Friday humour - June 25, 1999

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

   Yo,
And another largish collection this week - something old, something new ...
(well - the first few are from August last year, and the remainder have been
hurriedly picked out from material which has arrived in the last week or so).
First up, we've got one which was (that was?) forwarded on by Dave Moors:
                        ---------------------------

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks "How long before I can get a
haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.  A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and
asks, "How long before I get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.  A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and
asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half."

The guy leaves.  The barber looks over at a friend in the shop, and says,
"Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Okay, Bill - where did he go after he left here?"

Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


            Now for a couple from the infamous list "out west":
                        ---------------------------

         SOME THINGS *NOT* TO SAY TO A COP WHEN YOU'RE PULLED OVER

Back off Barney - I've got a piece.

Want to race to the station, Sparky?

On the way to the station, let's get a twelve pack.

Hey, you'll never get those cuffs on me, you pussy!

Come on, take the damn breath reading - the bars close in 20 minutes!

Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?

How long is this going to take?  Your wife's expecting me.

Hey officer - is that your nightstick, or are you just glad to see me?
                          # -- # -- # -- # -- #

    ... and ...

Patient: "Doctor, you must help me.  I'm under such a lot of stress - I keep
         losing my temper with people."

Doctor:  "Fine, fine - now, how about you just tell me about your problem."

Patient: "I JUST DID, YOU STUPID FUCK!!"
   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      And here's the last one from "way back when" - forwarded on for
      your plain-ASCII viewing pleasure by none other than Tom Burns.
      It's a titch naughty, so if you're not into "pub humour", skip
      on down to Terry's contributions:
                        ---------------------------

There was a guy who was in the market for a used Harley.  He had always wanted
a big, bad hog.  He shopped around; newspaper ads, bike shops, but nothing.
Finally he came across a beautiful classic Harley with a "For Sale" sign on
it.  On inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition.

He talked to the owner, "This bike is beautiful!!  I'll take it.  But you
gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape."

"Well," said the seller, "it's pretty simple, just make sure that if the bike
is outside and it's going to rain, that you rub Vaseline on the chrome.  It
keeps it from rusting.  In fact, since you're buying the bike, I won't need my
tube of Vaseline any more.  Here, you can have it."  He handed the new owner an
old tube of Vaseline, which he put it in his jacket pocket.

Our hero bought the bike and headed out; a proud and happy biker.  He took his
bike over to show his girlfriend.  She was ecstatic!  That night, he decided
to ride his bike over to his girlfriend's parents house.  Since, it was the
first time he was going to meet them and figured it will make a big impression.

When the couple arrived at her folks house, his girlfriend grabbed her
boyfriend's arm and confessed, "Honey," she said, "I gotta tell you something
about my parents before we go in.  When we eat dinner, we don't talk.  In
fact, the first person to say anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he said, and they went in.  Our hero was astounded.  Right smack
in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.  In the
family room, another huge stack.  Piled up the stairs, more dirty dishes.  In
fact, everywhere he looked there are dirty dishes, that must have been there
for years.  They sat down to dinner and, sure enough, no one said a word.  As
dinner progressed, the boyfriend decided to take advantage of the situation.

He grabbed his girlfriend, ripped open her dress, yanked off her panties and
screwed her right on the dinner table.  The entire family was shocked, but no
one said a word.  When he was finished, his girlfriend peeled herself off the
table and dinner resumed.

Soon his eyes wandered over to his girlfriend's kid sister.  Since he figured
no one would say anything, he promptly jumped up and walked around, bent her
over the table and mounted her from behind.  After he was satisfied, he sat
down to eat and again, none of the family said anything.

Just before dessert, the beer started taking its effect, and he began thinking
that her mum was looking pretty good too.  What the hell, he slipped her the
bone.

After dropping his load, he noticed it was starting to rain.  And suddenly, he
remembered he had to protect his new motorcycle.  He ripped the tube of
Vaseline from his jacket pocket.

The father suddenly jumped up from his chair and shouted, "All right, already -
*I'll* do the damned dishes!!"
   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


       Now for a couple more from Terry Lane's web site.  I plunder it
       occasionally (at Click here for humour,

       but also just for keeping up with the "news behind the news" ...
                        ---------------------------

                             CONSIDER THIS ...

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can keep going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining, and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no
fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take blame without resentment,

If you can ignore a friends limited education and never correct him/her,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against
creed, color, religion or politics,

Then, my friend, You are ALMOST as good as your dog

  -Anonymous
                          # -- # -- # -- # -- #

   ... and ...

                  THINGS WE CAN _LEARN_ FROM A DOG ...

Never pass up an opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and wind in your face to be a pure ecstasy.

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Let others know when they invade your territory.

Take naps - and stretch before rising.

Run, romp and play daily ...

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

Be loyal ...

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them
gently.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On hot days, drink lots of water and rest under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the 'guilt thing' - run
right back and make friends.
   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


       Now, I know we've already had a couple from the "westerly" list,
       but most of these are pretty short and I think you'll enjoy them:
                        ---------------------------

A search and rescue team had been assembled and sent on a mission to find an
airplane that had crashed on top of a mountain.  It was their duty to rescue
any survivors.  After finally reaching the top of the mountain, they came upon
the crash site.

At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a
bone.  As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of other bones, he noticed the
rescue team.  "Thank God", he cried out in relief.  "I am saved!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human
bones beside this lone survivor.  Obviously he had eaten all of his comrades.

The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame.
"You can't judge me for this," he insisted.  "I had to survive.  Is it so wrong
to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief.
"I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God
man ... your plane only went down *yesterday* !! "
                          # -- # -- # -- # -- #

   ... and ...

