Friday humour - July 30, 1999

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

        Hi again,
   Bit of a mixed bag again this week (time-wise).  A few contributions are
   from Oct and Nov last year, but one or two others are fairly recent.

   First up - with the old budget blues still in the air (over here at
   CSIRO, anyway), our first contribution - from Nestor at the Argonne
   National Labs - contains some pretty timely advice:
                             -----------------

Subject: REVISED TRAVEL POLICY

Due to the currently tight financial situation, changes will be made to the
Division's Business Travel standards and Procedures Manual.  Effective Monday
2nd August, the following revised procedures will apply:

Lodging

   All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while
engaging in business travel.  If weather permits, public areas such as parks
are also recommended as temporary lodging sites.

NOTE:  Bus terminals, train stations, office lobbies and public toilets may
provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

Transportation

   Hitch-hiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial
transport.  Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to
their departure on business trips.  Bus transportation will be used only when
work schedules require such travel.

Airline tickets will be authorised in extreme circumstances and the lowest
fares will be used.  For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Sydney, but
the lower fare can be obtained by travelling to Brisbane, then travel to
Brisbane will be substituted for travel to Sydney.

Meals

   Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum.  It should
be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains such as Ballantynes, Myers
and David Jones often provide free samples of promotional food items.  Entire
meals can be obtained in this manner.  Travellers should also be familiar with
indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their
destinations.

If restaurants must be utilised, travellers should use "All you can eat"
salad bars.  This is especially effective for employees travelling together as
one plate can be used to feed the entire group.  Employees are also
encouraged to bring their own food on business travel.  Cans of Tuna Fish,
Spam, and Braised Steak and Onions can be consumed at your leisure without
the necessary bother of heating or costly preparation.

Miscellaneous

  All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in effort to
minimise expenditure.  One enterprising individual has already suggested that
money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to
defray travel expenses.  In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to
all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping
others with their luggage.  Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also
be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.
                             ------=[|]=------

   ... and ...

                             MORE FUNNY SIGNS

Found written on the wall in front of a photocopier of a company going
through hardship:
"DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE - XEROX YOUR PAYCHECKS "
 - Maninder Bakshi

At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation:
"Belt your family.  It's the LAW."
 - Linda Snow

Seen while travelling in the Yucatan Peninsula:
"Broken English spoken perfectly"
 - Calypso828

At an Applebee's restaurant:
"NOTICE: EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY!  A new 6% tax will be charged for the cost of
collecting taxes."
 - Michal Rosenn

Fitness Center sign:
"Self Esteem is feeling good about yourself - regardless of the facts."
 - stq

In restaurant:
"Open seven days a week and weekends."
 - Magnus3000

On the freeway in Boston during a MAJOR transformation of the streets and
bridges, etc:
"Rome wasn't built in a day.  If it had been, we would have hired their
 contractor."
 - Teisha Jones

A sign in front of an advertising agency in south superhighway, Philippines:
"A BUSINESS WITH NO SIGN IS A SIGN OF NO BUSINESS"
 - Roark

A sign in front of a Macadamia Nut Factory in Hawaii:
"Caution: Nuts crossing road."
 - Linda S. Webb
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    Now it's onto a contribution from Russell Newnham, over the road from
    here in the Battery Group (Bushell's Tea House):
                            ----------------

        HOW TO COMMENT ON WOMEN YET REMAIN POLITICALLY CORRECT

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY - she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She is not a PEROXIDE BLONDE - she is OXIDANT DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK - she is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELLERY - she is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - she is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - she engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not TOO SKINNY - she is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - she is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

She has not BEEN AROUND - she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - she commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GET YOU EXCITED - she causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

She is not KINKY - she is a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION.

She does not have a KILLER BODY - she is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

She is not an AIRHEAD - she is REALITY INDEPENDENT.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - she achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID - she is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She is not HORNY - she is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - she is GRAVITY RESISTANT.

She does not NAG YOU - she becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

She is not a SLUT - she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She is not LOOSE - she is MORALLY UNINHIBETED.

