Friday humour - July 16, 1999

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

 And for those of you who were gleefully praying that your email was broken,
 (or that you'd been dropped off the mail list), well ... bad luck - I just
 didn't send it last week :-).  I won't bore you with the reason (I just
 didn't get time).

 Anyway, most of this weeks collection came in around March.  First up - some
 material from the recently re-formed (but certainly not reformed :-) list
 out west:

                      CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE

You are Different - And That is Bad.

Daddy's New Life-Partner - Timothy.

Pop Goes the Cat and other Great Microwave Games.

The Boy Who Died from Eating His Vegetables.

The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy.

Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will.

The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead .

Bi-Curious George.

How to Become The Dominant Military Power in Your Primary School.

Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear.

You Were An Accident.

Strangers Have the Best Lollies.

The Little Sissy Who Snitched!

Some Kittens Can Fly.

Mary Was So Bad Her Mum Stopped Loving Her.

The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of
North Amer...  Hey!  Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!

The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking.

Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia.

What IS that Dog Doing to that Other Dog?

Why CAN'T Mr Fork and Mrs Power Point be Friends?

      Now for another David McCallum contribution :

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how
legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.  On one
occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too
humiliating to reveal.

I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel
up to coming in the next day.  By then, I could think up a doozy to explain
the bandage on my crown.

In this case, the truth hurt.  I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the
most pain.  The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's
wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.  As the daily routine prescribes, I was
taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me
from the kitchen.

"Ed!" she hearkened. "The garbage disposal is dead.  Come and reset it."

"You know where the button is."  I protested through the shower pitter-patter.  "Reset it yourself!"

"I'm scared!"  She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"  Pause.
"C'mon - it'll only take you a second."

No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the
fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machinephobia," a condition
brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies.  It is futile to argue or
explain.  And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was
ground into round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life.  So out I
came, dripping wet and buck naked - hoping to make a statement about how her
cowardly behaviour was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer.

I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.  It is
the last action I remember performing.  It struck without warning, without
respect to my circumstances.  Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal, drawing me into
its gnashing metal teeth.  It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the
dangling objects she spied between my legs.  She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater")
had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the
sink.  At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys
that I so unwittingly offered, and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine
region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements.
Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising
upwardly at a violent rate of speed.  Not even a well trained monk could
calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify
the situation in a step-by-step procedure.  Wild animals are sometimes faced
with a "fight or flight" syndrome;  men, in this predicament, choose only the
"flight" option.

Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is
alarmed.  It was a dismal irony.  But, whereas cats seek great heights to
escape, I never made it that far.  The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my
ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.  When I awoke, my wife and the
paramedics stood over me.  Having been fully briefed by my wife, the
paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their
hysterical laughter.

My wife told me I should be flattered.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me.  I kept
silent, claiming it was too painful to talk.

"What's the matter - cat got your tongue?"  If they had only known.

      The next contribution was forwarded on by Lachlan some little while
      back (12 months or so):

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of
ameliorating.  If anything, it's getting worse.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that
Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and the Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its
branches.  Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff
at Karate Bank got the chop.  Analysts report that there is something fishy
going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

          A couple more from the Westerly list (very short):

Q: Why did the blonde have a square chest?

A: She forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box.

Q: How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?

A: Shine a torch in her ear.

       Enough of that - now for another contribution from Tom Burns:


Free puppies - part German shepherd, part dog

2 wire mesh butchering gloves - one 5-finger, one 3-finger, pair: $15

Tickle me elmo, still in box.  Comes with it's own 1988 mustang, 5l, auto,
excellent condition $6800

Cows, calves never bred.  Also 1 gay bull for sale.

1983 Toyota Hunchback -- $20

Free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour dog

Free Yorkshire terrier. 8 years old.  Unpleasant little dog.

German shepherd. 85 lbs.  Neutered.  Speaks german.  Free.

Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty.  Like new.  Slight urine smell.

Free - 1 can of Pork & Beans with purchase of 3 br 2 bth home.

For sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50

Nordic Track exerciser - $300 - hardly used.  Call chubbie.

