Friday humour - August 27, 1999

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Hi,
First up this week, another one of my ex-colleagues from the wonderful world
of Lifts (Steve Harding) just forwarded on this little tale:
                         ------------------------

Ginny was sitting on a beach in Florida, and she was attempting to strike up
a conversation with a rather attractive gentleman reading on the blanket
alongside hers.  "Hi," she said, "Do you like movies?"

"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.

Ginny persisted.  "Do you like gardening?"

The man again looked up from his book.  "Yes, I do," he said politely before
returning to his reading.

Undaunted, Ginny asked.  "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Ginny, ravaging her as
she'd never been ravaged before.   Finally, as the cloud of sand began to
settle, Ginny dragged herself back to a sitting position and panted,
"But ... how ... how did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
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     Arr, what the heck - let's keep it in the family for a few more
     lines.  Maria (who just happens to be married to Steve) forwarded
     this little ditty during the week.  You'll love this:
                         ------------------------

                              The glow worm

                     I would like to be a glow worm
                       A glow worm's never glum
                     It's hard to be down hearted
                    When the sun shines out your bum.
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    Hmmmm?  Okay, back to Illinois once again.  This was forwarded on
    by Nestor Zaluzec back in May.

    BTW - did I tell you - when Nestor arrived back home at the end of March,
    they were under six feet of snow.  He jumped out of his car and slammed
    the door and it promptly slid down the driveway (on the black ice) and
    out into the street.  He wasn't impressed.  Anyway ... onto the story:
                         ------------------------

One day the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome.  Naturally,
there was a big uproar from the Jewish community.

So the Pope made a deal.  He would have a religious debate with a member of
the Jewish community.  If the Jew won, the Jews could stay.  If the Pope won,
the Jews would leave.

The Jews realised that they had no choice.  They looked around for a champion
who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer.

It was too risky.  So they finally picked an old man named Moishe to represent
them.  Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed.  He asked only
for one addition to the debate.  Not being used to saying very much, he asked
that neither side be allowed to talk.  The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came.  Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other
for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.

Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine.

Moishe pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, 'I give up - this man is too good.  They can stay.'

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what
happened.

The Pope recounted: 'Well, it went like this.  First I held up three fingers
to represent the Trinity.  He responded by holding up one finger to remind me
that there was still one God common to both our religions.  Then I waved my
finger around me to show him, that God was all around us.  He responded by
pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us.  I
pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins.
He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin.  He had an answer for
everything.  What could I do?'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this
old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted
was impossible! 'What happened?' they asked. 'Well,' said Moishe, 'first he
said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here.  I told him that
not one of us was leaving.  Then he told me that this whole city would be
cleared of Jews.  I let him know that we were staying right here.'

'And then?' asked a woman.

'I don't know,' said Moishe. 'He took out his lunch and I took out mine.'
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      Another one from back in May now - this one forwarded on by one of
      our bikie types (as in the pedal variety) - one Michael Horne:
                         ------------------------

An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village
when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.  Inside the small boat were
several large yellowfin tuna.  The American complimented the Mexican on the
quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied only a little while.

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time?

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my
children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each
evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and
busy life, senor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you.  You should
spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat.  With the
proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you
would have a fleet of fishing boats.  Instead of selling your catch to a
middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your
own cannery.  You would control the product, processing and distribution.

You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico
City, then LA and eventually New York where you will run your expanding
enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then, senor?"

The American laughed and said that's the best part.  When the time is right
you would announce a public float of your company and sell your company stock
to the public.  This would then make you very rich - you would make millions !!

"Millions, senor?  Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire.  Move to a small coastal fishing
village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take
siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could
sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
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     The following surprise announcement was forwarded on by Varghese,
     David at Telstra, and also by Nestor over in Illinois (but I guess
     it is pretty exciting):
                         ------------------------

                    Microsoft Announces Improved BSOD

In a surprise announcement today, Microsoft President Steve Ballmer revealed
that the Redmond based company will allow computer resellers and end-users to
customise the appearance of the Blue Screen of Death (abbreviated BSOD), the
screen that displays when the Windows operating system crashes.

The move comes as the result of numerous focus groups and customer surveys
done by Microsoft.  Thousands of Microsoft customers were asked, "What do you
spend the most time doing on your computer?"  A surprising number of
respondents said, "Staring at a Blue Screen of Death".  At 54 percent, it was
the top answer, beating the second place answer "Downloading Pornography" by
an easy 12 points.

"We immediately recognised this as a great opportunity for ourselves, our
channel partners, and especially our customers." explained the excited
Ballmer to a room full of reporters.

Immense video displays were used to show images of the new customisable BSOD
screen side-by-side with the older static version.  Users can select from a
collection of "BSOD Themes", allowing them to instead have a Mauve Screen of
Death or even a Paisley Screen of Death.  Graphics and multimedia content can
now be incorporated into the screen, making the BSOD the perfect conduit for
delivering product information and entertainment to Windows users.

