Friday humour - June 11, 1999

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Gidday,
Well, again this week, the joke collection is fairly long (but you don't have
to read it all :-)

First up - another contribution from our infamous Westerly list (and this
isn't even lewd):
                          -------------------------

                          WISDOM - FROM KIDS TO KIDS

Never tell your mum her diet's not working  -- Michael, 14

Never pee on an electric fence  -- Robert, 13

Don't squat with your spurs on  -- Noronha, 13

Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to  -- Emily, 10

When your mum is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
  -- Taylia, 11

Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school
assignment  -- Traci, 14

Don't sneeze in front of mum when you're eating crackers.
  -- Mitchell, 12

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
  -- Andrew, 9

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
  -- Kyoyo, 9

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
  -- Armir, 9

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
  -- Kellie, 11

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
  -- Naomi, 15

Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick  --  Lauren, 9

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mum when she's on the
phone  --  Alyesha, 13

Never try to baptise a cat  -- Eileen, 8
   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Now a shortish from Carolynn Larsen over at the Ian Wark library,
      passed on courtesy of Jean:
                          -------------------------

A duck walks into a bar and says, "Got any bread?"

And the barman says, "No"

And the duck says, "Got any bread?"

And the barman, "No"

"Got any bread?"

"I said N - O ... NO!"

"Got any bread ?"

"For crying out loud, N-O spells NO, and I *mean* NO!"

"Got any bread ?"

"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO !!!"

"Got any bread ?"

"Look if you ask me one more ***** time if I've got any bread, I'm going to
nail your ***** beak to the ***** bar!!"

"Got any nails?"

"No!"

"Got any bread?"
   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Here's one from another regular contributor, David McCallum (this
      weeks collection are all recent, by the way - as always, for no
      particular reason):
                          -------------------------

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet
the chief.  The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die.  But we sorry for
you, so give you one wish a day for three days.

On sundown of third day, you die.  What is first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."  The Indians get his horse.  The
cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on
the ass.  The horse takes off.  Two hours later, the horse comes back with a
naked blonde.  She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the
cowboy.  The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man -- can
only think of one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"  The cowboy says, "I
want to see my horse again."  The Indians bring him his horse.  The cowboy
leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps
it on the ass.  Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead.
She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.  The Indians shake their
heads, figuring, "Typical white man -- going to die tomorrow and can only
think of one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man.
What you want?"  The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."  The Indians
bring him his horse.  The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them
hard and yells, "Read my lips!  POSSE, damn it!  P-O-S- ..."
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


     Lee McRae's still pluggin' away over there at Melb Uni on her Power
     Mac, and occasionally she sends something over.  This one was also
     forwarded on back in February by Martha Hills, but it got a bit buried.
     Anyway, short and sweet - here 'tis:
                           -------------------------

Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of his life, and
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.  He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail, and because of this odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


     Okay - now this next one's a bit longer.  From Kate D over at Kodak:
                          -------------------------

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings ?  Here's something to change all
of that.  WANK Words

How to play: Simply tick off 5 WANK Words in one meeting and shout out
BINGO!  It's that easy!

   =========================================================================
SYNERGIES      TAKE THAT OFFLINE       STRATEGIC FIT      AT THE END OF THE DAY

GAP ANALYSIS   BEST PRACTICE           BOTTOM LINE        CORE BUSINESS

LESSONS LEARNT TOUCH BASE              REVISIT            GAME PLAN

BANDWITH       HARDBALL                SHOW STOPPERS      THE FULL 9 YARDS

BENCH MARKING  BIG PICTURE             VALUE ADDING       MOVERS AND SHAKERS

BALL PARK      PROACTIVE NOT REACTIVE  WIN WIN SITUATION  THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX

FAST TRACK     RESULT DRIVEN           EMPOWER EMPLOYEES  MOVE GOAL POSTS

LEFT HAND NOT  BREAD AND               RESULTS            FLY IT UP THE
KNOWING RIGHT  BUTTER                  DRIVEN             FLAGPOLE
HAND

SLIPPERY SLIDE TICKS IN BOXES          MINDSET            KNOCK ON EFFECT

PUT THIS ONE   HSE                     QUALITY DRIVEN     NO BLAME
TO BED
   =========================================================================

   Testimonials from other players:

"I had only been in the meeting for 5 minutes when I yelled Bingo!!"

"My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically."

"It's a wheeze, meetings will never be the same for me after my first
outright win."

"The atmosphere was tense at the last process workshop as 32 of us
listened intently for the elusive 5th."

"The facilitator was gobsmacked as we all screamed Bingo for the 3rd time
in 2 hours."

"I feel that the game has enhanced the overall quality of meetings per se
on a quid pro quo basis."

"People are even listening to mumblers thanks to Wank Words."

"Bonza!  You could have cut the atmosphere with a cricket stump as we
waited for the 5th delivery."
   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


     This next contribution is another which came in from two different
     directions.  It was just forwarded on by Fifi McCallum, but I note
     that the Moors (Dave) had already sent it in last March:
                          -------------------------

Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly deeply and
passionately in love.  For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship, until
one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears.

"We can't see each other any more..." she sobbed.

"Why ?" gasped Declan.

"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you, a mere
crab, and a poor one at that, are the lowest class of crustacean ...  and
that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."

Declan was shattered, and he scuttled away into the darkness to drink himself
into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.  That night, the great Lobster ball
was taking place.  Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making,
but the lobster Princess refused to join in - choosing instead to sit by her
father's side, utterly inconsolable.

