Friday humour - November 05, 1999

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

       Yo,
   More stuff from hither and thither - some just arrived this week, but a
   few are from October last year, so ... scattered again.  And it's big
   again this week too, because you guys still keep sending stuff in more
   quickly than I can manage to push it back out.  There's 455 lines of
   material here, but still another 28,000 lines where that came from ;-)

   Anyway, first up - this is a recent one as passed on by Bob Flann:
                              ----------------

                           HOW NOT TO ROB A BANK

A group of Irish gangsters are sitting around deliberating over methods they
will employ in robbing a bank.

After a lot of thought they all agree on the way to go about it.  In the wee
hours of the following morning they meet and embark on their plans to get rich.

Once inside the bank, efforts at disabling the internal security system get
under way immediately.  The robbers expecting to find one or two huge safes
filled with cash and valuables were more than surprised to see hundreds of
smaller safes scattered strategically throughout the bank.  The first safe's
combination was cracked, and inside the robbers found only a bowl of vanilla
pudding. "Well," said one robber to another, "at least we got a bit to eat."

They open up the second safe and it also contained nothing but vanilla
pudding, and the process continued until all the safes were opened and there
was not one dollar, a diamond, nor an ounce of gold to be found.

Instead, all the safes contained containers of pudding.

Disappointed, each of the mobsters made a quiet exit, leaving with nothing
more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The following morning, a Dublin newspaper headline read:

"IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING"
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    Now for some more cat-care advice as forwarded on by Jean:
                              ----------------

                             HOW TO BATHE A CAT

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both
   lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids
   (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
   CAUTION:  Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his
   paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.  This provides a "powerwash and
   rinse" which I have found to be quite effective

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no
   people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he
   will dry himself.
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    Next, another Fifi contribution.  However, this is one you could
    actually show your kids (or even your nieces and nephews)
                              ----------------

A man was walking home alone late one night, down a dark and spooky road,
when he hears a BUMP ... BUMP ... BUMP ... coming from behind him.

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin
banging its way down the middle of the street towards him ... BUMP ...
BUMP ... BUMP ...

Terrified, and scared to death, the man begins to run towards his home, but
the coffin continued, bouncing quickly behind him ... faster ... faster ...
BUMP ... BUMP ... BUMP ...

He runs up to his house, up to his door, fumbles with his keys and dropping
them twice, but finally opens the door, and he rushes inside, slams and locks
the door behind him.  However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the
lid of the coffin clapping ... clappity-BUMP ... clappity-BUMP ...  clappity
BUMP ... on the heels of the terrified man.

Completely terrified at this point, the man rushes upstairs to the bathroom,
and he slams and locks himself in.  His heart is pounding; his head is reeling;
his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.  With a loud CRASH, the coffin breaks
down the door.  Bumping and clapping, bumping and clapping, bumping and
clapping towards him.

The man screams!  He tears open the medicine cabinet, and reaches in it for
something, anything to throw at the coffin ... but all he can find is a box
of cough drops!  Desperate, he throws coughdrops at the coffin ... and, of
course, the coffin stops!
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     Now for a contribution from the List Out West - something from one
     of the girls, actually:
                              ----------------

This goes out to any woman who's had to reject any losers.  Now we have a form
letter to send out.

Dear _______________

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention
as Mr. Right.  As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly
tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to
make the final cut.  I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening
come available.  So that you may find better success in your future romantic
endeavours, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were
disqualified from the competition:

(Tick those that apply)

1.   ___  Your last name is objectionable.  I can't imagine taking it,
          hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

2.    ___ Your first name is objectionable.  It's just not something I
          can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

3.    ___ The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY
          wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

4.    ___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload"
          carries an inference that you may be interested in me for something
          other than my personality.

5.    ___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions
          about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

6.    ___ Your constant emailing indicates that you have too much time on your
          hands!

7.    ___ Your legs are skinnier than mine.  If you can FIT into my pants,
          then you can't GET into my pants.

8.    ___ You're too short.  Any son that we produced would inevitably be
          beaten up repeatedly at recess.

9.    ___ You're too tall.  I'm developing a chronic neck condition from
          trying to kiss you.

10.   ___ You have a hairy back.

11.   ___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

12.   ___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an
          inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

13.   ___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

14.   ___ You still live with your parents.

15.   ___ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of
          StarTrek uniforms a little disconcerting.

16.   ___ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to
          suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

17.   ___ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking
          in a long term partner.

18.   ___ Your height is out of proportion to your weight.  If you should,
          however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please
          resubmit your application.

19.   ___ Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag
          were really necessary for a successful business trip.

20.   ___ I am out of your league.  Set your sights lower next time.

