Friday humour - October 15, 1999

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Hi,
And some more humour to wind up another busy week (if you can find the time
to read it, that is :-)   First up, another contribution just floated in
from over near Chester (Brian D McNicol, esq), who (judging by his address)
actually connects to the 'net via British Telecom ... a brave man!
                         ---------------------------

Two vampires wanted to go out to eat, but were having a little trouble
deciding where to go.  They were a little tired of the local food in
Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic.  After some
discussion, they decided to go to Italy because they had heard that Italian
food was really good.  So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice.

On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for
dinner.  A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way.
As they neared, the vampires made their move.  Each vampire grabbed a person,
sucked them dry, and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below.

The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have 2nd's.

Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same
fate as the first ... sucked dry, and tossed into the canal below.

Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert.  In a short while
a third young couple provides just that.  As with the first two couples,
these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal.

The vampires decided that they had had a marvelous dinner but that it was
time to head back home.  As they started to walk away they began to hear some
singing.  They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge.  As they
listened, they realised that it was coming from the canal.  They looked over
the rail and saw a big alligator in the water under the bridge, feasting
on the bodies.

They listened as the alligator sang ... .. .

"Drained wops keep falling on my head...."
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               Now for our first piece from the List Out West:
                       ---------------------------

                           DICTIONARY OF DATING

ATTRACTION:
    The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT:
    What occurs when two extremely horny (but not entirely choosy) people meet.

DATING:
    The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to
    get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in
    the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL:
    Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills,
    inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY:
    A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT:
    A method utilised by a single woman to communicate to a man that she
    is interested in him.  Despite being advised to do so, many woman have
    difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to
    the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not
    located in her chest.

FRIEND:
    A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw
    which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE:
    A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as
    "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING:
    A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT:
    What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people
    to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY:
    How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate
    to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC:
    A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER:
    Condition under which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

                             ---===[|]===---

Don't you just hate it when you go to the doctor, and you're sitting on
the examination table telling him about your symptoms, and with each new
one you describe, he backs a little further away?

                             ---===[|]===---

Q:  What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
A:  You can't hear an enzyme.

Q:  What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A:  One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.
    The other is used to carry groceries.

Q:  What did the blonde answer when asked if she'd been picked up by the fuzz?
A:  "No, but I've been swung around by the tits."

Q.  Why don't blind people skydive?
A.  Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

Q.  What has four legs and an arm?
A.  A happy pit-bull

Q.  What is the difference between a peeping tom and a robber?
A.  A robber snatches watches.

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench.  Suddenly a man comes along,
flings open his trench coat and flashes them.  Two have a stroke ...
but the third doesn't because her arms aren't long enough.

Q.  How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A.  It's not hard
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     This is a repeat, but some probably haven't seen it, and it's short
     and apt (and apparently true) ... from Tony Hollenkamp in NBT:
                         ---------------------------

   Bill Gates on the automotive industry:

"If General Motors had gone through the same technological development as
Microsoft, we would now drive cars that would cost $25 and only needed to
go to the service station after 1000 kilometres."

   The reply attributed to General Motors' executive Jack Welch:

"If General Motors had developed technology like Microsoft ... every time
they re-painted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car."
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    And this is another short one - as passed on by Paul Jeffery:
                         ---------------------------

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:

  Dear Wife:

You must realise that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which
you are no longer able to satisfy.  I am otherwise happy with you as a wife,
and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the
time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year
old teaching assistant.  I'll be home before midnight.

     Your Husband .

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that
read as follows:

  Dear Husband:

You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will
be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy.  Since you are
a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than
54 goes into 18.  Therefore don't wait up.

     Your Wife.
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       Back to the ol' U.K. now, and another slab from Mad Mick Rand:
                         ---------------------------

An English man, a Scots man and an Irish man were trying to get in to see
the Olympics without tickets.  They arrived at the stadium during one of
the main events and discussed how they would be able to attend without paying.

The English man walked around the stadium and saw a pole lying on the ground
and picked it up.  He walked to the entrance and said, "Peter.  England.  Pole
throwing."  The guards let him in without hesitation.

