with Pseudo E Hydrochloride
  - Hopelessness
  - Anxiety
  - Job Hunting
  - Suicidal tendencies
  - Poverty

  and so much more!

Check out these great features of "University(tm): The Game:"

  * Choose Your Own Character

You have your choice of a wide variety of characters:
  - Jill: the emotionally unstable ABD
  - Fred: the naive first-year
  - George: the fixture-like ninth-year
  - Harold: the overwhelmed and under-funded RA
  - Laura: the disgruntled TA
  - Veronica: the gorgeous greek spunk who sneers whenever you walk by
  - Jacques: the exploited international student
  - Backstabbing Caroline: the political opportunist

And many, many more...

* Confront a Wide Array of Interesting Opponents

Throughout your quests in strange and exotic lands you will encounter
people who apparently receive great joy at your misfortune; in fact,
they are a major cause of this misfortune:

  - Prof. Rewrite: if he gets on your committee you're doomed

  - Metoo: A fellow grad student who becomes a dead weight on all
           your projects

  - Ronny: The smelly undergrad RA who scares all your subjects away

  - Partytime Pamela: Invites you to time-wasting parties every other night

  - Prof. Touchy-Feely: A sexual harassment case waiting to happen

  - Rod Starr: Super Grad Student, makes you look bad by graduating in 12
    days with 19 publications

  - Susan Stickyfingers: Your kleptomaniac officemate

Along with dozens of others!

* Real Life Challenges

Pick a Setback Card and see what fun adventures await you:

  - Join a Committee: See research slows down

  - Videogame attack: Lose 12 turns by playing Quake III

  - One More Analysis: Repeat all previous analyses

  - Dissertation Scooped: Go back to "new candidate" status

  - Get Drunk at a Conference: Spin the Faculty Insult Wheel for your penalty

  - Advisor Retires/Moves/Changes Interests: Start over

  - Car Towed: Sell your stereo to get it out of hock, lose motivation.

  - Roll the soul-searching dice to determine your next move.

* Different Ways to Finish!

Most other games are boring.  They have a "winner" and a bunch of "losers."
The goal of "University(tm): The Game" is different.  There are no winners in
grad school, only survivors and failures!  Your goal is to be a survivor, that
means different things to different people.

There are a wide range of ways to survive:

  - Go to law school: Successfully escape

  - Marry rich: Don't worry any more

  - Find God: Science is for fools

  - Start a family: Change your priorities

  - Capitalise on one of your ideas and make millions: Ah, =

  - Would you like fries with that?  Ah, humanities!

  - Go postal at your defence: doesn't a nice padded cell sound cozy?

  - Graduate: ???

"University(tm): The Game" - Look for it in a store near you!

     And a short one from Mad Mick Rand - also in the UK (well, he was
     last time I looked anyway):

An old age pensioner man met this old age pensioner woman at a tea
dance.  They hadn't seen each other since they had left school seventy
years ago.

They had a dance around the floor and the old man asked his new found
chum if she'd like to go back to his house with him.

"Well, I don't know ..." she said, "You see, I've got acute angina."

The man replied, "You've got great tits as well - let's go!"

     And to finish up - another one from John over at the Museum of Vic:

  God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage.  In order to
  better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer
  the following questions.

  Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely
  confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address
  unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

  1. How did you find out about your Deity?
  ___  Newspaper
  ___  Bible
  ___  Torah
  ___  Book of Mormon
  ___  Koran
  ___  Divine inspiration
  ___  Dead Sea Scrolls
  ___  My mama done tol' me
  ___  Near-death experience
  ___  Near-life experience
  ___  National Public Radio
  ___  Tabloid
  ___  Burning shrubbery
  ___  Other (specify): _____________

  2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
  ___  Yahweh
  ___  Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
  ___  Jehovah
  ___  Jesus
  ___  Krishna
  ___  Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
  ___  Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
  ___  Allah
  ___  Satan
  ___  Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
  ___  God 1.0a (hairy thunderer)
  ___  God 1.0b (cosmic muffin)
  ___  None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

  3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
     order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
  ___  Yes
  ___  No

  If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.

    Please indicate all of the following that apply:
  ___  Not eternal
  ___  Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
  ___  Not omniscient
  ___  Not omnipotent
  ___  Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
  ___  Permits sex outside of marriage
  ___  Prohibits sex outside of marriage
  ___  Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
  ___  Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
  ___  When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
  ___  Requires burnt offerings
  ___  Requires virgin sacrifices
  ___  Plays dice with the universe

  4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity?
     Please tick all that apply.
  ___  Indoctrinated by parents
  ___  Needed a reason to live
  ___  Indoctrinated by society
  ___  Needed focus in whom to despise
  ___  Imaginary friend grew up
  ___  Graduated from the tooth fairy
  ___  Hate to think for myself
  ___  Wanted to meet girls/boys
  ___  Fear of death
  ___  Wanted to piss off parents
  ___  Needed a day away from work
  ___  Desperate need for certainty
  ___  Like organ music
  ___  Need to feel morally superior
  ___  Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
  ___  My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

  5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before?  If so, which false god were
     you fooled by?  Please check all that apply.
  ___  Mick Jagger
  ___  Rajanish
  ___  Baal
  ___  The almighty dollar
  ___  Bill Gates
  ___  Left-wing liberalism
  ___  The radical right
  ___  Ra
  ___  Beelzebub
  ___  Barney T.B.P.D.
  ___  The Great Spirit
  ___  The Great Pumpkin
  ___  The sun
  ___  Elvis
  ___  Cindy Crawford
  ___  The moon
  ___  TV news
  ___  Burning shrubbery
  ___  Other: ________________

  6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition
     to God?  Please check all that apply.
  ___  Tarot
  ___  Lottery
  ___  Astrology
  ___  Television
  ___  Fortune cookies
  ___  Ann Landers
  ___  Psychic Friends Network
  ___  Dianetics
  ___  Palmistry
  ___  Playboy and/or Playgirl
  ___  Self-help books
  ___  Sex, drugs, rock and roll
  ___  Biorhythms
  ___  Alcohol
  ___  Bill Clinton
  ___  Tea leaves
  ___  ESP
  ___  CompuServe
  ___  Mantras
  ___  Jimmy Swaggert
  ___  Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
  ___  Human sacrifice
  ___  Pyramids
  ___  Wandering in a desert
  ___  Burning shrubbery
  ___  Barney T.B.P.D.
  ___  Barney Fife
  ___  Other:___________

  7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the
     balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.  Which would you
     prefer (circle one)?

     a. More divine intervention
     b. Less divine intervention
     c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
     d. Don't know ... what's divine intervention?

  8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
     miracles.  Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the
     following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):


  1 2 3 4 5   Flood
  1 2 3 4 5   Famine
  1 2 3 4 5   Earthquake
  1 2 3 4 5   War
  1 2 3 4 5   Plague
  1 2 3 4 5   Spam
  1 2 3 4 5   AOL


  1 2 3 4 5   Rescues
  1 2 3 4 5   Spontaneous remissions
  1 2 3 4 5   Stars hovering over jerkwater towns
  1 2 3 4 5   Crying statues
  1 2 3 4 5   Water changing to wine
  1 2 3 4 5   Walking on water
  1 2 3 4 5   VCRs that set their own clocks
  1 2 3 4 5   Saddam Hussain still alive
  1 2 3 4 5   Getting any sex whatsoever

  9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the
     quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)

[End Friday humour ]

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