Friday humour - September 03, 1999

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

         Yo,
   Quite a few fresh contributions floated in this week, so I'll start off
   with a few of those.  This first one was passed on by a friend of Fifi's
   (Pete Brennan):
                            --------------------

                               NEW WARNING LABELS

>From Volume 36, Number 1 of The Journal of Irreproducible Results
Copyright 1991 Blackwell Scientific Publications Inc.

As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards
legislation which requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that
present hazards to the general public.  Yet we must also offer the cautionary
thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the
surface of what is really necessary in this important area.  This is
especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.

We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together
in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement
of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered
for sale in this country.  Our suggested list of warnings appears below.

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe,
Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to
the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between
Them.

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85
Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged
Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per
Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle,"  It Is Impossible
for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This
Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. (Note: This one is optional on the
grounds that Heisenburg was never quite sure that his principle was correct)

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a
Process Know as "Tunnelling,"  This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from
Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe,
Including Your Neighbour's Domicile.  The Manufacturer Will Not Be
Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of
the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May
Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise
Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner
Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe.  Although
No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will
Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a
"Gluing"  Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive
Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the
Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of
99.9999999999% Empty Space.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be
Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional.  However, the
Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those
Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are
"Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area"  That They Cannot Be Detected.

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is
Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only
in a Vague and Undetermined State.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons,
etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable
Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to
the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its
Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This
Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space.
Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product
in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Now for another contribution from Nicki XRD A-O (the BFXRD):
                            --------------------

My uncle was in the fertilised egg business when I was young.  He had several
hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to
fertilise the eggs.

My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went
into the pot and was replaced.  Now this took an awful lot of time.  So when
my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he
promptly bought them.  He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft
so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken.  He hung a bell on
each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep.  Now he could sit on the
porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by
listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter.

My uncle's favourite rooster was old Brewster.  A very fine specimen he was,
and his bell did not ring all morning.  Uncle went to investigate.  Several
roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing.  Brewster had his bell in his
beak so it couldn't ring.  He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on
to the next one.

Uncle was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair.  Brewster
was an overnight sensation.  They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but
also the Pullet Surprise.
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Next, a couple of medium-sized contributions from John Stevens (who'll
     be winging his way to Hawaii by the time many of you read this):
                            --------------------

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept
confessing adultery.  One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one
more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word.  Someone who had
committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest
died at a ripe old age.  About a week after the new priest arrived, he
visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the paths in town.  When
people come to the confessional, they keep talking about having 'fallen.'"

The Mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had told the new priest
about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the
mayor and said, "Well, I don't know what you're laughing about!  Your wife
fell three times this week."

                            ---===[|]===---

A husband and wife were out for a drive through the countryside.  They
reached a familiar spot and the wife said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same
thing we did here forty years ago!"

The husband stopped the car.

His wife backed against the fence, and he immediately jumped her like a bass
on a Junebug.  They made love like never before.  She was screaming and
gyrating and shaking uncontrollably; and when it was over, much to her
husband's surprise, she passed out.

After he revived her and got her back into the car, the husband, quite
astounded said: "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago-or
ANYTIME SINCE that I can remember."

The woman, gasping for breath, finally able to speak, said:
"Sweetheart ... forty years ago that damn fence wasn't electrified."
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Here's a couple of *very* short ones from a female friend of
     Julian's - to "counteract all the female sexist jokes that have been
     appearing lately" ... (Huh?  What?  Here? :-)
                            --------------------

Q.  What do you call the useless bit of skin that hangs off a penis?
A.  A man.

Q.  Why do men think women have no brains?
A.  Because they don't have dicks to keep them in.
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


    And another collection from Maria Harding (as she put it ... "It doesn't
    happen often, but a couple jokes fit to tell your kids have come my way"):
                            --------------------

   When you think you're having a bad day, remember this one...

I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and
wrapped himself in toilet paper.  Although he made a mess, he looked
adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots.  They came out so well
that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards.

Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically and
suggesting I take a closer look.  Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was
shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection
in the mirror - wearing nothing but the camera!

                            ---===[|]===---

Woman to husband at breakfast table: "It sure is easier to get James up for
school since he got that nose ring ..."

                            ---===[|]===---

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbour to report that
her husband was missing.  The policeman asked for a description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an
athletic build, and weighs 185 pounds.  Also, he's softly spoken, and he's
good to the children."

The next-door neighbour protested, "Hang on - your husband is 5 foot 4,
chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and he's totally mean to your children."

The wife whispered, "Shhhh!!  Who wants HIM back?"
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


       To the Westerly list now - and a few more gravestone epitaths:
                            --------------------

On the grave of Ezekiel Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:

                               Here lies
                             Ezekiel Aikle
                               Age 102
                               The Good
                               Die Young.

In a London, England cemetery:

                              Ann Mann

                         Here lies Ann Mann,
                        Who lived an old maid
                         But died an old Mann.
                             Dec. 8, 1767

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

                              Anna Wallace

                   The children of Israel wanted bread
                      And the Lord sent them manna,
                     Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
                        And the Devil sent him Anna.

Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

                              Here lies
                             Johnny Yeast
                              Pardon me
                            For not rising.

Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:

                             I was somebody.
                          Who, is no business
                               Of yours.


Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:

                             In Memory of Beza Wood
                               Departed this life
                                 Nov. 2, 1837
                                 Aged 45 yrs.

                                  One Wood
                               Within another.
                               The outer wood
                                Is very good
                              We cannot praise
                                  The other.


