Friday humour - October 01, 1999

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

      Yo,
  And thanks to Davo for filling in again last week while I was mucking
  around up in the Grampians for a couple of days (part of the southern
  end of our "Great Dividing Range" here in Oz).  I can recommend it at
  the moment too (plenty of nice wildflowers around).

  It's another "bumper" collection this week (not that it was intended to
  be), but don't be all that amazed if you don't have time to get through
  all of it.  First up, it's another contribution from Dave Rand's Energy
  colleague, Brian McNicol (do read this one, at least):
                            -----------------

It was Saturday morning, and Bob was about to set off on a round of golf
when he realised that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the
washing machine is coming around at noon.  Bob headed back to the clubhouse
and rings home.

"Hello?" said a little girl's voice.

Hi, honey - it's Daddy," said Bob.  "Is Mummy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy.  She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob said, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy!" she insisted.

"Well, okay then.  Now here's what I want you to do.  Put down the telephone,
run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and Uncle
Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house.

"Okay, Daddy!" she said.  A few minutes later, the little girl came back to
the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?" he asked.

"Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming,
then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's
dead."

"Oh my god!  And what ... what about Uncle Frank?" he asked.

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he seemed to be all scared,
and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have
forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the
bottom and now he's dead too."

There was a long pause, then Bob said, "Swimming pool??  Is this 854-7039?"
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     Now for a quickie from Maria Harding - a little bit of Irish ...
                         ---------------------

                               IRISH WISDOM

An aging man lived alone in Ireland.  His only son was in Long Kesh Prison,
and the old man didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.

He wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For H'AVENS SAKE,
Dad - just down't dig up that garden.  Thut's where I buried the GUNS!!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the
entire garden - but they didn't find any guns.

Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened, and asking him
what to do next.

His son's reply - "Dad ... plant your potatoes."
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      Now, this next one's been around before, but it seems to have been
      embellished slightly since I saw it last, so here's a re-run.  This
      version came off our Westerly list recently:
                         ---------------------

                       US STANDARD RAILROAD GAUGE

The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5
inches.  That's an exceedingly odd number.  Why was that gauge used?  Because
that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built
by English expatriates.

So why did the English people build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the
pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

So why did "they" use that gauge then?  Because the people who built the
tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons,
which used that wheel spacing.

Okay!  So why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing?  Well, if they
tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old,
long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.

So who built these old rutted roads?

The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the
benefit of their legions.  The roads have been used ever since.  And the ruts?
The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying
their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots.  Since the chariots were
made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original questions.  The United States
standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original
specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot.  Specs and Bureaucracies
live forever.  So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder
what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right.  Because the
Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate
the back-ends of two war horses.

But what about something even more modern?  Like a Space Shuttle?

Well, when we see a Space Shuttle sitting on the launch pad, there are two big
booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank.  These are the
solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.  The SRBs are made by Thiokol at a factory
in Utah.

Now, the engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them
a bit fatter, but they had to be shipped by train from the factory to the
launch site.  The railroad line to the factory runs through a tunnel in
the mountains.  The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.  The tunnel is
slightly wider than a railroad track, and the railroad track is about as
wide as two horses' behinds.

So a major design factor of what is arguably the world's most advanced
transportation system was determined by the width of a horse's backside.
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     Next, a short one from Steve Kerassitis (son of you-know-who),
     still enjoying his sojourn over in London:
                         ---------------------

A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress costume party with nothing but a
naked girl on his back.

"So what are you supposed to be?" the host asked indignantly.

"I'm a snail," the bloke replied.

The exasperated host asked, "How can you be a snail when all you've got is
that naked girl on your back?"

The bloke replied "That's Michelle."
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Now it's over to CUB (our local brewer here in Melbourne) and another
      contribution from Matt Greene:
                         ---------------------

Jerry is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he's excited.
He's especially thrilled because he got to take two long solos.  After the
sessions, which went great, Jerry can't wait to see the finished product.
He asked the producer where and when he could catch the film.

A little embarrassed, the producer explained that the music was for a porno
flick that will be out in a month, and told Jerry where he could go to see it.

A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, went to the
theatre where the picture is playing.  He walked in and sat way in the back,
next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding.

The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever...
group sex, S&M, golden showers ... and then, halfway through, a dog got in
on the action.  Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog has had sex with
all the women, in every orifice; and most of the men.

Embarrassed, Jerry turned to the old couple and whispered, "I'm only here
for the music."

The woman turned to Jerry and whispered back, "That's okay, we're only
here to see our dog."
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       Can't resist sneaking in one more contribution from that ol' list
       out West - it's just so sexist (or is anti-sexist?):
                         ---------------------

                  Training Courses Now Available for Men:

1.  Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop

2.  Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge

3.  Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding

4.  Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead

5.  Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the
    Difference!

6.  If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I

7.  If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator
    won't Bring It Back:  Accepting Loss II

8.  Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!

9.  Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In

10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the
    electronics came In

11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink

12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!

13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to
    Run Out of Toilet Paper!

14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the
    Goodwill

15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts

16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations of Your
    Kitchenware

17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!

18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten"
    Means

19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut

20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall under
    the "Action/Adventure" Category

21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote

22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh

23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet

24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed

25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!

