Friday humour - July 02, 1999

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

        Hi again,
   And here's another load of nonsense to brighten up the end of another
   (somewhat cold, here in Vic) week.  At least our days are *finally*
   getting longer again ... it's a pain when you walk outside at 4:30
   in the arvo and it's already beginning to get dark.

   Anyway, onto some humour - this first contribution is courtesy of Nicki
   (XRD) Agron-Olshina:

Two Australians board a plane in London.   Just before take-off a Kiwi guy
gets on and takes the aisle seat next to the Aussies.

The Kiwi kicks off his shoes, wiggles his toes and is settling in when the
Aussie in the window seat says, "I think I'll get a coke."

"No problem," says the Kiwi.  "I'll get it for you."

While he's gone, the Aussie picks up the Kiwis shoe and spits in it.  When
the Kiwi returns with the coke, the other Aussie says, "That looks good.  I
think I'll have one too."

Again the Kiwi kindly goes to fetch it, and while he's gone the other Aussie
picks up the other shoe and spits in it.  The Kiwi returns with the coke, and
they all sit back and enjoy the short flight.

As the plane is landing the Kiwi slips his feet into his shoes and immediately
knows what has happened.

"How long must this go on?"  the Kiwi asks.  "The hatred between our people -
the animosity ... the rivalry ... the spitting in shoes and the pissing in

     This next one comes from Jean:

                          STAGES IN LIFE

                     THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE

---      --------------------
17       Beer
25       Vodka
35       Scotch
48       Double scotch
66       Mylanta

---      --------------------
17       My parents are away for the weekend.
25       My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35       My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48       My wife is away for the weekend.
66       My wife is dead.

---      --------------------
17       Sex
25       Sex
35       Sex
48       Channel surfing
66       Napping

---      --------------------
17       Tongue
25       Breakfast
35       She didn't set back my therapy.
48       I didn't have to meet her kids.
66       Got home alive.

---      --------------------
17       A winning goal after the siren
25       Sex in an aeroplane
35       Menage a trois
48       Taking over the company
66       Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

---      --------------------
17       25
25       35
35       48
48       66
66       17

---      --------------------
17       Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25       Split the cheque before we go back to my place
35       Just come over.
48       Just come over and cook.
66       Sex in the company jet on the way to Las Vegas.
                      -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -

                     THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

---      --------------------
17       Wine Coolers
25       White wine
35       Red wine
48       Dom Perignon
66       Shot of Jack Daniels with a Napkin chaser

---      --------------------
17       Need to wash my hair
25       Need to wash and condition my hair
35       Need to colour my hair
48       Need to have Stefan colour my hair
66       Need to have Stefan colour my wig

---      --------------------
17       Shopping
25       Shopping
35       Shopping
48       Shopping
66       Shopping

---      --------------------
17       McDonalds
25       Free meal
35       A diamond
48       A bigger diamond
66       Home Alone

---      --------------------
17       Tall, dark and handsome
25       Tall, dark and handsome with money
35       Tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48       A man with hair
66       A man

---      --------------------
17       17
25       25
35       35
48       48
66       66

---      --------------------
17       He offers to pay
25       He pays
35       He cooks breakfast the next morning
48       He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66       He can chew breakfast

              Now for another from Kodak Kate D over at the Coburg labs:

The following are the top three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments
Contest in New Woman Magazine:

Third Place:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some
pent-up energy and ran amok.  I was finally able to grab hold of her after
receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.  I told her that
if she did not start behaving right now, she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I
saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.  Even the tellers
stopped what they were doing!  I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.  The last thing I heard when
the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
                         # -- # -- # -- # -- #

Second Place:

It was the day before my eighteenth birthday.  I was living at home, my
parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a
romantic night alone.

As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs.
I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone.
Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.

When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a
whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!'

My entire family aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all my friends were
standing there!  My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and
embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.  Since then, no one in my
family has planned a surprise party again.
                         # -- # -- # -- # -- #

First Place:

One of the funniest 'most-embarrassing-moment' stories I've come upon in a
long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store.

When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had
no price tag.  Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom
and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN,

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently
misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS."  In a business-like tone, a
voice boomed back over the intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH

        This next one was forwarded on by Martha R H (short and sweet):

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the
drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied.

