Friday humour - November 19, 1999
From Tony at Bluehaze:
Yo,
Bit of variety this week - still mostly ASCII humour, but there's a few
pics as well (further on down).
First up in the ASCII department, though - some wry humour as forwarded
on by Doug Knight back in May this year:
--------------------
ENGINEERS
Comprehending Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did
you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my
own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike
to the ground, tore off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want!"
The second engineer nodded approvingly. "Good choice - the clothes probably
wouldn't have fitted anyway."
# # # # #
Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better
to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation
for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and
mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are
spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some
work done."
# # # # #
Comprehending Engineers - Take Three
What's the difference between Engineers and Architects?
Engineers build weapons. Architects build targets.
# # # # #
Comprehending Engineers - Take Four
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
# # # # #
Comprehending Engineers - Take Five
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up
again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I
will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to
the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you
want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer, okay? I don't have time for a
girlfriend - but a talking frog, now that is COOL."
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Okay - now, about 12 months ago, John Sharples (Museum of Vic) sent
me a little beer picture with the comment "Is Friday Humour ready for
pictures yet?" Well, it wasn't at the time, but now that we have an
external site available, I can put them up.
This one's just sitting on my own home server and it'll take about 40
seconds to load (only a modem connection, I'm afraid) so you'll need to
be patient if you want to see it:
Beer: Click here
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Actually, there's a couple more bits of graphic humour, and I may as
well group them together. This next one's over a Meg in size, and
Steve Harding (one of my ex "Elevator" colleagues) has kindly offered
to put it on his system so you can download it reasonably quickly.
NOTE - unfortunately, this is an EXE file, so (a) you can only see it
if you have a PC, and (b) you will have to SAVE it in a directory
(folder) when prompted, then go there and double-click on it. (Mac and
Unix users - forward it to a friend who has a PC and go look there :-)
Originally forwarded on by Colin MacRae:
Cyber Sex: Click here
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And finally, an interesting still image recently forwarded on by
David Magnay at Telstra - some Mandarin Airlines activity (again, it's
on my little '486 server at home, so at least 30 seconds to download):
Mandarin Airlines: Click here
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Enough silly pictures (for those of you who could get them :-) Now
for some more ASCII material - this one passed on by Paul Jeffery:
--------------------
Q1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who
were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis;
would you recommend that she have an abortion? Read the next question before
scrolling down to the consequences of your choice.
Q2: It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the
facts about the three leading candidates:
Candidate A - associates with crooked politicians, and consults with
astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to
10 martinis a day.
Candidate B - was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium
in college, and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.
Candidate C - is a decorated war hero. He is a vegetarian, he doesn't smoke,
drinks an occasional beer, and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.
Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first - no peeking,
then scroll down for the answer:
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.
Oh - and by the way - the answer to the abortion question:
If you said yes ... you just killed Beethoven.
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This next one was forwarded on by Lachlan (still over in Darsbury) a
few months ago - he actually posted it to our Westerly jokes list:
--------------------
University(tm): The Game!
Hey kids, check out the cool new game that's sweeping the nation! Be the
first on your block to own a copy of "University(tm): The Game" from
TenureCo, the makers of such classics as "Rush Hour Madness," "My First Blue
Book Exam," "Little Lawyer," and "Johnny Tax Auditor."
With "University(tm): The Game" you can have all the fun and realism of the
undergraduate experience in the comfort of your own home.
The game takes you through the whole process:
- Application
- Acceptance
- Classwork
- Research
- Data analysis
- Psychoanalysis
- Authorship battles
- Boring prac sessions
- Incomprehensible lectures
- Confusing lectures
- Long lectures
- Doped out
- Depression
- Overcooked tasteless canteen food
- Social Isolation
- Diarrhoea
- Constipation
- All night panic pre-finals cram sessions with Pseudo E Hydrochloride
- Hopelessness
- Anxiety
- Job Hunting
- Suicidal tendencies
- Poverty
and so much more!
Check out these great features of "University(tm): The Game:"
* Choose Your Own Character
You have your choice of a wide variety of characters:
- Jill: the emotionally unstable ABD
- Fred: the naive first-year
- George: the fixture-like ninth-year
- Harold: the overwhelmed and under-funded RA
- Laura: the disgruntled TA
- Veronica: the gorgeous greek spunk who sneers whenever you walk by
- Jacques: the exploited international student
- Backstabbing Caroline: the political opportunist
And many, many more...