The Blue Screen of Death is by far the most recognised feature of the Windows
(tm) operating system, and as a result, Microsoft has historically insisted
on total control over its look-and-feel.  This recent departure from that
policy reflects Microsoft's recognition of the Windows desktop itself as the
"ultimate information portal."  By default, the new BSOD will be configured to
show a random selection of Microsoft product information whenever the system
crashes.  Microsoft channel partners can negotiate with Microsoft for the
right to customise the BSOD on systems they ship.

Major computer resellers such as Compaq, Gateway, and Dell are already lining
up for premier placement on the new and improved BSOD.

Balmer concluded by getting a dig in against the Open Source community.
"This just goes to show that Microsoft continues to innovate at a much faster
pace than open source.  I have yet to see any evidence that Linux or the
MacIntosh even has a BSOD, let alone a customisable one."
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       And after all that - it's time to visit our List out West:
                         ------------------------

                    AT LAST - THE BLONDES STRIKE BACK

Q:  What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
A:  The invitation.

Q:  What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A:  A hostage.

Q:  Who makes bras for brunettes?
A:  Fisher-Price.

Q:  Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
A:  It matches their moustache.

Q:  What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A:  A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

Q:  What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
A:  Brown-bagging it.

Q:  What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
A:  No one else wants it.

Q:  Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?
A:  So brunettes can remember them.

Q:  What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
A:  Invisible.

Q:  What's a brunette's mating call?
A:  Has the blonde left yet?"

Q:  Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
A:  The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

Q:  Why is the brunette considered an evil colour?
A:  When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?
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     Now for another of those delightful "kids wisdom" thingees, as just
     forwarded on by Linda Ottery (now at MolSci).  Shades of Keith Smith's
     often-hilarious "Pied Piper" radio program, which used to air on a
     Friday evening on the Australian Macquarie Broadcasting Service back
     in the 1960's ...
                         ------------------------

                      HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

"Sports - she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep
the chips and dip coming."
    Alan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck
with."
    Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
-------------------------------------

"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then."
    Camille, age 10

"No age is good to get married at.  You got to be a fool to get married."
    Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
--------------------------------------------------

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
    Eddie, 6

"You might have to guess - based on whether they seem to be yelling at the
same kids."
    Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
--------------------------------------------------

"Both don't want no more kids."
    Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
----------------------------------

"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other.  Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
    Lynnette, age 8.

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date."
    Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
--------------------------------------------------------

"I'd run home and play dead.  The next day I would call all the newspapers and
make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."
    Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
-------------------------------

"When they're rich."
    Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that."
    Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and
have kids with them.  It's the right thing to do."
    Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
--------------------------------------
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.  Boys need someone
to clean up after them."
    Anita, 9

"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change
no diapers.  Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and
have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing."
    Kirsten, age 10

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
-----------------------------------------------------------
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
    Kelvin, age 8

"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the
same as they do now."
    Roberta, age 7

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
-----------------------------------
"Tell your wife that she looks *pretty* - even if she looks like a truck."
    Ricky, age 10
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      And another quickie - this time, from Nicki the XRD Ogre:
                         ----------------

                          Medical Ethics

Howard had felt guilty all day long.  No matter how much he tried to forget
about it, he couldn't.  The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

Yet every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure
him, "Howard.  Don't worry about it.  You aren't the first doctor to sleep
with one of his patients and you certainly won't be the last."

But invariably, the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Howard.
You're a vet."
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           Time for one from David (Fifi) McCallum:
                   ------------------------

                              CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects.  They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry
cereal.  The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the
mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another house-plant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet
while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the
stairs.  In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once
again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair ... must try this on
their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving,
incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt
to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into
their hearts.  They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat
I was ... hmmm.  Not really working according to plan ...

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are.  For no good reason I
was chosen for the water torture.  This time however it included a burning
foamy chemical called "shampoo."  What sick minds could invent such a liquid?
My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices.  I was placed
in solitary throughout the event.  However, I could hear the noise and smell
the foul odour of the glass tubes they call "beer."  More importantly I
overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of something called
"allergies."  Must learn what this is and work out how to use it to my
advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.
The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return.  He is
obviously a half-wit.  The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant.
He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and
speaks with them regularly.  I am certain he reports my every move.  Due to
his current placement in his metal contraption, his safety is currently
assured.  But - I can wait - believe me, it is only a matter of time ...
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      And to finish off - this little news item as forwarded on by my
      occasional Guinness drinking buddy - John, over at the Museum of Vic:
                         ------------------------

                        EVOLUTION REMOVED FROM TEXT

(WICHITA, Kan.) - The publisher of a Kansas history textbook will remove a
chapter on state geology and paleontology after the State Board of Education's
vote to allow schools to stop teaching evolution.  Officials said they didn't
want to limit the marketability of the middle school book, tentatively titled
"Kansas - The Prairie Spirit Lives."
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[ End Fri humour ]




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