Friday humour - July 23, 1999
From Tony at Bluehaze:
And time for another dose of humour to "wind down" the week. Some of you
might remember me saying that this list began in 1995 as a quick test for our
mail system over at Mineral Products in Port Melbourne (after I'd made any
sort of change). I'd send an e-mail to the whole Division to verify that all
was well with the various list expansions and aliases, and eventually began
to include a joke or two (just in case anyone failed to notice the "Test
Only" subject header).
Well - Warner did another major upgrade to the mail server over here last
week, and just after that, I posted last weeks Friday humour. And sure
enough - a minor hiccup in our recursive "alias expansion" immediately showed
up. Easy enough to fix, but I found it interesting that the joke mail-out
had inadvertently served its original purpose once again :-)
Anyway - enough of such nonsense and onto the humour. The first contribution
this week is anonymous (only by accident - I somehow managed to delete the
mail header). Enjoy:
FABULOUS FURRY FREAK BROTHERS
ON MARTIAL ARTS AND METAPHYSICS
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the nads
like this before.
To err is human, to moo bovine.
ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a co-ordinate transform.
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I
have the heart of a young boy. In a jar. On my desk.
-- Steven King
ON PROBLEM SOLVING
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a
-- Abraham Maslow
He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.
ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES
Photons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic.
If you had everything, where would you keep it?
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has
printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
-- English Professor, Ohio University
ON REVISIONIST HISTORY
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?
When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional
division by zero.
ON MATERIAL SCIENCE
Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with
-- Dorothy Parker
ON EXPLANATION OF THE END
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C
-- Robert Firth
The meek shall inherit the earth - they are too weak to refuse.
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
-- Joe Walsh
2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for very large values of 2.
ON WORLD POLITICS
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
AND FINALLY, ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We
don't believe this to be a coincidence.
Down to Hobart now, for one forwarded on by Craig Proctor at
* Q. Why didn't JFK, Jr. take a shower before he left for the Vineyard?
* A. He said he'd wash up on shore.
* Q. What's the Kennedy's flying motto?
* A. Your luggage will arrive before you do.
* Q. What do Kennedys miss most about Martha's Vineyard?
* A. The runway.
* Q. What will it take to bring the first family back together?
* A. One more bullet.
* Q. Why was JFK Jr. flying to the Vineyard?
* A. He wanted to crash his cousin's wedding.
* Q. Why did they have trouble finding JFK Jr's plane?
* A. Because his flight actions constitute wreckless behaviour.
* And it used to be that Kennedys drowned their women one at a time!
* We hear JFK, Jr. has changed his name to "Bob".
And now for a little something from the old west (this one actually
floated through in September of last year):
Years ago, while lying in my hammock, I noticed my dog dragging something
under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay I realised it was the next
door 10 year old girl's rabbit.
For years I'd watched her come home from school and head straight out to the
rabbit cage, open it, and play with the rabbit in the yard. I knew today
would be no different, so fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.
The rabbit was quite dirty and looked as though it had put up quite a
struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the dog brush, and
blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing it's grooming, I then
jumped the fence and popped back in it's cage - hoping that it's death would
be just put down to natural causes. Back to the hammock.
Within the hour, the neighbours Volvo pulled in as usual, and out popped the
little girl - and as usual, she headed straight for the cage.
Only, this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed: "DADDY!!!!!!!"
Her father, panic stricken, stood gaping at the cage.
Being the good neighbour that I am, I rushed to fence and asked if there was
anything I could do. Her father less than calmly blurted, "What sort of sick
individual would dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and then go and put it
back in its cage??"
Okay - over to John at the Museum of Vic for this short one:
According to a US news service, the inscription on the metal bands used by
the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.
The bands used to bear the inscription of the Washington Biological Survey,
"Wash. Biol. Surv."
This was the case until the agency received the following letter from an
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I
followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag, and I must tell you that it
The bands are now being marked as "Fish and Wildlife Service".
Now for another bit of wisdom from the old list out west ...
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the cage, hang a banana on a
string and put a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the
stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the
stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water. After a while, another
monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the monkeys are sprayed
with cold water.
Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys
will try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one monkey from
the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and
wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other monkeys attack
him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the
stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new
one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer
takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
Again, replace a third original monkey with a new one. The new one makes it
to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four monkeys that beat him
have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are
participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing the fourth and fifth original monkeys, all the monkeys which
have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no monkey
ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?
"Because that's the way it's always been around here."
And that is how organisational policy begins.
And another (short) one - this time from Tom Burns:
German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of
copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that
the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered
their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small
pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years
ago already had a nationwide fibre net.
Polish scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground,
but found absolutely nothing...
They concluded that the ancient Poles 55,000 years ago had bat phones.
This next one was sent by Lachlan about 12 months ago, and it got
buried in the pile. But then Dave Freeman recently passed it on:
KISSING THE MIRROR
I have no idea if this is true or not but it makes for a funny story:
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a
unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would
put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their
lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all
the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She
explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how
difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one
of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled brush, dipped it into the toilet
and scrubbed the mirror.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Now for another David McCallum posting:
MORE QUOTABLE QUOTES
"Smoking kills, and if you`re killed, you`ve lost a very important part of
- Brooke Shields, trying to explain why smoking is bad.
"It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sands.
I beat people up."
- Muhammad Ali
"Divorces are Fewer among Single People, Chicago Figures Show."
- Headline in the Chicago Tribune
"In theory, there's no difference between theory and practice.
But, in practice, there is."
- Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut
"NOTICE: Ramganga River is inhabited by crocodiles. Swimming is prohibited.
Survivors will be prosecuted."
- Sign in the Corbett National Park, India
"Banks will lend you money if you can prove you don`t need it."
- Mark Twain
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
- Dan Quayle, Former Vice-President
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
- Keppel Enderbery, Former Australian cabinet minister
"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago."
- Dan Quayle, Former U.S. Vice-President
Over to the U.K. next for one from evil cousin Mick (Rand, that is):
Pat goes into the bar on a crutch, his arm in a sling and bandages all over
The bartender says "My God Pat, what the hell happened to you?"
Pat says "I got in a fight with Riley."
The bartender says "But Riley's just a wee man and you're full grown. He must
have had something in his hand."
Pat says "That he did ... a shovel."
The bartender says "My God, man, didn't you have anything in your hand?"
Pat says "That I did. The breast of Mrs. Riley. Beautiful that it was,
but not much use in a fight."
Nestor's still sending the odd bit of humour through from Illinois
since his March visit - here's another recent sample:
GROOM'S CHILDHOOD DISEASES
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were
spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife gasped, "Ewww -- what's
wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your
feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing.
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.
"What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing
continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Argh ... don't tell me," she said. "Just let me guess ... small cox?"
Now, if you've stayed with us this far, you should really enjoy this
final one for the week. Passed on by Jean (from daughter Caroline):
DOCTORS NOTES ON PATIENTS CHARTS: (ACTUAL NOTES)
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared
She has had no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
Healthy-appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a
40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to
work her up.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she
got a divorce.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a
Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr X, who felt we should sit on the
abdomen and I agree.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
[ End Fri humour ]
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