She does not have THIN LIPS - she is COLLAGEN DEPENDENT.
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      And, of course, a couple from the list out West:
                ------------

The manager of a large office noticed their new man one day and told him to
come into his office.

"What's your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled.  "Look ... I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place
you worked at before, but *I* don't call anyone by their first name.  It
breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority.  I refer to
my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker - whatever ...
and that's all.  And I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson.  Now that
we've got that straight, what's your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling.  My name is John Darling."

"Okay John.  Now, what I really called you in here to tell you about is ..."

                           ------=[|]=------


An old couple go to the doctor for their yearly physicals.  One at a time, the
doctor brings them into the examination room, starting with the husband.

"Well, Mr. Smith, you're in great shape for a man your age,"  says the
doctor.

The man replies, "Well doc, I don't drink, I don't smoke, and the good Lord
looks out for me."

"What do you mean?" asks the doctor.

The old man says, "For instance, last night in the middle of the night, I had
to get up to go to the bathroom -- and the good Lord turned on the light for
me so I wouldn't fall down."

"That's nice," said the doctor, confused.  "Please send your wife in now."

The wife comes in and the doctor says, "Mrs. Smith, you're in great shape for
a woman your age."

She then says, "Well, doc, I don't drink, I don't smoke...."

The doctor interrupts, "And the good Lord looks after you, right?"

The woman is confused and says, "What are you talking about?"

The doctor explains, "Your husband was just telling me the same thing.  He
said that the good Lord looks after him.  Like last night when he had to go to
the bathroom, the good Lord turned the light on for him."

"Harry!" she yelled. "You've been pissing in the refrigerator again!"
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       This golfing story was passed on David Finn:
                 --------------

One day a man and his wife are playing golf at their home course.  On a
certain par four, the man tees it up and hits a big slice into the woods.
They find his ball directly behind one of the greenskeeper's buildings where
equipment is stored, so that he can't play toward the green at all.  "Damn!"
the man says, "I'll have to play sideways to get back on the fairway.  I'll
make five at best."

But his wife, who had been looking things over, said "Look, this shed has
double doors at both ends.  If we open them up, you can hit a low shot right
through the building toward the green."

The man congratulated his wife on her cleverness and they set up for the
shot.  But the ball hit the top of the far doorframe and came whistling back,
striking his wife in the temple and killing her dead on the spot.

A year or so later, the same man was playing the same par 4 and hit his tee
shot in almost exactly the same spot as before, right behind the building.
As he is cursing his luck and preparing to swing, one of his playing partners
says, "Wait, look we can open these double doors and..."

"No way," the man says, cutting him off. "I was here last year and tried that
shot and ended up making a six."
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       This one comes courtesy of Eric Frazer in Light Metals:
                         ---------------

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist (a non-optimist)
sees only the worst.  An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a
pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.  Let me illustrate what
I mean . . .

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog.  His search ended
when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck.
Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by
nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by.  They fired, and a duck
fell.  The dog responded and jumped into the water.  The dog, however, did not
sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting
more than his paws wet.

The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything
unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded his friend.  "He can't swim."
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       Now for a couple more quickies from Nestor:
                     ---------------

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of
drinkers.  He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.  I'll give
$500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness
back-to-back."   The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves.  Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows
back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.  "Is your bet still good?" asks
the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them
all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin',
where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if
I could do it first."

                              ------=[|]=------


A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency department when a punk
rocker entered.  This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a
variety of tattoos and strange clothing.  It was determined that the patient
had acute appendicitis and she was scheduled for an immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that
her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading:

  "Keep off the grass"

After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the
dressing, which said:

"Sorry - had to mow the lawn."
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Here's one more contribution from the Westerly list - but
       "Warning Will Robinson" - it's somewhat lewd (and crude):
                               ----------------

A man walks into an expensive restaurant, and goes straight up to the
headwaiter.

"Where's the fucking manager?" he asks.  The shocked headwaiter asks him to
repeat the question.  To which the man replies: "Get me the cock-sucking
manager, you scrawny little fuck-wit."

The embarrassed headwaiter tells the man that he'll fetch the manager, but he
should wait where he is and refrain from using such disgusting language in a
posh restaurant.  Shortly afterwards, he returns with the manager.