                Sincerely,

                           _________________


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     Now for a quick whizz over to ANL in Illinois for three short "Odd
     Spots" as recently passed on by Nestor Zaluzec:
                              ----------------

The Chico (California) City Council has enacted a ban on nuclear weapons,
setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
                               *  *  *  *  *

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time
police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had
begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
                               *  *  *  *  *

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the
copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
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     Back to CSIRO now, and one from Tim - some more silly labels
     (incl the odd re-run, except that someone's added the occasional
     annotation to these :-):
                              ----------------

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products;

On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink -
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO  AVOID  CONDENSATION  FORMING,  ALLOW  THE  BOXES  TO  WARM  UP  TO ROOM
TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible enough, maybe?  The instruction was INSIDE the box.)

On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids -
LIE  DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A
SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT.  WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5
MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -
OPEN OTHER END.

On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) -
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(Too late!  You lose!)

On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Dammit!  Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)

On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
(Really?  And that's bad?  Why?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I'm glad they cleared that up.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

On a child's superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES  NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

On some frozen dinners:
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
FITS ONE HEAD.
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      And one more from the old west ...
                              ----------------

                            THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language.  There is no egg in eggplant
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.  English muffins
weren't invented in England or French fries in France.  Sweetmeats are
candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted.  But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.  And why is it that writers write but
fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?  If the plural
of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?  One goose, 2 geese.
So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?  Doesn't it seem crazy that you
can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history
but not a single annal?  If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of
all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?  If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?  If you wrote a letter, perhaps you
bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane.  In what language do people recite at a play and play
at a recital?  Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?  Have noses that run and
feet that smell?  Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise
guy are opposites?  How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a
lot and quite a few are alike?  How can the weather be hot as hell one day and
cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?
Have you ever seen a horsefull carriage or a strapfull gown?  Met a sung hero
or experienced requited love?  Have you ever run into someone who was
combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable?  And where are all those people who
ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can
burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and
in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity
of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).  That is why, when
the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are
invisible.  And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up
this essay, I end it.
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     Now for another contribution from Lee McRae over at the MEU at Melb Uni,
     who writes: "Hope all is well. Just got these from my sister in sunny
     Newcastle and thought Fifi would enjoy them ... keep up the good work
     and regards to all."   Hmmm ... well, it must be sexist by the sound of
     it, so stand well back (and blame Lee and McCallum for this :-):
                              ----------------

1.  How many men does it take to open a coke?
    None, it should be opened by the time she brings it to you.

2.  Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
    Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be
    able to support you.

3.  Why do women have smaller feet than men?
    So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

4.  How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
    When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."

5.  How do you fix a woman's watch?
    You don't.  There is a clock on the oven.

6.  Why do men pass gas more than women?
    Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

7.  If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
    front door, who do you let in first?
    The dog of course.  At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

8.  All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them
    apart.

9.  What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
    A woman that won't do what she's told.

10. I married Miss Right.  I just didn't know her first name was Always.

11. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.  I don't like to interrupt her.

12. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
    Divorced.

13. Bigamy is having one wife too many.  Some say monogamy is the same.

14. Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by
    90%.  It's called Wedding Cake.

15. Marriage is a 3 ring circus - Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

16. Our last fight was my fault; my wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
    I said, "Dust!".

17. In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.  Then God created Man
    and rested.  Then God created Woman.  Since then, neither God nor Man has
    rested.

18. My wife and I are inseparable.  In fact, last week it took four coppers
    and a dog.

19. Why do men die before their wives?
    They want to.
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      And to finish off for this week, a slightly pensive but nonetheless
      thought-provoking bit of philosophy, as passed on by one M. Horne, Esq:
                              ----------------

    The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings,
    but shorter tempers;
    Wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints;
    We spend more, but have less;
    We buy more, but enjoy it less.

    We have bigger houses and smaller families;
    more conveniences, but less time;
    We have more degrees, but less sense;
    More knowledge, but less judgement;
    More experts, but more problems;
    More medicine, but less wellness.

    We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
    We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

    We've learned how to make a living, but not a life;
    We've added years to life, not life to years.
    We've been all the way to the moon and back,
    but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbour.

    We've conquered outer space, but not inner space;
    We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul;
    We've split the atom, but not our prejudice.

    We have higher incomes, but lower morals;
    We've become long on quantity, but short on quality.

    These are the times of tall men, and short character;
    steep profits, and shallow relationships.
    These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare;
    More leisure, but less fun;
    More kinds of food, but less nutrition.

    These are days of two incomes, but more divorce;
    Of fancier houses, but broken homes.

    It is a time when there is much in the show window
    but little in the stockroom;
    A time when technology can bring this letter to you,
    and a time when you can choose either to make a difference...

           ...or just hit delete.
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[ End Fri humour ]




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