"What?  How does that work?"

"Just watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed:
"For f%#@'s sake, you wanker - it's twenty past two in the *$%@#!& morning!!"

        Okay - time to lift another one from the ol' list out west:

On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by
all her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from *her*
wedding, so she lent them to Sophie for the day.  Unfortunately they were a
bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet were

When she and Edward withdrew to their room, the only thing she could think of
was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard
roughly what they expected ... grunts, straining noises and the occasional
muffled scream.  Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.'

'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.'

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right.  Now let's try the
other one.'

Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said, 'Good grief -
that was even *tighter*.'

'That's my boy!' said the Duke, 'Once a sailor, *always* a sailor.'

      Here's another short-ish one from Nicki A-O:

                           SIX-SHOOTER BILL

Two men are in a bar.  One is American.  The other, Russian.  Each starts
talking shit about how great he is.

The American says "Well I can prove I'm tough" and in that instant, grabs six
quarters out of his pocket, throws them into the air, and before any of them
touches the ground, he grabs his pistol out of the holster and pumps six
shots, each putting a hole exactly in the center of each coin.

Smugly, the American looks at the Russian and says "Bill.  Buffalo Bill."

In awe, the Russian is stunned by the display of ability he has just seen.
He thinks to himself "how shall I ever outshine that?"

Suddenly, he starts to undo his pants.  Then he takes off his underwear.
With his genitals exposed, it is visible that the Russian man has six

Shocked by this revelation, the American says "Wow.  I don't ever recall
seeing that on anyone before.  But tell me ... how is it possible?"

The Russian replies "The name is Byl.  Chernobyl."

      Paul Jeffery just passed on some recent Darwin awards, and
      although most have been relayed on over the last few months,
      the 1998 winner was a new one on me:


Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early
Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure.  He was
apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feed-horn.

Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to
Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke.  She noted that
Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and
entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the
microwave dish.  He had told co-workers that it was the only way he could
stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter
temperatures often dip to forty below zero.  Microwaves can heat water
molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in
microwave ovens.

For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack and a plastic
lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave
beam.  Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power
planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday
long-distance calling traffic.

Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was
greeted by an odour he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must
have prepared as a surprise.  Burns also reported to NMSR company officials
that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.

        And another couple from the westerly list:

                         THE SPERM COUNT SAMPLE

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back
a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives
him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains ....  "Well, doc, it's
like this.  First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.  Then I tried with
my left hand, but nothing.  Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with her
right hand, but nothing.  Then her left, but nothing.  She even tried with her
mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.
Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and
her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOUR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the
damn jar open!"
                         # -- # -- # -- # -- # this collection of one-liners:

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

If you must choose between two evils - pick the one you've never tried before.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you - try missing a couple of payments.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

     Over to the U.K. now - this one actually arrived back in February,
     courtesy of Brian McNicol.  Being rather topical, I should've
     sent it then ... anyway, see how good your memory is :-)

A businessman on his way home from the centre of London came to a dead halt
in traffic and thought to himself, "Shit, this traffic seems worse than
usual.  Nothing's even moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars
so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me Officer, what's the hold up?"

The Officer replies, "Glen Hoddle became so depressed about losing his job,
he's stopped his Mercedes in the middle of the A40 and he's threatening to
douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire.  He says everyone hates him,
he doesn't have the England job any more and he doesn't have the income to
support himself.  I'm walking round taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really?" says the businessman "How much have you collected so far?"

"So far only about three hundred litres but I've got a lot of folks still

      This one which was forwarded on by Dr Eric J. Frazer would
      definitely be his shortest (how's France, Eric? :-)

Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for
years, would always cry "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed
each other.

A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"

The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of
an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"

        Now to wrap it up for the week - another contribution from David
        McCallum (and Warning Will Robinson - it's a titch lewd):

A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and cradling
her hand: "Mummy, quick!  Get me a glass of cider!" she wailed.

"Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked her mum.

"I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away!"

Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured her
a glass of cider.  The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.

"Ouch!  It still hurts!  This cider doesn't work!" she whined.

"What are you talking about?" asked her increasingly perplexed parent,
"_Whatever_ made you think that _cider_ would ease your pain?"

"Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in
her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider"
[ End Friday humour ]

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