The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip:

                                  Ellen Shannon

                              Who was fatally burned
                                  March 21, 1870
                            by the explosion of a lamp
                            filled with "R.E. Danforth's
                            Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"


In a cemetery in England:

                              Remember man, as you walk by,
                             As you are now, so once was I,
                              As I am now, so shall you be,
                              Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:

                             To follow you I'll not consent,
                             Until I know which way you went.
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Duncan has occasionally threatened to send in something from his
       collection - and a few weeks back, he finally did:
                            --------------------

A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started
bantering back and forth about male / female issues.  They talked about who
was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc.  The
flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up.  So
they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women.  Why do you think
we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to
ask other men in the bar for their opinions.  The woman listened quietly
until the man was finished making his point.  Confident in the strength of
his argument, the man awaited her response.

"That doesn't prove a thing," the woman countered.  "Think about it - when
your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around,
then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


     We've already had a couple of stories from John Stevens today,
     but as I scruffed back through the jokes bin and reached the start
     of August, I came across these two which I think you'll enjoy:
                            --------------------

Peter and Mitzi had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the
only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their young son in the
apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all
the neighbourhood activities.  To a young boy, they thought, spying would be
a lot of fun and would distract him for a half-hour or so.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said."An ambulance just
drove by."  A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he
called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Peter and Mitzi sat bolt upright up in bed. "How do you know that?" the
startled father asked.

"Well, their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

                            ---===[|]===---

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and
walked out with $72.

The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66.  He asked
the teller why he got less money than he had gotten during the previous week.

The lady shrugged and answered: "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out and, just before slamming the door, he turned
around and said,  "Well, fluc you Amelicans too!"
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


      This one was forwarded on back in July by Steve (LMS) Harding:
                            --------------------

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out ... a
caterer, band, and a hired clown.  Just before the party started, two bums
showed up looking for a handout.  Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told
them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her
out back.  Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a
wonderful time.  But the clown hadn't shown up.  After a half an hour, the
clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would
probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the
children herself.  She happened to look out the window and saw one of the
bums doing cartwheels across the lawn.  She watched in awe as he swung from
tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely
marvelous.  I have never seen such a thing.  Do you think your friend would
consider repeating this performance for the children at the party?  I would
pay him $50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno.  Let me ask him ...
Hey, Willie!  For $50, would you chop off another finger?"
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


      For this last contribution, (from David over at Telstra) you won't
      be able to make out the ASCII graphics unless you're using using a
      fixed-width font such as Courier or Terminal for reading your email.
                            --------------------

        _                                                 _
       (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
       (_.===============================================._)

                     When Visiting The South...
       _ __
      / \Y \         If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic.
   __/______\__      Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup with a 12-pack
  `~~// 6 6\~~`      of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly.
     C   7  |        Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way.
      \ '='/           This is what they live for.
       \__/
      /\  |\         Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and
   .-`\_\_//\        bait in the same store.
  /-.   `|o |\       _//
 |   |   |  | \   |\/ /      Remember: "Ya'll" is singular, "All
 |   |   |o |  \ /`\_/       ya'll" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is
 |   |   |  Y  /    /     plural possessive.
 |   |   |o |\    /
 |  | `--'  |  \/         Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around
  \   \__|o_|        here, are ya?"
   `\ /I=[]=|
    |`/   ) |        Don't be worried at not understanding what
     \ : |  |        people are saying: they can't understand you either ...
      |: |  |
      |: |  |
      |: )  )        "Mom'n'em" is not one person.  When someone
      |: || |        asks, "How's your Mom'n'em?" they're
      |: || |        referring to the whole family.  Be advised
      |: || |        that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
      |: || |
      |==|==|         If you hear a southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all -
      |&  \  \          watch this," stay out of the way.  These are
     *( ,  `'-.'-.       likely the last words he'll ever say.
      `"`"""""`""`

When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road,
remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere and the rest learned
to drive while road hunting in the back roads.  In both cases, this is the
proper speed and position for that vehicle.

Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns and are
proficient marksmen.  Or that their mammas taught them how to aim.

Shakespeare is a rod or a reel, not a writer.  Duct tape is not only part of
every survival kit, it is the whole kit.

Rasslin' is not fake.  Don't dare whisper otherwise unless you want a
kindhearted southerner to fix your busted head with duct tape.

Grapefruit is not a substitute for biscuits and gravy.

Richard Petty, Dale Earnhardt and Elvis are good ole boys.  Jeff Gordon
isn't.
                                                              .-.
Turkey hunters actually curse Noah for letting        .;;;;. ( ^_>
coyotes and armadillos on the Ark.                   <;<;  \;>\ !
                                                    <;<;   '-.>) \
If you hear a turkey gobble, get out of the          <;<; <'=.    |
way.  Some southerners view that sound like          <;<; '-     /
payoff bells at a slot machine.                        <;,\.\--'`
                                                         `==`==
Don't be surprised if an obituary mentions
that the deceased requested to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck
because, "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

"Ya'll come back now, ya here," is a temporary statement.  We love Yankees
to visit, but Damn Yankees are those who decided to stay.

    (\
     ))         )\\         If you decide to stay in the South
    ((         /  .(        and bear children, don't think we
     \\.-"```"'` =_/=       will accept them as southerners.
      >  ,       /          After all, if the cat had kittens
       \   )__.\ |          in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em
       > / /  ||\\          biscuits.
       \\ \\  \\ \\
        `" `" `"  `"
         _                                                 _
        (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
        (_.===============================================._)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]




 Previous (August 27, 1999)  Index Next (September 10, 1999)