* Confront a Wide Array of Interesting Opponents
Throughout your quests in strange and exotic lands you will encounter
people who apparently receive great joy at your misfortune; in fact,
they are a major cause of this misfortune:
- Prof. Rewrite: if he gets on your committee you're doomed
- Metoo: A fellow grad student who becomes a dead weight on all
your projects
- Ronny: The smelly undergrad RA who scares all your subjects away
- Partytime Pamela: Invites you to time-wasting parties every other night
- Prof. Touchy-Feely: A sexual harassment case waiting to happen
- Rod Starr: Super Grad Student, makes you look bad by graduating in 12
days with 19 publications
- Susan Stickyfingers: Your kleptomaniac officemate
Along with dozens of others!
* Real Life Challenges
Pick a Setback Card and see what fun adventures await you:
- Join a Committee: See research slows down
- Videogame attack: Lose 12 turns by playing Quake III
- One More Analysis: Repeat all previous analyses
- Dissertation Scooped: Go back to "new candidate" status
- Get Drunk at a Conference: Spin the Faculty Insult Wheel for your penalty
- Advisor Retires/Moves/Changes Interests: Start over
- Car Towed: Sell your stereo to get it out of hock, lose motivation.
- Roll the soul-searching dice to determine your next move.
* Different Ways to Finish!
Most other games are boring. They have a "winner" and a bunch of "losers."
The goal of "University(tm): The Game" is different. There are no winners in
grad school, only survivors and failures! Your goal is to be a survivor, that
means different things to different people.
There are a wide range of ways to survive:
- Go to law school: Successfully escape
- Marry rich: Don't worry any more
- Find God: Science is for fools
- Start a family: Change your priorities
- Capitalise on one of your ideas and make millions: Ah, =
engineering...
- Would you like fries with that? Ah, humanities!
- Go postal at your defence: doesn't a nice padded cell sound cozy?
- Graduate: ???
"University(tm): The Game" - Look for it in a store near you!
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And a short one from Mad Mick Rand - also in the UK (well, he was
last time I looked anyway):
--------------------
An old age pensioner man met this old age pensioner woman at a tea
dance. They hadn't seen each other since they had left school seventy
years ago.
They had a dance around the floor and the old man asked his new found
chum if she'd like to go back to his house with him.
"Well, I don't know ..." she said, "You see, I've got acute angina."
The man replied, "You've got great tits as well - let's go!"
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And to finish up - another one from John over at the Museum of Vic:
--------------------
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to
better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer
the following questions.
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely
confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address
unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about your Deity?
___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Divine inspiration
___ Dead Sea Scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near-death experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
___ Yahweh
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
___ Jehovah
___ Jesus
___ Krishna
___ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
___ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
___ Allah
___ Satan
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ God 1.0a (hairy thunderer)
___ God 1.0b (cosmic muffin)
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
___ Yes
___ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
Please indicate all of the following that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
___ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity?
Please tick all that apply.
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed focus in whom to despise
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ Hate to think for myself
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ Wanted to piss off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Desperate need for certainty
___ Like organ music
___ Need to feel morally superior
___ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, which false god were
you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
___ Mick Jagger
___ Rajanish
___ Baal
___ The almighty dollar
___ Bill Gates
___ Left-wing liberalism
___ The radical right
___ Ra
___ Beelzebub
___ Barney T.B.P.D.
___ The Great Spirit
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ The sun
___ Elvis
___ Cindy Crawford
___ The moon
___ TV news
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition
to God? Please check all that apply.
___ Tarot
___ Lottery
___ Astrology
___ Television
___ Fortune cookies
___ Ann Landers
___ Psychic Friends Network
___ Dianetics
___ Palmistry
___ Playboy and/or Playgirl
___ Self-help books
___ Sex, drugs, rock and roll
___ Biorhythms
___ Alcohol
___ Bill Clinton
___ Tea leaves
___ ESP
___ CompuServe
___ Mantras
___ Jimmy Swaggert
___ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
___ Human sacrifice
___ Pyramids
___ Wandering in a desert
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Barney T.B.P.D.
___ Barney Fife
___ Other:___________
7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the
balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you
prefer (circle one)?
a. More divine intervention
b. Less divine intervention
c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
d. Don't know ... what's divine intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the
following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
DISASTERS:
1 2 3 4 5 Flood
1 2 3 4 5 Famine
1 2 3 4 5 Earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 War
1 2 3 4 5 Plague
1 2 3 4 5 Spam
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
MIRACLES:
1 2 3 4 5 Rescues
1 2 3 4 5 Spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 Stars hovering over jerkwater towns
1 2 3 4 5 Crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 Water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 Walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 Saddam Hussain still alive
1 2 3 4 5 Getting any sex whatsoever
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the
quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)
_____________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
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[End Friday humour ]
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