Friday humour - June 18, 1999

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Yo,
Well, with budget time here again and cash getting tighter still, I think
we could all do with a few laughs this week.  And by way of a slight
diversion - many of you would be interested to know that our Port
Melbourne Glass Blower extraordinaire Rudi Pillig has just returned home
from a couple of operations, so I especially trust that he gets a bit of
a laugh from this weeks collection!  (And not forgetting Keith Cathro, of
course - who's also still convalescing.)

Anyway - enough introduction.  First up this week is another of those super
short ones - as forwarded on by Tom Burns:
                            -------------------

In a recent study, the government administered weekly doses of Viagra to an
equal number of doctors and lawyers.  Researchers are at a loss to explain
why most doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess while the lawyers simply
grew taller.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


       Now for some more "one liners", this time as forwarded on by Nicki
       Agron-Olshina (who runs our X-Ray Diffraction facility here):
                             -------------------

                       MORE INSULTS FOR THAT NEXT MEETING

A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.

He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.

I would like to go hunting with him sometime.

He's been working with glue too much.

He would argue with a signpost.

He has a knack for making strangers immediately.

He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.

When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.

Has a photographic memory but the lens cover's glued on.

A prime candidate for natural deselection.

Donated his brain to science before he was finished with it.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

Has two brains: one's lost, the other's out looking for it.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.

It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.

One neuron short of a synapse.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      In fact, Nicki forwarded two contributions back in September -
      and this is the other one:
                             -------------------

Merv was in a terrible accident at work.  He fell through a floor tile and
ripped off both of his ears.  Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled
with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small but growing telecom
business called Plexus Communications.  After weeks of negotiations, he bought
the company outright.  After signing on the dotted line, he realised that he
knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire
someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews.  The first guy was great.  He
knew everything he needed to and was very interesting.  At the end of the
interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"  The
gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears."
Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first
guy.  He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about
me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears."  Merv again was upset and
tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three.  It was with a very
young man who was fresh out of college.  He was smart.  He was handsome.  And
he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.

Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:
"Do you notice anything different about me?"  And to his surprise, the young
man answered: "Yes.  You wear contact lenses."

Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man.  How in
the world did you know that?"

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied,
"Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


     And now - it's time to visit our Westerly list once more:
                            -------------------

                TOP BUMPER STICKER'S SEEN AROUND THE WORLD

1.  Constipated people don't give a crap.

2.  Practice safe sex - go screw yourself.

3.  If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

4.  Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

5.  If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

6.  Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

7.  If that phone was up your arse, maybe you could drive a little better.

8.  My kid got your honour roll student pregnant.

9.  Thank you for pot smoking.

10. To all virgins: Thanks for nothing.

11. If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek counselling.

12. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

13. If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

14. Horn broken - watch for finger.

15. It's not HOW you pick your nose, but where you put the boogey.

16. If you're not a hemorrhoid - get off my arse.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Now here's a rare contributor - John Watts - who climbed down
      off his bike for just long enough to send this in:
                             -------------------

A little Richmond supporter boy from Melbourne has gone to Rome on holiday
with his family hoping to see the Pope.

A couple of days after they'd arrived, the Pope was doing a tour of the city
in his Popemobile.  The little boy really wanted to meet him, but was a bit
worried the Pope wouldn't be able to pick him out in the crowd.  But his mum
says "Don't worry, the Pope is a footy fan, in fact I know he barracks for
Richmond so wear your Matty Richardson jumper and he's bound to pick you out
and talk to you".

So the next day they're in the crowd with the little boy wearing his Richmond
jumper.  However the Popemobile drives right past them, and stops a bit
further down the street where John Paul gets out and speaks to a little boy
wearing a Collingwood jumper.

The lad is distraught and starts crying.  His mum says "Don't worry, the
Pope's driving around tomorrow as well, so we'll get you a Collingwood jumper
to wear.  Then he's bound to stop to see you".

The next day arrives, and the boy's out in the crowd again this time wearing
his new Collingwood jumper.  As his mum predicted, this time the Popemobile
does stop, right in front of him.

John Paul gets out, walks over to the little boy, bends down and whispers to
the lad:
"I thought I told you to fuck off yesterday?"...
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Back to the westerly list now for this one, for some "Wisdom from the
      great man, Homer J. Simpson":
                             -------------------

1)  "Now son, you don't want to drink beer.  That's only for Daddys and kids
     with fake IDs."

2)  "Marge, it takes two to lie.  One to lie and one to listen."

3)  "You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you
     had an electrified fooling machine."

4)  "Marge, don't discourage the boy!  Weaseling out of things is important
     to learn.  It's what separates us from the animals!  Except the weasel."

5)  "If you really want something in life you have to work for it.  Now
     quiet - they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

6)  "To alcohol!  The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"

7)  "I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city,
     keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode!
     I think it was called 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"

8)  "I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get
     you through life.  Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good
     idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"

9)   "Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."

10) "Step aside everyone!  Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear
     Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville.  Population: you.'"

