Friday humour - August 05, 1999

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

      Yo,
  I'll try to shorten the collection a bit this week - it's definitely been
  a bit on the large side in the last few months, which makes it a trifle
  daunting to read (and produce!).

  Christian Doblin just forwarded on the following story.  Now - even if you
  normally don't find the time to read Friday humour, you really ought to
  drop what you're doing and read *this* one:
                           -----====[|]====-----


                          NOT THE BEST PUBLICITY

                           Fly Air Zimbabwe (??)

This is a true story published in the Chicago Tribune "Travel" section for
Sunday, June 6, 1999 in a story entitled "Choppy Skies - A  white-knuckle
flight on Air Zimbabwe" by Gaby Plattner.

It seems that Plattner was travelling with a backpacking group through Africa
as they found themselves waiting in Kariba airport for a flight to Hwange ...

"Our flight was delayed, so we settled down to wait.  And wait.  Three hours
later, we were finally told the plane was ready to board.  Air Zimbabwe
bought many of its planes second-hand from other airlines,  and the one we
got into was no exception.  Dirty and ancient, the mid-size jetliner was
clearly one that no one else had wanted.

Inside, we settled into the seats with 80 or 90 other passengers and waited.
And waited some more.  Finally, the pilot's voice came over he loudspeaker.
'We're all ready to go ladies and gentlemen.  However, we've been waiting for
the copilot, and he still hasn't arrived.  Since we've already waited so
long,  we're just going to be flying without a copilot today.'

There was a nervous buzz through the cabin.  He continued, 'If any of you
feel uncomfortable with this, feel free to disembark now and Air Zimbabwe
will put you on the next available flight to Hwange.' Here he paused.
'Unfortunately, we are not sure when that will be.  But rest assured, I have
flown this route hundreds of times, we have clear blue skies, and there are
no foreseeable problems.'

No one in Plattner's group, doubtful as they might have been, wanted to wait
any longer at Kariba for a plane that may or may not materialise, so they
stayed on-board for the one-hour flight.  Once the aircraft reached cruising
altitude, the pilot came on the loudspeaker again 'Ladies and gentlemen.  I
am going to use the bathroom.  I have put the plane on auto-pilot and
everything will be fine.  I just don't want you to worry.' That said, he came
out of the cockpit, fastened the door open with a rubber band to a hook on
the wall.  Then he went to the bathroom.

Plattner continues:  Suddenly, we hit a patch of turbulence.  Nothing much -
the cabin just shook a little for a moment.  But the rubber band snapped off
with a loud 'fff-twang!' and went sailing down the aisle.  The door promptly
swung shut.

A moment later, the pilot came out of the bathroom.  When he saw the closed
door, he stopped cold.  I watched him from the back and wondered what was
wrong.  The stewardess came running up, and together they both tried to open
the door.  But it wouldn't budge.

It slowly dawned on me that our pilot was locked out of the cockpit.  Cockpit
doors lock automatically from the inside to prevent terrorists from entering.
Without a copilot, there was no one to open the door from the inside.  By now,
the rest of the passengers had become aware of the problem, and we watched
the pilot, horrified.  What would he do?

After a moment of contemplation, the pilot hurried to the back of the plane.
He returned holding a big axe.  Without ceremony, he proceeded to chop down
the cockpit door.  We were rooted to our seats as we watched him.

Once he managed to chop a hole in the door, he reached inside, unlocked the
door, and let himself back in.  Then he came on the loudspeaker, his voice a
little shakier this time than before. 'Ah, ladies and gentlemen, we just had
a little problem there, but everything is fine now.   We have plans to cover
every eventuality - even pilots getting locked out of their cockpits.  So
relax and enjoy the rest of the flight!'
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      This next one was just passed on by Mike Horne, and I knew I'd seen it
      before somewhere.  Sure enough, Brian McNicol (UK) also forwarded it on
      last October (and it was as yet unsent).  So, finally ...
                             -----====[|]====-----

An 80 year old man was having his annual check-up when the doctor asked how
he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year
old bride who is pregnant and having my child!  What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "let me tell you a
story.  I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.  He never missed a season.  But
one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella
instead of his gun." the doctor continued,.

"So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of
him!  He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the
handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No!"

The doctor continued, "Well, the bear dropped dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.  "Someone else must have shot the
bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
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           Mike actually forwarded on a few - and here's another of 'em:
                            -----====[|]====-----

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love
my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show
you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business.
All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories.  I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and
take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind
a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a
moneymaking organisation, but you don't like factories and won't work in a
office.  What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."
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      Back to the U.K. now.  This one was sent over by Steve Kerassitis (son
      of Tony K), who's currently working over in London.  He's not actually
      on the humour list but Dad sends 'em over to him:
                            -----====[|]====-----

A successful businessman flew to Star City for the weekend to gamble.  He
lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but the second half of his
round trip ticket.  If he could just get to the airport, he could get himself
home.  So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a taxi
waiting.  He got in and explained his situation to the taxi driver.  He
promised to send the driver money from home and he offered him his credit
card number,  his driver's licence number, his address, etc. all to no
avail.