                      TRANSLATIONS FOR MARRIED COUPLES

"I'M GOING FISHING."
Really means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a
stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."


"IT'S A GUY THING."
Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and
you have no chance at all of making it logical."


"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"


"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," or "YES, DEAR."
Really means: Absolutely nothing.  It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN."
Really means: "I have no idea how it works.


"WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE."
Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."


"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU.  IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Really means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."


"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."


"THAT'S INTERESTING DEAR."
Really means: "Are you still talking?"


"IT'S A REALLY GOOD MOVIE."
Really means: "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."


"THAT'S WOMEN'S WORK."
Really means: "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."


"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Really means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of
the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of
every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."


"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Really means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."


"OH, DON'T FUSS.  I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Really means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death
before I admit I'm hurt."


"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Really means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."


"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm
completely clueless."


"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Really means: "What did you catch me at?"


"I HEARD YOU."
Really means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am
hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend
the next 3 days yelling at me."


"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Really means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realise it
could
be worse."


"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Really means: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit.  I'm starving."


"I'M NOT LOST.  I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Really means: "No one will ever see us alive again."


"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Really means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up.
                          # -- # -- # -- # -- #

   ... and finally ...

                        A VERY PUZZLED BLONDE

John gets a call from his very blonde girlfriend Buffy.

"I've got a problem," says Buffy.

"What's the matter?" asks John.

"Weeeell, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but ... it's too hard.  None of the
pieces fit together."

"What's the picture of?" asks John.

"It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy.

"All right," says John.  "I'll come over and have a look."

So he goes over to Buffy's house and she greets him by saying, "Thanks
for coming over."  Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the
jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table.

John looks at the puzzle and then turns to her and says, "For heaven's
sake, Buffy, put the cornflakes back in the box."
   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      This next contribution is another from David (Fifi) McCallum:
                        ---------------------------

A lady went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift.  The doctor told her of a new
procedure called "The Knob".  This small knob is planted on the back of a
woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of
a brand new facelift forever.  Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob".

Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon with 2 problems.  "All
these years everything had been working just fine.  I've had to turn the knob
on lots of occasions and I've loved the results.  But now I've developed two
annoying problems.  First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes
and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her and said, "Don't worry.  Those aren't bags, those are
your breasts."

She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."
   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


       Finally for this week, one which was garnered from two sources which
       I've combined into one.  The first source was Terry Lane's
       aforementioned web page, and the second was a posting by Wayne Deane.
       The combined cross-reference thus becomes somewhat large, but I'm sure
       you'll just find it all the more useful.
                        ---------------------------

              A NOTICE TO ALL REGARDING LANGUAGE IN THE WORKPLACE


<< Warning!  This is extremely rude.  It is recommended for mature adults >>
<< only.  Please do not read it if you are offended by coarse language.   >>


It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been using
foul language during execution of their duties.  Due to complaints from some
of our employees who are more easily offended, this type of language will no
longer be tolerated.

However, we do realise the importance of staff being able to properly express
their feelings when communicating with other employees.  With this in mind,
the Resources Department has compiled a list of code phrase replacements so
that a proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective
manner without risking offence to our more sensitive co-workers.

          PHRASE:                                      MEANING:

Really? --  --  --  --  --  --  --  --   You've got to be shitting me.

I wasn't involved with that job. --  --  No cunt told me

I'm fairly sure that's not feasible. --  No fucking way!

Have you run that by ... --  --  --  --  Tell someone who gives a shit

Perhaps I can work late. --  --  --  --  Look, I don't have fucking time

That's interesting. --  --  --  --  --   What the fuck?!?!

Are you sure that's a problem? --  --    Who fucking cares

You don't say? --  --  --  --  --  --    Eat shit and die

You don't say, sir. --  --  --  --  --   Eat shit and die, motherfucker

I wasn't involved in that project. --    Its not my fucking problem.

So, you would like me to help you? --    Kiss my arse

I'll try to schedule that. --  --  --    Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner?

I'm not sure I can implement this. --    Fuck it - it won't work.

He is somewhat insensitive. --  --  --   He is a fucking prick

She's an aggressive go-getter! --  --    She's a ball busting bitch

You could use a bit more training. --    You haven't got a fucking clue

We are a little disorganised today ...   This place is fucked

You're new here, aren't you? --  --  --  What sort of fuck-wit are you?

Well: there you go! --  --  --  --  --   Fuck off shithead

You're my boss, and I respect you! --    You're a fucking wanker

I wasn't here that day. --  --  --  --   Ha - suck eggs

So, you're from Sydney! --  --  --  --   You're fucking paranoid

So, you're from Melbourne! --  --  --    You're fucking useless

I'll look into it and get back to you.   Fuck off!

I no longer require your assistance. --  Fuck off, dickhead.

Are you sure this is a problem? --  --   Who the fuck cares?

He's not familiar with the problem. --   He's got his head up his arse.

So you weren't happy with it? --  --  -- Kiss my arse.

I'm a bit overloaded at this moment. --  Fuck it, I'm goin' to the footy.

I don't think you understand. --  --  -- Shove it up your arse.

I love a challenge. --  --  --  --  --   This job sucks.

You want me to take care of that? --  -- Who the fuck died and made *you* boss?

I see. --  --  --  --  --  --  --  --    Well, fuck me!

Yes, we really should discuss it. --  -- Strewth - another fucking meeting!!

I don't think this will be a problem. -- I really don't give a shit.

Gee, that was unfortunate! --  --  --    You fucking loser.

Oh, no! --  --  --  --  --  --  --  --   Argh, fuck!!!

How the *fuck* did you drive that piece
of shit to work? --  --  --  --  --  --  Well done.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[End Fri humour]




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