11) "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy.  People die all the time.
     Just like that.  Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow.  Well, good
     night."

12) "Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win
     or lose: it's how drunk you get."

13) "Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's
     that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and
     foxy boxing and such and such."

14) "Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike.  You just go in every
     day and do it really half-assed.  That's the American way."

15) "Stealing!  How could you?  Haven't you learned anything from that guy who
     gives those sermons at church?  Captain whats-his-name?

16)  "We live in a society of laws.  Why do you think I took you to all those
     Police Academy movies?  For fun?  Well I didn't hear anybody laughin',
     did you?"

17) "Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'you're
    making a scene.'"
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


       This next contribution was half-inched from Terry Lane's web page
       (for those of you outside Oz, Terry broadcasts on the Wireless over
       here - on Aunty's, that is - otherwise known as the ABC):
                             -------------------

                       THE MEANEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD!

I had the meanest mother in the world.  While other kids had lollies for
breakfast I had to eat cereal, egg and toast.  While other kids had cans of
drinks and lollies for lunch I had to have a sandwich.  As you can guess my
dinner was different from other kids' too - as well as the food, we had to
eat it at a table and not in front of television.

My mother also insisted on knowing where we were at all times.  You'd think
we were on a chain gang or something.  She had to know who our friends were,
where we were going, and she even told us what time we had to be home.

I am ashamed to admit it but my mother actually had the nerve to break child
labour laws.  She made us work.  We had to wash dishes, make our beds and
even learn how to cook.  That woman must have stayed awake at night, just
thinking up things for us kids to do.

She always insisted that we tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but
the truth. By the time we were teenagers, our whole life became even more
unbearable.  No tootinq the car horn for the girls in our family to come
running.  She embarrassed us by insisting that the boys come to the door to
get us.  I forgot to mention that most of our friends were allowed to date at
the mature age of 12 and 13.  Our old-fashioned mother refused to let us date
before we were at least 15.

She raised a bunch of squares.  Like - uncool.  None of us kids were ever
arrested for shoplifting.  Or busted for dope.  And who do we have to thank
for this?  You're right - our mean, rotten mother.  Every day we hear cries
from both our people and politicians about what our country really needs.

What our country really needs is more mean mothers like ours.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


       Now - after that opening jibe against the legal fraternity, it
       might now be appropriate if we take another, longer contribution
       from Tom Burns:
                             -------------------

TO:       The Altar Guild of the Parish
FROM:     Pastoral Search Committee
SUBJECT:  Update on the Search for a New Pastor

We have not made a final decision at this stage.  We've not been able to find
a suitable candidate for this church, though we have two possible prospects,
one of whom seems very promising.  We do appreciate all the suggestions from
the church members, and we've followed up each one with interviews and
background checks.  The following is our confidential report on the current
slate of candidates.

     Adam:

A good man, but problems with his wife.  At least one reference told us that
Adam and his wife enjoyed walking nude in the woods, which would not reflect
well on the parish.  Also some concerns about a prior relationship before his
current marriage.  Most prominent reference was concerned about his ability
to follow directions.

     Noah:

Former pastorate of 120 years, during which time he brought no new members
into the church.  Seems exclusively concerned about his immediate family, and
an unhealthy fixation with breeding pairs of animals.  Prone to unrealistic
building projects.

     Abraham:

References reported wife-swapping.  The facts seem to show he never slept
with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another
man.  At least one episode where he reportedly "talked with angels."

     Joseph:

Thinks big, but a braggart who believes in dream interpretation.  Strained
family relations apparently related to his flashy style of dress.  Has a
prison record.

     Moses:

Modest and meek, unlike Joseph, but a poor communicator.  Has a stutter at
times.  Problems with authority figures.  Sometimes blows his stack and acts
rashly; instances of threats against higher-ups appear in his record.  Some
say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.  May be unresolved issues
related to his adoption.

     David:

The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with a
subordinate's wife.  Also some concerns over songs written professing a love
for his adopted brother "which surpasseth that of women."

     Solomon:

Polygamist.  Great preacher, excellent foreign contacts, with a record of
substantial success with building projects, but the parsonage would never
hold all those wives.  Record is unclear about his suitability to deal with
child-care issues.

     Elijah:

Prone to depression.  Collapses under pressure.

     Elisha:

Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.

     Hosea:

A tender and loving pastor, but our people could never accept his wife's
occupation.

     Deborah:

Female.

     Jeremiah:

Emotionally unstable.  An alarmist, overly negative, always lamenting
things.  One episode reports he took a long trip just to bury his underwear
on the bank of a foreign river, which we found a bit strange, to say the
least.

     Isaiah:

On the fringe?  Claims to have seen angels in church.  Has trouble with his
language.

     Jonah:

Refused God's call to the ministry until he was forced into it by a traumatic
event at sea.  Behaviour problems serious enough to bring the crew to force
him off the ship.  He told us he was swallowed up by a big fish until he told
the fish to spit him up on the shore near here.   We rang off.