Then, suddenly, the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in.

The lobsters all stopped their dancing.  The Princess gasped, and the King
Lobster rose from his throne.

Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the floor ...  and
ALL could see that he was walking FORWARDS, one claw after another!  Step by
step, he made his approach towards the throne, until finally he stopped and
looked King lobster in the eye.

There was a deathly hush in the room.

Finally, the crab spoke.

"Fuck, I'm pissed."
   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Over to the U.K. now for some more "one liners", passed on by Brian
      McNicol.  The rather intriguing subject of this E-Mail was "Anyone
      who says Tommy Cooper was not the best comedian ever has lost their
      sense of humour".  Apparently they're fairly old.  Enjoy:
                        -------------------------

Two cannibals eating a clown.  One says to the other "Does this taste funny to
you?"

Police arrested two kids yesterday - one was drinking battery acid, the other
was eating fireworks.  They charged one and let the other one off.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog.  He picks the dog up and
starts swinging it around his head.  Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out:
'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.  '

"Cos it's strange, isn't it.  You stand in the middle of a library and go
'Aaaarrrrgghhhh!' and everyone just stares at you.  But you do the same thing
on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in".

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking
money to him.  I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?'  He said 'Yes - this
my livelihood.'

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a
lift?"  I said "Sure!  You look great, the world's your oyster - go for it."

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.  They left
a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'  So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an
ice-cream'.  He said Hundreds & thousands?'  I said 'We'll start with one.'  He
said 'Knickerbocker glory?'  I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in
these trousers, yes.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.'  He said 'To camp?  ', I
said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.'  I said 'I also want to buy a
caravan.'  He said 'Camper?'  I said (camply) 'Make your mind up.'

So I went to the dentist.  He said "Say Aaah."  I said "Why?"  He said "My
dog's died."

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?  The one I was in went
back and forwards.  I thought 'This is unusual'.  And the dentist said to me
'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing.  I picked it up, and said 'Who's
speaking please?'  And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths.  I said 'Is that the local swimming
baths?'  He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.  And there are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them.  It's either my mum or my dad.  Or
my older brother Colin.  Or my younger brother HoChaChu.  But I think it's
Colin."

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.'  And I swerved.  And then he rang up a second
time and said "You've been promoted again.'  And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'  And I went into
a tree.  And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'  And I said
'I careered off the road.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      And another quickie (a blonde joke from Nestor over in Illinois):
                        -------------------------

A blonde went out to her mail box, looked in, closed it, and went back in the
house.  A few minutes later she went out and looked in the mail box again.

She did this several times and her neighbour that was watching her said, "You
must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into
your mail box".

The blonde answered, "No, I'm working on my computer and it keeps telling me
that I have mail".
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     Now for something from another occasional contributor in the form
     of one Matthew Greene (over at CUB) - it's a trifle naughty, BTW, so
     skip on to Jean's if you like:
                         -------------------------

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy
rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!"

Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally
get to ask him."  The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey
out in front of the other six.

All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying,

"Go ahead, ask him, ask him!"

The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me
young man?"

Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes." - "Do.....do they have nuns in
Alaska?"

The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."

The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest!"  The Pope
asks Dopey if there is more to his question, and Dopey continues,

"Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"

To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black
nuns in Alaska, yes."

Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey,
ask him the last part!"

The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"

To which Dopey replies, "Well, duh ... yeah ... are there ... duh ... are
there any *midget* black nuns in Alaska?"

The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are
any midget black nuns in Alaska."

At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colours, and the others started laughing,
and yelling, and chanting ...

"Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"
   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Okay - this one from Jean (originally from Caroline by the look of
      it), who comments "I have a cat, and it rings true"
                          -------------------------


                         CAT PILL-GIVING INSTRUCTIONS

1)   Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
     baby.  Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
     and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
     As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth.  Allow cat to close mouth and
     swallow.

2)   Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.  Cradle cat in left
     arm and repeat process.

3)   Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4)   Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws
     tightly with left hand.  Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
     with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5)   Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.  Call
     spouse from garden.

6)   Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
     paws.  Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold head firmly
     with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down
     ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7)   Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.  Make
     note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered
     Doulton figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8)   Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
     visible from below armpit.  Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
     mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9)   Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of
     water to take taste away.  Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove
     blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10)  Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed.  Get another pill.  Place cat in
     cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.  Force mouth
     open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11)  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges.  Apply cold
     compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
     Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12)  Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.  Apologise
     to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.  Take
     last pill from foil-wrap.

13)  Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to
     leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force
     cat's mouth open with small spanner.  Push pill into mouth followed by
     large piece of fillet steak.  Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of
     water down throat to wash pill down.

14)  Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor
     stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.
     Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15)  Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they
     have any hamsters.
   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      Ant the last one for the week is courtesy of Nicki Agron-Olshina:
                          -------------------------

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was
receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift.  She shook it, held it overhead, and
said, "I bet I know what it is.  Some flowers."

"That's right" the boy said, "How did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter.

The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess
what it is.  A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner.  The teacher held
the package overhead, but it was leaking.  She touched a drop of the leakage
with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a much larger mouthful of the
leaking liquid.

"Hmmm ... well, is it perhaps ... champagne?" she asked.

"Nup," the boy replied, with more excitement.

The teacher took one more taste before finally declaring, "Oh alright, I give
up, what is it?"

With glee, the boy cried, "It's a puppy!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[End Fri humour]




 Previous (June 04, 1999)  Index Next (June 18, 1999)