Friday humour - September 24, 1999

     From Davo at Bluehaze:


In Tony's absence here's a short series of recent funnies from Perth's
D-Generation.

Firstly though I thought I would log into Jeff.com and find plenty of
mirth.  But would you believe this site has been Jeffed??!!  It now paths
directly to the Liberals home page - which did however render a smile to
my dial reading:

What do Liberals believe ?
 "We believe in equal opportunity for all Australians; and the
 encouragement and facilitation of wealth so that all may enjoy
 the highest possible standards of living, health, education and
 social justice."

    (funny peculiar - Jeff would do well to read their home page ...)



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A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a good looking woman and
starts looking at his watch.  The woman notices this and asks him if his
date is late.

"No", he replies, "I've just got this new state-of-the-art watch and I was
just about to test it."

"What does it do?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me."

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing a bra or panties."

"Ha!  Well it must be broken then, because I am!"

"Damn thing must be an hour fast."



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My Resignation as an Adult



To Whom It May Concern:

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have
decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of a six-year-old
again.  I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four-star
restaurant.  I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make
ripples with rocks.  I want to think that M & Ms are better than money,
because you can eat them.  I want to play kickball during recess and paint
with water-colours in art.  I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a
lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer day.  I want to return to a
time when life was simple.  When all you knew were colours, addition
tables and simple nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you
didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.  When all you knew
was to be happy because you didn't know all the things that should make
you worried and upset.  I want to think that the world is fair.  I want to
believe that anything is possible.

Somewhere in my youth...  I matured and I learned too much.  I learned of
nuclear weapons, war, prejudice, starvation and abused children.  I
learned of lies, unhappy marriages, suffering, illness, pain and death.  I
learned of a world where men left their families to go and fight for our
country, and if they were lucky enough to return, often found themselves
living on the streets...begging for their next meal.  I learned of a world
where children knew how to kill...and did!!  What happened to the time
when we thought that everyone would live forever, because we didn't grasp
the concept of death?  When we thought the worst thing in the world was if
someone took the jump rope from you or picked you last for kickball?  I
want to be overly excited by little things once again.  I want to return
to the days when reading was fun and music was clean.  When television was
used to report the news or for family entertainment and not to promote
sex, violence and deceit.  I remember being naive and thinking that
everyone was happy because I was.  I would walk on the beach and only
think of the sand between my toes and the prettiest seashell I could
find. would spend my afternoons climbing trees and riding my bike.  I
didn't worry about time, bills or where I was going to find the money to
fix my car.  I used to wonder what I was going to do or be when I grew up,
not worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out.  I don't want my
day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing
news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the
bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness and loss of loved ones. I want to
believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace,
dreams, the imagination, mankind and making angels in the snow.


Author Unknown


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T-shirts for Women who take no crap!

1.      I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

2.      Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

3.      Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.

4.      Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.

5.      Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

6.      I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

7.      Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

8.      You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

9.      Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

10.     Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?

11.     I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

12.     Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

13.     I hate everybody, and you're next.

14.     Please don't make me kill you.

15.     And your point is...

16.     I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

17.     All stressed out and no one to choke.

18.     I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

19.     How can I miss you if you won't go away?

20.     Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.



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A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a
problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one
thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes.  Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's obscene!"  the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.  I have two
male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring
your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with
Francis and Joe.  My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their
cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and
placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:

"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and
exclaimed,

"Put the fucking beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"




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[ End Fri humour ]


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