Friday humour - August 13, 1999

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Yo,
First up this week, it's an Irish joke from Nestor over in Illinois (and it's
good to see they have Irish jokes over there too:-)
                        -----=====[|]=====-----

An Irishman was drinking at the pub all night.  The bartender came up to him
and told him that the bar was closing.  So the Irishman stood up to leave and
fell flat on his face.  He tried to stand up one more time with the same
result.  So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some
fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell again -- right on his face.  So he decided
to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried
one more time with the same results.

Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom.  When he
reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.  This time he managed to
pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound
asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?"  He asked as he put on an innocent look.

"The pub called - you've left your wheelchair there again."
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       Incidentally, this week's collection all came in around Feb this
       year.  Anyway ... this next one was forwarded on by John Stevens:
                        -----=====[|]=====-----

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde
sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since
she did not have a first class ticket.  The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm
beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot
to speak with her.  He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move
out of the first class section.  Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm
beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

The copilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.
The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear.  She
immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, Why
didn't anyone just say so."

Surprised, the flight attendant and the copilot asked what he said to her
that finally persuaded her to move from her seat.

"I just told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
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      Okay - next, it's a (clean) offering from David (Fifi) McCallum:
                        -----=====[|]=====-----

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to
her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.  She heard
the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off,
get the hell off now, because this is the last stop!  And all of you sons of
bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train, 'cause we're going
down the tracks."

The mother rushed from the kitchen and told her son, "We don't use that kind
of language in this house.  Now I want you to go to your room and you are to
stay there for TWO HOURS.  When you come out, you may play with your train
again, but this time I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with
his train.  Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All
passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of
your belongings with you.  We thank you for riding with us today and hope your
trip was a pleasant one.  We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you who are just boarding,
we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.  Remember, there
is no smoking on the train.  We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are
pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
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     Now John Stevens must have been fairly prolific back in February,
     because this next contribution is from him too:
                        -----=====[|]=====-----

A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with him
for $500.  And she did.

Before he left in the morning, he told her that he did not have any cash with
him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her,
calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT".

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realising the whole
event was not worth the price.  So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250
instead and enclosed the following note:

  Dear Madam,

Enclosed find a cheque in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.  I am
not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was
under the impression that:

1. It had never been occupied.

2. That there was plenty of heat.

3. That it was small enough to make me cosy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had previously been occupied, that
there wasn't any heat and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250
with the following reply:

Dear Sir,
First of all, I can not understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to
remain unoccupied indefinitely.

As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you
don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.
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      Now for another from one of my ex-Elevator friends - Dave Moors:
                        -----=====[|]=====-----

A man decides that he really wants a pet monkey so he goes in the local pet
store and asks if they have any monkeys.  The store owner takes him to the
back of the store and there's a cage with two identical monkeys in it.

The man asks how much the monkeys are, and the owner says "The one on the
left is $500, and the one on the right is $5000."

The man asked why there was such a price difference between the two and the
owner says that the $500 monkey is just a normal monkey, but the $5000 monkey
was owned by a famous porn star and she taught it to give outstanding
blow-jobs.

The man thinks it over and decides to go with the $5000 monkey.

A few days later, the man is at home and his wife comes home.  As soon as she
opens the door, she hears this incredible crashing and banging coming from
the kitchen.  She goes to the kitchen only to see the monkey standing on a
chair in front of the stove.  Her husband hands the monkey a frying pan and
the monkey then throws the frying pan as hard as it can across the room and
it hits the wall and falls on the floor.  The wife is completely perplexed by
this and watches this process repeat about 10 times before she pipes up and
asks her husband what he's doing.

The husband looks at his wife and says "Sweetheart, as soon as this monkey
learns how to cook, you're outta here!"
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     Here's another contribution from our XRD specialist, Nicki Agron-O:
                        -----=====[|]=====-----

                    JUST IN CASE YOU GO HUNTING FOR BEAR

Montana grizzly bear notice:

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the
Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and
fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the
field.

We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as
not to startle bears that aren't expecting them.  We also advise outdoorsmen
to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoorsmen should recognise the difference between black bear and grizzly
bear excrement.  Black bear excrement is smaller and contains lots of berries
and squirrel fur.  Grizzly bear excrement is larger and has little bells in
it and smells like pepper.
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      And another from Fifi:
           ----------

A 7 year old boy and his 4 year old brother were upstairs in their bedroom.
The 7 year old was explaining that it was high time that the two of them
begin swearing.

When his little brother responded enthusiastically, the 7 year old hatched
the plan, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'Hell'
and you say 'fat arse.'

The 4 year old happily agreed.  As the two boys were seating themselves at
the breakfast table, their mother walked in and asked her older son what he
would like to eat for breakfast.

