Friday humour - October 08, 1999

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

      Yo,
   First up this week, a short one from Jean (originally from Elizabeth
   over at DAR):
                         ------------------------

                  Do you know the works of JRR Tolkein?

   From a "Dilbert" list of "Stupidest reasons to add Management Layers"

                     One manager to rule them all,
                       One manager to find them,
                    One manager to bring them all,
                    And in the darkness bind them,
              In the land of Microsoft where the money lies.

                                           - Frodo-Gates-Bert
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    Now over to the Novel Battery Technology group (otherwise known in CSIRO
    as the Bushell's factory) and another contribution from Russell Newnham:
                         ------------------------

                           Cultural Differences

There is a beautiful desert island in the middle of nowhere where the
following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

After one month, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having
loads of sex.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with
the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English
woman.

The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the
Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the
American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true
nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the
necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how her last
boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her
relationship with her mother is improving.  But at least the taxes are low
and it is not raining.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian
woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them "bloody
wankers".

One New Zealand man is having sex with the New Zealand woman, the other
Kiwi is searching the island for sheep.

The Irish divided the island into North and South and immediately set up
a distillery.  They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it
gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky, but they
are satisfied that at least the English are not getting any.
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     Okay.  Now for one forwarded on by NAO over in XRD (that's Nicki in
     X-Ray Diffraction for you non-CSIRO bods):
                         ------------------------

                    THE LEAST SUCCESSFUL OIL DRILLERS

  From the book "The incomplete book of Failures vol #2".

Erecting the very latest equipment, Texaco workmen set about drilling for oil
at Lake Peigneur in Louisiana during November 1980.

After only a few hours of drilling they sat back expecting oil to shoot up.
Instead, however, they watched a whirlpool form, sucking down not only the
entire 1,300-acre lake, but also 5 houses, 9 barges, 8 tug boats, 2 oil rigs,
a mobile home, most of a botanical garden and ten percent of nearby Jefferson
island, leaving a half-mile crater.

No-one had told them that there was an abandoned salt mine underneath.

                          ---===[|]===---

The choir director selected the 5 year-old little boy with the sweetest face
for the opening scene of the play.

"Now, all you have to do is, when I direct the choir to sing '... and the
angel lit the candle', you come on stage and light all the candles."

"I can do it - I can do it!" the little boy said, excited to be the one
picked.  Rehearsals came and went, and finally the big night arrived.  The
choir was in grand voice, the stage was beautifully decorated with dozens of
unlit candles all around, awaiting the moment when the cute littlest angel
made his entrance.

The director gave the downbeat, the orchestra began to play, and the choir
swept into the introductory lines, ending with an expectant "...  and the
angel lit the candle" and every one looked stage right for the entrance.  No
little boy.

The director gave the downbeat again, and gestured for a louder line, which
the choir gave him - "and the angel lit the candle," and again, all eyes
looked stage right.

No little boy.

The director, beginning to sweat, motioned with great sweeping gestures, and
the choir thundered into the line - the curtains belled slightly from the
sound "... AND THE ANGEL LIT THE CANDLE!"

And into the silence which followed came a clear boy-soprano voice floating
piercingly from stage right,

     "... and the cat peed on the matches!"
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      Time to drop in to London once more - Steve Kerassitis just passed
      this one on:
                         ------------------------

Dorothy is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away.  She goes
to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed & the instant she sees him she
starts wailing & crying.  One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her.
Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing
a black suit & that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The attendant apologises & explains that they always put the bodies in a
black suit as a matter of course, but he'd see what he could do.

The next day Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with
Albert before his funeral the following day.

When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through
her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit.  She asks the attendant
"how did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?"

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size
was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit.  His wife explained that she was
very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit" the
attendant replied.

He continued "After that it was a simple matter of swapping the heads around".
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     With all the fuss about potential year-2000 computer problems across
     most of the world, this one which was recently forwarded on by Bob
     Flann makes for interesting reading.  As Bob put it: "Folks, should
     we be adjusting our Y2K strategy to be in line with Indonesia's?"
                         ------------------------

PLN, Indonesia's national electricity board, was recently asked by an
Indonesian newspaper about its Y2K Preparedness.

The reply is a gem:

"We can observe what happens (at midnight 1999) in Western Samoa, New Zealand
and Australia and still have 6 hours to make plans."
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    Time for another one from John Stevens (one sometimes get the feeling
    that John and Fifi are trying to out-lewd each other, so read at your
    own risk :-)
                         ------------------------

A guy has a dream about this sexy lady and in this dream she finds him
attractive and they get on very well.

The next day he is riding the bus and a nun gets on.  She is the spitting
image of the lady in his dream so he begins to talk to her.  Everything
that happened in the dream was happening in real life, he couldn't
believe it.  She laughed at his jokes and they talked for a long time.  He
remembered his dream and that she ended up having sex with him.

So he asked her "Can I fuck you up the arse?", She is totally repulsed
and gets up to get off the bus.  He follows her to the front of the bus
asking her the same thinking it would come true because of the dream but
instead she ignored him and got of the bus.

The bus driver said to the man, you know you're approaching this the
wrong way.  She walks through this park everyday at 7.00pm and catches
the bus home ...  Get dressed as Jesus and meet her in the park and she
will do whatever you like.

The man does this dresses as Jesus and waits in the park.  Along comes the
nun at 7.00, and he jumps out in front of her, "I am Jesus, come to fuck
you up the arse!".  She lets him.