Found: dirty white dog ... looks like a rat ... been out a while ... better be

Hummels - largest selection ever - "If it's in stock, we have it!"

Nice parachute - never opened - used once - slightly stained

Free: farm kittens.  Ready to eat.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour?  We offer profit sharing and
flexible hours.  Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.

Notice: to person or persons who took the large pumpkin on highway 87 near
Southridge storage.  Please return the pumpkin and be checked.  Pumpkin may be
radioactive.  All other plants in vicinity are dead.

Exercise equipment - queen size mattress & box spring - $175.

Alzheimer's center prepares for an affair to remember

Ground beast: 99 cents lb.

Gas cloud clears out Taco Bill.

Open house - Body Shapers Toning Salon - Free Coffee & Doughnuts

Fully cooked boneless smoked man - $5.09 a kilo

    This next one was forwarded on by Kate D, and also by John over at the
    Museum of Vic, *and* Mike Horne.

    Mike's accompanying comment was: 'In case you didn't see this, I think it
    might just contend for a spot in Friday humour under the section entitled
    "Quaint and clean and entirely complementary to Biggus Humour".'
    Kate's comment was simply: "Gneiss."  :-)

          Eye halve a spelling chequer,
          It came with my pea sea.
          It plainly marques four my revue,
          Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

          Eye strike a key and type a word,
          And weight four it two say.
          Weather eye am wrong oar write,
          It shows me strait a weigh.

          As soon as a mist ache is maid,
          It nose bee fore two long.
          And eye can put the error rite,
          Its rare lea ever wrong.

          Eye have run this poem threw it,
          I am shore your pleased two no.
          Its letter perfect awl the weigh,
          My chequer tolled me sew.

      Well, our ol' Westerly list seemed to figure most mightily last March,
      and here's some more (I'm sure most of you will be able to relate well
      to this one):



1.   Your potted plants stay alive.

2.   Having sex in a single bed is absurd.

3.   You keep more food than beer in the 'fridge.

4.   6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

5.   You hear your favourite song in the lift at work.

6.   You carry an umbrella.

7.   You watch the Weather Channel.

8.   Your friends marry and divorce instead of get together and break-up.

9.   You go from 130 days of holidays to 7.

10.  Jeans and a jumper no longer qualify as 'dressed up'

11.  You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don't
     know how to turn down the stereo.

12.  Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

13.  You don't know what time the kebab shop closes any more.

14.  Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

15.  You feed your dog Pal instead of McDonalds.

16.  Sleeping on the lounge is a no-no.

17.  You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

18.  Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

19.  You now go to the chemist for Panadol and antacids instead of condoms and
     pregnancy test kits.

20.  A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'

21.  You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

22.  Grocery lists are now longer than "Macaroni & cheese, Diet Coke, CC's"

23.  'I just can't drink the way I used to'  replaces 'I'm never going
     to drink that much again'

24.  Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

25.  You no longer get drunk at home to save money before going to a bar.

     We recently received another collection from evil cousin Mick in the UK
     (who comments: " My telephone has been out of order ever since cousin
     David has been in England.  Keep him on a shorter leash in future
     please.")   Anyway - a small sample just to whet your appetite:

A guy walked into a bar one night and casually started a conversation with
the bartender.  He happened to look around and saw a couple of people sitting
at a table, silently moving their hands and fingers around.

"What are they doing," he asked the bartender.

"Oh, they're deaf - they're using sign language to communicate."

All of a sudden the deaf people started waving their arms wildly in the air.
The bartender jumped over the bar, grabbed them by the arms, and threw them

When he got back behind the bar, the customer asked, "Why did you do that?"

Bartender: "They KNOW there's no singing in here".

      The next one had an E-Mail "Sender" address of "Anonymous at CSIRO" ...
      so I don't even know if came from this Division.  Anyway - enjoy:

                                  NAUGHTY TALES

It's supposed to be tender, romantic, intimate.  But sometimes sex is just an
embarrassing cock-up.  These women were willing to cringe and tell all about
their Sexual Blunders:

'On our first holiday together, we went to Mauritius where we had booked a
room in a lovely hotel.  On our first night there, we had cocktails and then
went for a romantic stroll along the beach.