The 7 year old replied, "Ah hell, Mum, I'll just have some Corn Flakes."

"WHACK!" The surprised mother reacted quickly.  The boy ran upstairs, bawling
and rubbing his behind.  With a sterner voice, the mother then turned to the
younger son.

"And what would YOU like for breakfast?"

"I don't know," the 4 year old blubbered, "but you can bet your fat arse it's
not gonna be Corn Flakes."
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         Here's an ultra-short (year-2000) one from the Westerly list:
                          ----------------

News Release January 13, 1999

Redmond, Washington

Bill Gates, Chairman and CEO of Microsoft Corporation, announced today that
the latest version of their Windows operating system, Windows 2000, would
be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.

No reason was given..
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      Now for one from Michael Lim:
              ---------

The man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.  He walks
down to the store only to find it closed.  So he goes into a nearby bar to use
the vending machine.  At the bar he sees a beautiful women and starts talking
to her.  They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they
end up in her apartment.

After they've had their fun, he realises it's 3AM and says,"Oh No, it's so
late, my wife is going to kill me.  Have you got any talcum powder?"

She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and
then goes home.  His wife was waiting for him on the doorway and she is pretty
pissed."Where the hell have you been?!?!"

"Well, honey, it's like this.  I went to the store like you asked, but they
were closed.  So I went to the bar and use the vending machine.  I saw this
great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to
another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh, yeah?  Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and screams "You bloody Liar!!
You went bowling again, didn't you!"
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     And one more from Nicki Agron-Olshina:
                --------------

       REASONS WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A MAN (in no particular order)

Understanding football, cricket, tennis ...  in fact any game called football

A five day holiday requires one overnight bag.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

Queues for the bathroom don't exist.

You can open all your own jars.

When clicking through the channels you don't have to pause at every
shot of someone crying.

All your orgasms are real.

You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

When your work is criticised, you understand that everyone doesn't secretly
hate you.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Nobody wonders if you swallow.

You never have to clean a toilet.

You can shower, shit, shave and ready to go in 10 minutes.

You save time and money by washing up in bulk every third week.

Sex means never worrying about your reputation.  In fact it makes it.

Receiving blow jobs

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, it means that they forgot to
invite you.  It doesn't mean that they hate you.  Also he or she can still be
your friend.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.

You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.

If you're over 27 and single, nobody even notices.

You can write your name in the snow.

Biological clock?  What's that?

Chocolate is just another snack.

Flowers fix everything.

You never have to worry about other people's feelings.

You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.

You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

Reverse parking is easy

Foreplay is optional.

Window shopping is what you do when you buy windows.

Michael Bolton does not exist in your universe.

You don't have to clean your house if the meter reader's coming by.

You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.  In fact you
encourage them.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's arse if no-one notices your new haircut.

You can quietly watch a game on TV with a buddy for hours without ever
thinking he's mad at you.

You never look at the size of a baby's head and cringe.

The whole world is your urinal.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

One mood, all the time.

Same work, More pay!

Grey hair and wrinkles add character.

The remote control is yours and yours alone.

No such thing as bunny-hopping half an inch above the toilet seat.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other
friends and they won't try and work out what the problem is.  Nor imagine one
if one does not exist.

Someday you'll be a dirty old man.  And you're looking forward to it.

You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.

Dieting involves getting regular sized fries with your burger.

Porn movies are designed specifically with your mind in mind.

You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

Not liking a person doesn't exclude having great sex with them.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So ... notice anything
different?"

Farts are not just funny, they are bloody hilarious
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     And to finish off for this week - something suitably disgusting and
     crude from our friends out West :-)
                            -----=====[|]=====-----

An English, A Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf
Society.  All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by
rubbing first his chest and then his groin.  When he finishes the Scotsman
and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well!" he explained, "by rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus
Ladies.  And by rubbing my groin, I indicated balls, and thus Gentlemen.
So my speech started 'Ladies and Gentlemen' ".

On his way up to the podium, the Scotsman thought to himself "I'll go one
better than that English bastard", and he started his speech by making an
antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest
and his groin.

When he finished, his colleagues asked what he was doing.

"Well" he explained "By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin,
I was starting my speech by saying 'Deer Ladies and Gentlemen' ".

On his way up to the podium, the Irishman thought to himself 'I'll go one
further than those mainland bastards', and he started his speech by making an
antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest and then his groin, and then
masturbating furiously.

When he finished, his colleagues asked him what *he* was doing.

"Well" he explained, "by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my
groin, and then *masturbating*, I was starting *my* speech by saying:
'Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me _great_ pleasure......."
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[ End Fri humour ]




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