While walking, the Scots man sees a manhole.  He picks up the cover, carries
it under his arm to the entrance and says, "McGregor.  Scotland.  Discus
throwing.  The guards let him in also.

The Irish man is very frantic, since both his friends are now inside.
He walks around the stadium and finds a roll of barbed wire.  He picks it
up, walks to the entrance and says, "Murphy.  Ireland.  Fencing."
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      Back to the Westerly list now, and another collection of one-liners:
                         ---------------------------

               MORE INSULTS TO LIVEN UP THAT NEXT WORK BARBEQUE

Are these your eyeballs?  I found them in my cleavage.

I like cats too.  Let's exchange recipes.

Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?

I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out I just wanted pay cheques.

It ain't the size, it's ... it's ... no, it IS the size.

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

Gene Police!!!  Quick - get out of the pool!!

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.

Errors have been made.  Others will be blamed.

I'm not crazy.  I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Whisper my favourite words:  "I'll buy it for you".

Whatever kind of look you were going for, it missed.

Suburbia:  where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

Ambivalent.  Well, yes and no.

I'm just trying to imagine you with a personality.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise that you haven't fallen
asleep yet.

Here I am!  Now what are your other two wishes?

Back off!!  You're standing in my aura.

One of us is thinking of sex... okay, it's me.

How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

I have a computer, a vibrator and pizza delivery.  Why should I leave the
house?

Can I trade this job for what's behind door no. 2?

Okay, okay, I take it back  Unfuck you!

Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume.  Must you marinate in it?

Not all men are annoying.  Some are dead.

Too many freaks.  Not enough circuses.

Mummy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you.

A woman's favourite position is CEO.

You look like shit.  Is that the style now?

Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
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       Now to Illinois once again, and another contribution from Nestor:
                         ---------------------------

After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognisant user
called the system maker's technical support line for assistance ...

Tech: Hello.  How can I help you today?
Cust: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer.

Tech: Looks like you need a new power supply.
Cust: No, I don't!  I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply.  You need to replace it.

Cust: No way!  Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup
      files to fix the problem!  All I need is for you to tell me the right
      command.

For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain
the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was
right.  So, in frustration, the technician responded:

Tech: I'm sorry.  We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an
      undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

Cust: I knew it!

Tech: Just add the line "LOAD NOSMOKE.COM" at the end of the CONFIG.SYS
      file and everything should work fine.  Let me know how it goes.

About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the
customer ...

Cust: It didn't work.  The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

Cust: MS-DOS 6.22 ...
Tech: Well, that's your problem.  That version of DOS doesn't include
      NOSMOKE.  You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch.
      Let me know how it all works out.

When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...

Cust: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?

Cust: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and
      he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply.
Tech: What did he tell you?

Cust: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NO SMOKE...
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      Okay.  Now, everything you've read so far arrived in the past couple
      of weeks.   The last couple have been more or less randomly selected
      from the January collection.  First up: one from Martha Ruth Hills:
                         ---------------------------

                           MORE PONDERINGS ON LIFE

        Needing a man is like needing a parachute.  If he isn't there
        the first time you need him, chances are you won't need him again.

        Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I
        thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?!"

        Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

        Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.

        Stupidity got us into this mess.  Why can't it get us out?

        I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

        Indecision is the key to flexibility.

        If it ain't broke, fix it 'til it is.

        I don't get even, I get odder.

        In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

        I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.

        I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

        My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

        I'm not afraid of heights - I'm afraid of widths.

        I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

        If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have inlaws.

        Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.
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      And finally for the week - a little story from David McCallum:
                         ---------------------------

Two Biddleonians drove to a gas station in a remote district for a fill-up
because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons
who purchase a full tank of gas.  When they went inside to pay, the men
asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.

"How do we enter ?" asked one Biddleonian.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right you win
free sex."

"Okay.  I guess 7," said the Biddleonian.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant.

The next week, the two returned to the same station to get gas.  When they
went inside to pay, one Biddleonian asked the attendant if the contest was
still going on.

"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10,
if you guess right, you win free sex."

"2," said the Biddleonian.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant.

"Come back soon and try again."

As they walked back to the car, one Biddleonian said to the other, "You know,
I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said the other Biddleonian. "My wife won twice last week."
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[ End Friday Humour ]




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