26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty

27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them

28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Half-time

29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't
    Mean You Can Fix It
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


     And now for another contribution from (ex-our) Kate D (Kodak) Hawkins:
                         ---------------------


                        THE GIRL'S PRAYER
                        =================

                             Our Cash
                        Which art on plastic
                        Hallowed be thy name
                        Thy Cartier watch
                          Thy Prada bag
                             In Myer
                       As it is in David Jones
                   Give us each day our Platinum Visa
                      And forgive us our overdraft
              As we forgive those who stop our Mastercard
                        And lead us not into Katies
                        And deliver us from Sussans
         For thine is the Dinnigan, the Akira and the Armani
                     For Chanel  No.5 and Eternity
                               Amex.

                        THE BOYS PRAYER
                        =================
                           Our beer
                     Which art in bottles
                     Hallowed by thy sport
                       Thy will be drunk
                        I will be drunk
                  At home as it is in the pub
               Give us each day our daily schooners
                   And forgive us our spillage
            As we forgive those who spillest against us
       And lead us not into the practice of poofy wine tasting
                   And deliver us from Tequila
                     For mine is the bitter
                    The chicks and the footy
                        Forever and ever
                            Barmen.
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


      This next one from Marshall Lanyon isn't a joke - it's in fact
      rather interesting.  Go have a look and judge for yourself ...
                         ---------------------

                    THE HUNGER SITE AT THE U.N.

All you do is click a button and somewhere in the world a hungry person
gets a meal to eat at no cost to you.  The food is paid for by corporate
sponsors.

All you do is go to the site and click.  But you're only allowed one click
per day, so spread the word to others.

Visit the site and pass the word.  Click here
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


      This next one is another from Brian McNicol (he's passed on quite
      a few recently, and most of this weeks lot are recent arrivals):
                         ---------------------

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday.  He spends $5,000
and feels really good about the result.  On his way home, he stops at a
newsstand and buys a paper.  Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk,
"I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonald's for lunch, and asks the order taker
the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh, you look about 29."

"I am actually 47!"  This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going.  But when I was
young, there was a SURE way of telling a man's age.  If I put my hand down
your pants and "investigate" for one minute, I'll be able to tell your
EXACT age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell, so he let her
slip her hand down his pants.  One minute later, the old lady says, "Okay,
done.  You're 47 years old."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant!  How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "Easy.  I was behind you in line at McDonald's ..."
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Now for another Fifi (ala David McCallum) contribution:
                         ---------------------

1.  "Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be
     recycled.  Proceeds will be used to cripple children."

2.  "Ushers will eat late-comers."

3.  "The Ladies' Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10.  All ladies
     are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done."

4.  "The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
     lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday
     morning."

5.  "The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession."

6.  "Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 PM.
     Please use the back door."

7.  "Pastor is on vacation.  Massages can be given to church secretary."

8.  "The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical
     accomplishment."

9.  "The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience."

10. "The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir
     will sing, 'Break Forth Into Joy.'"

11. "Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service.  The
     pastor will then speak on 'It's a Terrible Experience'."

12. "Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be
     discontinued until further notice."

13. "Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM.  Please use large double door at the
     side entrance."

14. "Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."

15. "The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
     church basement on Friday at 7 PM.  The congregation is invited to
     attend this tragedy."

16. "A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday."

17. "Today's Sermon: 'How Much Can a Man Drink?',
     with hymns from a full choir."

18.  On a church bulletin during the minister's illness:
     "God is good - Dr. Hargreaves is better."

19. "Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow."

20. "The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on
     people who are not afflicted with any church."

21. "Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
     several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."

22. "The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to
     join the choir."
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Jean recently passed on some more cats and dogs ...
                         ---------------------

                  THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOGS AND CATS

A dog thinks: Hey, those people I live with feed me, love me, provide me
with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... they must
be gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with
a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... I must be a God.

                             WHAT IS A CAT?

  *  Cats do what they want.

  *  They rarely listen to you.

  *  They're totally unpredictable.

  *  They whine when they are not happy.

  *  When you want to play, they want to be alone.

  *  When you want to be alone, they want to play.

  *  They expect you to cater to their every whim.

  *  They're moody.

  *  They leave hair everywhere.

  *  They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

     Conclusion:  They're tiny little women in fur coats.

                            WHAT IS A DOG?

  *  Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of
     furniture in the house.

  *  They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't
     hear you when you're in the same room.

  *  They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

  *  They growl when they are not happy.

  *  When you want to play, they want to play.

  *  When you want to be alone, they want to play.

  *  They are great at begging.

  *  They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.

  *  They leave their toys everywhere.

  *  They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a
     kiss.

     Conclusion:  They're tiny little men in fur coats.
   --------------------------------------------------------------------------


    And finally for this week, a little tale which was passed on by Lars
    Jensen (it's a trifle rude, so if you don't like that, just skip it :-)
                         ---------------------

                          LITTLE JOHNNY AND SUSIE

Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they
are in love.  One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny
goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand.  Johnny bravely walks up to
him and says:  "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love, and I'm asking for her
hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Johnny,
you're only 10.  Where will the two of you live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies. "In Susie's
room.  It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live?  You're not old enough to get a job.  You'll
need to support Susie."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance ... Susie makes 5 bucks a
week and I make 10 bucks a week.  That's about 60 bucks a month, and that
should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much
thought into this.  So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with
something that Johnny won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got
everything all figured out.  I just have one more question for you.  What
will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "That's okay, I'll just keep
shagging her up the arse for now ..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Fri humour ]

  "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity.  And I'm not
   even sure about the universe."
                                 --Albert Einstein




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