"Are you the wanker who runs this shithole?" asks the man.

"Yes, I am the manager", he replies.  "How can I help you?"

"I've come about that shit piano playing job you've got advertised in the
fucking paper", says the man.

The manager agrees to let him try for the job and leads him to the piano.

"Right", says the manager, "If you're a piano player, play me some jazz."

The man sits down and plays the most wonderful jazz music the manager has
ever heard.

"That's amazing" says the manager, shocked at how the foul-mouthed man can
play. "Did you write it yourself?"

"Sure did" says the man, "It's called 'Shaggin' a sheep on a hilltop with the
moon shining up my arse'."

"Oh, I see" replies the manager, "And, err ... well, can you play any blues?"

The man immediately starts to play excellent blues music.  He finishes and
says "I call that one 'Trying to fuck my bitch on the sofa, but my bollocks
are caught in the springs'."

The manager agrees to give the man the job immediately, on the understanding
that he doesn't talk to any customers.  A week later, the man is sitting in
the Gents having a five minute break in between playing his tunes.  Since
nobody's around, he decides to have a quick wank to pass the time.  Just as he
shoots his load, there's a sharp knock on the door.

"Oi" shouts the manager, "What are you doing in there?  People are waiting
to hear you play."

The man hurriedly pulls up his trousers and goes back to the piano.  He's just
about to start playing when a woman approaches him.

"Excuse me", she whispers, "but do you know your nob's hanging out of your
fly and dribbling jism on your shoes?"

"Know it ...!?", replies the man " ... I fucking wrote it!"
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Time for another one from Caroline over at Monash (via Jean).  As with
     much of this weeks collection, it's been "waiting in the wings" since
     last November:
                            ------------

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and then dipping your chin
into a bowl of iron filings.
  - B Villbens, Birmingham

A Hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest makes an
unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties.
  - L Traintu, Clarkesville

Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey.  It gives
any cocktail a bit of 'oomph'.
  - James Francis, East Glamorgan Hospital

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with
thin strips of bacon.
  - Phil Wasey, Liverpool

Can't afford contact lenses?  Simply cut out small circles of cling film and
press them into your eyes.
  - D. Stokes, Middlesex

Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa anytime
by just turning on the tap.
  - Mrs M Growitt, Birmingham

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed
and on time.
  - Sgt. R. J. Crowe, 662 Squadron. Germany

Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol whenever you park
your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two plastic buckets.
  - D. Griffiths, Kent

Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking
gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to
someone else's house.
  - Mr P. Lilburn, Rotherham

Record the sound of your wife having an orgasm, and then listen to the tape
through headphones next time you make love.  That way you can have sex
without waking her.
  - Frank Wilson, Southend

Girls!  Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you
can't and it just looks silly.  Just throw it girlie underarm style, and
no-one will laugh at you or get hurt.
  - D. Thresher, Wapping

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes'
eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
  - Someone, Somewhere

As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we smell gas,
I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use in such emergencies.
  - Mrs D. Bibby Rugby

Avoid paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable Middle East country
inhabited by religious fanatics.  Ignore British Government advice to leave when
a war looks imminent, then moan a few weeks later when bombs start going off and
there aren't any planes home.
  - S Goblin, Middlesex

Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your head stuck
in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide out.
  - Kate Emblen, Uxbridge

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
  - P Raker, Chatham

Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and attaching
them with a length of nylon fishing line.  This can then be worn around the neck.
  - B Morgan, Criccieth

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a
handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
  - D Duckham, Didford

Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative to
sun-bed treatments.
  - Mr T. Eebly, Warstead

I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving.  The secret
is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you have completely forgotten
ever owning a car.
  - Mike Grey, Essex

Prevent crisps cutting your gums and getting caught between teeth by soaking
them in a bowl of water before eating them.
  - G. M.Jackson, York
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


     And to finish off for this week - Mick Rand sent this *very* quick and
     dirty one back in March:
                               ----------------

A man went to the doctor with a strawberry stuck up his arse.

The doctor said, "I have some cream for that."
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[ End Fri humour ]




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