The taxi driver shouted, "If you don't have $20, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in
time to catch his flight.

One year later, the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his
financial success, returned to Star City and this time he won a fortune.
Now feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino
to catch a taxi ride back to the airport.  Well, who should he see out there,
at the end of a long line of taxis, but his old mate who had refused to give
him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for
his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.  The businessman got in the first
taxi in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked.

"Twenty dollars," came the reply.

"And how much extra for you to give me a blow job on the way?"

"What?!  Get the hell out of my cab, you arsehole!"

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the
same questions, with the same result.  When he reached his old friend at the
back of the line, he got into the taxi and asked, "How much for a ride to the
airport?"

The taxi driver replied, "Twenty dollars."

The businessman said "OK" and off they went.  Then, as they drove slowly past
the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to
each of the other drivers.
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       And now for the traditional collection from "that" list over
       on the other side of Oz:
                         -----====[|]====-----

Tony gets home early from school and, after questioning from his mother,
admits the reason was that he was caught having sex with his teacher.

His mother is understandably horrified and sends him to his room.

Later that afternoon Tony's father comes home and visits his nervous son.
He explains that he has heard about having sex with the teacher,
and that he is very proud.  At last his son is becoming a man and it is a
great achievement.

To Tony's surprise his Dad then wheels in a brand new bike as a present to
his maturing son.

"Well Tony?" says the expectant father "aren't you going to try it out?"

"Not at the moment" Tony replies "my arse is still very sore"
                               -------------

   ... and ...

The Scene: First DAY OF BIG SCHOOL and the former kindergarteners were trying
to become accustomed to first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

"You need to use 'big people words'" she'd always remind them.  She asked
Wendy what she had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana."

"NO - you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.  Use Big People words!"

She then asked Joey what he had done.

"I took a ride on a choo-choo."

"NO!  You took a ride on a TRAIN - use BIG PEOPLE words!"

She then asked Eddie what he had done.

"I read a book" he replied.

"That's wonderful" the teacher said.  "And which book did you read, Eddie?"

Eddie thought about this, then puffed out his chest with great pride and
answered:  "I read Winnie The Shit, Miss."
                              -------------

   ... and ...

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, and
a night of tall tales begins.

The first says, "Well, I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is.  Why,
just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I
wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing.  I was walking down
the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and
made a move for me.  I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head
off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp.  And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
   -----------------------------------------------------------------------


     And on computer Year-2000 problems (which are happening already):
                        -----====[|]====-----

                           Y2KINDERGARTEN

A retired schoolteacher in Echallens, Switzerland, has been ordered to attend
elementary school.  The unnamed 105-year-old man was included in a roundup of
5-year-olds identified by the town's computerised census of residents because
his birth year was recorded using only two digits.

"We have changed the computer program in question," the Town Hall Secretary
said.

  [Reuters]

     (... those who do not remember school are doomed to repeat it)
   -----------------------------------------------------------------------


 And to finish off for the week - a couple more "buried" contributions
    from David over at Telstra (these were sent back in November :-):
                               -------------

On a BA flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African
lady has found herself sitting next to a black man.  She called the cabin
crew attendant over to complain about her seating.

"What seems to be the problem Madam?" asked the attendant. "Can't you see?"
she said, "You've sat me next to a kafir.  I can't possibly sit next to this
disgusting human.  Find me another seat!"

"Please calm down, Madam," the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full
today, but I'll tell you what I'll do - I'll go and check to see if we have
any seats available in club or first class."

The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to
mention many of the surrounding passengers).  A few minutes later the
stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who
cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied
grin:

"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full.  I've spoken to the
cabin services director, and club is also full.  However, we do have one seat
in first class."

Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues... "It is
most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to
get special permission from the captain.  But, given the circumstances, the
captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next
such an obnoxious person."

Having said that, the stewardess turned to the black man sitting next to the
lady, and said: "So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat
ready for you..."  At which point, apparently the surrounding passengers
stood and gave a standing ovation while the black man walked up to the front
of the plane.

   ... and ...

Seems a USAir employee with the last name of Gay was flying on a company
pass.  Mr. Gay found a man in his seat and sat elsewhere.  Since the plane
turned out to be overbooked, a ticket agent approached the man in Mr. Gay's
assigned seat and asked "Are you Gay?"

When the bewildered man nodded that he was gay, the agent said, "Well, get
your things, you'll have to get off."

The real Mr. Gay overheard this and quickly interrupted, "I'm Gay."

The agent told him he'd also have to leave the plane, at which point another
passenger, observing this whole scene, announced defiantly, "I'm gay too.
Heck - you can't throw us *all* off."
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[ End Fri humour ]




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