     Amos:

Too backward and unpolished.  With some seminary training he might have
promise, but has a hangup against wealthy people.  Might fit in better with a
poor congregation in the western suburbs.

     John:

Claims he is a Baptist, but definitely does not dress like one.  Provokes
demoninational leaders, has slept outdoors for months at a time, and has an
unusual diet.  Another one with a prison record.

     Peter:

Too blue-collar.  Has a bad temper, and is known to curse.  Had a big run-in
with Paul in Antioch and allegedly faces an aggravated assault charge (deadly
weapon) in Jerusalem.  Disturbing suggestion of a god complex, something
about walking on water.  Aggressive, and a loose cannon.

     Timothy:

Too young.

     Jesus:

Powerful preacher, and has been popular at times.  However, when his church
once grew to 5000, he allowed it to dwindle down to 12.  Prone to giving
evasive answers, especially about authority figures.  Seldom stays long in
one place, possibly because of the disturbing rumours about his relationship
with a certain lady.  And of course - single male who prefers the company of
men.

     Paul:

Powerful CEO-type, rule-oriented and conservative.  Fascinating preacher,
despite being a late convert to the faith.  Not a democratic liberal; opposed
to homosexuals, and understands that the role of women is in the family, not
the church.  Only flaw seems to be that he is unforgiving with younger
ministers.  Has potential, and tops our short list for possible candidates.

     Judas:

A steady plodder with solid references.  Good connections, and very obedient
to authority.  Knows how to handle money, and even returns some of his
budget.  We've invited him to preach this Sunday.  Other than Paul, our best
candidate.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


       This next collection of "boom boom" humour was passed on by Lars
       Jensen (a computer programming contractor who worked with me late
       last year).  If you enjoy "pub" humour, you'll love it - otherwise,
       well ... maybe skip down to the last contribution.  It's variously
       lewd, sexist, racist (and just about every other -ist).  Enjoy:
                             -------------------

                                PUB HUMOUR

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What's the definition of the perfect male lover?
One who love until 2AM and then turns into chocolate.

Why do the Irish call their basic currency the Punt?
Because it rhymes with Bank Manager.

There's a new one hour Jewish porno movie just out.  It has 40 minutes of
begging, 3 minutes of sex and seventeen minutes of guilt.

Why do New Zealand race horses run so fast?
They heard about what happened to the sheep.

How does an Englishman know that his wife is dead?
Sex is still the same, but the dishes are piling up in the sink.

Why do most men prefer women with big tits and tight chuffs?
Because most men have big mouths and small dicks.

What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
When you lay a brick, it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.

The lovely young blonde was learning to swim and was being held
afloat by a raunchy swimming instructor.
"Will I really sink if you take your finger out?", she asked.

The young guy was not proud of his small penis and was very shy about it.
When he took his new girlfriend to bed for the first time he insisted that
they turn out the lights.  In the darkness, he put his erection in her hand.
"No thank you", she said, "I don't smoke."

What's the difference between Hard and Light?
You can go to sleep with a light on.

The drunk staggered up the driveway of his home, where his son was working
under the bonnet of his car. "What's wrong, Son?", he asked.  "Piston broke",
came the reply.  "So am I", muttered his father as he stumbled off.

MICK: "My dog's called Carpenter.  He's always doing little jobs around the
       house."

PHIL: "I call my dog Mechanic.  I give him a kick in the nuts and he makes a
       bolt for the door."

How can we solve the world's problems?
Get the hungry to eat the homeless.

What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is when you use a feather; Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

What is the difference between a wanker and a banker?
A wanker knows what he's doing.

What is the difference between medium and rare?
Six inches in medium, eight inches is rare.

What's the definition of 'making love'?
It's what a woman does while a man's screwing her.

What's the difference between a man with a mid life crisis and a
circus clown?
The circus clown knows he's wearing funny clothes.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


     And to conclude this week's bumper collection ... well, this contribution
     isn't really a joke.  More like something to sober you up and send you
     off in the direction of the nearest pub (if you're in my age group :-)
     Anyway - it's yet another from way out west:
                             -------------------

                             ARE YOU FEELING OLD?

Fact: Most of the students doing 2nd year Uni this year were born in 1980.

   Thus:

They have no meaningful recollection of the Hawke era.  They were prepubescent
when the Persian Gulf War was waged.  Black Monday 1987 is as significant to
them as the Great Depression.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Atari predates them, as do vinyl record albums.

The movie Grease was released three years before they were born ... and so
was Star Wars.

The expression "You sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.

They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably have never
actually seen or heard one.

John Lennon was shot the year they were born - so forget about them knowing
the words to Yesterday ..

The compact disc (CD) was introduced when they were one year old.

As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 45 cents.

They have always had an answering machine.

Most have never seen a TV set without a VCR attached.  Many have never seen
a monochrome television receiver (colour transmissions commenced in Australia
in 1975).

They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They don't know who "Mork" was, or where he was from.

So - do you feel old now?

    (Err ... okay, down to the pub: Ed)
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[ End Fri humour ]




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