When we came back, we lay down on one of the chaise lounges next to the pool.
It seemed deserted and we started getting really steamy.  I kept looking
around to check that there was absolutely no-one there - and there wasn't.  So
we slipped out of our clothes and slid into the pool to see if it was possible
to have sex under water.

We were doing quite well with our experiment when, suddenly, out of nowhere -
a member of the hotel staff appeared and told us, very politely, that it may
actually be better to keep intimacy to our bedroom.

The pool, he explained, had an underwater window that made up one of the walls
of the hotel's disco, and we had been the floor show for all the guests who
were dancing (well ... they had been, until they'd seen us).

I was so humiliated that I made my boyfriend check us out of the hotel first
thing the next morning.  I spent the rest of the holiday dreading the flight
back in case anyone recognised us.'

   - Elana, publisher, 32

'My husband and I, although devout Christians, enjoy a varied and experimental
sex life.  I don't think there's anything wrong with a little role-playing in
the privacy of your marriage bed.  We have quite a well-stocked cupboard of
fantasy outfits: a little black and white frilly maid's outfit, an
old-fashioned princess gown, a highwayman's outfit and some rather racy
costumes - a bit of vinyl and leather too.

A few months ago my mother-in-law came over one evening to baby-sit our
one-year old and my sister's two daughters.  While she was watching
television, the girls (one eight and the other ten) decided to play "dress up"
with the contents of Auntie Trina's cupboard.

Imagine my horror when my husband, my sister, my brother-in-law and I arrived
home to find the 10-year-old attired in a black corset with red lacy underwear
and the eight-year-old dressed as an Egyptian slave-girl.

My mother-in-law was even more horrified.  She'd had no idea what was going on
because the girls had been hiding in our bedroom waiting to 'surprise' us -
and they weren't disappointed!  They had five open-mouthed adults staring at
them in utter amazement.  My sister was furious - and still is, I'm afraid.

   - Trina, pharmacist, 27

         The penultimate contribution this week comes from Tim:

                       IF MEN REALLY RULED THE WORLD

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to:
"I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd
appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier.  A smack on the arse and a -- "Nice hustle,
you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

The funniest guy in the organisation would get to be Chief.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable
excuse for tardiness.

Two words: Ally McNaked.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football
from a Different Camera Angle.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the
Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

Phones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

When a cop gave you a ticket, smart-ass responses would actually reduce your
fine.  As in:

Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"

You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."

Cop: "Nice one!  That's $10 off."

      And this weeks final contribution - a little air-travel tale -
      comes courtesy of Martha:

A gentleman had a serious problem.  He had made several attempts to get into
the aircraft's men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.  The
stewardess noticed that he was taking careful short steps and had a look of
pain on his face.

"Sir", the stewardess said, you may use the ladies room if you promise not to
touch any of the buttons on the wall."  He would have promised anything and
promised not to touch a thing.

The relief was pure joy and as he sat there, finally relaxing, he noticed the
buttons he had promised not to touch.  Each button was identified by at least
two letters: "WW", "WA", "PP" and a red one that had the letters, "ATR" on
it.  Now, who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist, and so he tentatively pushed "WW".  Immediately, warm
water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.  "What a _nice_ feeling!  Men's
restrooms don't have nice things like this," he thought to himself.

Anticipating something equally nice he pushed the "WA" button.  Warm air
replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.  When the air stopped, he
pushed the "PP" button, and a large powder puff patted his bottom - adding a
fragrant scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.

He now believed that the ladies restroom was more than a restroom - it was a
place of tender, loving pleasure!  When the powder puff completed it's part of
the heavenly ritual, he could hardly wait to try the "ATR" button!!

Days later ...

He knew that he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes.  A nurse was
staring down at him, vainly trying to conceal the smirk on her face.

"What happened ?" he groaned.

"You pushed one too many buttons," the nurse replied.  "The button marked
"ATR" is an Automatic Tampon Remover.  Your penis is under the pillow".
[ End Fri humour ]

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