After the guy is finished he feels bad and says to the nun "I'm not
Jesus, I'm the guy from the bus"

The nun replies, "That's okay - I'm really the bus driver."
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      Over to Waterford again now (otherwise known as "the list out West")
      for three contributions - this first one recent, the others not so ...
                         ------------------------

Fancy telling people that you live in one these places?  Get out to these
locations and get your photo taken by the town sign.

         Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)
         Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)
         Muff (Northern Ireland)
         Bastard (Norway)
         Twatt (Shetland, UK)
         Twatt (Orkney, UK)
         Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)
         Wankie (Zimbabwe)
         Climax (Colorado, USA)
         Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
         Shafter (California, USA)
         Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic)
         Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)
         Donk (Belgium)
         Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
         Brown Willy (every schoolboy's favourite, Cornwall, UK)
         Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)
         Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)
         Stains (Near Paris, France)
         Seymen (Turkey)
         Turdo (Romania)
         Fukum (Yemen)
         Fukue (Honshu, Japan)
         Fukui (Honshu, Japan)
         Fuku (Shensi, China)
         Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)
         Wanks River (Nicaragua)
         Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)
         Wankener (India)
         Shag Island (Indian Ocean)
         Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)
         Hold With Hope (Greenland)
         Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)
         Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)
         Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)
         Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)
         Tittybong (Australia)
         Dikshit (India)
         Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)
         Chinaman's Knob (Australia)
         Come by Chance (NSW)
         Fannie Bay (NT)
         Iron Knob (SA)
         Molesworth (Tas, Vic)

                          ---===[|]===---


There was quiz TV programme in the US where a professor would endeavour to
put any word named into a sentence within 30 seconds.

A man from the audience called out 'Garn'.  The professor thought about it,
started to sweat and then the buzzer sounded.  The host was astounded - in
more than 200 episodes the professor had never been stumped.  The host turned
to the man and said "Garn - can you put it in a sentence?  The man called out
"Garn get rooted!"

The show went off air immediately - and 6 months later, after all measures
were taken to tighten security and vet contestants, the show was back on TV.

Again the professor was able to put all sorts of words in sentences.  The
host then asked a priest in the audience for the next word.  The priest stood
up and through his long beard called out "smee".

The professor pondered for what seemed like an eternity - again the buzzer
sounded.  "Unbelievable" said the host He turned to the priest and asked him
to put the word in a sentence.

The priest stood up, ripped off his beard and said "Smee again, garn get
rooted!!"

                          ---===[|]===---


Steve and Fiona were making passionate love in Steve's Sandman Panel Van when
suddenly Fiona, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh fat boy, whip
me, whip me!"

Steve, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have
any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps
the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse
in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping
session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.

The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks "Did you get these marks
having sex?"

Fiona, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Steve (let alone that she
allowed the kinky bastard to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all
my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that
I've ever seen."
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     Okay - time for another Fifi contribution (and this is back in
     David's more traditional style, Lee :-)
                         ------------------------

A guy decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them to
bring their friends.  On the invitation he puts "themed party -come as a
human emotion."

On the night of the party the first guest arrives and he opens the door to
see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his
chest.  He says to this guy "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come
as?" and the guy says, "I'm green with envy."  The host replies, "Brilliant,
come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see
a woman covered in a pink bodystocking with a feather boa wrapped round her
most intimate parts.  He says to this woman, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion
have you come as?"  And she replies, "I'm tickled pink."  The host says, "I
love it, come on in and join the party."

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time and the host
opens the door to see two guys, stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a
bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear.

The host is really shocked and says "Christ, guys, that the hell do you think
you look like?  You could get arrested for standing like that out here in the
street.  "What emotion is this supposed to be?"

The first guy replies,
  "Well, I'm fucking disgusted and my friend has come in despair."
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     Now for a couple more from Brian McNicol - these two arrived a while
     back (around June):
                         ------------------------

                           THE TEXAN COWBOY WAY

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day.  The townsman
watched as he slowly dismounted and tied his horse to the rail outside the
saloon.  The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted its
tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine.

As he then walked by, the townsman had to comment. "I couldn't help but
notice you as you got off your horse.  That's quite an unusual ritual."

"Yep," replied the cowboy. "I got me some bad chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" asked the townsman.

"Nope, but it sure keeps me from lickin' 'em."

                          ---===[|]===---

To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his
apartment building in order to tan himself.  Not wanting any tan lines to
show, he sunbathed in the nude.  Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep
while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade".
The young man was determined not to miss his date because it was with a hot
blonde, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated
her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to
watch a movie.

During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again.
He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cool glass
of milk.  He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced
immediate relief of his pain.

The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen
to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass of milk.

Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "Ooooh - so that's how you guys load
those things."
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       Well, I was about to finish there, but let's squeeze in one more -
      again from our "other half" out West.  Some one-liners:
                          ------------------------

                THE TOP BAD ROMANCE NOVEL METAPHORS OR SIMILES

His body was hard, not hard like Milosevic, the Serbian strongman, but hard
like the marble on your shower floor, when you fall and bang your knee.

Her shoulders heaved like the tiny sobs of Snuggles the cat being run through
with a roasting spit.

Her embrace made his manhood swell like week-old roadkill on hot asphalt in
the Georgia sun.

Her petticoats dropped to the ground, rustling like a cockroach in a sugar
bowl.

  ... then he kissed her, like a butterfly kisses the windshield of a Porsche
on the Autobahn.

Her sun-glazed back formed a golden arch as he moved his face toward her
happy meal.

His finger, weathered and rough from years on the ranch, danced in and out of
his nose like a slimy ballerina.
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[ End Fri humour ]

    A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant:-
  Get a huge block of marble; then chip away everything that doesn't
  look like an elephant.




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