Friday humour - August 20, 1999

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

Just a titch late this week, but here we go anyway.  First contribution
came courtesy of David (Fifi) McCallum:

A little boy came down to breakfast.  Since he lived on a farm, his mother
asked if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chooks, and he kicks a
chook.  He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.  He goes to feed the
pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?  Why don't I have any milk in my
cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chook, so you
don't get any eggs.  I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon,
either.  I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as
he's walking into the kitchen.  The little boy looks up at his mother with a
smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

   This one's from John Stevens (a titch sexist, but aren't half our jokes?):

Ready to go, he skips downstairs where his driver greets him and says "Wow
Jeff, you're looking in fine form this morning" before taking a quick whiff
and adding "you're a bit on the nose though - why don't you use some of my

So Jeff does.  After arriving at Parliament, he bumps into Allan
Stockdale, who can't help but notice what a fine figure the Premier cuts.
"Jeff, I've never seen you looking so good; the cameras are going to be in
love with you today.  What's with the smell though?"

By now Jeff is a bit worried, so he takes himself off to see the doctor.
The doc cancels all his other appointments and gladly welcomes the

"How are you feeling today Jeff?"

"I feel like a million dollars, doc"

"Well,  you look a picture of health today - better than guys half you're age
- what brings you h...", stopping as his nose answered the question before he
could finish.  "Better get this checked out"

So the doc picks up his medical diagnosis book and finds the appropriate
section.  "Lets see now - Looks great, smells great, feels bad no that's not
it.   OK, I'll try the next one - Feels great, smells great, looks bad - no
that's not it either.  I'll try again - Looks great, feels great, smells bad"

The Premier jumps up and shout's "Yes that's me - what seems to be the
problem Doc?"

"Well, it says here that you're a cunt"

       Now for something from way out west:


10) "He who hesitates ... is lost."

9) "Both sides are here to play rugby."

8) "You don't like to see hookers going down on players like that."

7) "The turf here (Newlands) never took properly and it isn't very well
    rooted ... in fact you could say it is rooted ... did I just say that?"

6) "He's looking for some meaningful penetration in the backline."

5) "Spencer's running across field calling out come inside me, come
    inside me."

4) "I can tell you it's a magnificent sensation when the gap opens up
    like that and you just burst right through."

3) A Sky TV producer was conducting a sound test before the last
   Springbok test at Carisbrook ...

   "Murray can you hear me? ... Murray - can you hear me?"
    Murray; "No."

2) "Darryl Gibson has been quite magnificent coming inside Andrew
    Mehrtens, and I'm looking forward to seeing more of the same today."

  ....And the undisputed Mexted leader, the never to be forgotten shocker
   from a 1998 Super 12 Hurricanes match....

1) "Everybody knows that I have been pumping Martin Leslie for a couple
    of seasons now."

      And another contribution from "the bitch in XRD" - Nicki Agro :-)

                            Lesson number one

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.  A small rabbit saw the
crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."  So, the rabbit sat on the ground below
the crow, and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

                              Lesson number two

A turkey was chatting with a bull.  "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the
tree.  Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of
the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

                              Lesson number three

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's
responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to
where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn
all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally
the arsehole spoke up.  All the parts laughed at the idea of the arsehole being
the Boss.  So the arsehole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet
twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that the arsehole should be the Boss, so the
motion was passed.  All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just
sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story:
You don't need brains to be a Boss - any arsehole will do.

       And another quick one from the westerly direction:

Dennis Rodman picks up a woman in a bar, and they eventually end up going
back to his hotel room.  He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and
she sees that on his arm he has a tattoo that reads "Reebok".

She thinks that is a bit odd and asks him about it.  Dennis says, "When I
play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for the

A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg.  He
gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.  Finally, he takes his
underwear off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis.

She jumps back with shock and says, "I'm not going to have sex with a guy who
has AIDS!"

He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS"

       Here's another one forwarded on by Christian Doblin:

Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a rough
pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the
bar.  The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Chris:  I reckon he's an accountant.
James:  No way  - he's a stockbroker.
Chris:  He ain't no stockbroker!  A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until then volume of beer gets the
better of Chris and he makes for the toilet.  On entering the toilet he sees
that the suit is standing at a urinal.  Curiosity and the several beers get
the better of the builder ...

Chris:  S'cuse me ... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering
        what you do for a living?

Suit:  No offence taken!  I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!

Chris: Oh!  What's that then?

Suit:  I'll try to explain by example.  Do you have a goldfish at home?

Chris:  Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit:  Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond.
       Which is it?

Chris:  It's in a pond!

Suit:  Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Chris:  As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit:  Well then it's logical to assume that in this town that if you have a
       large garden that you have a large house?

Chris:  As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ... built it myself!

Suit:  Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to
       assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
       quite probably married?

Chris:  Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!

Suit:  Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with
       your wife on a regular basis?

Chris:  Yep!  Four nights a week!

Suit:  Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very

Chris:  Me?  Never!

Suit:  Well there you are!  That's logical science at work!

Chris: How's that then?

Suit:  Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the
       size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex

Chris:  I see!  That's pretty impressive.  Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.

James:  I see the suit was in there.  Did you ask him what he does?

Chris:  Yep!  He's a logical scientist!

James:  What's that then?

Chris:  I'll try and explain.  Do you have a goldfish?

James:  Nope

Chris:  Well then - you're a wanker.

      This final one was forwarded on Russell Newnham, and also by Jean:

                          HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to
   lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.  If you see your
   boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that
   you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.

4. Get in the shower.  Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah,
   wide loofah and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added

6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added

7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with
   natural crocus oil.  Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red

9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash

10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you
    must make sure that it has all come off).

11. Shave armpits and legs.  Consider shaving bikini area but >decide to get
    it waxed instead.

12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose
    the water pressure.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegy off all wet surfaces in shower.  Spray mold spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower.  Dry with towel the size of a small African country.
    Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit.  Attack with
    nails/tweezers if found.

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any
    exposed and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half
    getting dressed.

                    HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave
   them in a pile on the floor.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom.  If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way,
   flash her making the "woo" sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut
   to see if you have pecs (no).  Admire the size of your dick in the
   mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)

6. Wash your face

7. Wash your armpits

8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.

11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

14. Pee (in the shower).

15. Rinse off and get out of the shower.  Fail to notice water on the floor
    because you left the curtain hang out of the tub the whole time.

16. Partial dry off.

17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles.  Admire dick size.

18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

19. Leave bathroom and fan light on.

20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist.  If you pass your
    girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your dick, go "Yeah baby" and
    thrust your pelvis at her.

21. Throw wet towel on the bed.  Take 2 minutes to dry off.
[ End Fri humour ]

 Previous (August 13, 1999)  Index Next (August 27, 1999)